Wanting What We Cant Have

This is an area I seem to specialise in these days, wanting something or, more appropriately someone I can’t have. Problem is the more I am told I can’t have it the more I want it, the more I want it the less likely it is to happen but Moose does like a chase…..

I am in a good place in terms of my marriage tonight, i have finally been able to see things in a new light and accept them for what they are, and all it took was a few simple messages that were a month in the making. Now don’t get me wrong I am very hurt and upset by what has happened BUT more importantly I am not taking the blame anymore.

For the past 2 and 1/2 months I have blamed myself for everything that has happened, been far too sympathetic to her needs and not concentrated on how I actually feel about it all, or more appropriately allowed the grieving process to do its thing.  Lots of people have told me that is where I am going wrong, I am not grieving for the death of my marriage. To be honest I have done enough grieving the past few years to last me a life time! So that is where I am at currently and looking to move on….

Except I fucked that up as well……. But as I am trying to convince myself – Things happen for a reason…

So i have lost Mrs Moose, Miss Naughty and Miss Never Gonna Happen…. and all I wanted was a little bit of effort in return for the hard work I put in..

Miss Never Gonna Happen is a hard pill to swallow but I needed to do what I did for my own sanity, as well as to protect her from a rampaging moose, I doubt she will see it that way though and for that I am sorry.

To cheer myself up and get out of this mini dip I went and got some pain of the nice variety and rewarded my recent good run of form with a new tattoo on my left arm.

Finally I have the “Abide With Me” tattoo I have wanted for many years, the last line to be exact “in life, in death, O Lord, Abide with me”.

Ink by Duane "illumin-eye" Robinson

Ink by Duane “illumin-eye” Robinson

The hymn is played at family funerals and is scheduled to be played at mine – not for many years yet though I hasten to add!

Duane, the tattooist is based in Mile End, 5 minutes away from the underground station and not only is he a great artist but also a top man as well! If you’re in the London area go and see him!! His Facebook page can be found here tell him Moose sent you!

So besides screwing up a good friendship because I wanted more,  finally realising my wife is never coming home and turning into a nervous shitting wreck because of seetec today a few hours of pain has turned a bad day into a good day!

Death of The Depressed Moose

I gave it everything,

I fought my best,

Now I close my eyes

For the eternal rest.

 

No sad songs, no mourners,

Nothing good to remember,

No graveside to visit

From January to December.

 

As my body slowly hits the floor,

Know that I really couldn’t have given more.

And when they find me alone in my peaceful final sleep,

Let the angels take me away and my soul they keep.

 

As the curtain closes and Abide With Me plays

Remember the laughter and carefree days.

Drinking, dancing out having fun,

Raise a Jack Daniels for me, have more than one.

 

Scatter my ashes, let the wind take me away,

On an everlasting journey when I can always stay.

Do not look back and think of what went wrong

Garry is still here but the depressed moose has gone.

 

No grieving, no mourning, no feelings of regret

Life as moose was really as good as it could get.

No flowers, no crying I don’t want your tears

Let me go alone on this journey without holding on to your fears.

 

No more pain and hurt, no more suffering

No more dreaming of what might have been.

The moose has left the building to a final high five

Dont worry about Garry he is well and alive!

 

Laughing and joking, a smile back on his face

Enjoying life, getting out all over the place.

The new chapter beginning, the start of a new race.

Garry taking on the world – WATCH THIS SPACE!

Emotionless Moose

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my Great Aunt Eileen who passed away aged 90 on 25th March. The cremation took place in Coventry which meant a 2 hour drive from London. Leaving at 10 am was difficult for me with my concerns over my IBS but thankfully the medication had kicked in and I had no issues for the whole day.

Anytime I have to leave the flat in the morning involves me getting up at least 3 hours beforehand to make sure I am “empty” and have taken Loperamide and wait for it to work so I don’t have the added stress of finding a toilet. Even more important when driving for 2 hours! but thankfully it worked nicely yesterday – I even managed to eat a cheese sandwich on the way which is the equivalent of waving a red flag to a bull most days!

At the service as the coffin was brought in I felt nothing, not a single thing. Even when Abide With Me was played all I was interested in was singing the words rather than thinking about past loved ones who have died and had that hymn played.  No tears, no lump in throat, no feelings of sadness especially watching my beloved Nan suffering. Just as importantly when I woke up this morning no repercussions from the day suddenly catching up with me.

Ladies and gentlemen I believe this is called  - making progress

For me not to cry my eyes out and then reflect on Eric, Ron and Teresa is a huge step in my recovery.

For me not to spiral downwards following a funeral is a huge step as well!

I was more focused on the well being of  my Nan than I was about anything else and it may well be that this is the reason that I was so calm but for the past few years I have cried whenever I have heard Abide With Me and this time I did not, for me to want to sing it was even better!

Long may this frame of mind continue!

 

My Favourite Hymn

I am not a particularly religious person, have not attended a church service since the days of sunday school in my single digit years but I have recently been drawn towards the church as a place of sanctuary and somewhere I can go and sit by myself and reflect on life in general (well that was the church opened on a wednesday evening for some “quiet time” last few weeks I have been there it has been closed, but that is a different story for a different rant!)

As a child in school we always used to sing hymns in assembly and before the cigarettes turned my voice into a gravely mess I could hold a tune and enjoyed the hymns. One particular one has always stood out for me though, it is played at family funerals that I have been too and as a football fan it is played before the FA Cup final every year and that hymn is “Abide With Me”

The words are posted below and some of them really seem appropriate to my battle with depression and they always remind me of lost uncles and this in turn inspires me.

 

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,
But as Thou dwell’st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

 

and although im sure I may have posted this video before you need to hear a rendition of this hymn performed by Emeli Sande (if you cant view the video go to youtube and try and view it in your country)

 

 

Just listening to this last night stopped me from drinking myself into a state!

Friday Funk Has Lifted….

What a difference a day makes thank God Friday is over! 6 hours sleep and still emotional over the amazing opening ceremony last night!.

There was an amazing rendition of “Abide With Me” by Emeli Sande that reduced me to tears, this hymn holds a special place in my heart as it is played at family funerals.

I hope you can see the video if not you MUST search for it on youtube!

What did you make of the ceremony? Was it too British for some people overseas to understand?

I loved it especially when James Bond met the Queen!

Proud to be British this morning!