Operation Get My Arse In Gear Is All Systems Go

Despite the year starting as the last one finished I have now started the process of getting my shit together again and trying to move forwards, making up for lost time spent under a black cloud the past few weeks.

Today I went back to the Dr and finally told them how things REALLY are and what a struggle it has been, and still is to an extent. The great thing about doing this blog is that I can go back over the posts and spot the signs of when things are heading downhill so I am fully aware when the cycle changes from average to shit again. Okay maybe sometimes they are good too…

This week has been really positive in terms of shaping the future, short term at least because that is what needs concentrating on.

It is amazing how much the mood can turn when someone goes out of their way for you, my confidence has gone through the roof since miss cougar stayed. It was lovely to realise that I AM attractive and do have something to offer and that feeling of the shackles being snapped off in terms of the past few months was as much as a relief as knowing I do not have blue balls anymore…..

I have wallowed in low self esteem for too long, but in many ways I tend to force myself to rock bottom from time to time and I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to my depression. If I ever get of the fucking waiting list for therapy I will make sure this is explored further.

Speaking of therapy, surely almost 2 years of waiting is long enough? In that time I have had 2 “initial assessments” but the wait goes on.. something that I mentioned to my GP today.

I have a few ambitions for this year, money allowing and want to visit some places in the UK at some point. Once I get these poxy loans paid off I intend to start booking train tickets. I especially want to visit Newcastle as I have a HUGE thing for the geordie accent so would be in heaven up there. Bournemouth, Ireland and Liverpool (Irish and scouse accents are 2 and 3 on my list!) are also must see places this year for me. So any readers with a spare room and a love for jack daniels and cleaning up moose sick please get in touch!

As far as the loans go it is amazing how people with such bad credit get accepted in the first place but I have managed to clear 2 so far with 2 to go, I am touched at the people who sent me donations via this blog which were used to clear some of the payments off.  I am working my butt off to clear the others asap. Another example of being my own worst enemy. I am pleased that there is only one arsehole who tries to put me down via this blog, Asylum Heaven kindly fuck off with the comments they are trashed before approval anyway. Most people are not judgmental and understand  the issues I have are linked to my cycles of depression but for those who want to try and make me feel worse with your comments..I wouldnt waste your time because your comments wont be approved so you are wasting your time.

Things are improving day by day, I am in contact with more people and have had a few visitors to Moose Mansion already this year with a big one next weekend when a great friend from Ireland is coming to stay! It is important to have something to look forward to and I know she cannot wait to spend time with me :D

Being famoose does have it perks! I will be strolling into Macdonalds with her using the old “dont you know who I am?” line to get a free bigmac or 2, failing that I will be walking out with more straws than I will ever need, who doesn’t love a freebie!

While I remember I have a facebook page that you should like if you are on there – for no other reason than I am a numbers whore click here to find it and share with the world! I am also still looking for guest posts for this blog, on any subject about depression, how you deal with it, if you look after someone with depression, how you cope with a partner etc etc

I love being able to give people a voice and cannot recommend enough trying to write to release some shit from your chest, it has worked wonders for me time and time again so dont be shy get in touch and send me your words of magic!

As we leave January behind and enter February remember that the year has still only just begun, things can get better if we give ourselves a little time and not expect overnight change – hard as that can be at time.

Here is hoping that I can create plenty of memories this year to share with you, even involving some of you as well – what would be better than a mooseketeers get together in London at some point!  Imagine that we can all wear something moose related and take the big smoke by storm!

And if miss cougar is reading this….maybe you can work some magic on the antlers this weekend!

flaccid-moose

 

500…

followed-blog-500-1x

 

500 followers of this blog is quite an achievement and I am extremely proud that so many of you want to read my moaning, depressing stories :D

I hope (okay I KNOW), that I have helped some people with my experiences and I am so grateful to all the new friends that have come into my life as a result of this blog. People from all over the world, even some in my home town of London have become firm friends and without this blog I would never have met them.

So thank you for putting up with me, supporting me and reading my story without judging me. There has only been one person who has “trolled” me in the whole period of this blog so I know I am fortunate to have so many good visitors to this site. Keep the comments coming I enjoy reading them, and wish I got more to be honest.

It is heartwarming to be at the end of such support and long may it continue. The more people (especially men) we can get talking about depression the less stigma we will face and we can continue to educate the ignorant…

Thank you!

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 47,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 17 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

My Return…

You may have noticed a huge lack of blogging from me these last few months, even hiding this blog from you for a while.

That is because I have been busy doing a huge amount of thinking about what 2014 holds for me both personally and blogging wise. The last 18 months of this blog has been a huge part in my recovery but what I started to notice was that people were coming to me more and more for help with issues, then once I had offered an ear/advice etc I would not hear from them again and it was starting to drain me mentally and emotionally, so I took some time out.

Now I am ready to return to doing something that I enjoy albeit with a slight twist..

I want to step back slightly from the whole depressed moose thing, although keeping the moose alive and well in the process. Moose is a nickname I have had for over 5 years so it’s a part of me that I enjoy but I want to show there is more to me than depression.

I want you to see more of Garry and the person I used to be, the fun loving guy who enjoys a good drink, some karaoke and the company of people.

some call it bad singing - I call it entertaining.

some call it bad singing – I call it entertaining.

I have made some resolutions since the turn of the year and have stuck to them, all about increasing my positive thinking and focusing on the things I do have, the people in my life and not looking at who is not around anymore, who has let me down etc and thus far it is really working!

I feel positive and excited about what this year may bring and have plenty of plans to put into action. To the point that if plan A, B or C do not come through I have X,Y and Z to move forward with.

So while the domain name stays the same I hope that as well as posts on depression there will be a lot more to interest you, more humour, more positive posts and more experiences to be shared with you all.

Garry is all about the here and now and not dwelling on the past and it is really working well for me…

 

 

I Forgot…Now I Remember

So in between the worst week in memory I suddenly was hit by a thunderbolt.

Oprah Winfrey was on the Jonathan Ross show last night here in the UK and said something that hit me right between the eyes.

She told about how she was sexually abused at 14 and ended up pregnant, she lost that baby and her father told her

“You have been given a second chance, DON’T WASTE IT”

She said it was there and then that she knew that she wanted to help others using her experience.

This was the reason that I started blogging, to help other people by sharing my daily battles.

It took a kind message from someone on Facebook (you can add me here to remind me that people DO care about what I have to say and that it DOES help others.

For those regular and long-term readers you may have noticed every now and again that I have a degree in wallowing and self loathing.  It stems from years of rejection by various people and sometimes the walls we have had built for 20+ years need to be pulled down and rebuilt. Rebuilt with better materials, modernised to allow people in…

The problem I have is that I take every little rejection personal. Someone who I thought was a good friend has just dropped me like a stone which hit me hard, where I go wrong is that I forget that it is the other party that has issues and not me (all the time!)

I like to go that extra mile for people and forget to look after myself properly, although being concerned for other people is a good thing in my eyes. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, and when people do send praise my way to accept it. Dismissing praise is a bad habit and one I need to work on – so keep the praise coming, all in the name of research of course.

The point though is that this blog has had nearly 80,00 views with an average of 100 views a day. This means people look up to me, sometimes this idea blows me away that I have so much interest in little old moosey. I do have a sense of purpose, I WANT to be viewed as someone who people can look at as an example of how depression can ruin your life but still somehow we survive, even if at times the dark can be overwhelming.

I focus on what I want not what I need. What I want is often not obtainable because it is out of my control, what I need is what I allow to come to me. The world has a way of bringing things/people into your life when you least expect it. I am now working on allowing nature to take its course, or God’s plan to show rather than forcing everything.

When people are struggling yet take the time out to message me with ideas, advice, the offer of an ear it shows that I do actually have more than I admit at times. While I expect too much from people I know that this is an unrealistic approach to life, there are lots of people who message me via social media to offer warmth, sincerity or a swift boot up the backside!

I focus on those who DON’T contact me….. from this moment on that will change.

If I am so forgettable to them then surely that means they are forgettable to me right?

I need to fill my days again, the worst thing that happened to me and my recovery was having to quit the gym because it helped me so much, enhanced confidence at the weight loss but more importantly I was leaving the flat and doing things everyday.

The question again today is WHEN will I get better and no longer WHY wont I get better.

And who would’ve thought that Oprah Winfrey would be my inspiration…

One final thing, I want to extend a huge thank you to the person who donated to me today via the paypal option on the home page. It humbled me that you would be so generous and means the world to me!

Couldnt Stay Away Moose

Ok so I really tried to stay away but in the words of Michael Corleone “everytime I think I am out they pull me back in”.

So an update for you as to what has been going on since last we saw each other.

Marriage wise it is all over, and my heart is broken. I don’t blame her for walking away from me as my depression obviously took a huge toll on her. The poor thing must be completely worn out physically, emotionally and mentally and whilst I wish things were different and that I could wave a magic wand and make things better I know life doesn’t work that way. I will always leave the door open in the hope that we can talk one day but at the moment it’s not an option and I have to accept that. It is not what I wanted and I worded things wrongly in the heat of the moment, wasn’t the first time and probably wont be the last time I fuck up when my intentions are good.

So bad news out the way back to the depression….

what depression!

For the past 4 weeks at least I have had no depressive thoughts or fears. My phq9 score has sat on zero for the whole time. I have been going to the gym 5x a week and have lost 20 lbs since February and currently weigh the lowest I have in years!

I have seen my GP about coming off my medication too. He was amazed at the change in my persona when I walked into his office let alone the weight change, and this was before I told him what had been going on in my private life! He nearly fell off the chair at how well I was doing and we are now in the process of gradually decreasing my medication in preparation for coming off completely.

It works like this

2 days normal dosage, 1 day half dosage the gradually increase the number of days I have the half dosage. 1 day a week, then 2 days a week, then 3 and so on. It will take a few months to come off the medication and I expect that some days/weeks will be worse than others but now is the time for me as I haven’t felt this good for years!

One thing you all know about me is that I am a fighter and the depression has been knocked from pillar to post the past few weeks and we are now entering the last few rounds and the strongest will survive, that will be me! I’m not going for a quick knockout I want this to be a battle to the last bell when depression will have so much knocked out of it that it wont want to face me again in a rematch!

To paraphrase Charlie Sheen

I have moose blood in me and I am winning!

 

birthday-moose

The Birthday Moose

 

birthday-moose

A year ago today I made the decision to finally “come out” about my depression, and in typical Garry style I did it to the world and created this blog.

My original intention was to help other men come to terms with their depression and get people talking about mental health in general –  I would like to think I achieved this moose mission! It has also helped me in a way I never even imagined – I cannot recommend writing about your depression highly enough. At times it has made me see where things have been going wrong and helped me spot the warning signs of the bad cycles coming.

I have made many new friends since starting this journey and have become “famoose” in my own right – or in my own head, either works for me!

Massive thanks go to Sheryl and the never forgotten Teresa for inspiring me in the early days and giving me the encouragement to write and the support to help me through the bad days.

Naturally I owe a massive debt of gratitude to you, the reader who puts up with my dodgy humour (or comedic genius as I call it), my wallowing and moaning in equal measure yet have stood by me and offered words of advice or just words of support when needed. It has been an absolute pleasure getting to know many of you who I now consider friends.

390+ posts and almost 55 thousands views later it has been a wonderful journey of self discovery and remembering my love of writing.

Here is a list of the top 10 most viewed posts on this site since day 1

  1. You can’t be depressed you’re smiling
  2. Hitting rock bottom is not the end
  3. The Man behind the moose
  4. Moose Tracks
  5. This form could change a life
  6. why I blog and how often
  7. Things to cheer you (and me) up
  8. why its ok to have bad days
  9. Books published by the moose
  10. a children’s book on depression - possibly my favourite post!

 

This blog has been view in 131 countries so huge thanks again to the people who kindly share my posts via twitter, Facebook or any other method.

A few people have also donated to the blog over the first year and I want to say how grateful I have been for this. As you know I have less money than certain countries in the EU so every little donation has helped keep me going.

Raise a glass and lets toast to the next 12 months of thedepressedmoose.com

I will toast to new friends, great support and being #famoose!

Enough of the thanks now lets get a party started! I will bring the Jack Daniels you bring the cake and the strippers!

 

 

A Liebster Award

Liebster award

my good blogging buddy Madd nominated me for this wonderful award via his blog here and as it has been a while since I have been nominated for anything other than “sexiest depressed moose” (ok I nominated myself), I thought I should accept.

Madd nominated me because, in his words “(I know he likes an award)” but hopefully the real reason was because he thought I deserved it LOL

WHEN NOMINATED, THE FOLLOWING RULES APPLY TO THE NOMINEES:

  1. Post 11 things about yourself.
  2. Answer the 11 questions posed by your nominator.
  3. Choose 11 blogs and link them in your post.  Don’t forget to let them know they’ve been nominated.
  4. Create 11 questions for them to answer.
  5. No tag backs!  We wouldn’t want people to get double nominations.  Too much work for them anyways.

so here goes as I try to find 11 interesting things about me that I havent already shared with you

  1. I like to argue with traffic wardens, even though I no longer have a car! Just the other day I kicked off outside Tesco as they happily slapped tickets on cars parked illegally outside the shop even though they were themselves parked illegally! said the moose to the traffic wardens “I hope you intend to ticket this shit bucket of a car as its parked illegally like all the others” its amazing how quick they can get into a car when they are being confronted! bastards!
  2. I own more pink clothing than Sheryl! yep its true I do love a pink T-shirt despite the fact it makes me look like Mr Blobby when wearing it!
  3. I love 80s movies and can happily sit and watch Karate Kid and Back to the Future trilogies all day long! wax on wax off and all that :D
  4. I secretly watch Disney films on Disney Cinemagic when the flat is empty – what can I say I’m a big kid at heart!
  5. When I was a child my nan would not let me watch “Masters of the Universe”, the film with Dolph “Ivan Drago” Lundgren in it as she thought I would get nightmares!
  6. I set fire to an abandoned car when I was 8 years old! bad moose bad bad!!
  7. my favourite sandwich as a child was marmite and beetroot! mmmm
  8. I once got my twin brother sent off in a football match as the referee thought he was me :D
  9. my favourite drink is jack daniels and coke
  10. If I could meet any famous person it would be Robert De Niro or Al Pacino, both amazing actors and real idols to me.
  11. I can fit a whole donut in my mouth and eat it without licking my lips! hey that should be my next vlog post :D

Here are the 11 questions madd come up with for me to answer

  1. How are you right now?pretty damn good! feeling positive and, despite the IBS playing up, the good cycle is in full swing!
  2. What’s your favourite song/piece of music?  (If you have one)music plays a huge part in my life. There are too many songs to list that I could mention. When I am in a good cycle then I can sing along to anything!
  3. Do you have a favourite country? (Outside of your own)for me I would love to visit America, especially new york for all the mafia sights but all over the states I have friends I would love to visit!
  4. What do you enjoy doing the most?writing this blog, and helping other people
  5. I’m finding this difficult to think of questions, are you?im actually impressed you found as many as this to ask!
  6. Do you prefer inner cities/countryside/beaches/other?as a london boy i am used to inner city life but as I have got older I do wish for a place not so hectic! I would say the beach but with my current weight I would worry about being harpooned if I bent over!
  7. Can you speak another language?when i left school i was fluent in french but that was many moons ago
  8. Are you relieved there are only 3 questions to go?very relieved
  9. Can you think of 3 words (any words) to sum you up?

    amazing super moose!

  10. Would you prefer fame or obscurity?  Or somewhere in between?

    I would love to famous weird huh? or maybe i just want the money and not the fame

  11. Woohoo!  Last question.  Isn’t that great?

    it sure is although you did come up with some good ones!

it says I have to nominate 11 blogs but to be honest I think every single blogger who reads my posts deserves an award!

but a special mention to my twin brother David who started a blog about his stammer which can be found here, i am very proud of him for doing this as it was a huge step for him.

I will revive my moose seal of approval award later this week for some deserving folk! keep an eye it for it!

Thank you again Madd for my award!

Guest Post – Petula

As a blogger I often go back and read my old posts. The ones that catch my attention the most are about how I feel regarding my physical and mental issues. I’m often surprised by the depth and truth of my emotions and thoughts. Some of that surprise comes from realizing I’ve revealed more to the world (uh, you know, wherever my blog reaches) than I remember and the other part is pure amazement: I can be deep.

In a world where fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s syndrome are in the forefront and multiple myeloma simmers in the background, I have to have some type of sense of humor. Sometimes I think it’s an invisible illness deflection; laugh so no one knows how crushed you feel on the inside. I fight depression and anxiety every day… Although I like to think depression isn’t a part of my life anymore it tends to show up just when I would rather be left alone. It has been awhile since I’ve talked about it without covering it up with pretty, vague words, which is why I answered the inquiry about writing a guest post here at The Depressed Moose. So many people shy away from the topic of depression, but it’s something that needs to be recognized and discussed regularly.

Not only is it cathartic for the sufferer, but it can be revelatory for those on the outside looking in. Sharing how I feel or think or revealing the true essence of the problem doesn’t come without pain and insecurities. There are normally two reactions I get when (if!) people find out about my depression and anxiety treatment: encouraging and ignorant. That is a bit harsh and generalizing, but it’s fairly accurate.

There are those who are supportive, encouraging and pleased that I have shared – some of them finding permission in my words to reveal their own secrets. Then there are the others who give pat responses and feedback: Just choose to be happy, all you have to do is XYZ and so on.

For instance, an old friend of mine said they don’t read my blog very often because – something to the affect of – it’s not up or happy all the time. On one hand I was hurt by those words and on the other I was angered. My blog is called “It’s a woman’s world” and I write about everything that goes on in my world. I pride myself on being down to earth, honest and completely open. My hope is that my words will speak to someone and ultimately help them in their lives and it’s also very liberating for me. (If they were my friend they’d respect and understand that, right? Not try to make my blog/writing into something that is not “me.”) And, friend, if you’d read my blog on a regular basis you’d know there is way more to me than that and I even right about.

Any-who.

My most recent adventure into the deep, dark world of depression and sadness comes and goes on a regular basis right now. Meaning there seems to be a lot of small things that make me sad. There is, however, a good side to this. Uh, that is if “good” is the correct word in this instance. I’m aware of it and I keep trying to figure out exactly what is making me sad. Wait, I know what it is, but I just don’t know the why. And anyone who suffers with depression knows that it’s the why that’s important because that one reason is making everything else horrible. Yup, I’m now sad about everything and if I can’t be left alone then I’m annoyed and angry.

What a combination.

When I come back later to read this post, I hope I am as pleased with it as I am while I write it. I want to feel pleasure in knowing that I was open and honest as well as pleasure in the hope this post touched or helped someone.

I hope you’re that someone.

 

 

Petula is the writer behind the “It’s a woman’s world” (PetulaW.com) blog where she describes herself as “blogger, writer, mom and… uh… woman.” She’s mom to four and granny to one, somewhere in Georgia.

Posts where she talks about depression: http://www.petulaw.com/search?q=depression 

Back from Cold Turkey Hell!

I have survived my own personal hell! 3 days of no cable TV  internet or landline due to a major outage of Virgin Media services affecting pretty much the whole of redbridge! Finally it has been fixed and I am back but it has been tough I am never going through that again! was worse than the time I stopped taking my tablets :D

I have a few more guest blogs to post but as I am playing catch up they may not go live until Monday. It was interesting to check my comments after 3 days and have 43 spam comments!! still at least the spammers noticed my absence.

So how am I doing?

well the stress of having no internet has drained me but this week I have had my 19 year old Nephew staying with us from the Isle of Wight and it has been a nice change having him here, except I am missing my afternoon siestas so I am tired and miserable but being the “cool” uncle I always knew I could be :D

More updates in the coming days but wanted to assure you I hadn’t left you all in the lurch!!