Despite the stresses of the last week I actually got myself up and out the door at the crack of a sparrows fart and headed to Regents Park to meet my running buddy Gary – a fellow wordpress blogger who writes here
We arrived early eager to get our hands on the superhero costumes and changed into possibly the most unlikely superhero duo since Del Boy and Rodney!
the streets of London were safe for another day!
There was a mass warm up for the 1700+ superheros and the first song that was used was….
so whilst everyone was dancing around the field Gary and I continued our pre run ritual of a cigarette and left them too it. It was hard enough coping with the poxy moose head smacking me in the nose every time I moved around.
At the start line I took off like a bullet from a gun (in my head at least!) and within 1k the pain kicked in like someone was running alongside me with scissors but I carried on moaning my way round the course until finally the finish line was in sight and I raised my arms wearily aloft as I crossed it in a new personal best time of 36 minutes!
After hitting the floor and finally being able to take off the moose head I was able to fully recognise what I had achieved. Five Km doesnt seem a big distance to lots of people but for me it is a huge goal I reached and hopefully next weeks 10 Km run in London wont seem so daunting now – depending on how my knees feel in the morning!
Thank you to wonderful people who have donated money for Mind, a wonderful charity. I even managed to meet the Big Cheese of Mind Paul Farmer today. The Moose did a great job networking.
Okay I admit it I was wrong about this whole exercise thing!
I am starting to notice the rewards for my effort in the gym and I’m enjoying my time there. I am getting known by the staff there and starting to interact with more people.
My IBS had been playing up last week so much so that I only went on Monday so when I walked through the doors again yesterday it was nice to be asked by the staff where I had been and how was my training going.
I pushed really hard during my workout yesterday and it was a nice feeling to have the sweat pouring off me knowing I was working the hardest I could physically without causing any damage! I am painfully aware of my limitations but have felt the need to up my game slightly so that I can get maximum reward for effort and I have felt the difference in my mental health as a result of exercising regularly.
It’s more about the fact that I am out of the flat more often than any endorphin’s released through exercise. The level of support I receive from people online also contributes massively to my mental health as it is great to know people are willing you to succeed.
I finally managed to wake up early enough to attend a yoga class at gym today.
Early enough, in fact, to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill BEFORE the class!
I am hoping having a good ole stretch of muscles will ease the pain in my knees and am proud to report that I did not fart and did not follow through despite being in some father “interesting” positions.
The downwards facing dog has been rechristened “the dead moose” but I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the class and will be attending on a regular basis all being well! I am so proud of myself for trying something like this which is completely out of my comfort zone – but one complaint I have is about the amount of mirrors! I look like a beached whale, so much so in the suggestions box I posted the following
“can we get the mirrors from the funfair that change your body shape!”
not sure its gonna happen LOL but one can try.
I am also pleased to report that I was actually told today “your losing weight!”
The fact is I have now lost 1 stone (14 lbs) but to have someone else acknowledge it felt great! It certainly inspires me and gives me added encouragement to know that people are noticing the changes in my body.
Besides this I am feeling confident enough to pose for some photos and we all know I love a semi naked moose photo or 4!
I get bored easily and that is never good when there is a camera around
Having signed up for the gym on Monday I have completed 4 sessions this week so far. I woke up early again this morning and was in the gym by 9.10!
That’s almost 3 hours earlier than I would normally wake up so progress is being made! In fact most of this week I have been waking up early and actually doing something positive with my days.
Although £30 a month membership is quite a big chunk of my benefits (especially once the new changes come into effect) I am pretty sure the positives of being active, socialising and actually leaving home with outweigh the downside of more financial struggle. I will probably make the money back by not eating so much shit as I try to get myself back into shape!
Funny how people are so obsessed with having a six pack when I should be shouting about my 26 pack I currently have! surely seeing as 26 is much higher mine is more impressive?
The photo below shows just how far I have to go in order to get to the gym so I would appreciate a round of applause for making the effort just to get there! Bare in mind I am usually knackered by the time I get there
Follow Black Line for walk to Gym
Okay so maybe I can’t use the excuse that it is too far to go! But the plan is to take Lilybet to nursery and then hit the gym on the way home for an hour or more (knees permitting!)
They say exercise is good for depression but from my point of view it doesn’t help YET!
Allow me to explain
My knees are fucked! so far 7 minutes is the amount of time it takes before the pain gets really bad on the treadmill but I soldier on…
7 FUCKING MINUTES!! im only 34 for the love of God! I should be able to not suffer pain after 7 minutes WALKING on a treadmill! – This makes me depressed
I cannot do the things that I used to find easy! – This makes me depressed
I’m the fat guy at the Gym – This makes me really depressed
I am terribly conscious of the state of my body even worse because of the fact that I was a footballer once upon a time! now I look like a football. Seeing the posers strutting through the gym does my head in! “Hey look at me” walking around and not on any machines just strutting lol
And yet I am going to enjoy this little experiment of going to the gym and trying to get healthy! The great bonus is that I can count how many calories I have lost and reward myself with a Big Mac!
Moose getting ready to hit the treadmill!
I spend too much time worrying about the here and now and not the bigger picture. Obviously deep down I know that I cannot walk straight back into a gym after 8 years and do the things I used to be able to! But that is not how my brain and depression work.
“You can’t do it you’re a failure!”
“Give up the pain is too much”
and many other phrases my mind uses to try and get me back home and under the duvet!
Trying to work through it all brings its own rewards though and the knowledge that for the past 3 days I have been on the treadmill for an hour at a time makes the pain worthwhile!
Just over 5k in an hour! a good start for a fat moose
so although at the moment exercise is not great for my depression the future looks promising once I give myself time to see the results of the work I put in. Then I can deal with my body issues and feel pride in the effort I am making.
This is assuming I can stick to this once the bad cycles makes its inevitable appearance! Things are much easier to do when your feeling up.
That two minute walk from home to the gym could be the best little walk I have made in years!
And as always, if I can do this then so can YOU! meet me at the treadmill! I’m the guy with St John’s Ambulance men on standby.
The other good thing about the location of my gym is that we are in The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE) land so if I am wearing shorts and the IBS kicks in and I have an accident I can simply say that my fake tan has smeared down my legs
Right here we go! time to stop focusing on the negatives and start banging our own drums and trumpets!
In my infinite wisdom I have declared March to be the month to celebrate our MARvelous aCHievements (see what I did there? genius I tells ya!!)
Time to focus on anything we have achieved in the past – there is nothing too small that we can celebrate. The small things soon snowball into something bigger, yet without that first small success nothing would have happened!
So who is with me on this? lets all talk about our wonderful successes and kick negativity into touch for a while!
To get the ball rolling let me refer you to this time last year…
March 2012 was the month that I was ready to end it all! Window was opened and my feet were on the sill ready to jump.
I am setting myself some targets this year as I found that having something to aim for really does make a difference in combating depression.
Some are more achievable than others but you gotta reach for the stars to get where you want to be at times.
So in no particular order here they come
Sell 365 books.
Sounds a lot doesn’t it but that’s only one a day isn’t it. I will bug you all repeatedly until you buy my books just to shut me up
Have only one chin and lose 2 stone.
I am stuck on 16 stone and ideally want to get down to 12/13 stone so need to start shifting the pounds. This year I intend to be more active especially as I am doing the 10k run in May to raise money for MIND.
Pay it Forward
I want to help more people this year. I have had a lot of support from people and this year I will be aiming to help even more people beat depression.
Publish more books
Ideally I want to start on my romance novel again as it has been months since I touched it. Also have an A-Z of depression book idea that needs to take shape.
Stop smoking
So far this year I have gone down from 40 a day to 10 which is a good start. Soon I hope to have given up completely imagine how much money I will save which can help me with number 6
Get more tattoos
I want to get the words to “Abide with me” tattooed on me as it is a hymn that means a lot to me personally, then I want to get a godfather tattoo done (image of Vito Corleone with the words “I will make him an offer he can’t refuse”) and a couple more would be lovely
Go out more
After having such a good time on New Years Eve I am determined to make sure that I go out once a month at least, not just out in terms of drinking but out in terms of seeing sights and spending quality time with Sheryl
Visit relatives more
I have a couple of relatives that I am particularly close to who are in their 80s and I don’t see them often enough, although I talk to them on the phone at least once a week I want to go and see them more especially the ones on their own.
Smile
Easy enough isn’t it? well we all know that it is easier said than done but at least if I am smiling (naturally) it means I am on the right track and doing well
Not stress if I don’t reach these targets!
The hardest one of the 10 but also the one with the most reward. The main thing is having targets to begin with, this time last year my only target was staying alive! and no I don’t mean in the Bee Gee sense of the word
so there we have it, a whole set of things to strive for in 2013 and whether I meet one or all of these targets I can promise you all that I will be trying my very best to complete the set!
This weekend marks 6 months since I hit rock bottom see here for details of how low. Whilst I do not want to keep bringing up what is now known as “the window incident” I can look back with an overwhelming sense of pride and achievement at how far I have come in that time.
It got to the point where my life could have ended but with the help of good friends, spirits looking over me and a new relationship with Jesus I have been on a steady incline since that day, despite the highs and lows of the past 6 months I have never again been as bad as I was before.
So lets look back at how far I have come because it is important with an illness like depression to celebrate the steps made in recovery.
Started this blog in June – yep still only a newbie in the blogging world it feels like a lot longer but I’m still learning bits and pieces and (hopefully) improving as a writer!
Published 2 books on mental health illnesses – now I am not sure if I have mentioned my books before but what the hell it’s a bloody good achievement despite my doom and gloom over the sales, The fact is (including around 35 free copies) I have sold 90 books! holy crap 90 books! Thats in paperback and ebook formats
ok this has to be said again 90 books!
I am helping people – I have received numerous messages from people who have read my blog telling me how they have been either inspired or helped by what they have read! Complete strangers have reached out to me! The sense of pride I feel when people contact me is unbelievable.
I am raising money for charity with the poetry book. If I raise only £10 then it is still an achievement.
I am making new friends on wordpress, twitter and facebook and becoming “known” for my blog.
I am raising awareness about depression and getting people educated in the process.
90 books! seriously that’s blown me away 10 away from 3 figures I am gonna have to find a way to celebrate, maybe a signed copy or two as a competition LOL
My marriage has never been better since I sought help about my depression. I see couples breaking up over mental health illnesses and a reluctance to talk about it. I am hoping to break down some barriers about the importance for men in particular to seek help and open up.
I feel like my kids, and step sons are proud of me for having published books. More importantly I am proud of myself for being brave enough to post everything without being anonymous and holding nothing back. It gives people a face to the illness and makes them realise they are not alone.
as lists go this is not bad for 6 months work is it? considering if I did a list for the previous 10 years it would not be more than 1/4 long.
Heck I even managed to quit mafia wars!
So my message to you all is list your achievements, stand back and look at them and get that sense of pride you deserve for all the work you put into recovery. It’s not about how many is on the list it is all about the fact that there is something there for you to be proud off!
As the saying goes “pride comes before a fall” well today I respectfully disagree.
For me, my fall was a long time ago and while I may still be heading towards the ground, I can sit back today with a sense of pride at my achievements over the past five months.
This is a big deal for me because one of my biggest issues with depression is the feeling of being a failure, self loathing is one of my specialties so please allow me this luxury because it’s a massive step for me.
Five months ago I was at rock bottom and ready to throw my life away.
Since then I have done the following:
Admitted I needed help and got it
Started writing this blog.
Continued with the blog, this will post #111
Given up Mafia Wars! (I never thought that day would come)
Wrote and published a book
Sold 20 copies of book!
Had an idea for a book of poetry and actually following it through
Started writing another book
Found God
Made lots of new friends, people like Weegee and Bourbon especially from WordPress
Attended a training day for peer support, being in a room with complete strangers!
Read that list and weep depression!
That is not bad going in 5 months is it?
The point is that it is OK for you to look bad with a sense of pride, if only you allow yourself to see how much you have achieved.
Why not do what I have done and make a list to see what you have managed in the past year, it may surprise you and when you feel low you can look back it and remember how far you have come!
You all know by now how much getting these awards means to me. Coming from your peers makes them the more special because it shows your on the right track, that your writing is getting across in the way you hoped it would when you started. Now after only one month of blogging I have been kindly given my 3rd award.
I have been nominated by Justathought who has a blog that is well worth a view!
Again the process involves revealing 7 facts about myself and as we know I like to make them a little bit more interesting than you would expect.
Here we go again
I once bought the record Stutter Rap for my twin brother who has a bad stutter
When I was 10/11 I had a car washing “business” with regular customers on a Sunday
I like to have a “messy” corner in the flat. This has turned into 4 messy corners LOL
I once had a road rage incident on my way to work which involved me chasing after a car who cut me up, calling the driver every name under the sun. Imagine my shock when the car turned into my works car park and it was the MD!
I once won a competition in the Daily Mirror. The prize was a football. When it arrived it was punctured! I have never bought the paper since!
I was on live radio once (Kiss 100 FM) and was cycling at the same time. I proceeded to pretend to the presenters that I had just been knocked off my bike by a car and ended the call in dramatic fashion. They then called me back panicking before I told them I was joking and they were crying with laughter over it and sent me a CD as a result.
I once wrote to Jim’ll Fix It asking to dance with the band Five Star - he did not reply!
So there you have it another 7 facts about me I hope your learning more about me!
I would like to nominate CrazyIntheCoconut for this award even though it’s already showing on her page. Just looking at her image on the blog makes me laugh and her writing is very good and I learn a lot from her posts.
And for those still wondering who the hell five star are
I am honored and humbled again to have been given this award by a fellow blogger! This one was given to me by the wonderful nothinginmynoggin who has a very good blog of her own about her struggles with mental health illnesses and it really is a candid and inspirational read.
She also called me “awesome” which always gets brownie points!
One thing I love about these awards is the questions that follow after as they are, for me at least, a great way of finding out interesting snippets of information that would not be found out in normal circumstances.
So here are the questions asked and my responses to them (I have missed out a question from the original post as it is about immigration in the US)
1. If you were a Disney character, who would you be?
I would say Woody from Toy Story as I am a leader of others, with a strong sense of loyalty to my friends. Like Woody I also have my insecurities about being replaced and forgotten.
Woody
From an entirely visual perspective I can’t help but notice the likeness between the real me and Milo Thatch from Atlantis have a look and see if you agree, It makes me laugh at least!
Milo Thatch picture taken from disneyexperience.com
2. What was your 1st job?
My first paid job was working for waitrose supermarket in one of their stores. I was 15 doing my GCSE’s between shifts and it was one of the best jobs I have had. It was basically a social club with so many students working there.
3. If you had to live in a so called “3rd world country,” which would it be?
I currently live in a “3rd World Country” The way the UK is falling apart we will soon be described as one!
To be honest I couldn’t see myself living in a 3rd world country but I would like to visit the places in Africa where events like Comic Relief have worked to see how it has benefited from aid given by so many people or whether it has gone to waste.
4. Coen or Farrelly Brothers?
Farrelly Brothers every time! Well apart from Miller’s crossing which I love but for me slap stick, gross, close to bone humour is the best kind! I could watch “silly” films by the Farrelly’s all day long! There’s Something about Mary and Dumb and Dumber in particular!
It’s exactly my humour although I rein it in when the need suits of course
5. Favorite baby/child’s book?
As a kid I was not much of a reader I was always outside playing football from dawn till dusk but I loved any books by Roald Dahl the escapism of them all taking you away into another world so different from you own. Getting lost in the books I can say now that my love of books in adulthood stems from reading his books although my reading material of choice is a million miles away! The Twits was one of my all time favourites as I could imaging my own parents pulling the same tricks on each other LOL
6. Favorite non-existent punishment (well, non-existent in “1st world countries”) for monsters who harm the defenseless?
This will not sit well with others I’m sure but here is what I would do if I could
I would put these monsters in a sound proof room with the relatives of their victims for 1 hour and lock the door.
It would certainly save a lot of tax payers money keeping these “people” in prison.
7. What’s your favorite thing to do that is not strictly legal?
Hmmmm this is kinda tricky in it definitions because the way I dance should be illegal but I enjoy it anyway! Especially when no one is around to see me “move like Jagger!”
8. What’s an image that depicts how you feel right now?
Photo taken from uncommonhelp.me
This fits in nicely I think, questions about how I feel, where I am going, where I want to be with just a hint of a ray of sunshine on the horizon offering some hope.
9. What’s your favorite ridiculous video?
I don’t have a favourite ridiculous video it is not something I spend time searching the internet for. Here is a video I do like though it’s a music video taken from “Music and Lyrics” and it just makes me laugh out loud when I see it. Hugh Grant is brilliant in this video
Hope you enjoyed this! What question or questions would you ask me to find out something unusual? you can comment and ask me or use the Contact page and contact me via Facebook or email.
A proud moment for me that I had to share with you all because without your support there would be no blog!
I was nominated by weegee who has been with me since day 2 of my blogging career somehow she found me and has helped me so much! Her blog is wonderful and I highly recommend it!
Here it is my first award
One of the rules of receiving awards is you must answer the questions asked about you from the person who nominated you.
In this instance I must tell you 7 unusual facts about me!
This will be hard as I am trying to come up with the most “out-there” ones I can think of!
I can fit 28 Malteasers in my mouth at one time – I know this because Sheryl was stuffing them in until I nearly choked on them!
During our “courting” days Sheryl wrote her initials on my buttocks with Hair removal cream. Unfortunately for me her initials at the time were S.S so when I bent over it looked like SOS!
I was once on Blue Peter - I had bunked off school and went to London Zoo for the day, the same day that Blue Peter were filming and I was spotted by a teacher who saw me in the background making an ass of myself for the camera! Yes I got detention for that LOL
I once threw a professional footballer out of a sports shop I worked in because he would not stop playing with the footballs on display
I performed on stage at a fundraising event for my football team doing impressions of Jim Bowen, Frank Spencer and Prince Charles! I was about 9 it was the 80′s and I still cringe today when I think of it
I am 2 minutes younger than my twin brother
When I was in Magaluf for a “lads holiday” I put a condom on my head for a laugh and left it on so long I had a big red circle on my head that took hours to fade and spent the night answering questions about it!
wow that was tougher than I expected it to be! It is hard to write something that is interesting and different. What facts would you come up with? I will be interested to read some!
