Moose Pics and slogans

This should be a new slogan!

This should be a new slogan!

 

Thanks to Bethan for creating this for me and giving me the link to the website where I could create some more! found something to keep me occupied at night now LOL

Depression does not define me!

Depression does not define me!

 

These things happen when I am bored lol I am really just a big kid at heart!

Gym Meet The Moose, Moose Meet Exercise

Having signed up for the gym on Monday I have completed 4 sessions this week so far. I woke up early again this morning and was in the gym by 9.10!

That’s almost 3 hours earlier than I would normally wake up so progress is being made! In fact most of this week I have been waking up early and actually doing something positive with my days.

Although £30 a month membership is quite a big chunk of my benefits (especially once the new changes come into effect) I am pretty sure the positives of being active, socialising and actually leaving home with outweigh the downside of more financial struggle. I will probably make the money back by not eating so much shit as I try to get myself back into shape!

Funny how people are so obsessed with having a six pack when I should be shouting about my 26 pack I currently have! surely seeing as 26 is much higher mine is more impressive?

The photo below shows just how far I have to go in order to get to the gym so I would appreciate a round of applause for making the effort just to get there! Bare in mind I am usually knackered by the time I get there :-)

Follow Black Line for walk to Gym

Follow Black Line for walk to Gym

Okay so maybe I can’t use the excuse that it is too far to go! But the plan is to take Lilybet to nursery and then hit the gym on the way home for an hour or more (knees permitting!)

They say exercise is good for depression but from my point of view it doesn’t help YET!

Allow me to explain

My knees are fucked! so far 7 minutes is the amount of time it takes before the pain gets really bad on the treadmill but I soldier on…

7 FUCKING MINUTES!! im only 34 for the love of God! I should be able to not suffer pain after 7 minutes WALKING on a treadmill! – This makes me depressed

I cannot do the things that I used to find easy! – This makes me depressed

I’m the fat guy at the Gym – This makes me really depressed

I am terribly conscious of the state of my body even worse because of the fact that I was a footballer once upon a time! now I look like a football. Seeing the posers strutting through the gym does my head in! “Hey look at me” walking around and not on any machines just strutting lol

And yet I am going to enjoy this little experiment of going to the gym and trying to get healthy! The great bonus is that I can count how many calories I have lost and reward myself with a Big Mac!

Moose getting ready to hit the treadmill!

Moose getting ready to hit the treadmill!

 

I spend too much time worrying about the here and now and not the bigger picture. Obviously deep down I know that I cannot walk straight back into a gym after 8 years and do the things I used to be able to! But that is not how my brain and depression work.

“You can’t do it you’re a failure!”

“Give up the pain is too much”

and many other phrases my mind uses to try and get me back home and under the duvet!

Trying to work through it all brings its own rewards though and the knowledge that for the past 3 days I have been on the treadmill for an hour at a time makes the pain worthwhile!

Just over 5k in an hour! a good start for a fat moose

Just over 5k in an hour! a good start for a fat moose

 

so although at the moment exercise is not great for my depression the future looks promising once I give myself time to see the results of the work I put in. Then I can deal with my body issues and feel pride in the effort I am making.

This is assuming I can stick to this once the bad cycles makes its inevitable appearance! Things are much easier to do when your feeling up.

That two minute walk from home to the gym could be the best little walk I have made in years!

And as always, if I can do this then so can YOU! meet me at the treadmill! I’m the guy with St John’s Ambulance men on standby.

The other good thing about the location of my gym is that we are in The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE) land so if I am wearing shorts and the IBS kicks in and I have an accident I can simply say that my fake tan has smeared down my legs :D

 

Pearls of Wisdom from DWP

I had an early night last night. Went to bed at 10 to watch The Godfather part 2 and fell asleep not long after and before I knew it I was awake at the crack of a sparrows fart!

Sometimes I enjoy waking up and watching the night turn into day, especially if there is a nice sunrise – I find it kind of symbolic in a “it’s a new dawn” kind of way.

The past few days since my last post have been pretty great. I seem to have a new found confidence and feeling of optimism that has been missing for a long time and I wake up each morning looking forward to the day as opposed to waking up tired and miserable. I must admit I like the way I am feeling at the moment and just up it lasts!

Yesterday I received a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) with an update on the housing benefit changes that will soon come into force. Not only did they bring me the good news that they estimate I will have to find £50 a week to cover the rent but they also came up with some rather helpful suggestions for dealing with the decrease in housing benefit.

  1. Ask your landlord for a reduction in the cost of your rent!
  2. move into cheaper accommodation
  3. get a job and claim working tax credit

speechless? yes I was too when I read this. I can just imagine the laughter from landlords up and down the country as millions of people now ring them up and ask for cheaper rent! naturally they are all going to say yes and make the rent cheaper for us.

Here is an example of what will happen:

me: Hi Home group the DWP suggested I should ring you and request you decrease my rent as my housing benefit is no longer covering the full amount.

home: HA HA HA HA tell the DWP to go fuck themselves with that suggestion!

or words to that affect.

me: Hi Redbridge council, the DWP suggest I should move into cheaper accommodation

Redbridge: what? your already over occupied in your tiny flat as it is so there is no way we can move you into anything smaller and therefor cheaper. Besides your on the waiting list for a BIGGER property. Tell the DWP to go fuck themselves with that suggestion.

you get the drift.

It must be nice to live in the same world as government officials and agencies where no doubt unicorns fart rainbows and Iain Dickhead Smith is considered as a thoroughly nice man!

Add to this the new council tax bill that has been received and it all seems like the government is working hard to piss me off at the moment, but they won’t bring me down.

Yesterday I even went and joined the gym across the road from my flat. The exercise on referral scheme has inspired me to get back on track with losing weight. I was measure across my stomach and it was a staggering 46 inches! I need to do something about this. When I was asked what my goals were for the exercise scheme my reply was “to see my penis when I look down!” somewhat tongue in cheek but would be nice to actually feel confident about how I look for a change.

Now I just need to get my ass into the gym especially as my 10k run is 2 months away!

Speaking of my 10k run on 27th May who is coming to meet me at the finish line? Would be great to have some people cheering me on (or carrying the stretcher) especially if you all bring a big mac each cos I will need to eat something :D

New Godfather Tattoo (Again)

Another new tattoo, another 3 hours of pain. My Godfather theme tattoo is starting to take shape and Duane the tattooist at Illumin-Eye Tattoo is a genius!

You can find him on Facebook here if your in London and can get to Mile End in east London then do it!

Tell him Moose sent you, he is a great tattooist and a real nice guy too.

So here it is, Robert De Niro as Vito Corleone from The Godfather part 2!

Don Corleone old and young!

Don Corleone old and young!

Exercise On Referral Scheme (EORS)

Having had my initial appointment with a member of the exercise on referral scheme I can now provide you with further information, although remember that the prices I show may not be the same in your area so please do not quote me on them.

The scheme is a national service which relies on referrals from your GP to gain access to it, it is not something that has been advertised massively but has been running for around 5 years. All GP’s are aware of the scheme and can be signed up to it if they have not already done so.

The idea behind it is to help people gain the benefits of exercising but it is a lot more than that. As I spoke to Steve yesterday he emphasised that it is just as important to them to help people get back into the outside world again, and finding a new routine. This is ideal for someone like me who, besides shopping and the nursery run, rarely leaves home unless essential.

Having been weighed, blood pressure taken and hips and waist being measure we spoke about what goals and plans I have for the length of the course. The EORS scheme for me is 6 weeks long with 2 sessions in the gym a week. This means that I HAVE to go out at least twice a week, out of my normal comfort zone but it also gives me something to look forward to and we all know how much I love having something to focus on!

For the 12 sessions I have to pay £12, £1 a session, which is very very reasonable for attending a gym twice a week if you ask me!

Once the 6 weeks are up I get the option of discounted gym membership for 12 months, the fee is reduced to £17 a month, which gives me unlimited access to the use of the gym. This will be perfect for me especially with the 10k run only being 2 months away and I still have not been able to train! and £17 a month for gym membership is bloody cheap especially around these parts of Essex/London where some places ask for £70+!

So besides the benefits of exercising regularly, leaving the house more often and the feelings of increased self worth gained from my exertions what is the downside of this scheme?

If you can find one let me know because I cannot think of any. The instructor will not push me to levels outside my capabilities and is more worried about making me enjoy the sessions – what more can you ask for? no pain no gain is not something i believe in, pain = moose stops :D

Do you think this is something that may help you? Speak to your GP about the scheme and find out if it will benefit you, its not just for helping fat gits like me but people with depression/stress/anxiety as well!

And if it does not work for you then at least 6 weeks down the line you can at least say you tried.

As for me I can’t wait till my first session next week! The gym wont know what hit it!

 

 

 

Exercise Referral Scheme and Moose

I have a good feeling about today, I woke up at a reasonable hour today for a change! In fact the last time I saw 9 am was probably when I had stayed awake all night due to not being able to sleep.

But today I woke up at 8.45 and for the first time, in what seems like forever, I woke up and actually felt refreshed and not knackered! This will have a huge impact on my day as nothing is worse than waking up still tired and drained and it is a nice feeling to wake up feeling good.

Today I am heading out into the world to attend my induction for the exercise referral scheme that my GP has referred me to. I did not know this existed until I received a phone call about it last week offering me a place and it seems like it could be a good thing for me.

A quick search for “Redbridge exercise referral scheme” on Google gave me the following information..

Exercise on Referral is where doctors or other health professionals can refer individuals who they feel would benefit from physical activity and help them fight their medical conditions.

Who is the Exercise on Referral Scheme for?

The Exercise on Referral Scheme is for residents who are 16+, not active and would like to increase their physical activity levels. The scheme is designed so qualified instructors can help people with medical conditions achieve their targets.

Common conditions for referral:

    • Diabetes
    • Obesity
    • Asthma
    • Hypertension
    • Depression/Stress/Anxiety
    • Bone/Joint/Muscular Conditions
    • CHD Risk Factors

What are the benefits of the scheme?

Regular physical activity will help:

    • Reduce the risk of coronary heart disease.
    • Assist with weight loss.
    • Reduce stress and anxiety.
    • Control blood sugar levels.
    • Improve mobility and posture.
    • Strengthen muscles.
    • Socialise and have fun.
    • Improve quality of life and overall health.

What activities are available?

At the moment individuals will be able to participate in:

Gym Sessions: Customers will be given individual exercise programmes which they will be able to follow under guidance of our qualified instructors.

Gym Circuit Classes: Our instructors will deliver circuit classes in the gym that will work all areas of the body and give you that little bit of variety.

Studio Classes:
 These classes will be a mixture of aerobic and circuit based sessions and will give individuals the chance to exercise outside of the gym. All of the classes will be taught by one of our qualified instructors who are there to assess and monitor your progress, help you exercise safely and with confidence, motivate and encourage you and answer all of your questions.

 

But this is a national scheme not just local to me and I wonder how many people are actually aware of this, I think it could be a great thing for a lot of people. This offers me a lot of benefits not just my depression but also my weight and knees/muscle problems and I am actually looking forward to seeing what is available.

Lord knows I need some help and motivation to exercise as looking at me presently makes people wonder when the baby is about to arrive and question whether its twins or triplets! here is proof taken about in July, although I have been hitting the weights recently so would hope I look better now.

If this is something that might appeal to you it could be worth mentioning this to your GP and finding out if it is available in your area, chances are that it will be and as we are constantly being told that exercise is good for our mental health then maybe jump on board, we can have a race to a six pack competition! Actually I did have a 6 pack once, but I drunk it :D

I will update later with more information if I can get some from the people I am seeing later. In the mean time how about a little celebration to start the day…

My little blog just got its 300th follower! 300!! crazy huh but makes me feel very proud of myself so thank you for the bottom of my heart!

One Year Ago..

This coming weekend is a tricky one for me. This time last year was the lowest point of my life when I was ready to do something silly and end it all!

Thankfully the really negative thoughts I have been dealing with the past few days have subsided enough for me to be able to look back at how far I have come in the last 12 months with a sense of pride and achievement.

I have said it many times before but cannot emphasis enough how important is can be to realise that hitting rock bottom does not have to be the end. The challenge of fighting back and seeing a new day brings it’s own rewards.

At times it has been a struggle, especially as I am someone who finds it difficult to see the positives, but I am still here! I am still fighting and I have not given up.  And that is reason to celebrate a new improved Garry since the dark days of March 2012.

In a strange way dealing with depression has made me into a better person. I am more tolerant of other people and their problems and certainly more open and honest about my own issues, as opposed to the person who took years before admitting he needed help. I certainly feel more creative since I decided to embrace my illness and try and turn it into something that could provide other people with a point of reference in terms of how someone copes with depression.

The biggest difference for me though is that I am not afraid. I am not afraid to ask for help when I need it, not afraid to talk openly about my depression and not afraid to face anything depression can throw at me.

I know there are bad days and good days and the important thing for me is that I know that mood cycles do change. When I am going through bad cycles I know that good ones are just around the corner and this helps me get through them.

A trick I like to use when I am having a bad day is to use the clock to my advantage. One day has only 24 hours in it so when I am having a bad day I work out how many hours are left in the day and wait for tomorrow to begin when it may be a good day! It may not work for you but worth trying out at least.

Here’s to another year of never feeling so low I think about not being alive anymore!

What I see Part 2

 

I have been asked to write a poem,

with much less negativity.

A chance to be more appreciative

About the good things in me.

 

I’m 16 stone of love machine

A sex god if you will,

And all achieved without the need,

for a magic blue pill!

 

with charm, charisma and wonderful humour,

I should be on the tele,

I could be the new Keith Lemon,

with less ginger and more belly.

 

A big strong heart and caring nature,

A moose just like no other,

But the sun would have a field day,

with stories sold by my evil twin brother! (sorry David)

 

I can laugh at my misfortune,

I don’t take myself too seriously,

I’d make a great presenter,

And pronounce all my letter unlike “wossy”

 

People open up to me,

They feel I’m someone they can trust,

But don’t leave me near your pizzas,

I’d eat it all and leave the crust!

 

Strong minded but gentle,

wise beyond my years.

I will hold your hand and guide you

As you take on your fears!

 

My strength comes from helping others,

seeing the victories they make.

No victory to small, no challenge we cant face,

I will be there every step of the way with dignity and grace.

 

A message of encouragement,

A simple “are you Okay?”

Knowing someone has your back

Makes such a difference to your day.

 

I’m that person, the one on who you can rely,

Celebrating your successes, or listening while you cry.

You can talk to me about any issues,

I will be here handing out the tissues.

 

If I look real hard I can see,

There are some real good qualities in me!

It is thanks to some good people out there,

To remind me to treat myself with more care.

 

So one day when your watching TV,

You just might find a moose,

fingers crossed its not crimewatch,

being caught doing things with a goose!

 

I will be famoose one day,

Just you wait and see,

a brand new television show

entitled “The Moose and Me”

 

I’d go around the country,

helping others with their woes,

overcoming life real troubles,

it would be a series of uplifting shows!

 

Behind the lack of confidence,

is a man with quite a big dream,

famous for helping other people,

how ridiculous does that seem?

 

But that is how I see myself,

someone to help the masses.

Putting myself in the public eye,

so we can kick some collective asses!

 

A man who is open and honest,

sharing his experiences with nowhere to hide.

Fuck this negative crap,

I should be full of pride!

 

I have a great sense of humour,

I think I am rather witty.

No more being hard on myself,

and making myself feel shitty!

 

I’m gonna focus on the good things,

The qualities that you seem to like,

from this moment on,

Negativity can take a hike!!!

 

 

Thanks to Barry for encouraging me to try this!

What I See

It’s a rough period currently, I cannot seem to shake the self loathing feelings I am experiencing and at the moment there seems to be no light at the end of this tunnel…apologies for another awful poem but God loves a trier!

Losing my hair and going grey,

getting fatter by the day!

fatty, ugly and four eyes

the names i call myself bring tears to my eyes!

 

overweight, lazy a waste of a life

a terrible husband to my long suffering wife!

I should be alone not bringing down folks,

I should be the butt of peoples jokes.

 

You see me as witty, charming perhaps,

I see a fat mess who can’t run 2 laps!

The horrible smile, the nasty stained teeth,

A former man now lacking belief.

 

How do I return to the Moose of old?

Not giving a damn, strong and bold.

Even just for a day, to feel happy again,

24 hours release from this self inflicted pain!

 

Buried away he must still be there,

spending hours in the mirror, putting gel in his hair.

A twinkling of the eyes, a devilish grin

The first on the dance floor so the party could begin.

 

If you see the old Garry,

send him my way.

I know y’all would love him,

he’s better than the “new” me I can say

 

Remind him of the times when we had fun,

Sipping jack and coke relaxing in the sun

Surrounded by friends, laughing and joking.

Not this mess of a man currently choking!

 

If only I could see,

what you other people see.

Then I would strive to be,

A better version of me!

 

 

Lack of Confidence

New Vlog for you all to enjoy (or not as the case may be!)

please leave some feedback on this and my other vlogs so i know if they are worth doing or not. Feeback is important to me!

and now for some uplifting, hopefully inspiring music!

a reminder as well that the ele website from Mind is available here