Ending The Chapter…

This will be the last word on this subject until I have something to report in terms of an outcome. It has been  suggested that keeping something inside is preventing me from starting the new chapter in my life and I wholeheartedly agree.

There are things I have wanted to say but held back, things I needed to confess to help explain but more importantly I need to use my writing as a way of closing the chapter to enable me to find the strength to move on.

Let me make this clear before we begin, I love Sheryl still and would love to have her come back. This has to be something she wants though because I am done with fighting a battle that is not winnable currently.

However the five months since Sheryl left have been hell for me, as the time has gone by and I found myself getting better I made me want her here so that we could go out and enjoy each others company, have a drink and a laugh being Garry and Sheryl and not Mum and Dad. Then when the darkness came back it made me realise that I needed Sheryl to help me climb out of it.

There is difference between wanting and needing someone, and at my worse I NEEDED her to look after me, mother me in many ways. This is not good for a relationship but it was the illness not Garry. I have loved Sheryl since the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one for me. I wanted her, wanted to be with her and wanted to make her happy but the neediness depression cursed me with destroyed that.

I was guilty of treating her terribly, neglecting her needs and making her feel inadequate. I have to live with that fact. I could not provide for her emotionally, expecting to take not give. I spent too much time doing things on my own and not as a team, not involving her.

I was ill, although this may not be an excuse in some peoples eyes, believe me the depression has changed me in so many ways.

I stopped being the man she married.

I have held on to ALL the blame for it going wrong.

I completely understand why she left, although I do not know the reasons fully.

However

There are two sides to every story and it takes two to work on or break a marriage.

When you are rejected nightly for years and not allowed in the marital bed it will give any man self esteem issues, it ate away at me and is a big reason behind me being the way I am now, in terms of confidence.

When you are constantly checked up on, to see if you are doing things you shouldn’t be, it causes resentment.

When you have to question if you are loved, something is not right.

I can walk away knowing I tried, boy did I try, to reconcile. I never wanted to lose Sheryl but in her own words “don’t bother fighting – It’s over. This was said 3 days after she walked out.

Now as my friends will know, I do not believe you can stop loving someone overnight, sure you can fall in and out of love with someone – that is why it is important to keep working at relationships – but to suddenly feel nothing? sorry call me a fool but I don’t believe it. Be that as it may I have to accept it and can’t keep sitting around waiting for reality to catch up with her. I have to let it go for my sake.

The last time we were physically together was in August and she couldn’t say it was over to my face. The proof has to be in her actions as she wont look me in the eye and say words.

When I took my overdose I text her to tell her what I had done, no I dont know why but when you reach that point you do not think clearly, she did not once try to contact me to find out if I was out of hospital let alone still alive.

That is not the action of someone who loves you.

I have held myself back for too long now hoping for a miracle and now the time has come for me to stop kidding myself.

This is the end of that chapter we shall refer to as “The Breakup” let me now start working on the next phase because I have some plans and changes in mind that will, eventually, see me improved in many areas.

If It Is Bad For Me…

You can bet your bottom dollar that I will either be doing it, have done or in the process of considering doing it.

Even though I know it is bad for both me and my mental health.

Let me give you some examples:

Obviously lets start with the hardest one.

Sheryl wants nothing to do with me, hardly replies to any effort to communicate with me.

So what do I do? I send her a message now and again, then stress that she has ignored me again. What am I expecting from this? Well we all know what I am expecting, it’s called the impossible. BAD!

I want her to divorce me, not because I want a divorce but because I don’t feel like I can truly move on until it happens. If she doesn’t want me why not just file and get it done? Almost six months is plenty of time to miss someone enough to want to try again, as that has not happened then cut ties for both our sakes..

Speaking of moving on…

what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for online dating? Low esteem is always helped when you are constantly being ignored by strangers who think they are better than you, above you etc. I am pretty sure it is in the “how to help your confidence” book that online dating is the way forward… excuse me while my sarcasm detector explodes! BAD!

Now we all know that I am not coping very well with the whole marriage breaking up issue, I am pretty sure I do not hide it from you as well as I think :D but besides Miss Never Gonna Happen deciding that actually it might happen (this is not going to happen for the record) there is nothing to be gained from constantly putting myself out there to be shot down, but I still do. Yet to me that does show a little belief that I do have something to offer someone…

Money – lets cut to the chases, I have none yet when I do have it I spend it like water. The bills and food ALWAYS come first, but I would like to be able to manage it better and not have the stress involved with Christmas around the corner.

I have taken some steps to rectify the financial crisis I am dealing with, but will take a few weeks/months to bare fruit but if it means I can move forward and have a spare few quid in the bank from time to time then hopefully a little short terms pain will be worth it. However kids if you’re reading Christmas is cancelled this year :D

I am very conscious of how much stress I am under lately and how much of it is actually all coming from within. I am trying to focus on dealing with it in a measure manner rather than guns blazing, which usually gets me nowhere!

Worse of all though is how little care and attention I pay myself, yet can spend hours trying to help others. This has resulted in the beautiful mess that Garry currently portrays. I MUST learn to use the advice I give others for myself, to value myself more and the past few days I have been working on it, even reading self help books that a wonderful person sent my way.

Changes are in the pipeline for 2014, this year has been the worst of my life and the sooner 2013 fucks off the better. All being well I will be starting a course in February on Mental Health Awareness Level 1. Will provide more details if I pass the interview needed to get on the course.

I really have big ideas for next year that I will be investigating between now and the new year. They are ridiculously beyond me and are only a dream but we have to aim high dont we?

So my pledge to you for the rest of 2013 is to stop doing the things I know are bad for me, to work on Garry and to look after myself better.

Then when 2014 joins us I will be in a much better position to help other people, which is what I really want to do.

Breakeven (Falling to pieces) – The Script

One song more than any other perfectly sums up how I feel lately..

 

“Breakeven”

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
(Oh I’m falling, falling)
I’m falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

What You Did..

You gave up on me

You walked away

You broke our wedding vows

The day you decided not to stay.

 

You tore my heart out of my chest

it took me by surprise,

you never even looked to see

the tears streaming from my eyes.

 

You turned your back on me,

when I needed you so bad,

I tried so hard to make you happy,

I never meant to make you sad.

 

You took my soul in the black bags,

when you left me that fateful day,

You made me a shell of a man,

The broken mess I am today.

 

You ignore me, You avoid me,

and act like I dont exist,

You treat our love like it never was

You forgot about the bliss.

 

You hate me, You just don’t care,

about the pain I am going through,

You moved on so damn quickly,

You have no idea how much I still love you.

 

You deserve so much more,

than to be with a man so weak,

You forgot your love was what kept me going,

surviving each day or week.

 

You will never find another man,

to love you like I do,

You don’t think of me yet,

I cant stop loving you.

 

You left me broken, scared and alone,

I only ever wanted you,

You have taken my confidence and my heart,

I will never find another you.

 

You were made for me,

I loved you with all my heart.

but you didn’t want to fight for us

You ripped it all apart.

 

You deserve so much more,

than this pathetic fool,

Find someone else if that is what you need,

But I will never get over YOU.

 

 

Drained and Run Down

I am completely worn out. I have very little energy to do anything besides wake up and head back to bed a few hours later.

Stress has just got me so run down to the point that I now appear to be coming down with a cold, which means even less energy than normal. It also means more time “thinking” which is never good for me.

There are things I want to get off my chest and talk about but they are so ridiculous I am embarrassed to talk about them.I have done some very silly things the last few days/week.

Most of the things causing me stress are the usual unanswerable questions and things beyond my control that I like to spend hours worrying about.

On top of this we can now add a new problem to my ever growing list, the stress I have put myself under has resulted in me grinding my teeth again when I sleep. I had this problem about 10 years ago, and it is back.

This means that not only am I sinking lower and lower, my bowels are in overdrive, over thinking everything, tennis elbow that has been killing me for 5 months I now have constant toothache and my face has broken out with a lovely rash so the red blotches are really good for my looks!

I am not looking after myself very well and honestly need looking after.

Is it any wonder that she left me when I am such a fucking mess, why friends avoid me etc

I am well and truly fucked right now

Introducing Jonathan Rottenberg

As I have a lot of readers from the United States I jumped at the chance to allow Jonathan to write a guest post. He is the man behind a wonderful campaign that I hope I can help him build up. Please read his post below and share with the world!!

 

A New Campaign to Raise Depression Awareness and Crush Depression Stigma: Come Out of The Dark

Our national conversation about depression for the last twenty years has been on hold, largely reduced to a narrow dialogue about the promise and peril of antidepressants: “To Prozac, or not to Prozac?”  Peter Kramer’s Listening to Prozac raised expectations that antidepressants would soon make depression obsolete. As this proved not to be the case, there was the predictable backlash. In Robert Whitaker’s Anatomy of an Epidemic, antidepressants (and other psychotropic medications) are not only ineffective, but the villain, responsible for worsening the epidemic of mental illness. The next movement will be a backlash to the backlash. If we do nothing different, we can conclude with supreme confidence that all the heated talk about drugs will continue to monopolize the stage and preclude a real conversation about mood and mood disorders.

The continued ascendance of the conventional disease model of depression is part of the problem. The conventional approach tends to view the legions of the depressed and the formerly depressed as a “broken” people, an ever-afflicted group that will likely need repeated assistance over the life course because of their theorized defects. The biological defect model may have been created with good intentions, but it is both belittling and inaccurate. Depression like any mood state has a biology but it is simply not a disease in the same sense that Parkinson’s Disease is.  To try to maintain that depression is a brain disease is to cut off a more interesting conversation at the knees.

I am a depression researcher and former depression sufferer who has looked at the poor state of the national dialogue and has been moved to try and change it. I am using social media, particularly Facebook,  and Twitter to start a movement of people committed to changing the conversation about depression. We desperately need this not only for adults. We also desperately need it for my daughter, Sophie, and for the rest of her generation, the teens who will soon be young adults. Our youth will face depression in high schools and on college campuses in epidemic proportions that will overwhelm them, their parents, and all counseling resources.

One major obstacle to a more affirmative national conversation is that depression has lacked a unifying public symbol that could bring it out of the dark like Livestrong© bracelets did for cancer or the rainbow flag did for LGBT. When most people think of depression, their first associations are to unfortunate images, such as a dark cloud, the color black, or a noose. One reason that depression stigma lives is that depression has a serious bumper sticker problem.

But this is essentially an issue of failed marketing and messaging. It is very hard to talk about depression when it is always on societies’ terms. Depressed and formerly depressed people are ever on the defensive. To change the terms of the debate, and spark more productive conversation.  I have developed a unifying symbol to function in a depression anti-stigma campaign. These are glow-in-the-dark wristbands that are printed with the phrase COME OUT OF THE DARK.

Come Out of the dark wristbands

This summer, I was using my Facebook page to probe for interest in these wristbands and I made an offer that I would give away a glow-in-the dark wristband to anyone who would be willing to send me a picture of themselves wearing it. I bought 200 bands from China and planned to give them away from time to time to readers who were interested. Initial response was rather tepid and I started to think it would be complete flop. For reasons that I do still do not completely understand, the wristbands went viral on the internet, and I was flooded with 3,000 requests from all over the world.

I received requests from parents for their depressed children. From people who lost loved ones to suicide. From teachers for their classrooms. From therapists for their patients. From counselors for their support groups. And from many individuals who have been touched personally by depression, both those who have conquered depression and those who were still struggling with.

I think that part of the viral appeal of the wristband campaign is the slogan, which has several possible meanings

•   Let’s end society’s ignorance about depression.

•    Let’s support depressed people so they get well and stay well.

•     Let’s create an environment where people can speak freely about depression and no one feels compelled to conceal their pain.

And part of the appeal is that total strangers are giving you something for free that will make you feel more comfortable living in your own skin.

By the end of the year my goal is to have distributed 5,000 of these wristbands.

People who have received the wristbands are starting to return pictures. If you look at this gallery of the first wave of people who have come out of the dark, I think you can more easily understand why this campaign has taken on a life of its own. It’s both a social media campaign and a word-of-mouth campaign – both of which inevitably will shift the conversation about depression on more favorable terms.

The great response to the Come-Out-of-The-Dark campaign so far tells me that change is in the wind. People are tired of hiding, tired of hedging. They are ready to reclaim their identities as fully human.

The stakes are high. Conservatively, 13 million US adults are currently in an episode of depression; more than twice that number have had depression in the past. When we add in caregivers, millions more are indirectly affected by the quality and the quantity of our national dialogue about depression.

But we have the momentum. With your help, I give the stigma of depression about another six months to live. I welcome help of all kinds. As of this moment, I am still offering the free wristbands. All you need to do to receive one is to be one of the next 1,000 people to sign up to receive my free newsletter (US addresses).

 

Jonathan Rottenberg is a leading researcher in the area of emotion and psychopathology, where he has focused on major depression. He recently edited Emotion and Psychopathology: Bridging Affective and Clinical Science, published by the American Psychological Association. Since receiving his PhD degree from Stanford University, he has been at the University of South Florida, where he is an Associate Professor of Psychology and Director of the Mood and Emotion Laboratory. His work has been generously funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health and he has authored over 35 scientific publications, including many in the top journals in psychology and psychiatry. His work has received national and international media coverage, reported in outlets such as Science News, Scientific American, The New York Times. He is author of the forthcoming book, The Depths: The Evolutionary Origins of the Depression Epidemic.

Blog: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/charting-the-depths
Book: http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0465022219
Author page: https://www.facebook.com/charting.the.depths

I Forgot…Now I Remember

So in between the worst week in memory I suddenly was hit by a thunderbolt.

Oprah Winfrey was on the Jonathan Ross show last night here in the UK and said something that hit me right between the eyes.

She told about how she was sexually abused at 14 and ended up pregnant, she lost that baby and her father told her

“You have been given a second chance, DON’T WASTE IT”

She said it was there and then that she knew that she wanted to help others using her experience.

This was the reason that I started blogging, to help other people by sharing my daily battles.

It took a kind message from someone on Facebook (you can add me here to remind me that people DO care about what I have to say and that it DOES help others.

For those regular and long-term readers you may have noticed every now and again that I have a degree in wallowing and self loathing.  It stems from years of rejection by various people and sometimes the walls we have had built for 20+ years need to be pulled down and rebuilt. Rebuilt with better materials, modernised to allow people in…

The problem I have is that I take every little rejection personal. Someone who I thought was a good friend has just dropped me like a stone which hit me hard, where I go wrong is that I forget that it is the other party that has issues and not me (all the time!)

I like to go that extra mile for people and forget to look after myself properly, although being concerned for other people is a good thing in my eyes. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, and when people do send praise my way to accept it. Dismissing praise is a bad habit and one I need to work on – so keep the praise coming, all in the name of research of course.

The point though is that this blog has had nearly 80,00 views with an average of 100 views a day. This means people look up to me, sometimes this idea blows me away that I have so much interest in little old moosey. I do have a sense of purpose, I WANT to be viewed as someone who people can look at as an example of how depression can ruin your life but still somehow we survive, even if at times the dark can be overwhelming.

I focus on what I want not what I need. What I want is often not obtainable because it is out of my control, what I need is what I allow to come to me. The world has a way of bringing things/people into your life when you least expect it. I am now working on allowing nature to take its course, or God’s plan to show rather than forcing everything.

When people are struggling yet take the time out to message me with ideas, advice, the offer of an ear it shows that I do actually have more than I admit at times. While I expect too much from people I know that this is an unrealistic approach to life, there are lots of people who message me via social media to offer warmth, sincerity or a swift boot up the backside!

I focus on those who DON’T contact me….. from this moment on that will change.

If I am so forgettable to them then surely that means they are forgettable to me right?

I need to fill my days again, the worst thing that happened to me and my recovery was having to quit the gym because it helped me so much, enhanced confidence at the weight loss but more importantly I was leaving the flat and doing things everyday.

The question again today is WHEN will I get better and no longer WHY wont I get better.

And who would’ve thought that Oprah Winfrey would be my inspiration…

One final thing, I want to extend a huge thank you to the person who donated to me today via the paypal option on the home page. It humbled me that you would be so generous and means the world to me!

Its Great Being a Benefit Scrounger

I love knowing that the percentage of the population who have never had to claim benefits think my life is all sunshine and lollipops because I claim benefits.

The rhetoric from the wankers in government is that I live the life of luxury, sauntering my money away on endless holidays, fancy food and squirreling away £50 notes like a politician hides his expense forms.

The truth is much less glamorous and part of the reason for my daily IBS attacks, stress and ultimately depression.

Last week I had to pawn my wedding ring – obviously no big deal right? I mean it is not like I need it (which was one helpful comment passed to me)… The ring that was my last remaining attachment to Sheryl. I now have zero things to do with the wedding and our marriage. It broke my heart and was probably a major factor in my slump over the past few days.

Worse of all was that the money I got for the ring lasted about 15 minutes once I factored in gas and electric, which are paid for on key meters, and a few bits of shopping to last the weekend. Yet it will take me months to save up to buy the ring back. Six months is all I have to get it back, but the way things are right now it doesnt look good.

Today I managed to go shopping with my mum who had some Iceland vouchers that I could use, it was the first time in 6 weeks that I could stock up on food. The last time I went was also paid for by my mum.

No matter how I try I cannot keep up with the household bills, when Sheryl was here her money accounted for around 66.6% of the household income and although I have reduced a lot of the bills my outgoings are still more than my incoming, especially as I am still playing catch up from being sanctioned.

I dare not look at letters from my housing association in case I am behind on rent, I am reckless with money when I do have some, especially when I am manic.

I go out once a month even though I can’t really afford to because I am stuck indoors all the time and need the escape but I always end up spending more than I should.

I make sure the kids get things before me, rightly so as a parent but there are things that I can’t really do without because of health conditions that I just simply cannot afford which is making the existing problems worse. For example many years ago as a kid when playing football I fucked my knees, this means I have to wear decent trainers to protect them. Air max are the only ones that I can wear for long periods of time without being crippled at the end of the day, but the cheapest pair equate to a weeks benefit for me so I am wearing footwear that basically kills me when I wear them.

As the winter kicks in, and naturally the energy company ups the prices, I have seen a 3 fold increase in the amount of gas I use a week, to the point where nearly 40% of my ESA goes in gas and electric. Yet I can only afford to put the heating on for an hour a day if I am lucky, this flat is freezing in the winter so even wearing an extra layer does nothing. Some days your hands are numb from the cold in here.

I am on average two months behind on ALL bills, and while the easy option would be to say “get rid of broadband” imagine how isolated I would be if I didn’t have internet access, all my friends are online and it is not like they come over and see me.

I have sold anything worth selling on Ebay, I have very little of value…

Worse of all is that I cannot give any money to Sheryl for Lilybets upkeep. 

So when you hear the media and the government talking about how much easier life is for the benefit scroungers have a serious think about it, the numbers they give you are there for their own agendas.

As much as I would love to be out working, the sad fact is that currently I am unable to do so because of my health. I can barely do anything right now because of my health…

Trigger Warning…..It (almost) Killed Me…

This has been in my drafts file for a while, not indicative of how I feel or felt at the time.

No suicidal thoughts here before anyone starts to panic, but when the creative juices flow I just let it out.

This is one of many drafts that I will be posting in the coming days.

If anyone has any suicidal thoughts or any issues with suicide I would suggest not reading this

 

 

I left the house with many bad thoughts running through my brain,

My tears falling down my face like the heaviest of rain.

Alone and scared I made my way to the pre-selected place,

The time had come to stop wearing that fake smile upon my face.

 

The light was staring right at me,

I knew the time was right,

Once last look at the world I knew,

On this, my final night.

 

On to the track I hurled myself,

As the train came roaring past,

The pain would soon be over,

the next breath would be my last.

 

I missed the train and landed on the track the other side,

Cursing my luck I sat on the verge and openly I cried.

But there was another way, and other things to try.

I wandered to my next location with a grimace and a sigh.

 

The cars were racing down below me,

I wouldn’t feel a thing,

Released myself from the bridge over them,

and see what the landing would bring.

 

As my luck would have it,

I landed just behind a passing lorry,

It seems I couldn’t time it right,

Another reason to be sorry.

 

Drowning would be the best idea,

because I’m not a swimmer,

I threw myself in to the sea,

Hoping to be the fishes dinner.

 

Alas a passing fisherman saw me in me mid flight,

He dragged me from the water and pulled me up into the light,

He spoke to me with kindly words, tried his best to make me alright.

This was not my real destiny, I had to start to fight.

 

Back home I sat all alone,

The darkness my only friend.

Until I saw all the missed calls, and messages on my phone,

This was not the way for it to end.

 

The more I thought, the more I felt relieve,

that I held on a little longer,

It only goes to show,

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

 

 

 

 

Attack of the ANTs

Only way to describe the past few days would be “a right shitty spell”.

The ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) have been working their hardest to break me and sadly for me I allowed them to get the best of me.

As much as I try to stay positive, every now and again I crash and burn. Usually in to a heap hidden under the duvet.

I don’t like asking for help, not because of the man issue but because the people who I consider close to me usually just fuck off and leave.

Thankfully I am not bitter, yeah right!,  and I have pushed people away recently but that had to be done for my own good.

The problem I have with ANTs is that it prevents me for being a good father, allow me to explain and you can all tell me how ridiculous I am being.

Elizabeth is only 4 years old, I only see her for a few hours a week although that has increased to 2 days a week because I miss her so much.

But

She tells me things that hurt, and I don’t always handle it very well. Here are some examples of things that she has said to me recently…

“Mummy told me she hates you”

“Mummy said she doesn’t love you”

“Mummy doesn’t want to talk to you”

“I wish mummy loved you and came home”

“I don’t love you”

“I dont want to see you”

so imagine how much that bothers me when I am already suffering from low self esteem and struggling to stay afloat at times.

I know it is not necessarily the truth but she must hear some of these things to come out with them, she couldn’t just pluck it out of thin air could she?

The problem is that when I am really down it makes it hard for me to see her because it upsets me, this then makes me feel like a shit dad because I am not spending enough time with her, which then sends me spiraling further. I didn’t see her last night because I felt so low.

Today is the first day since Saturday that I have felt “okay” which is an improvement believe me.

It helped that someone picked up the phone and called me, it really does make a difference to hear a voice as opposed to reading a message, some days I do not want to keep writing the same old shit. At times it feels like Groundhog Day with every day being the same. Whizz took time to call me and listen, it really made a difference and in my mind has helped me to feel better today.

I have said it many times before but I will repeat until people do it…

Pick up the phone and call someone. Talk to them and it will mean so much to that person. It was the first incoming call that was not my mum or Brandon’s mum in over a month!

As for Lilybet and her comments, I know I need to not focus on them and just enjoy our short time together. I cant help being a softie, I am lonely and this only increases my sadness.

But one thing she did say at the weekend which made me laugh

“Daddy you need to go out tonight and get a new girlfriend” so she picked out my outfit for the night…

The night was a disaster but thats another story for another time.

For now if anyone has any ANT killer please send it my way… oh and the ability to not be so damn miserable and alone would not be turned away either…