Successful Operation

You will be pleased to hear that the operation undertaken over the weekend was a complete success with no complications…

ladies and gentlemen I am very pleased to announce that I have been given the all clear

My head has been completely removed from my arse!

Normal service is now being resumed and I am back to feeling strong again, strong enough to remember why I started this blog in the first place – to help other people.

Lots of people I know are struggling at the moment as the winter draws in and the nights come earlier.

Please never feel like you are alone, I am easily contactable and always willing to lend an ear to people.

I am very lucky in the sense that i do not get triggered by other people and I am happy to listen to anyone in need, I may actually be of help as I have been known to offer some good advice from time to time.

Come and find me on my facebook page here and feel free to message me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

Yes I am aware that I have some issues of my own to be resolved but that is being dealt with in a crash course of “no longer give a fuck” so please do not think I am not able to be there for you. Distract me all you want as long as you need someone I am available.

If you do not have facebook then feel free to email me using the form below and we can go from there.

 

Image Credit: Google

 

 

The Storm Is Over

The storm is lifting, the sun is breaking through the clouds again after a rough period

and more importantly the meds seem to be working again :D

And then I heard this song today… And who doesn’t appreciate a good ole session of sing-a-long-with-moose

Ps Ant you have been immense the past few nights, considering how shit you have been feeling yourself I really appreciate it

 

 

 

I was in a tunnel

And couldn’t see the light
And whenever I’d look up
I couldn’t see the sky
Sometimes when I’m standin’
It seems like I done walked for miles
And my heart could be cryin’
Dead in the middle of a smile

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help ’cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
Heard a small voice sayin’

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Now in the midst of my battle
All hope was gone
Downtown in a rushed crowd
And felt all alone
Every now and then
I felt like I would lose my mind
I’ve been racin’ for years
And still no finish line, oh

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help ’cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
And then a small voice sayin’

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Somehow my beginnin’ stepped right in
Then faith became my friend
And now I can depend
On the voices of the wind
When it’s sayin’

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won’t you come and set me free?
Won’t you set me free?

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won’t you come and set me free?

Won’t you come and set me free
Just like, if that guy can see the light, shinin’
Somewhere beyond the clouds
If that guy can see the light, shinin’
Take it down, down
If that guy can see the light, shinin’
The day is going, world is runnin’
The clouds moving, the sun shinin’
I made it home, I made it home
Prayin’ for a pot of gold

The storm is over now
I’am telling you I could see the light
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven over me
Heaven is over me
Come and set me free
Come and set me free
Won’t you come and set me free?

Read more: R. Kelly – The Storm Is Over Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Taking A Break

After much soul searching and not much sleep over the past few days I have decided that I will be taking a break from blogging for a little while.

There is too much going on in my life presently to focus on writing and I worry that by being too open about certain issues it is actually hindering them and impairing my judgement.

I have behaved like a bit of a shit recently and upset/hurt and pushed away some good friends so I am going to concentrate my efforts on heading back along the right path again and hopefully return in the near future in a better frame of mind, and with some good news and interesting stories of what I have been up to!

There is already an exciting development in the pipeline that I can’t reveal yet but watch this space for something good which happens in the next few weeks..

For now consider me…

 

As always I am looking for some guest posts to keep the blog ticking over. If you have anything depression related and would like to share it with my readers please drop me an email and I will happily post if for you

Influenced by Spirits

Normally when I talk about being influenced by spirits it usually refers to my old friend Jack Daniels (by the way I am happy to receive free bottles of the stuff from you lovely people in Tennessee for mentioning your product!) and ends up with me doing things like this…

2013-08-26 01.20.08

Good ole Jack Daniels strikes again…

However this time I am referring to my guardian angels, my deceased Uncles Ron and Eric and the wonderful Teresa who I believe have watching over me since they passed on. Usually I see signs from them that guide me on to a certain path or warn me about things that may be about to happen.

Now obviously this is a subject that will create debate as not everyone believes in things like this, but it is something that I have a strong belief in and have had plenty of examples of my angels visiting me in the past. Usually it could be something simple like just reassuring me that they all still around watching me, for example:

My readers from the UK will remember Sid James from the carry on films who had a distinct laugh.  My Uncle Ron’s laugh was very similar and he always reminded me of Sid James. One day I was in the bathroom with Sheryl when the toilet roll unraveled completely, while this was happening I could hear Ron laughing…

Another example comes from an Angel reading I had done for me by a friend on Facebook, Emma did not know anything about my past and very little about me. She emailed me the reading and one of the angels who had come to her during the reading was called Teresa!

Two weeks ago I had a visit from all 3 of them at the same time, which is unusual because normally it is just one who comes.  The message from all 3 was to watch out for signs that things were about to happen, pretty vague I know but a few days later I went to the Dr and back onto the medication. The visit from all 3 made me take a good look at everything going on in my life which was why I realised that I still needed help.

What has happened in the past week is that other people seem to be getting messages that are meant for me.

Teresa’s daughter Juliana passed one on to me, and Cindy also saw something that I believe was meant for me. Both of these women are very close friends of mine and I firmly believe Teresa was behind the signs.

I can’t say what they are as there are very personal to my life right now but there are very important signs to me and have been a big factor in my recent mindset.

And then last night…I was drawn to an object that was in the wrong place, kept hearing the object being mentioned in my head and so it has been returned to its rightful place.

I feel like i have found my focus regarding certain things now, that I have been juggling too much recently that has had a detrimental affect to my mental health.

I KNOW what it is I want now and while I don’t know how to get it, or if it is even obtainable it has at least brought some welcome respite to the fog that had threatened to swamp me.

So have you any angels? do you believe in spirits and messages from the other side?

Or do you simply think that Moose has lost the plot?

 

It Might Be Wrong But Its Right For Me

I have spent so much time focusing on the future and what it may bring, as well as dwelling on the past that I have forgotten about the most important aspect – the here and now.

Running at 200 mph into a future because I’m scared of what the present holds has only succeeded in making me feel worse because I’m constantly second guessing what may or may not happen.

So over the past few days I have been trying to focus on standing still rather than walking and/or running. Trying to process the present and what can be done to improve it.  To be perfectly honest thus far I have come up with zilch!

Lets be brutally honest at the moment I am on that slippery downwards spiral but hopefully the returning medication will start taking full effect again and I can begin to refocus on my own mental well being – rather than trying to help other people with their own issues. People who then drop me like a stone when I need them the most..

Distracting myself from me only helps numb the pain temporarily and as people are increasing dropping out of my life at the moment (unless they need me to help them) it really is time I became more selfish.

Time has come for me to do absolutely nothing  and wait for things to come to me rather than trying to force the issues.

I have zero expectations of anything good happening right now, nor do I have any inclination to enforce any change.  From now on I’m just going to sit still and watch the world go by.

But a word of caution…. please do not ask me how I am doing, or if I’m okay.

No Comment is the answer to either question because I don’t want to talk about things, I just want to let things happen naturally – right or wrong I no longer care.

So call me selfish, call me a miserable bastard or call me whatever you want because from now on I’m focusing only on what I think is right for me.  Whether you agree or not I have been too reliant on other people and I need to remember that the only person who can help me is me.

 

talk

 

I can wait forever for things, especially when they are right for me…..

I am trying to force things to happen too often and to the detriment of my mental health. Now I sit and wait confident that my luck will change once I stop expecting it too.

Waiting is a stubborn mans game – and I can be pretty damn stubborn when needed…Giving-Up-4

and as we all know – giving up is not an option….

No Apologies…

I wont apologise for who I am, and the way sometimes I act.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and say things that I know you don’t want to hear, but it’s how I am. If I feel it I say it whether it needs to be said or not.

I told you how I feel and you chose to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t said – and that is fine, it doesn’t mean I will switch it off or keep holding on to any hope that you will one day change your mind and see me for who I am, what I could be, and how good things could be between us.

Yet I am still chasing hard, doggedly persistent because I know what i feel is true – as crazy that may be to you.

Yes I’m brash, annoying, needy, overwhelming at times and all manner of things but that is who I am and the good far outweighs the bad.

I can see you for who you are, beyond the exterior and into the person inside, and I like it!

There is something about you that I just cant walk away from, no matter how hard I have tried.

No matter how much I push you away you are still there…

So take me as I am, fault and all because the reward is you being treated like a queen. Fine I cannot offer you materialistic things, I have no money and no job, but what I can offer is arms to hold you, shoulders for you to cry on, hands to wipe away your tears, and a heart that’s longing for you.

Friendship, respect and love cost nothing but mean so much more than anything money can buy.

So yes, I may drive you mad but think about why…

Why don’t I just walk away when you so clearly state you don’t want what I can offer?

Because I can’t that’s why!

I wont apologise whatsoever for being me and I never will.

Take me as I am, the whole package, the good the bad and the ugly… It will be the best decision you ever make…

If you know anything about me it is that I never give up…

And one day you WILL see the potential in me..

 

sdrawkcaB gnioG

My recovery has gone backwards over the last 10 days or so to the point where I could actually spot all the warning signs and have moved quickly to work towards stopping the slide.

Friday I went back to the Dr and spoke to my new GP for the first time. I didn’t want to give her too much information as she is new to me and doesn’t know my background – losing Dr Dhanji is a huge blow for me because he could tell within seconds how I was actually doing before I even told him.

I had been two weeks medication free and thought I was doing well, I WAS doing well if I am honest, BUT I could see little things happening again that were giving me reason to be concerned that the spiral was starting again.

It started with an innocent question from someone “how are you REALLY doing?” and 10 minutes later I was still opening up to her, someone who doesn’t really know me outside of her professional capacity yet I opened up the dam and couldn’t plug it. She asked if I was okay because suddenly I was shaking and emotional, almost like a panic attack…

Mentally I had been feeling much better and improved, but emotionally everything that has gone on over the past 3 months have taken a toll on me and obviously in hindsight coming off the meds was not the best idea at this time – please no told you so’s!

Losing Mrs Moose has been like a death to me, trying to accept her decision and move on, let her go, has sent me back into a state of grieving that I did not fully prepare myself for. Let alone not seeing Elizabeth everyday, when I do see her it breaks my heart because I have to let her go again. We play a game where I light a candle for her and she has to blow it out and make a wish, every time she does this her wish is the same “I wish mummy would talk to daddy and come home!” – hearing that coming out of her mouth hurts plan and simple!

I’m losing friends at the moment as well, some because I have pushed them away, others because they have backed away and it all adds up to more rejection, which then feds the self esteem demon that plagued me for years.

My sleeping is causing a problem as insomnia has returned which in turn means I am sleeping during the day again – something that I worked bloody hard to eradicate as I know this was an issue for Sheryl in the past.

IBS has also returned which shows that i am stressed, I had managed to control this for a month or so and could actually go out in the mornings without fear of accidents – that is not the case anymore.

So welcome back sleep issues, IBS, stress and anxiety…. bad enough I have had to cancel my gym membership as money is so tight again, so add hermit back to the list……

BUT SOME GOOD NEWS….

I caught it all happening BEFORE it escalated and prevention is much easier than the cure. The fact that I have asked to, and been put back on anti-depressants does not make me a failure. It means I was aware of my symptoms to the point that I could ask for help before I ended up back in the clutches of depression and can start again with my recovery.

As I have said before, asking for help shows strength not weakness and at the moment I am happy to admit I need more help than I thought, and now I have it!

The thing with recovery is that you need to be able to go at a reasonable pace and unfortunately for me I went straight into the fast lane before I was fully ready.

I need to make changes, want to make changes but I need to make sure that I can walk properly before sprinting off into the distance and that is a lesson I have learned the hard way…

So back to the start of my recovery with more experience and a better idea of what to expect. The important thing is to be proud that I spotted the signs before they got too bad.

 

Ipod Dangers….

When you are have a good day like I have had today, you can happily sit on the bus and lose yourself in the music playing on your Ipod. Singing away oblivious to the people on the bus, day dreaming out the window not noticing that someone has sat next you…

And when that happens life is very good indeed… unless the song you are singing at the top of your voice happens to be….

 

and the person sitting you to is a pensioner!

Still on the plus side I will be getting a call from her later……