Wanting What We Cant Have

This is an area I seem to specialise in these days, wanting something or, more appropriately someone I can’t have. Problem is the more I am told I can’t have it the more I want it, the more I want it the less likely it is to happen but Moose does like a chase…..

I am in a good place in terms of my marriage tonight, i have finally been able to see things in a new light and accept them for what they are, and all it took was a few simple messages that were a month in the making. Now don’t get me wrong I am very hurt and upset by what has happened BUT more importantly I am not taking the blame anymore.

For the past 2 and 1/2 months I have blamed myself for everything that has happened, been far too sympathetic to her needs and not concentrated on how I actually feel about it all, or more appropriately allowed the grieving process to do its thing.  Lots of people have told me that is where I am going wrong, I am not grieving for the death of my marriage. To be honest I have done enough grieving the past few years to last me a life time! So that is where I am at currently and looking to move on….

Except I fucked that up as well……. But as I am trying to convince myself – Things happen for a reason…

So i have lost Mrs Moose, Miss Naughty and Miss Never Gonna Happen…. and all I wanted was a little bit of effort in return for the hard work I put in..

Miss Never Gonna Happen is a hard pill to swallow but I needed to do what I did for my own sanity, as well as to protect her from a rampaging moose, I doubt she will see it that way though and for that I am sorry.

To cheer myself up and get out of this mini dip I went and got some pain of the nice variety and rewarded my recent good run of form with a new tattoo on my left arm.

Finally I have the “Abide With Me” tattoo I have wanted for many years, the last line to be exact “in life, in death, O Lord, Abide with me”.

Ink by Duane "illumin-eye" Robinson

Ink by Duane “illumin-eye” Robinson

The hymn is played at family funerals and is scheduled to be played at mine – not for many years yet though I hasten to add!

Duane, the tattooist is based in Mile End, 5 minutes away from the underground station and not only is he a great artist but also a top man as well! If you’re in the London area go and see him!! His Facebook page can be found here tell him Moose sent you!

So besides screwing up a good friendship because I wanted more,  finally realising my wife is never coming home and turning into a nervous shitting wreck because of seetec today a few hours of pain has turned a bad day into a good day!

Remember….

Remember when I had lots to say and was inspired to write daily?

Remember when I was an avid reader and commented regularly on blogs?

Remember when all I could talk about was how shit things were and how down I was feeling?

Remember when I was happily married and had my kids around me?

Well things change and so do people….

I have changed, back into the man I used to be, the fun loving guy who wants to be out flirting, chatting and drinking, socialising with friends and/or making new friends.

I can look back at the past few months and feel amazed that I have made it though, despite the odd blip.

Yes I still get spells of feeling down, I’m in recovery from depression and it is something that will always try and come back if I allow it to, but I have some very very good friends and a great support network of people who just wont allow me to wallow.

I am focusing on the people in my life as they are now, not on how I remember them because changes are happening to them that I do not like, in some cases. This works is my favour as it is now easier to let them sail off into the sunset.

I’m moving on, letting go and using my energy on people who want to be in my life rather than wondering why certain people behave the way they do. I have spent too much of my time bemoaning a lack of friends and support etc because it was not coming from areas where I expected it to. Not anymore my friends.

People change for better or for worse, as for this person the change in me has been a positive one, I cant wait for the next chapter in my story to begin….

to those who have supported me I am sorry I didn’t focus enough on you instead of focusing on others. Believe me when you need me just say the word and I will be there.

For the others…too late moosey is gone…..

I feel good. I feel positive. Forget remembering the past time to focus on the here and now!

The Ring…

Placed on my finger,

with tenderness and love,

In my head I hear a choir singing,

Like the angels up above.

 

 

A symbol of commitment,

For all the world to see,

I belong to you,

How it was always meant to be.

 

 

Worn with pride and happiness,

My own lucky charm,

With the ring on my finger,

I would come to no harm.

 

 

Love, honour and cherish,

In good or in bad health,

The ring once on my finger,

Sits in its box on the shelf.

 

 

My finger naked without it,

My heart broken and torn

The ring now in it’s box

Never again to be worn.

 

 

Time to move on,

Let go of the past,

I thought this was forever

Never dreamed it would not last.

 

 

The word “divorce” scares me,

But do what you need.

Let me go and find someone else

I have to be freed!

 

 

You made your choice,

You decided not to fight,

I can hold my head high

and say I tried with all my might.

 

 

Release me back into the world,

free from this torture and pain

Someone else with want me,

I will find love again!

 

 

The options are clear now,

Come home or stay away.

I’m ready for both choices,

It’s just another day!

 

 

But don’t keep me waiting,

Decide one way or the other.

Mistake number 1 was walking away,

Thinking I’m waiting forever will be another.

 

 

Image credit : Google

Image credit : Google

Holiday and Miss Naughty….

Back home from the beautiful Isle of Wight and I feel relaxed, which is surprising considering how much I was panicking about coming back home to an empty flat again.

The batteries have been nicely recharged and I am ready to move forward into the next big challenge for me, finding a job. I have worked in retail, in sales, as a provident agent (which could be a blog all by itself!) – for those who don’t know what provident are they are a company that offer cash loans at sky-high interest rates which agents then go round to their houses on a weekly basis to collect installments. I was also a teaching assistant but have been out of work for 3 years unless I can claim that I was a self-employed blogger, author and mental health campaigner…

To be perfectly honest I would be willing to be an arse wiper for a sumo wrestler with the shits if it meant I was earning a wage! I just want to get back out there again and earn some money.

Back to the holiday..

The Isle of Wight is a beautiful place with lots of nice beaches and some stunning scenery and I cannot recommend a visit highly enough, shame about the cost of the ferry to get there but it is worth staying a week or so to lose yourself in the calmness and beauty of the place.

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Taken on Brading Downs

The Needles at Alum Bay

The Needles at Alum Bay

coloured sand at Alum bay

coloured sand at Alum Bay

coloured sand at Alum Bay

I am very happy to have spent some quality time with my twin brother David and his wife Debbie and can’t wait for next years visit – although I haven’t told them that yet..

The island is bloody expensive though as it is geared towards tourism but the best £4 spent was on this… especially when I saw the look of horror on Brandon, David, Debbie and Jacob’s faces as I disappeared for a while and came back looking like this..

money well spent! yes I'm a big kid at heart..

money well spent! yes I’m a big kid at heart..

although to be fair I did feel slightly sorry for all the little kids queuing up waiting for their face to be painted while a 34-year-old man sat in the chair….

I am now ready for the next chapter of my life to begin and hopefully I find work sooner rather than later, I am getting the bug to travel now having had my first holiday since 2006 and there are plans in the pipeline to go further afield….

Moving forward is the next step and I intend to go 2 steps at a time to make up for lost time once someone takes a chance on me and gives me a job!

Meanwhile I have been having a wonderful time getting to know Miss Naughty who has kept me thoroughly entertained over the past week since she contacted me via this blog, it is nice to feel attractive again and lots of fun learning about someone new who wants to spend time communicating with me. Thank you “Bridget”  for making me laugh and smile a lot , and taking my mind off other stuff that had been threatening to bring me down again!

The future is starting to look brighter again once I can fully learn to stop looking behind me on what has been, focusing on what I can do and what changes I can make is the goal from here on in…

Buckle up for the ride folks it may well get bumpy but with some amazing people behind me ready to pick me up if I fall how the hell can I not succeed?

Thank you again David and Debbie for having Brandon and I for the week, I appreciate it a lot, its great to have a close relationship with you both again – another positive to take from recent events!

Nowhere To Hide

The whole point of this holiday was to escape from the issues back home, to try to clear my head and focus on moving forwards without you. Accepting that you don’t want me was the idea..to spend quality time with Brandon and David and his family.

Except I haven’t been allowed to switch off

So why ring me on 3 of the first 4 days?  In total I have had 4 phone calls in the time I have spent here, sure I get that Lilybet has missed her dad but then when she misses me and I’m back home I don’t get called this often to speak to her!

Are you ringing me because you miss me? if so for the love of God just say that and yet when I attempt to strike up a conversation with you via text you just ignore me after 2 messages, so it has to be when you want to talk to me and not the other way round?

I just don’t have you down as someone who plays games, the Sheryl I used to know wasn’t like this but maybe this is the new you?

You’re either reaching out to me in your own way or just simply trying to head fuck me, I would like to think it’s the former not the latter but to be perfectly honest I really do not know anymore but what I do know is that I deserve better than to be played like this when you know how vulnerable I am when it comes to you and Lilybet.

Even not answering your phone calls isn’t an option for me because I don’t want to upset Lilybet by not answering in case it is her calling.

So let me make this perfectly clear for the final time

Do I miss you and want you home? yes I really do

Am I sitting around waiting forever? not a chance, I am trying to move on with my life and get my head straight

You ended the marriage (via text!) not me, you told me you don’t love me anymore, you walked away, you took off your wedding rings after two days.

If you want me then YOU have to put the effort in to show me with actions not words, and if you don’t want that (as you have already said) then stop fucking with my head and my heart because it is simply not fair.

 

Moosey on Holiday

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Moose and his twin brother

It feels so good being away from reality and my crappy life inside the four walls of misery, or home as it’s more commonly known. Being surrounded by family is awesome, having people to talk to or simply just laugh at is good for the soul and reminds me how much of a people person I am!

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is it a bird? a plane? no it’s supermoose

It’s also a good reminder to me of how far I have come over the past few months, going from being a recluse to surrounding myself with great company as well as bonding with my brother and his wife, both have been a tower of strength for me recently and I’m so pleased I have come down.

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Debbie my sister-in-law

Although I feel bad that this is the first time I have been to visit them for 12 years!! still good things come to those who wait :D

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treating myself to a new top and feeling guilty in the process!

Hell I even treated myself to some new clothes yesterday, once I got over the guilty feeling of spending money on me for a change! oh and did I mention how good I am looking lately?

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not many people can carry off a hat like this – myself included :-)

The hat above was from the poundstore but you will be pleased to know I didn’t buy it – I just walked around the store wearing it :D

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Sandown Beach

Beautiful beach – the isle of wight has some amazing views, the landscape is amazing! Hopefully I will remember to take my camera out with me and get some photos at some point.

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had to be done…

no British holiday is complete without these sort of photos taken on the pier

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my figure before all the weight loss

told you i lost lots of weight, now im on the beach in a thong (photos available on request LOL)

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on the ferry

So here I am having a great time, relaxing (as much as my brain lets me) and trying to focus on clearing my head of the stresses of life – to a point its working because when you have people around you who love you it makes things that much easier!

(Un)Happy Anniversary

I have tried so hard not to write something like this but I need to get it out.. and its one of the hardest things I have written..

 

5 years ago tomorrow I was blessed to be waiting in the registry office for my best friend to become my wife, the happiest and most nerve-wracking day of my life and life was perfect. Seeing her walking towards me nervously biting her lip, laughing as we stuttered through the vows completely lost in each others eyes..

8 years ago today you came round to my flat and I nervously asked you to be my girlfriend

Yet tomorrow I am escaping for a week because I can’t bare the thought of sitting in the flat on my own on what should be a day of celebration. I wanted us to go to Don Pietro’s and have a nice meal together celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, go out for a few drinks afterwards get drunk together and enjoy ourselves.

People tell me to let go, to move on as it’s over BUT I just can’t do that as easily as people think. When you love someone with every part of your being how can you just accept she doesn’t want you anymore. The days of me flicking my feelings off and on are long in the past because the feelings are too strong, the love too real.

Yet I can completely understand your position currently, why you are doing what you are doing. It’s been hard for the past few years, too fucking hard! You need the time to find yourself again and enjoy the things you missed out on having kids so young and being in relationships.

Believe me I understand, but I wish it wasn’t me left behind in an empty flat with only memories of all the good times and tears streaming down my face at night.

I can’t help being soft it’s not something I am gonna change, I am who I am and I have to learn to accept that you don’t want me, love me and need me but it’s difficult for me to do that because I know how much i want you back in my life.

It’s not about me putting any pressure onto you, you have to do what’s right for you and I do get that – doesn’t mean I like it though because the fact is that the stronger I get the more I want my family back home with me. I know this could take time, that one day things may change but I can’t live on hope, I build things up in my head when I have hope. Hope, by the way, that only I have given myself because that is how my brain works.

The door is always open but I know deep down that you will never walk through it and it’s something that I need help with to accept and deal with. You see I am objective enough to see it from your point of view….

Please don’t tell me to move on like it’s as simple as one foot in front of the other, trust me I have tried and it’s like someone has tied my laces together and I fall flat on my face. Crazy really that in the grand scheme of things 2 months is not that long, especially in your shoes, but for me its been hell – yet I am still fighting and recovering which shows me how strong I actually am to not let this sink me.

The fact remains though that I love you more each day despite you not being here, and that’s because I am so much better these days that I can see you and us for what it once was – a perfect match of love – and it saddens me that it’s gone from your point of view.

So my beautiful wife I wish you a happy anniversary and I hope you have a lovely day doing whatever it is you end up doing. What a shame it’s an anniversary spent alone for me, have a few drinks for me if you head out with the girls..

Meanwhile I will keep working on doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do and let you go because that is what you want me to do…

I try not to live my life with regrets but this is something that will always make me look back on with them, and sadness that I couldn’t grow old with you by my side.

 

 

lovesomebody

Guest Post – Cagsy

Since my teen years, (now reaching nearer the half century mark), I have struggled with life.  Never being able to find the balance.

Always been up and down like a yo-yo, but have found over the years, that I have more downs and feeling unhappy most of the time.
I don;t take anti-depressants, as they really disagree with me.
Recently I had BeMe contact me for an assessment to offer me therapy, as I have been through so much in life, and
still have family issues today, which I find hard at times, especially when lots of things happen in a short space of time.
Those are the times I can’t cope with.  Going back to therapy. They rang me, and I talked to them for around 45 mins, only to
be told I was too depressed for therapy!
Shortly after my appointment with my psychiatrist came through, I spent 2 and a half hours talking to her about my troubled past
with my Dad who is a recluse now, (he is 83), he doesn’t see anyone including me – i keep trying thou.  My abusive marriage, which
has left me with PTSD, my son whom has tried to kill himself and ended up in a unit for one week, I had to voluntarily section him.
And for the last couple of years, struggling with my girl, who is 13, with raging hormones and ADHD and other complexed needs.
Plus my childhood and the abuse I suffered.  So, over the years, no one to really talk too about this, it all came flooding out. Relief – yes.
But also couldn’t see a way out, at which this point the psychiatrist thought about sectioning me as she thought I could have been a danger
to myself.
After convincing her I wouldn’t do anything silly, she decided to let me go. I cried all the way home, but tears of relief as she listened to me.
Really listened to all my heartache and pain. To which I truthfully realized, talking is good. It’s just you have to be careful, who with.
At the moment I am finding life hard again, I don’t have a social life, because I have to be here for my daughter for her extreme random behaviour.
Which is challenging at times. But she is important and my top priority.  I don’t have any support for myself, or for her. I do still suffer from
depression, but not as much as I used too. If I feel under the weather, or I get really low, I normally go to bed, or use distraction, as in the form
of my kindle, where I can lose myself playing games on it and forget about the world as a whole. My friends are all busy with their lives,
and I can’t really go out anywhere at the moment, Sometimes I think my life is doomed, but then we have to make the most of it.
As I say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just often we don’t see it.

 

Read Cagsy’s blog here

you can also follow her on twitter