Right Said Moose

Today I sent a tweet to the lead singer of Right Said Fred, Richard Fairbrass, directing him to the post where I changed his song “I’m too sexy” into “I’m Too Depressed”

Click here for a reminder of my genius on that particular post

Anyways I was both surprised and delighted to receive a reply from him!

my twitter conversation with Richard Fairbrass

my twitter conversation with Richard Fairbrass

 

He also retweeted my blog to his followers as part of my competition to win a signed copy of my book so the delightful Life-on-the-edge has won the copy of the book

Meanwhile I am heading to the barbers to get my right said fred haircut then waiting for Mr Fairbrass to agree to being a backing singer for the new single :D

 

Bullied….By Myself

I am a victim of bullying.

As a kid I was bullied for wearing glasses, I was bullied for being good at football, i was bullied for having a twitch with my nose that made me look like a bunny rabbit! I was bullied for being mouthy as well. I was one of those kids who could never keep his mouth shut and got a few well deserved good hidings as a result of my big mouth.

Only these things were, to me, a part of growing up and did not really impact on my life as a kid/teenager. Those days I could counter any abuse with my own vicious tongue and gave as good as I got more often than not!

But now I am bullied and tormented daily.

Everyday I am told how useless I am, that I am a failure, a waste of space, a shit father and husband and how my blog and books are awful etc.

The difference now is that the person bullying me is myself!

So the question is how do you deal with the self esteem issues that eat away at you?

There has always been 2 Garry’s. There was the one who wore glasses and there was the one who wore contact lenses.

The difference between the 2 of them was one had confidence and the other did not.

One was capable of talking to and approaching women in night clubs etc and did not give a shit about rejection etc. The other would sit in the corner.

One would dance the night away not caring what anyone thought of his “unique” moves. The other wouldn’t even be in a club to begin with.

So when did the change from being confident person (albeit a front) to this person know who I barely recognise?

I know which person I prefer being!

People who have met me in real life recently will be surprised to know about my self esteem issues as I think I carry myself off as a confident, self assured person. To an extent I am, especially when surrounded by other people.

I am surprised myself that I suffer from low self esteem! it really does make me laugh because I know it is not the real me! but then when was the last time I was the real Garry?

With this in mind I am going to try a different approach for the next month and focus on everything positive that I do or have done! A post explaining more will follow shortly!

Anyways I heard this song written by Jessie J about bullying and I wanted to share it with you. I am playing this as my confident self to the Garry who bullies me because as of this moment I am putting a stop to it and standing up for myself!

One of those songs where lyrics jump out at you and inspire you!

 

Oh, so you think you know me now
Have you forgotten how
You would make me feel
When you dragged my spirit down?
But thank you for the pain
It made me raise my game
And I’m still rising, I’m still rising

Yeah Yeah

So make your jokes
Go for broke
Blow your smoke
You’re not alone
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now
So raise the bar
Hit me hard
Play your cards
Be a star
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now

Second Chances – A Book By Garry Williams

I started a novel in September last year but have been unable to continue with it since then. I wanted to show you the prologue and get your opinion on the start so far – hopefully so positive comments will inspire me to get started again.

so here goes…

Prologue

 

Alone in the apartment, the silence of the room was deafening. Not even the recognisable familiar hum of the fridge-freezer, no noise coming from the Television, with the smashed screen destroyed in another fit of rage and frustration.

Just one single person curled up into a ball, unaware of the fact that it has been almost 4 days since he last moved. The electric had long since gone because he needed to put some money on to the key meter and couldn’t leave the sanctuary of home, couldn’t face the world outside.

The sun breaks through the windows and the warmth of its rays brings about a stirring, and suddenly the man is awake and full of intent, the nightmares have brought a moment of clarity and a way to finally ease the pain.

It would be so easy to end it all, no one would notice, days even weeks would pass before someone thinks to themselves “Haven’t seen Michael Walker for a while, I wonder if he is ok”

The so called “easy way out” seems so appealing, a simple yet effective way to bring an end to this life. It is easier said than done though because although Michael is an unhappy man he is not a brave one. Something as important as ending his life would take planning to make sure it was done properly. He always joked about how unlucky he was and deep down he knew if he attempted suicide he would only get it wrong.

And yet, this time he was serious about it all, his friends had long since given up on him. They had grown tired of his bitterness, the lack of vibrancy that once made him Mr Popular, the man everyone could turn to in an emergency to set the world to rights.

“Lock up your daughters here comes Michael” was a regular battle cry in brighter times as he would always manage to leave the night clubs with a different woman each week. Michael was a charmer, he had the ability to make anyone feel comfortable in his company. Women never stood a chance around him he had the lot, the looks, the confidence and most importantly he was a gentleman, in public at least.

But that was then and things changed the moment he met Isabella, the beauty who seemed so unobtainable. Michael fell head over heals in love and fell hard and fast, she had everything he looked for in a woman and before long he had given up everything to be with her.

Five years of bliss were painfully ripped away from him when one rainy night after a rare argument she walked out of the restaurant in tears, straight into the path of a stolen car, she never stood a chance and was pronounced dead on the scene. Michael held her in his arms as she took her last breath and struggled to let her body be taken away to the morgue. Only the sounds of the sirens from the Ambulance and Police cars could be heard above his screams of anguish.

Every night since that accident, approaching the second anniversary, was spent the same way. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a photo frame, with the last photograph taken of Isabella and Michael, across his chest Michael would finally drift off into sleep where he would again be reunited with his love.

 

Sleep is my Frenemy

Today I actually made it to an appointment with the mental health team in Goodmayes for an assessment. This was a case of 3rd time lucky and after over an hour with the Dr I left with more questions than answers!

“what is it you think we can do for you?”

That was the question that bugged me the most as I have no idea what to expect from them.

“sort out my head so i can stop shitting myself” was my reply!

So now I have to wait to find out what happens next, do they discharge me and recommend counselling or is there something more that they can offer me. I am still waiting to find out if I have bipolar or not as my GP suspects this may be the case.

What I was wasn’t expecting was to be lectured about my sleep and sleeping habits. It is a big issue for me and I was hoping they could shed some light on the hows and why of the cycle of constant sleep or no sleep.

Instead its all my fault for going to sleep when I am tired, regardless of the time of day. It’s like I wake up after hours of broken sleep still feeling tired on purpose!

Today for example I had to get up 3 hours before my appointment time just to ensure I could go to the toilet before leaving. I managed 5 hours sleep last night (on and off) but as soon as I came home I ended up sleeping for 4 hours.

This week I have been trying to avoid sleeping during the day and had been going to bed at 10pm, expect that 3-4 hours later I was waking up and wide awake! Then I wasnt able to fall back to sleep until 6am!

But apparently its all my fault and I need to work harder at staying awake, even when absolutely shattered! I pointed out that one of my issues at the moment was having zero energy but the sleep pattern is all my fault. Even when I mentioned that during my “happy” cycles I don’t need as much sleep but this seemed to go unnoticed.

Here is my prediction for what happens next…

The mental health team will decide that they can’t do anything for me and refer me to Sanibel (a local place here that does counselling).

Sanibel have already written to my GP stating that they don’t think I should be referred to them as it’s more a case for the mental health team.

And me? I will be stuck in limbo again!

Nevermind its almost time for a nap!

Send me an Angel

 

 

photo credit: Google images

photo credit: Google images

I know your up there looking down on me,

Send me an angel or some kind of sign,

something to help or to guide me,

Through this difficult time.

 

If you were still here today,

you would know the right things to say.

You would tell me you love me and that you believe,

Instead I’m lost without you struggling to grief.

 

Knowing to you I could turn,

lessons you helped me learn,

You helped me from doing wrong,

Because your faith in me was strong.

 

Please send me an angel,

To watch over and guide.

Give me back that warm sensation

Of feeling your pride.

 

Just a flicker of the lights,

or some tapping on the wall.

Anything to let me know

your still here after all.

 

Send this angel today

in the form of motivation,

remind me what I’m good at

give me some inspiration

 

Makes me creative again

put the words in my heart

if im touched by an angel

i can make a fresh start!

 

 

Nothing

Zero, zilch.

This currently best describes the following

  • energy
  • enthusiasm
  • motivation
  • creativity
  • willingness to do anything besides crawl back into bed!

I feel empty, useless and worthless all rolled into one bundle of miserable bastard.

AND I HATE IT

Thankfully the need to spend hours on the toilet has subsided for now so I no longer have to fight with my onesie to get it off before my EAS kicks in. EAS is my own diagnoses for IBS – it stands for Exploding Ass Syndrome! Thankfully I do not have any images to share with you!

I woke up today at around 2.45pm and could quite easily stayed in bed all day were it not for people unknown kicking the bed waking me up, and even after around 10 hours sleep I still feel exhausted and drained!

I guess its the usual case of the down cycle coming after the excitement of doing things last week and now I have nothing to look forward to again.

I try reaching out to people but I am the first to admit that I wait for people to message me rather than me message them, I guess it comes from not having the patience to wait for a reply LOL but then there are people who I reach out to who simply ignore me and that makes things worse. So if I haven’t messaged you don’t take it personally it’s just that I don’t think people want to hear about my depressing life!

Fingers crossed things start looking up soon before I start spending all day in bed!

A Shitty Weekend

Quite literally!

So far this weekend I am pretty sure I have broken the world record for number of toilet visits!

More a case of going for a number 222 than a number 2!

This is means that my stress and anxiety levels are going through the roof and I have no idea why.

Just when I get my depression back under some form of control and things start looking up for me my IBS returns and life becomes unbearable again.

You have no idea what it is like to be spending the day in fear of shitting yourself, and if you do then you have my sympathy!

Depression is one thing but it doesn’t mean you spend any time outside the home looking for toilets that are 1) clean and 2) actually have paper in them!

Now if only I could work out what is causing this life would be better again!

Thankfully I am able to laugh at my own misfortune as you can see from the photo below! but it really gets me down at times!

mooseshit

photo credit: Google

photo credit: Google

 

Moose Got New Ink

We all know how much I love a tattoo!

And so it gives me pleasure to reveal my newest piece, one I have wanted for years.

I made the artist an offer he couldnt refuse :D

I made the artist an offer he couldn’t refuse!

 

Big thanks to Duane for fitting me in today and creating this masterpiece!

Duane works in Mile End, his Facebook page can be found here

I highly recommend him so give him a shout his shop is a five minute walk from Mile End Underground station!