This will be the last word on this subject until I have something to report in terms of an outcome. It has been suggested that keeping something inside is preventing me from starting the new chapter in my life and I wholeheartedly agree.
There are things I have wanted to say but held back, things I needed to confess to help explain but more importantly I need to use my writing as a way of closing the chapter to enable me to find the strength to move on.
Let me make this clear before we begin, I love Sheryl still and would love to have her come back. This has to be something she wants though because I am done with fighting a battle that is not winnable currently.
However the five months since Sheryl left have been hell for me, as the time has gone by and I found myself getting better I made me want her here so that we could go out and enjoy each others company, have a drink and a laugh being Garry and Sheryl and not Mum and Dad. Then when the darkness came back it made me realise that I needed Sheryl to help me climb out of it.
There is difference between wanting and needing someone, and at my worse I NEEDED her to look after me, mother me in many ways. This is not good for a relationship but it was the illness not Garry. I have loved Sheryl since the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one for me. I wanted her, wanted to be with her and wanted to make her happy but the neediness depression cursed me with destroyed that.
I was guilty of treating her terribly, neglecting her needs and making her feel inadequate. I have to live with that fact. I could not provide for her emotionally, expecting to take not give. I spent too much time doing things on my own and not as a team, not involving her.
I was ill, although this may not be an excuse in some peoples eyes, believe me the depression has changed me in so many ways.
I stopped being the man she married.
I have held on to ALL the blame for it going wrong.
I completely understand why she left, although I do not know the reasons fully.
There are two sides to every story and it takes two to work on or break a marriage.
When you are rejected nightly for years and not allowed in the marital bed it will give any man self esteem issues, it ate away at me and is a big reason behind me being the way I am now, in terms of confidence.
When you are constantly checked up on, to see if you are doing things you shouldn’t be, it causes resentment.
When you have to question if you are loved, something is not right.
I can walk away knowing I tried, boy did I try, to reconcile. I never wanted to lose Sheryl but in her own words “don’t bother fighting – It’s over. This was said 3 days after she walked out.
Now as my friends will know, I do not believe you can stop loving someone overnight, sure you can fall in and out of love with someone – that is why it is important to keep working at relationships – but to suddenly feel nothing? sorry call me a fool but I don’t believe it. Be that as it may I have to accept it and can’t keep sitting around waiting for reality to catch up with her. I have to let it go for my sake.
The last time we were physically together was in August and she couldn’t say it was over to my face. The proof has to be in her actions as she wont look me in the eye and say words.
When I took my overdose I text her to tell her what I had done, no I dont know why but when you reach that point you do not think clearly, she did not once try to contact me to find out if I was out of hospital let alone still alive.
That is not the action of someone who loves you.
I have held myself back for too long now hoping for a miracle and now the time has come for me to stop kidding myself.
This is the end of that chapter we shall refer to as “The Breakup” let me now start working on the next phase because I have some plans and changes in mind that will, eventually, see me improved in many areas.