10 Days of Happiness

Guess who’s back, back again
Moose’s back, tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back,
Guess who’s back. Guess who’s back?

 

For as long as I can remember I have not felt this strong mentally. The shock of what happened 10 days has been to such an extent that the Garry who wallowed with his depression, lazing around on his backside all day and expecting things to come to him and be done for him has seeming packed his bags and moved on.

I have rediscover my love for myself, my confidence and, more importantly rediscovered Garry of old.

I have complete sympathy for Mrs Moose and understand why she had to walk away, for too long has she been a mother, wife, housekeeper and unable to look after herself because the man she fell in love in had turned into a shell of that person. I should have been more aware of her needs but as we all know depression is one selfish bastard of an illness and its hard to focus on other things when we are so busy just clinging on to the edge before we drop off. Yet now I see everything so clearly now, and giving up has never been my style. We finally spoke face to face and will be trying again in a few weeks after she has returned from a much needed holiday where she can recharge her batteries.

How on earth can you love someone who hates themselves? quite simply you cannot and poor Sheryl has been completely run down trying to deal with me and not having enough time for herself, or even quality Garry and Sheryl time. This will change, now is time for me to step up and be the protector and not the protected.

Whilst I can appreciate her apprehension, as obviously words are easy to say, believe me when I tell you all that never again will she feel so alone in our marriage. There are numerous posts on this blog explaining how I feel (and have always felt) about her and just the fact that she is giving us one last try is welcome news to me because she is my soul mate, my best friend and my shining light.

She makes me want to be a better person and you cannot ask for anymore from a partner. I have changed so much because of her over the years into a much better version of Garry, ask ex partners LOL they will tell you what a different man I am since being with her.

My relationship with Brandon is getting back on track as well, we have had a great 10 days of being just the two of us, and once the shock of seeing Dad with an Iron in his hand subsided he has been brilliant. His room even managed to find the carpet that once was visible under all his shit and he has kept it clean too!

While I am not naive enough to think I have beaten depression I can finally tell the world how fucking good I feel currently because I haven’t had a 10 day cycle of feeling this great for years! 

The strength, the laughter, the “don’t give a fuck” attitude, the smile and the being able to look at the person in the mirror and like what i see has returned and depression can, quite simply, go fuck itself.

With the support of some amazing friends, people who have only recently come into the moose’s world at that has been a huge part of this and my advice to anyone reading this with depression wondering what the biggest thing for me was is to get out there and make friends, find a support network and you will be amazed by the level of support you receive from strangers who suddenly become the best of friends.

Ant, Maria, WeeGee, Amy, Jamie, Kimmy, Gary, Emmy, the moose and friends support group on Facebook i run and others i forgot to mention have been amazing and really stood up for moose. While others have disappointed me with their disappearances I am too busy focusing on those who were there for me to care about you. “friends” who have always come to me for support who simply deserted me the past week or so, I don’t forget these things in a hurry….

Man oh man the moose sounds bitter doesn’t he lol

I can see all the faults I have had over the past 3 years or more, all the negative things I have said and done and at the same time I am fucking amazed at what I have achieved too! 

I have also not paid to play bingo in 10 days! more success on the road to recovery…

Moose likes Moose again and this is the biggest victory of them all!

 

 

Finding Me(mo)

I cant explain why but something  just clicked within the last 24 hours within myself.

The old Garry has come out of hiding and kicked the other one into touch. I feel so good today yet seeing as I was told my marriage is over yesterday it makes absolutely no sense why suddenly now he has returned.

Not that I am complaining…

Was it the shock of being told that the love of my life and best friend didn’t want me anymore? I really couldn’t tell you.

Don’t get me wrong I am heartbroken and hurting over what has happened, but I understand her reasons for needing to make a break,if only I had worded things better and explained things better if may be different but hindsight is a wonderful tool and I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason.

The depression took a hold of me to the point where I didn’t even know which Garry would wake up in the mornings so how could someone else? Fighting to keep going can only drain you over time and I bare no ill will or malice towards Sheryl, a beautiful woman with a wonderful heart who has had lots to deal with over the years and not complained once!

We were friends long before we became involved and long may our friendship continue….. of course the door will never close should she want to talk once the hurting phase is over.

And so back to the old me!

I have felt a renewed confidence in myself, can feel the self esteem rising and best of all I am starting to like the person looking back at me in the mirror!

The lip ring that I was hiding behind has been removed, this of course makes me more kissable – but more importantly it means I can smile properly again!

going going

taken the lip ring out

gone!

eyes twinkle and smile returns!

watch out world because if the old me is back then there will be trouble! you thought I was a pain in the arse before? ha ha you aint seen nothing yet!

confidence, sparkling eyes and the gift of the gab!

The person you fell out of love with is back the one you enjoyed being around and no fucking way am I letting him hide anymore!

The future may start looking brighter once again because I am in control of my destiny!

Juliana told me about a wonderful song today and as you all know (or if you are new to my blog will learn soon enough) I am a sucker for lyrics which feel like they were written with me in mind!

Moose listening to country music! next thing you know I will be wearing a stetson and spitting tobacco…

here are the lyrics which spoke to me, and I feel like the perfect way to describe the way I am feeling today

I ain’t no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleanin up my act, little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

its taken me years to reach this point… if only it was a few months ago…..

I have loved, been loved and lost love but I am still here ready for whatever life will throw at me next!

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Losing Weight and Feeling Great

Okay I admit it I was wrong about this whole exercise thing!

I am starting to notice the rewards for my effort in the gym and I’m enjoying my time there. I am getting known by the staff there and starting to interact with more people.

My IBS had been playing up last week so much so that I only went on Monday so when I walked through the doors again yesterday it was nice to be asked by the staff where I had been and how was my training going.

I pushed really hard during my workout yesterday and it was a nice feeling to have the sweat pouring off me knowing I was working the hardest I could physically without causing any damage! I am painfully aware of my limitations but have felt the need to up my game slightly so that I can get maximum reward for effort and I have felt the difference in my mental health as a result of exercising regularly.

It’s more about the fact that I am out of the flat more often than any endorphin’s released through exercise. The level of support I receive from people online also contributes massively to my mental health as it is great to know people are willing you to succeed.

I finally managed to wake up early enough to attend a yoga class at gym today.

Early enough, in fact, to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill BEFORE the class!

I am hoping having a good ole stretch of muscles will ease the pain in my knees and am proud to report that I did not fart and did not follow through despite being in some father “interesting” positions.

The downwards facing dog has been rechristened “the dead moose” but I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the class and will be attending on a regular basis all being well! I am so proud of myself for trying something like this which is completely out of my comfort zone – but one complaint I have is about the amount of mirrors! I look like a beached whale, so much so in the suggestions box I posted the following

“can we get the mirrors from the funfair that change your body shape!”

not sure its gonna happen LOL but one can try.

I am also pleased to report that I was actually told today “your losing weight!”

The fact is I have now lost 1 stone (14 lbs) but to have someone else acknowledge it felt great! It certainly inspires me and gives me added encouragement to know that people are noticing the changes in my body.

 

Besides this I am feeling confident enough to pose for some photos and we all know I love a semi naked moose photo or 4!

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I get bored easily and that is never good when there is a camera around :D

Lack of Confidence

New Vlog for you all to enjoy (or not as the case may be!)

please leave some feedback on this and my other vlogs so i know if they are worth doing or not. Feeback is important to me!

and now for some uplifting, hopefully inspiring music!

a reminder as well that the ele website from Mind is available here

Bullied….By Myself

I am a victim of bullying.

As a kid I was bullied for wearing glasses, I was bullied for being good at football, i was bullied for having a twitch with my nose that made me look like a bunny rabbit! I was bullied for being mouthy as well. I was one of those kids who could never keep his mouth shut and got a few well deserved good hidings as a result of my big mouth.

Only these things were, to me, a part of growing up and did not really impact on my life as a kid/teenager. Those days I could counter any abuse with my own vicious tongue and gave as good as I got more often than not!

But now I am bullied and tormented daily.

Everyday I am told how useless I am, that I am a failure, a waste of space, a shit father and husband and how my blog and books are awful etc.

The difference now is that the person bullying me is myself!

So the question is how do you deal with the self esteem issues that eat away at you?

There has always been 2 Garry’s. There was the one who wore glasses and there was the one who wore contact lenses.

The difference between the 2 of them was one had confidence and the other did not.

One was capable of talking to and approaching women in night clubs etc and did not give a shit about rejection etc. The other would sit in the corner.

One would dance the night away not caring what anyone thought of his “unique” moves. The other wouldn’t even be in a club to begin with.

So when did the change from being confident person (albeit a front) to this person know who I barely recognise?

I know which person I prefer being!

People who have met me in real life recently will be surprised to know about my self esteem issues as I think I carry myself off as a confident, self assured person. To an extent I am, especially when surrounded by other people.

I am surprised myself that I suffer from low self esteem! it really does make me laugh because I know it is not the real me! but then when was the last time I was the real Garry?

With this in mind I am going to try a different approach for the next month and focus on everything positive that I do or have done! A post explaining more will follow shortly!

Anyways I heard this song written by Jessie J about bullying and I wanted to share it with you. I am playing this as my confident self to the Garry who bullies me because as of this moment I am putting a stop to it and standing up for myself!

One of those songs where lyrics jump out at you and inspire you!

 

Oh, so you think you know me now
Have you forgotten how
You would make me feel
When you dragged my spirit down?
But thank you for the pain
It made me raise my game
And I’m still rising, I’m still rising

Yeah Yeah

So make your jokes
Go for broke
Blow your smoke
You’re not alone
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now
So raise the bar
Hit me hard
Play your cards
Be a star
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now