Walls

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

I’m away for a hide for a little while, no idea how long could be hours, days or weeks but I’m not great at the moment having a crisis of confidence.

Sadly, that inner voice that I had hidden (or ignored) has come back and asked all manner of questions that I had avoided asking let alone trying to answer.

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

So I am going to do the hardest thing and sit down and work out the answers, no matter how painful.

For now the walls are up, people not allowed in and I have to face this alone.

 

Finally I have found one answer

I have been searching for answers since I started this blog and this week I managed to find one answer in regards to the debate about who I am.

My ankle is still hurting and I am still limping slightly

I say the word “Arghhhhh” a lot

Elizabeth keeps repeating me like a bloody parrot.

Only one conclusion springs to mind about who I am and that is

Yep I must be a pirate!

 

And just for good measure

It appears Lilybet is too!

Something Good…

Needs to happen today to get me out of another Friday Funk – It appears to be that Friday is my new Monday always a good week is ruined by Friday.

Here are some things that would probably cheer me up

  • a text message from a friend
  • an email from someone asking how I am doing
  • a sudden surge of interest in my blog rather than the current down flow I am seeing
  • The stats page on wordpress goes missing for a few hours so I am not constantly checking it!
  • One of those emails that tells me I have been left millions in a will turns out to be true!
  • a rich older lady with no family and a weak heart takes a shine to me.
  • a puppy appears on my doorstep
  • nutella email me asking to advertise on my blog and offer to pay in jars!
  • someone tags me in one of the cool questions posts that do the rounds so I can find something to write about!

And so here are some random questions that have bothered me this week

  1. How long will I stand at the main front door of my flats trying to use my Tesco clubcard key ring before I remember to use the proper security fob?
  2. What can I eat that will not force me to sprint to the toilet and then spend the rest of the day going back and forth?
  3. If I had a tube full of pringles and you took a handful what would you have?
  4. Why is there no chocolate in my flat?

 

and the answers are…

  1. appears to be 5 minutes and after lots of expletives
  2. God knows!
  3. you would have my teeth marks in your hand!
  4. because I ate it all

 

I feel so random today lots of ideas spinning around my head but nothing jumping out at me to say “write about this” or “talk about that”. I guess the good news is that I will be winning the lottery tonight so will be able to go on a lavish spending spree soon, the bad news is I don’t have the money to buy a ticket LOL

Don’t be surprised if there are a lot of posts today I feel the urge to write to escape from myself for the day! Now if only I knew what to write about!

Garry “the confuddled Moose”

Questions, Questions and the Occasional Answer

I feel down tonight, I did last night as well but during the days I have been feeling fine! I even went for an 8 mile cycle yesterday morning (and nearly killed myself in the process LOL)

Got me wondering about the change in mood come the evening and raised some questions in my head…

I thought it might be time to start thinking about causes of moods be them happy or depressive. Are there certain things that trigger you off into these moods? a song on the radio? a film? Its amazing how something that is so trivial can almost be a set back or a moment of clarity.

What do you do when this happens? Embrace it or take a backwards step? Some days all I want to do is sleep other days I can’t sleep – why? Depression does make you tired we know that but sometimes I sleep not because I am tired but because I am bored. What makes me feel this way? Is there some sort of chemical imbalance that causes this or is it just the depression? How do you cope when you feel like this?

Do you like the way I am trying to integrate you into this? start some discussions or even just a comment or two to see how others deal with depression. Anyways enough with me whoring the blog out for a moment lets get back to the points at hand!

When you feel down what do you do to change the mood? do you do anything? I must admit I tend to load up some old skool garage on the Xbox and dance around the front room like a nutcase singing at the top of my voice. This works best when no-one else is home as Sheryl hates my taste in music almost as much as my voice! Besides that I am running out of glasses where my singing keeps breaking them! The good news is that a group of whales in the Atlantic have set up a fan club dedicated to me as only they seem to be able to decipher the sounds of my singing voice!

If I feel really down sometimes I like to watch films from my childhood to cheer me up, silly films like Oliver! I can recite almost word for word and besides making me want to “pick a pocket or two” it reminds me of being in the choir at junior school in the days when teachers wrote in my report “has a good singing voice!” before the cigarettes made me sound like a gravel voiced Justin Beiber! ps thats the one and only time he will ever appear in my writing! 

 

Now for a quick musical interlude 

Ok now that’s in your head we can think on the same level did it make you feel better it did me! Don’t tell Sheryl she just wont look at me in the same light anymore.

Besides dancing and singing what else can help bring you out of a funk? reading a book maybe. I am a big mafia buff and have over 50 books on the New York Mafia but I tend to read them from front to back in one sitting and being in the UK it is damn hard finding mafia books that A) I haven’t got B) are within my price range and C) not from American sellers with crazy postage charges so I end up reading the books 3 or 4 times. I like the escape reading brings but unless its mafia based I just cant get into them.

Talking is always good but as we have a daughter who appears to be nocturnal we never really find the time to have a talk about how I’m feeling without being disturbed by Queen Lilybet! This is where having a good support network comes in handy but thats a subject I want to deal with more closely on a different blog! (stay tuned coming to a monitor near you very soon!)

I guess this where my idea of writing a blog comes in handy because I can share my feelings and thoughts and tomorrow I can look back and try and shed more light onto the issues of feeling down in the evenings more than the daytime. Having said that I do put pressure on myself to get more and more readers of my blogs which really is insane its like I am on a crusade to show that depression can get anyone at anytime and want approval, want lots of people to see what I write and like it and want to share it with their friends. Hmmmm that doesnt seem right but hey its how I feel.

I wondered what inspired me to do this blog in the first place and here comes the question I guess I want answered most, bare with me while I ramble a little bit but there is a point to it I promise..

As I mentioned before I cared for my Uncle Ron until his death last year. In fact this Saturday will be a year to the day of his passing. Could this be why I feel down this week? He suffered from depression for many years to the point where he became almost unrecognisable in his personality at the end of his life and if I am really honest his death affected me a whole lot more than I ever let on to my family but did make me realise I needed some help.

A little story for you now which may make you think I am crazy but I know what I saw and stand by it.

In 2000 my great uncle Eric died. On the night he passed away I woke up suddenly and on the end of my bed I saw him standing there waving to me, he then walked into my son’s bedroom as if to check on him and waved goodbye. I didn’t know he was ill, didn’t know anything until the following morning when I got the call to say he had died. I have always believed since then that Eric became like a guardian angel to Brandon as he never had kids of his own and was so excited about me having a baby. He died 2 weeks before Brandon turned one.  A few weeks later Brandon fell down a flight of stairs from top to bottom and walked away laughing. Eric stopped him hurting himself!

Now to my uncle Ron. I believe he is watching over me and Elizabeth I even have a tattoo of a guardian angel as a tribute to my uncles. I wonder if it is him that is inspiring me to write? Its crazy but in the last few days I keep seeing people who look like him at one point I even shouted his name out which made me laugh later in the day but scared some poor man half to death LOL. Are these signs of his help or signs of me losing the plot? Does my belief in this help me or is it causing me to feel down?

I think having something to hold onto is probably more of a help as it gives me strength that I am being watched and aided from the other side but what do you think? Have you had these experiences? how did they make you feel?

I would love to hear some of your experiences

Tomorrow when I re-read this I will probably think I have gone mad but let me assure you any insanity is only temporary!

Garry