Quiet Moose

You may have noticed the silence from me over the past few days, if you haven’t why not :D

Truth be told I am having a difficult time dealing with financial issues resulting from my stupid gambling problems. When I went mental a few weeks ago I basically wiped out Sheryl’s overdraft and since then we start every week with a balance of minus £200 and benefits are getting swallowed up trying to play catch up.

As we speak today I got my benefits yesterday and have a grand total of £50 available for the next 2 weeks once all bills were covered (and by all I mean the essentials), food shopping is not an option so we are working our way through whats left in the freezer as the fridge is empty and the cupboards almost bare.

I can cope with most aspects of mental health but the stresses of poverty are dragging me under as usual especially as we approach the dreaded C word period.

I am asking for help in publicising my books to at least try and help me earn a few quid pocket money.

Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that cremations cost so much money!

I am working hard emotionally to keep a brave face on things and I appreciate all the people who have gone above and beyond trying to support me, one person actually donated some money to me yesterday an unbelievable act that had me in tears at the gesture.

For once I would love to be able to not worry about money and the stresses lack of it brings, after all I am on benefits and we are meant to live the life of a king according to the media! The truth is much different though, sure my rent is paid and for that I am grateful as I have the security of a roof over my head but what about other things in life, should I really have to contemplate disconnecting the internet and my only real lifeline in terms of the outside world? yes its getting that bad!

Without internet access obviously that means no blog and this is such a passion of mine let alone the social interactions I have via Facebook and Twitter.

I am sick of reading about how easy life is for people on benefits would love to see Mps living on what money we receive especially as it is paid fortnightly so your living on fresh air for the week before and the week after you get money because bills and shopping takes it all away soon as you get it. In fact I haven’t done a proper food shop for weeks now but it’s Okay because I am on benefits and therefor extremely well off! IF ONLY

Of course it is easy for people to tell me to find a job but in case your not aware I am too ill to work!

Looking at things to sell to make money and only thing I have of value is my body! any offers?

Moose Senses Tingling

I tried to explain to Sheryl how I feel today, I always try to let her know about my feelings to get them out in the open and off my chest to attempt to make me feel better.

Today though I have this strange feeling in the pit of stomach that either something bad is going to happen or something is going to go wrong and I cannot for the life of me put my finger on it.

It is almost like sensing impending doom I feel queasy but not sick, my IBS is playing up due to stress but I have no idea what I am stressing over besides this uneasy sense of “something bad is coming”.

There is something not right in the moose world today and it is bugging the hell out of me, worse still is the worry if anyone knows where I am coming from!

Money worries never leave me, health worries are always here so is it just the depression?

Sometimes I get overconfident in terms of my recovery and it likes to bring me gentle reminders that I am still a work in progress but this feels different.

Anyone else willing to decipher this because I’m baffled and frustrated!

A Quick Apology

Firstly thank you for all the well wishes yesterday and today!

After suffering from “the night of a 1000 shivers” I felt much better today unbelievably  14 hours since I woke up and my duvet is currently in the tumble dryer as it is still wet! thats how bad it was last night eek!

Thankfully I was well enough to attend the workshop today. It was important for me to attend the last one of the 3 as it is not often I get to meet people let alone go out for a length of time and I was pleased I was well enough to attend

And so the apology

I am a long way behind on reading other blogs and replying to comments so please bare with me while I play catch up with you and do not be offended if I have yet to reply to a comment. I am feeling better physically and mentally today and will get cracking tonight on reading blogs etc.

Thank you all for your continued support it humbles me on a daily basis!

Moose is not well – sympathy please!

Oh my I have been one ill moose today! Not just me though Sheryl has been throwing up since 3 am, Lilybet all day and I have the runs like nobodies business!

Seriously if I have not lost weight today based on the amount of time spent on the loo today I am gonna go mad!

All started at 5am when I woke up in crippling stomach pain and just about managed to get to the toilet on time where I sat until 7! I can recite next weeks TV magazine word for word!

And so I have spent nearly all day in bed trying to sleep, in between qualifying for the next Olympics in the 100 metres.

The worse thing though is poor Elizabeth being sick all day and at times she just wonders into the bathroom and has fallen asleep next to the toilet :0(

Sheryl and I have zero enjoy and unfortunately for her Lilybet is a mummies girl when not well.

Being the dedicated person that I am I wanted to share my shitty day with you LOL

In between the sweat the shivers and the toilet runs it taken me over 45 minutes to write this

Tomorrow is the last day of the mind workshop and I am hoping I feel better enough to go BUT should I really go if I am risking passing it on to others? need advice here please!

10k run and other challenges

By now you would have read the post about my signing up for the 10k run in May next year.

It no big deal after all it is only 10km (or roughly 6.2miles) I hear you cry

But here is the thing that makes this a massive challenge for me and one that I am determined to achieve

I weigh 16 stone that makes me  5 stone overweight and obese my BMI is 34.1

I am 34 next month and have smoked pretty much since I was 16 although I started at 10 i wasnt a regular until16 so thats almost half my life smoking.

I want to give this up as part of my training so that is challenge #1

I have knackered knees that forced me to quit playing football 10 years ago and suffer pain even from walking on most days, this is also because of the weight I am carrying so challenges #2 and #3 are to lose weight and overcome the pain in my knees.

Challenge #4 comes in the shape of actually getting my fat lazy arse out the flat to actually do the training that it will take to ensure I can finish the 10km in a decent time and in one piece! I want to run this 10km not walk around the course.

Then  of course is challenge #5 which involves raising money for the charity. I have set my target at their minimum of £150 but am hoping from friends will smash that figure.

5 challenges in one event is not easy is it but I am confident that I will overcome every single one of them with the amazing support I get from people on twitter and facebook.

wish me luck!!

Run for your life Moose!

I have registered to take part in the Bupa London 10,000  to raise money for Mind

This is a massive thing for me because we all know I am a fat git with knackered knees BUT this will give me something to aim for in the next months. The event is on May 27th and already my knees are screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

And so it begins – I have not run since I was a teenager and I was considerably lighter then! But I WILL do this and lose weight in the process.

You can donate here http://www.justgiving.com/GarryWilliams all donations would be amazing the minimum I am looking to raise is £150 but hopefully we can smash that figure please help spread the word!

It will be worth your donation to know how much pain and suffering I will endure to do something incredible in my life for once.

Who knows after 10k run the marathon could be my next goal in 2014!

Massive massive thanks to Liam who kindly donated the registration fee for me!

The Moose Strikes Back

I have lost my light saber so cannot take a picture and recreate the image from the empire strikes back so just use your imagination.

Today I am all over the place with restlessness up and down more times than a whore’s knickers but strangely I feel incredibly positive.

There are a million and one ideas flying around my head today and nearly every single one is about how I can help other people.

Be it just a gentle tweet of encouragement or a message to someone I feel like I have plenty to offer people in their own battles and I hope people know that if they ever feel alone I am always a tweet, DM or email away.

Now the issue is what to do with all these ideas in terms of settling on just one and making it work as opposed to starting loads of things. My brain doesn’t work too well with lots of unfinished things going on so while I work out the next project or plan of action I am going to focus on making YOU feel better. How does that sound?

I actually really want to start a new book maybe a second part of the diary is due the feeling of pride you get from turning your random posts into a paperback that inspires others is hard to explain.

So how can I help you today?

Listen to the Lyrics of this song

Not something I would usually listen to but if it is good enough for my good friend Teresa (the crazy kitty from Texas who is my angel!) then its good enough for me and just hearing this for the first time really uplifted me!

 

 

I’m not about to give up

Because I heard you say

There’s gonna be brighter days

There’s gonna be brighter days

I wont stop, Ill keep my head up

No, I’m not here to stay

There’s gonna be brighter days

There’s gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break

As long as I can see your face

(Chorus)

When life wont play along

And right keeps going wrong

And I cant seem to find my wayI know where I am found

So I wont let it drag me down

Oh, I’ll keep dancing anyway
I’m gonna move (move)

I’m gonna move (move)

I’m gonna move (I’m gonna move)
Ive got to hold ‘er steady

Keep my head in the game

Everything is about to change

Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy

But I’m not about to cave

Everything is about to change

There’s gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break

As long as I can see your face

 

(Chorus)

 

No matter what may come

Gotta move to a different drum

No matter what life brings

Gotta move gotta move to a different beat

(x2)

I just might bend but wont break

As long as I can see your face

(Chorus)

x2

Read more: MERCY ME – MOVE LYRICS

Down, Down, Deeper and Down

It has been a really tough few days, not sure what kicked this cycle off but since Thursday morning I have been in a bad way.

Started off looking forward to attending another Mind workshop and headed off feeling okay. Half through between home and the underground station my stomach was in knots and anxiety kicked in, to the point where I almost went home again. It didn’t help that the central line was suspended when I got there but I jumped on a bus to a different station and made my way there.

I am always quite vocal at these workshops and every time I contribute I feel like I come across as too overbearing and eager to be heard, I’m sure the people at the workshops would disagree but while I am chatting away or contributing I can hear my brain telling  me to shut the hell up and let others have a say.

I can’t fight this feeling of self loathing no matter how hard I try. I only have to look at a mirror to feel unhappy.

I hate the way I look, I hate wearing glasses, hate going grey, hate being fat and pretty much despise everything about my appearance.

I am desperate for some new glasses, the ones I currently have are a few years old now but the problem I have is that my vision is so bad I have to get my lenses thinned. If I keep the lenses as they come they look like coke bottles as they are so thick and I would never wear them out but it costs a small fortune to get the lenses thinned which rules out any new glasses in the near future.

I used to wear contact lenses but they cost money too and Lilybet wont come near me without my glasses on, yet I feel like a much more attractive person without glasses. When I was younger and out on the town with the boys I would never go out wearing glasses. I used to get zero attention from women wearing glasses, in fact one time I was approached by a woman in a club when I was wearing my contacts, unfortunately for her the previous week I approached her whilst wearing glasses and she practically laughed in my face! great for the confidence!

It’s not about making myself feel more attractive to the opposite sex though, after all I have a beautiful wife but all the knock backs over the years are playing havoc with me now. Don’t get me wrong I have had plenty of success too but only a couple of people ever really saw me in glasses!

So how can I get over this issue with my appearance? any suggestion because it is bringing me down. I can’t seem to lose any weight, exercise doesn’t do much besides cripple me because of my knee problems and I am so ashamed of my weight! The other side of losing weight is that I couldn’t afford any new clothes if I lost weight anyway!

Yet it would be lovely to feel like a success and not a failure even if it was for a day!

As I was explaining to someone the other day I don’t look at the fact that I published 2 books as a success, I look at the sales figures and think no one is buying them because I’m a failure and I can’t get out of this mindset.

I have done nothing around the flat the past few days, I have no clean plates because I am too useless to get my fat backside into gear and wash up! Poor Sheryl is rushed off her feet and I do nothing to help her which only increases my self loathing.

Somethings gotta give in the coming days/weeks because I am struggling to deal with this especially during the bad cycles, which are becoming more frequent!

Serves me right for starting to think I was beating this depression!

And don’t get me started on my constant need for validation and reassurance! Believe me it annoys me more than it does you guys on twitter or facebook who have to read my whiny tweets/status seems the deeper I think about my triggers/causes for depression the more issues I reveal!

IBS Woes

Gotta love having IBS up top of all my other problems! so here is a shitty ditty for you all

 

Just once let me wake up in the morning

and not have to run for a shit

my life is hard enough lately

and this is getting me down quite a bit

 

I’ve only been up 20 minutes

and already on my 3rd visit

this is no way for a young man to live

please say it will get better, but will it?

 

It affecting all aspects of my life,

and its caused changes I dont like

I once would have been sponsored by durex

now I’m writing to Andrex

 

Wish I knew what was causing this problem

the stress and anxiety thats causing it

but for now one thing is for certain,

in more ways than one my life is shit!