“One Step Closer”

It is going to be one of those days today!

Firstly a big thank you to the people who sent me birthday messages via Facebook, Twitter and WordPress. I had over 100 messages which really took the edge of a shitty birthday!

Actually the blame lies with me because I am superficial and materialistic and expect more than people can give.

It is wrong at my age to want presents really isn’t it but that is how I roll I am afraid.

Anyway back to today and I had to rush out to put gas and electric on the meters as we were about to run out. Grudgingly I headed down to the shops got halfway down the road and had a coughing fit which resulted in me soiling myself and having to go back home and change clothes.

Yep, another day when I leave the flat and shit myself in public!

And yet soon the government will be forcing me to work or punish me!

So today I am listening to the following song on repeat and feeling shitty indeed!

 

 

 

 

“One Step Closer”

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you’ll say
You’ll find that out anyway

Just like before…

[Chorus:]
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Just like before…

[Chorus]

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

I’m about to BREAK

[Chorus]

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Birthday Treats for Moose

Today I was planning on getting my lip pierced and an awesome new tattoo idea I have in my head turned into a work of art on my body.

I can afford neither as the last remaining money I have for the next 10 days went into Tesco profits instead as the kids refuse to starve so I can spoil myself.

Yes its morally wrong that I want to treat myself on my birthday but I am sick of never being able to do anything nice for myself and I want to be spoiled for once!

The good news is I may just have enough money in terms of 10p 20p and 50p coins to afford a pack of cigarettes today! no i haven’t managed to give up yet dont judge me :D

and then to top it all off a present I got for Sheryl to cheer her up has arrived on MY birthday meaning she has more presents to open today than me ffs

I think I can hear bed calling me for the day…

Reflecting on my 33rd Year

Today (29th November) I turn 34 and a new chapter of my life begins so what better time to look back and reflect on my 33rd year and what I have done in that year.

This time last year I was still convinced denial was a river in Egypt (the Nile geddit?) and hiding away my depression from everyone including Sheryl.

I was a shadow of my former self spending 20 hours a day playing mafia wars on Facebook and miserably attempting to coach a kids football team with no enthusiasm from me and the children!

I believed I was unique in the problems I was experiencing and didn’t want to share my fears with anyone as it was “just a phase” and that I could “snap out of it” myself.

You all know the window story and how it could have all gone wrong but here I am awaiting another birthday when at times I didn’t expect to see another.

So since turning 33 what have I achieved?

Biggest thing was actually realising that I needed help and seeking it = win for Moose

second thing was starting this blog to help myself and others = win for Moose

publishing two books = win for Moose

making new friends on twitter, Facebook and the big bad world outside my flat = win for Moose

helping other people with their depression = win for Moose

Quickly adding that up I make that a final score of..

MOOSE 5 – DEPRESSION 0

Not sure about you but I make that a pretty good year overall despite some ups and downs I have achieved more than I could have thought at this stage last year!

Now join me in celebrating my birthday tomorrow and raise a glass of whatever you fancy in my honour while I sit back and watch the donations and presents pile up! ****

*** actually all I am expecting is a depressedmoose.com kindle cover but thats kinda exciting too right? :D

4 am and wide awake

I didn’t sleep all night Monday and its now 4 am Wednesday morning and here I am still wide awake.

Which for a change is okay because I am wide awake and NOT stressed, NOT worried about things and NOT feeling down!

Yep that’s right as we speak I feel really good!

I feel inspired again, I feel back to wanting to support people again and more importantly I have felt more like Garry from pre depression days than I have for years and years!

And I have no idea why

I am not going to over think the hows and the whys though I am planning on enjoying this serenity in my mind while it lasts.

I am not even planning to sleep I am going to wait until 7 am when it is time to wake Brandon up for school and bug him instead it is much more fun and write some posts for this blog.

Besides there is nothing sweeter than waking him up in the morning, call it revenge for all the times he wakes me up hehehe

 

Normal Service Resuming

Last night I thought I would treat Brandon and myself to pizza hut.

After I managed to dry out the pizza from the river of grease it arrived in we sat and ate our pizza but boy oh boy am I regretting it this morning!

The IBS has kicked in big time, guess I should be pleased that it took around 12 hours as normally its down one hole and out another in record time!

But to celebrate things returning to normality with the IBS I wanted to share a little song with you this morning…

 

Lucky I can laugh at myself really!

Oh it feels good to be back to the old me again!

Nothing Lasts Forever…

…Even Cold November Rain!

Its nearly the end of a wet and miserable November and as I write this it is 2.30 in the morning and I am sitting awake with tooth ache!

Now if you are not aware of the significance of tooth ache at 2.30 let me break it down for you (two thirty or tooth hurty – same thing innit – and you thought I was a posh bloke didnt ya :P )

Moose and tooth ache do not really combine well! In fact it must be around 8 years since I last saw a dentist, and was about 12 years prior to that!

Hopefully just the result of stress I have been under recently. Queen Lilybet is still unwell but touch wood so far tonight she has not woke up coughing and being sick so after 4 weeks I pray she is finally on the mend and go back to nursery tomorrow.

The past few nights she has been awake until 3-4 am, in fact at 2 am Friday night I was in the middle of a bubble wrap war with my 3 year old, and to think Sheryl calls me childish!

Saturday night saw me hit a bit of a mini crisis when I was so down I decided only Jack Daniels could help but thankfully a few choice words of support were said on twitter and Facebook and I saw the light! I also had a wonderful telephone call with Teresa in Texas for 10 mins that filled me with joy! Teresa you are my angel!

Besides that little blip I am feeling positive today, even through the ache in my mouth. A little physical pain pails into significance compares to mental anguish believe me!

And so back to November rain…

I fricking love this song and the epic 9 minute video that goes with it!

As always the lyrics are open to interpretation but as far as I am aware the song was written by Axl Rose about his marriage. Some of the words though can fit with how I feel about myself at times and about depression.

An example is as follows

“So never mind the darkness we still can find a way

Nothin’ lasts forever even cold November rain”

we all know the darkness is a feeling common with depression

enjoy the video below and the fan-bloody-tastic guitar solo by Slash

the lyrics are as follows

When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained

But darlin’ when I hold you, don’t you know I feel the same?yeah

Nothin’ lasts forever and we both know hearts can change

And it’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain
We’ve been through this such a long long time

Just tryin’ to kill the pain, ooh yeah

But lovers always come and lovers always go

An’ no one’s really sure who’s lettin’ go today, walking away
And if we take the time to lay it on the line

I could rest my head just knowin’ that you were mine, all mine

So if you want to love me then darlin’ don’t refrain

Or I’ll just end up walkin’ in the cold November rain

Do you need some time on your own?

Do you need some time all alone?

Everybody needs some time on their own

Don’t you know you need some time all alone?

I know it’s hard to keep an open heart

When even friends seem out to harm you

But if you could heal the broken heart

Wouldn’t time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time on my own

Sometimes I need some time all alone

Everybody needs some time on their own

Don’t you know you need some time all alone

And when your fears subside and shadows still remain, oh yeah

I know that you can love me when there’s no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness we still can find a way

Nothin’ lasts forever even cold November rain

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one, you’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one, you’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one, you’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

=========================

A classic!

My Favourite Hymn

I am not a particularly religious person, have not attended a church service since the days of sunday school in my single digit years but I have recently been drawn towards the church as a place of sanctuary and somewhere I can go and sit by myself and reflect on life in general (well that was the church opened on a wednesday evening for some “quiet time” last few weeks I have been there it has been closed, but that is a different story for a different rant!)

As a child in school we always used to sing hymns in assembly and before the cigarettes turned my voice into a gravely mess I could hold a tune and enjoyed the hymns. One particular one has always stood out for me though, it is played at family funerals that I have been too and as a football fan it is played before the FA Cup final every year and that hymn is “Abide With Me”

The words are posted below and some of them really seem appropriate to my battle with depression and they always remind me of lost uncles and this in turn inspires me.

 

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,
But as Thou dwell’st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

 

and although im sure I may have posted this video before you need to hear a rendition of this hymn performed by Emeli Sande (if you cant view the video go to youtube and try and view it in your country)

 

 

Just listening to this last night stopped me from drinking myself into a state!

Outside Looking In

Things are not always what they seem from the outside when depression gets a hold of someone

Been a while since I tried some poetry as always forgive me as it is not a strong point of mine!

This is no way indicative of how I feel today though….

 

 

You have wonderful kids and a beautiful wife!

I hate myself and hate my life!

 

You have a roof over your head!

My place is so small I dont sleep in a bed!

 

you live off the state so you must be rich!

try telling that to my empty freezer and fridge!

 

you get money for nothing life must easy!

Im dealing with thoughts that are trying to kill me!

 

you spend all your time on the internet!

I have to rely on people that I’ve never met!

 

depression isn’t real its all in your head!

I battle with the feeling of being better off dead!

 

your putting it on there is nothing wrong that I can see!

walk a mile in my shoes and see what its like being me!

 

You have a smile on your face you cant be ill!

the smile is fake masking how I really feel!

 

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Blog of The Year Award 2012

 

 

The delightful Rory has kindly nominated me for the Blog of the Year award and being the needy person I am it is an honour to accept this!

As you can see I have one star filled out of 6. If you think I should have more stars please say so below. Obviously I think I should have 7 because I am super special and wonderfully delusional.

The ‘rules’ for this award are simple:

1 Select the blog(s) you think deserve the ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award

2 Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen – there’s no minimum or maximum number of blogs required – and ‘present’ them with their award.

3 Please include a link back to this page ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award – http://thethoughtpalette.co.uk/our-awards/blog-of-the-year-2012-award/   and include these ‘rules’ in your post (please don’t alter the rules or the badges!)

4 Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ‘rules’ with them

5 You can now also join our Facebook group – click ‘like’ on this page ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award Facebook group and then you can share your blog with an even wider audience

6 As a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award – and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar … and start collecting stars…

‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award Badges

Here are the six badges for you to collect – you can either ‘swop’ your badge for the next one each time you are given the award – or even proudly display all six badges if you are lucky enough to be presented with the award six times! ‘Blog of the Year 2012’ Award – http://thethoughtpalette.co.uk/our-awards/blog-of-the-year-2012-award/   

My nominees are

weegee

bourbon

madd

brandonbored

makeupandmartazipan

3 Am…

Once again the clock turns to 3am and I am sitting awake with a million thoughts running through my head.

None with any actual good suggestions as to where to go from here and how to improve my situation though.

I’m sick of being sick!

The man flu has been downgraded to a cold and a chest infection and it has drained me completely all I want to do is sleep at the moment. Problem is I get so tired during the day I end up sleeping for a couple of hours which makes it even harder to sleep come night time. But I have basically been ill since the 24th October so it is no wonder I am having a rough time recently is it?

It even got to the point where I was sitting at the table eating dinner the other night when I shit myself! barely a warning and not even time to make my world famous toilet dash! How is that for bringing you down another level when you cant even eat your dinner anymore!

So despite my best attempts at trying to be positive it seems everything is conspiring against me and once more my body is letting me down!

As it is getting colder and colder my arthritis in my left knee is playing up causing me pain that keeps me awake as well as the inability to shut my brain off come night time. Sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa is not helping matters either but im stuck there until a miracle happens and a suitable council property comes up and we are not in the 80s on the list! By that time the kids will have grown up and moved out!

But as it is thanksgiving time in America this week I wanted to say thanks to people who have stuck by me and seem to genuinely care how I am doing

In no particular order I give you

Liz Draper

Teresa

Cindy

Hazel

Helen

Julie

Tracey

weegee

Bourbon

debby aka saz

Madd

Celia

Avril

only one man in that group tells an interesting story although another does deserve a little mention as he has been there for me with messages of support so cheers to

twstdpsycho

thank you all for your support and kind words when I need them!

Hopefully November can go out on a high note because its been worse than October and that is saying something!

And as for my birthday – officially cancelled due to lack of interest and money!