Jun 19 2013

I am Sorry

I am sorry I let you down

I am sorry I let us down

I am sorry I took you for granted

I am sorry I became a shell of the old me

I am sorry I took your spirit away

I am sorry I let myself go

I am sorry for all the wrong I done to you

I am sorry I hurt you

I am sorry I drove you away.

I am back to the me from years ago and this time things will be different I will not take the piss again and let you mother me, take care of me at the detriment to your own health and I will be the one take takes it on his shoulders and carries you when you are weak.

My arms will be there to hold you and protect you.

My heart will always be here for you

Lets look to the future and the good times ahead that have eluded us for so long, yet are around the corner.

You and me against the world – an unstoppable team….

you need actions not words, but words are all I have until your back when the actions will be all I promised and more!

birthday-moose
Jun 17 2013

The Birthday Moose

 

birthday-moose

A year ago today I made the decision to finally “come out” about my depression, and in typical Garry style I did it to the world and created this blog.

My original intention was to help other men come to terms with their depression and get people talking about mental health in general –  I would like to think I achieved this moose mission! It has also helped me in a way I never even imagined – I cannot recommend writing about your depression highly enough. At times it has made me see where things have been going wrong and helped me spot the warning signs of the bad cycles coming.

I have made many new friends since starting this journey and have become “famoose” in my own right – or in my own head, either works for me!

Massive thanks go to Sheryl and the never forgotten Teresa for inspiring me in the early days and giving me the encouragement to write and the support to help me through the bad days.

Naturally I owe a massive debt of gratitude to you, the reader who puts up with my dodgy humour (or comedic genius as I call it), my wallowing and moaning in equal measure yet have stood by me and offered words of advice or just words of support when needed. It has been an absolute pleasure getting to know many of you who I now consider friends.

390+ posts and almost 55 thousands views later it has been a wonderful journey of self discovery and remembering my love of writing.

Here is a list of the top 10 most viewed posts on this site since day 1

  1. You can’t be depressed you’re smiling
  2. Hitting rock bottom is not the end
  3. The Man behind the moose
  4. Moose Tracks
  5. This form could change a life
  6. why I blog and how often
  7. Things to cheer you (and me) up
  8. why its ok to have bad days
  9. Books published by the moose
  10. a children’s book on depression - possibly my favourite post!

 

This blog has been view in 131 countries so huge thanks again to the people who kindly share my posts via twitter, Facebook or any other method.

A few people have also donated to the blog over the first year and I want to say how grateful I have been for this. As you know I have less money than certain countries in the EU so every little donation has helped keep me going.

Raise a glass and lets toast to the next 12 months of thedepressedmoose.com

I will toast to new friends, great support and being #famoose!

Enough of the thanks now lets get a party started! I will bring the Jack Daniels you bring the cake and the strippers!

 

 

Jun 16 2013

Three Little Words…

How are you?
Are you okay?
Talk to me
I am listening
Here for you
I want you
I need you
I miss you
I love you

such simple words yet all seem so hard to be said AND meant.

Wonder if I will hear any of these today

well besides the times I tell them to myself but you know its always nice to hear them from others

meanwhile today is Father’s Day so a very happy father’s day to dads all around the world

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Jun 15 2013

10 Days of Happiness

Guess who’s back, back again
Moose’s back, tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back,
Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back?

 

For as long as I can remember I have not felt this strong mentally. The shock of what happened 10 days has been to such an extent that the Garry who wallowed with his depression, lazing around on his backside all day and expecting things to come to him and be done for him has seeming packed his bags and moved on.

I have rediscover my love for myself, my confidence and, more importantly rediscovered Garry of old.

I have complete sympathy for Mrs Moose and understand why she had to walk away, for too long has she been a mother, wife, housekeeper and unable to look after herself because the man she fell in love in had turned into a shell of that person. I should have been more aware of her needs but as we all know depression is one selfish bastard of an illness and its hard to focus on other things when we are so busy just clinging on to the edge before we drop off. Yet now I see everything so clearly now, and giving up has never been my style. We finally spoke face to face and will be trying again in a few weeks after she has returned from a much needed holiday where she can recharge her batteries.

How on earth can you love someone who hates themselves? quite simply you cannot and poor Sheryl has been completely run down trying to deal with me and not having enough time for herself, or even quality Garry and Sheryl time. This will change, now is time for me to step up and be the protector and not the protected.

Whilst I can appreciate her apprehension, as obviously words are easy to say, believe me when I tell you all that never again will she feel so alone in our marriage. There are numerous posts on this blog explaining how I feel (and have always felt) about her and just the fact that she is giving us one last try is welcome news to me because she is my soul mate, my best friend and my shining light.

She makes me want to be a better person and you cannot ask for anymore from a partner. I have changed so much because of her over the years into a much better version of Garry, ask ex partners LOL they will tell you what a different man I am since being with her.

My relationship with Brandon is getting back on track as well, we have had a great 10 days of being just the two of us, and once the shock of seeing Dad with an Iron in his hand subsided he has been brilliant. His room even managed to find the carpet that once was visible under all his shit and he has kept it clean too!

While I am not naive enough to think I have beaten depression I can finally tell the world how fucking good I feel currently because I haven’t had a 10 day cycle of feeling this great for years! 

The strength, the laughter, the “don’t give a fuck” attitude, the smile and the being able to look at the person in the mirror and like what i see has returned and depression can, quite simply, go fuck itself.

With the support of some amazing friends, people who have only recently come into the moose’s world at that has been a huge part of this and my advice to anyone reading this with depression wondering what the biggest thing for me was is to get out there and make friends, find a support network and you will be amazed by the level of support you receive from strangers who suddenly become the best of friends.

Ant, Maria, WeeGee, Amy, Jamie, Kimmy, Gary, Emmy, the moose and friends support group on Facebook i run and others i forgot to mention have been amazing and really stood up for moose. While others have disappointed me with their disappearances I am too busy focusing on those who were there for me to care about you. ”friends” who have always come to me for support who simply deserted me the past week or so, I don’t forget these things in a hurry….

Man oh man the moose sounds bitter doesn’t he lol

I can see all the faults I have had over the past 3 years or more, all the negative things I have said and done and at the same time I am fucking amazed at what I have achieved too! 

I have also not paid to play bingo in 10 days! more success on the road to recovery…

Moose likes Moose again and this is the biggest victory of them all!

 

 

Jun 13 2013

Moose Talks Depression

Tickets will soon be on sale for my one man (moose) show, Moose talks Depression.

Hopefully it will be as successful as I expect with all seats sold out well in advance and demand so great that I am forced to add a string of dates and take the show on the road!

Please bare in mind I only have a 2 seater sofa and 3 chairs around the dining table so book quick to avoid disappointment!

The set has been designed along the theme of a famous old lost city where Moose roamed freely and became too powerful, eventually this upset the Gods and they were banished underwater forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the return of the lost city of Antlertis….

So why the idea for the one man show, and more importantly why am I wasting your time with this obvious incoherent nonsense..

well the reason is because I have a dream… a dream where people are hooked on my every word as I talk about depression! It would be a dream of mine to have a job where I could go into places and speak about the issues surrounding depression and how to help people with it, how I cope with the illness and how I pushed myself back from the brink to where I am today.

Having depression and, albeit mild anxiety is something that would never hold me back from talking about it whether it be one on one or to a group of complete strangers. In fact by nature I actually thrive in group situations where I am often in my element!

I WILL BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION DAMMIT! 

People like Alastair Campbell inspire me in this sense because he has overcome his depression to become a successful motivational talker and a regular on the after dinner speakers circuit. He speaks freely about his depression and how he overcomes it and has to be admired for this! (He also retweeted me once so gets additional bonus points!)

So what makes me confident enough to KNOW I could speak in public? and how can it help you?

Obviously it helps if you have an outgoing personality to begin with but being introvert by nature does not mean you do not have the ability to overcome your nerves if you found yourself in this situation and clam up..

Firstly and most importantly is to remember that if people ask you something it is because they WANT to hear what you have to say, consider it your time to shine and make yourself heard. Value what you have to say and that your opinion matters!

Something that most people with depression have in common is the ability to wear a mask to hide how we are really feeling so why not use that mask, that false personality as it were, and turn it into an advantage. Use it as a confidence generator when in a group situation as opposed to the mask of invisibility you see it as.

Lots of people talk about the old trick of imaging the people in front of you naked to make you feel uncomfortable but lets be honest here, no one wants to be listening to a man with an erection so use caution if in a room with lots of good looking people!

Often when I am in situations where there are lots of people I take the following attitude with me

These people will never see me again and I will never see them either

It gives me a “take me as I am” attitude and mentality, again this is because I have always been a mouthy bugger anyway and never backwards in sharing my opinion – whether you want it or not in a lot of cases…

Be brave and talk loudly so that everyone in the room can hear you and take notice, nothing worse than straining to hear a timid mouse at the front of the room when your sat at the back…if you are like me you might not even need a microphone!

And so as my fame (or infamy more like) grows you may find my name listed here 
http://www.primeperformers.co.uk/category/after-dinner-speakers/
 as an after dinner speaker but please remember that I am also available after breakfast, lunch, and supper!

you provide the food I will provide the nonsense!

Now where has my stage manager and ticket seller gone? still 5 tickets left…..

Jun 12 2013

Help! I think I have Depression…

Of all the messages I have received from people since starting this blog the thing that is asked most to me is the question of whether that person has depression. This stems from recognising a lot of themselves in my posts and it is great that people feel confident enough in me to reach out and ask for my advice. It is not as easy as you think contacting a complete stranger and asking for help, you just don’t know how that person will respond. Will they ignore your message, or dismiss you out of hand? so kudos to everyone who has ever sent me a message, I hope in my own way I have helped…

So what do you do if you think you have depression?

Believe it or not the fact that you have asked yourself that question is the first and hardest part of your journey. It is all to easy to simply dismiss the issue and put it down to sadness, but when you are feeling low for days/weeks/months on end with no change then that should be the warning sign you need to consider depression as the cause.

Depression is one of those things that will not go away if you ignore it! (a bit like me!)

What next?

This is where I come in handy! if you click PHQ9_depression you will find a questionnaire that is used by your GP to assess whether you are depressed and if so to what extent. Answer the questions with complete honesty and work out your score. Depending on that score you speak to your GP as soon as possible.

When I first saw my GP about depression I was in the early 20s!

Talk to my GP? <Shudders>

Whilst I appreciate how difficult this can be for people what you need to remember is that they have heard it all before from other patients. They will not judge you any differently for opening up about this nor will they call the men in white coats to take you away!

Most GP’s will be kind and understanding about it, i say most because the wife was once told she wasn’t depressed but “suffering from the stress of life”!! but the majority will help you and determine whether you need to be prescribed anything. Some surgeries even have GP’s who specalise in Mental Health so you could ask to see them if you do not want to see your normal doctor ask at the reception where they can advise you.

Whilst you are meeting your GP remember to tell them everything, holding things back from them because you feel embarrassed or ashamed will not help you get better. Tell yourself that they have heard or seen worse and let it out! I cried like a baby when I finally spoke to my GP, it was a feeling of relief to not have to hold it in anymore and knowing that there was actually something wrong with me! I no longer had to hide my condition, I was just pleased I wasn’t going mad like I thought at one point!

Antidepressants? good or bad?

I can only speak as I find and for me antidepressants have been good! I did suffer from a side effect from the first ones I was put on but after speaking to my doctor I simply changed them onto ones that work just fine.  I notice if I do not take my tablets like I am supposed to, which indicates they do the job as far as helping me goes.

Take them if prescribed and talk to your GP about any concerns you have!

Talking about depression?

Telling your friends/ partner / family is a difficult decision with all the stigma attached BUT in my experience it is better to be open about your condition especially to those affected by you on a daily basis. Not only does it help you by not having to hide it, they will be able to offer you support. Well some people will and others not so much but then the ignorance of others is not your fault (my great-uncle for example is in his 80′s and does not believe in depression!), those who matter will be there for you in the long run.

As far as I am concerned the more people we have talking about depression, especially men, the better. I would love it to become an everyday topic of conversation instead of the taboo subject it currently is.

Talking about it will actually benefit you! Believe me when I tell you that sharing your thoughts and issues will make it easier for your recovery. This blog is an example of how much talking about depression will help! It was the best decision I ever made to start sharing my battle with other because things do not sit on my mind and weight my down, I blog about it and it is off my chest and that improves my state of mind!

If you are not sure about the benefits of writing how about doing a guest post for me to see how cathartic it can be!

If all else fails you can always contact me but remember that I am a sufferer of depression and not a medical professional and I will always direct you to see a doctor! but I will always answer any questions as best I can!

So there you have it! looks nice and easy doesn’t it?

I know it isn’t easy but think how much better you could feel if you take that all important first step. After the first step the rest gets easier because you will be getting stronger for acknowledging the issue!

ASKING FOR HELP IS A SIGN OF STRENGTH NOT WEAKNESS!

and may I be the first to wish you the best of luck on your journey!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jun 11 2013

Finding Me(mo)

I cant explain why but something  just clicked within the last 24 hours within myself.

The old Garry has come out of hiding and kicked the other one into touch. I feel so good today yet seeing as I was told my marriage is over yesterday it makes absolutely no sense why suddenly now he has returned.

Not that I am complaining…

Was it the shock of being told that the love of my life and best friend didn’t want me anymore? I really couldn’t tell you.

Don’t get me wrong I am heartbroken and hurting over what has happened, but I understand her reasons for needing to make a break,if only I had worded things better and explained things better if may be different but hindsight is a wonderful tool and I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason.

The depression took a hold of me to the point where I didn’t even know which Garry would wake up in the mornings so how could someone else? Fighting to keep going can only drain you over time and I bare no ill will or malice towards Sheryl, a beautiful woman with a wonderful heart who has had lots to deal with over the years and not complained once!

We were friends long before we became involved and long may our friendship continue….. of course the door will never close should she want to talk once the hurting phase is over.

And so back to the old me!

I have felt a renewed confidence in myself, can feel the self esteem rising and best of all I am starting to like the person looking back at me in the mirror!

The lip ring that I was hiding behind has been removed, this of course makes me more kissable – but more importantly it means I can smile properly again!

going going

taken the lip ring out

gone!

eyes twinkle and smile returns!

watch out world because if the old me is back then there will be trouble! you thought I was a pain in the arse before? ha ha you aint seen nothing yet!

confidence, sparkling eyes and the gift of the gab!

The person you fell out of love with is back the one you enjoyed being around and no fucking way am I letting him hide anymore!

The future may start looking brighter once again because I am in control of my destiny!

Juliana told me about a wonderful song today and as you all know (or if you are new to my blog will learn soon enough) I am a sucker for lyrics which feel like they were written with me in mind!

Moose listening to country music! next thing you know I will be wearing a stetson and spitting tobacco…

here are the lyrics which spoke to me, and I feel like the perfect way to describe the way I am feeling today

I ain’t no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

its taken me years to reach this point… if only it was a few months ago…..

I have loved, been loved and lost love but I am still here ready for whatever life will throw at me next!

Jun 11 2013

But Men dont get depression…

I was asked by the Mental Health Foundation to write something for them as it is “Men’s Health Week” see more on their Facebook page here

 

It always struck me as strange that woman are so much more open about discussing their mental health illnesses than men are. Often we are more worried about how we are perceived by our friends and family to actually admit that we have an issue. This comes long before we find the strength to seek help and speak about depression with our GP.
The stigma attached to depression often forces men to simply deny they have any issues because we don’t want to be seen as weak, <insert cave man voice here> “ug man strong”.

This was one of my main reasons for wanting to branch into the blogging world and share my experiences with others, men in particular, to dispel the myth of weakness and depression being linked. Going to my GP and breaking down in tears as I explained my problems and feelings to him didn’t scare me half as much as announcing it to friends and family let alone social media but I was determined to show that even though I suffer with depression I have the strength to tackle it head on whilst trying to help others in the process.
There are a lot of men out there still too proud to talk about depression with partner/children but for me I have never tried to hide it from them (once diagnosed of course). It helps to talk about how your struggling because it gets it all off your chest.

One of the things I have come to realise is that the weight of keeping everything inside is a lot more than the weight of people thinking I am weak because I have depression.
I cannot emphasis enough that the best way to deal with depression is to talk about it with loved ones or friends. The more people we have talking about depression will only decrease the stigma we feel about it, and by you speaking out it not only helps you but could help others as well. From my own experience I can tell you that people really appreciate knowing others are talking about mental health because it makes things easier for them.
As for me, I battle daily with my demons but I always have an ear for someone who wants to talk about depression, sometimes that’s all people with depression require….

Jun 10 2013

An Update for You

I am still wifeless – she wants space so I am leaving her in peace.

I am coping pretty damn well though if I do say so myself. The flat have been hoovered, there is no dirty laundry and all washing up has been done. It appears I can be domesticated how would have thought….

My depression is not being allowed to affect me, as much as I am hurting right now I HAVE to stay strong for my own sanity as well as for Brandon and Lilybet.

I know a few people are concerned about any thoughts of suicide so let me reassure you all that the thought has never even crossed my mind! All I am focusing on is dragging the old Garry out from where he has been hiding, kicking and screaming if necessary!

I am Moose I AM STRONG!!!!!

I have been through enough over the past 2 years to know I can survive anything if only I realise how fucking awesome I actually am! There I said it I am awesome! I have helped lots of people through my battle and who am I to deny the public its craving for moose!

This brings me nicely to my next point….

How do you help someone with depression when they are going through hard times?

Judging by the lack of messages from people I have known online for many years it appears that doing nothing and saying nothing is the best way…

Now let me tell you this, if I am going through shit times nothing and I repeat NOTHING brightens my day more than a message from a friend asking if I am ok, and letting me know they are there if I need/want to talk.

It is not a case of saying the wrong thing, it is all about letting that person know you are there for them. By doing nothing you are only adding to their issues because it makes them think that you couldn’t care less. Believe me I am talking from experience!

It takes a few minutes to send someone a message yet that could have such a positive reaction and make a huge difference to that person.

As much as I moan about not having any friends in the real world I have some brilliant folks in the online community who have been checking up on me and listening to my wallowing…. as for those who haven’t bothered well that is their loss not mine I am not bitter about it, I would say more vindictive is my nature <evil cackle>

As I have tweeted many times before make effort with people with depression and it will help. I don’t always wanna talk about depression! I am depressed but I am still Garry/Moose I can still take the piss out of you like I used to :D

Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing prevents people from getting in touch but my experience is that I would rather have someone accidentally say the wrong thing but with good intentions than being ignored..

So to summarize for you

1) I have no suicidal thoughts or feelings

2) Moose is fucking awesome and starting to realise it!

3) Don’t be a stranger

 

 

Jun 6 2013

Down But Not Quite Out

It appears I am much better at helping other people than I am at dealing with my own shit!

But even then I tend to fuck things up so all round I’m pretty damn useless around people.  So a quick apology to anyone who I have pissed off – you know who you are!

Back to my shit though.

This week after a chat with Mrs Moose it was decided that it would be best if she went to her mums, unfortunately this is the second time in the past month so I cannot tell you if it is a separation or the end at this point.  I am hard work, I am moody, needy, selfish and downright lazy and for her to be unhappy makes my depression even worse so mutually we came to this decision. What the future holds is anybodies guess but after almost 8 years of struggling with money worries and my mental health it has taken its toll on the both of us and the fight appears to have gone.

Where this leaves me currently is even harder to decipher, the prospect of adding a failed marriage to my list of failures is real and I am sure this makes me even more desirable to any potential partner.

What has been nice is that a few people have really stepped up in the last few days and made themselves available to talk if I need someone. It is great that people want to return the support I have given them in the past…

My low self esteem continues to eat away at me, add this to being frankly shit scared of what happens now and you can understand why I have been quiet the past few days.

I don’t see myself as desirable, lovable or attractive and I guess until I learn to like myself again I cannot expect anyone else to either. I can go one of two ways now though, I can go back to the gregarious Garry who was in all honesty a complete wanker! or I can sink into my shell even further – it appears that there is no middle ground and again this is something that I need to work on.

Certainly I am not that same 18 year old who would have a different woman a week and just didn’t care what people though of me, after all now I have a reputation as Moose to protect! but wouldn’t it be awesome for me if someone actually wanted me and lusted over me, made me feel like I was attractive. Who doesn’t want to feel wanted and needed? I know I do.

I am now working on being strong and trying to improve my mental health as poor old Brandon worries about his dad! He forgets it was me and him on our own for a few years before Mrs Moose came on the scene, but again I am different these days and he is an incredibly sensitive boy. Not many 13 year old kids have his sensitivity (or dramatic flair!) but he makes me very proud of him.

a rare photo of Brandon and The Moose

a rare photo of Brandon and The Moose

 

I don’t talk much about Brandon because he isn’t as cute as Lilybet! but in all honesty it’s more about not wanting to embarrass him as he likes to read this blog – I don’t mind him reading it either as it educating him on mental health, something I wish my mother had done with me as she suffered from depression when I was growing up.