7 days

Before you start singing Craig David or Sting songs – depending on your age I thought now would be a good time to update you on the Cold Moose Experiment.

A week medication free for the first time in almost 2 years, yes it was risky to do this and while I am aware that it is still early days I can truly say that I have not felt so strong mentally in at least 5 years!

The best thing personally is that I have spent some awesome time with Brandon. He has been away at his mums due to being ill but when we have been around each other we have laughed so much – it has been great.

I have laughed and smiled so much lately – forget that strange looking yellow thing in the sky everyone is asking about, the new phenomenon is the lesser known smiling moose currently doing the rounds of Woodford/East London.

I have been out and about the past few days, visiting relatives even going to the cinema. My stomach woes are currently gone! I feel like a normal person in terms of the IBS issues. The early morning spells of being locked in the bathroom being scared to leave the flat again appear to have disappeared. Now its worth mentioning that the IBS issues were a problem BEFORE the medication entered my life, but I am convinced the stress was as a result of the meds, the anxiety and panic attacks were as a result.

There has been a few problems since I stopped taking the meds – it is not all plain sailing

I have been having dizziness problems, especially when I am out walking. Not enough to make me lose my balance or worry – but every now and again I have to stop in my tracks for a few seconds. Hopefully this will ease as my body readjusts to “normality” in terms of a lack of chemicals.

Secondly is the return of the sex drive! this is not good when you have tennis elbow :D

On the plus side I may have to seriously consider moving to Canada – click here to find out why!

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Anyone else out there willing to support moose sex? if so please wear one of these badges so I can identify you!

Any Canadian readers please find me one these badges! I must have one!!!!

I feel alive, I want to get out again – hit the gym again and keep this fighting spirit going.

It may have cost me some friendships but I feel like this has been the right decision – so far.

Long may it last…. if not then please let the sex drive stay! priorities are in the right order..

Facing The Past

Those who have been reading for a while will know that a huge factor in my depression was caused by the death of my Uncle Ron who I cared for in the final 12-18 months of his life.

On Friday my Uncle Jim was taken into hospital with what was a suspected stroke, among other possible illnesses and I had to face up to issues and emotions that I had buried since Ron died.  Not only was it the same hospital that Ron was taken to, but it was also my first visit back to the hospital since my attempted overdose in July.

I couldn’t see him for the first two days of his visit as I couldnt bring myself to attend the hospital and so I decided that going out on Saturday night and having a drink would be a good idea – up until the point when the alcohol brought everything back out and I spent the rest of Saturday  night/ Sunday morning in a terrible frame of mind dealing with things I had tried to bury.

Sadly this also meant I had to let down someone very important to me on Sunday but I hope they understand why, spending time with them is something I am desperate for but I just could not face doing anything Sunday until I had dealt with the issues at hand, which was very hard and emotionally draining to the point where I was awake all night until around 6.30 am working my way through tears grief and guilt that I had not faced properly previously.

Finally I felt able to go and visit my uncle in the hospital and face up to the past and I am not ashamed to admit it was so much harder than what I expected, emotionally draining sums it up nicely.

The past few days have been really difficult but also helpful in finally letting go of certain things after a few years of keeping them buried away.

Today Jim was sent home from hospital and although he doesn’t have a clean bill of health, he is in his 80s and had a triple bypass many years ago, he is back home and for me that feels like closure as the last uncle that went into that hospital never made it out again.

I faced the past and made it over a few hurdles successfully – for my friend I let down I am sorry.

If It Is Bad For Me…

You can bet your bottom dollar that I will either be doing it, have done or in the process of considering doing it.

Even though I know it is bad for both me and my mental health.

Let me give you some examples:

Obviously lets start with the hardest one.

Sheryl wants nothing to do with me, hardly replies to any effort to communicate with me.

So what do I do? I send her a message now and again, then stress that she has ignored me again. What am I expecting from this? Well we all know what I am expecting, it’s called the impossible. BAD!

I want her to divorce me, not because I want a divorce but because I don’t feel like I can truly move on until it happens. If she doesn’t want me why not just file and get it done? Almost six months is plenty of time to miss someone enough to want to try again, as that has not happened then cut ties for both our sakes..

Speaking of moving on…

what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for online dating? Low esteem is always helped when you are constantly being ignored by strangers who think they are better than you, above you etc. I am pretty sure it is in the “how to help your confidence” book that online dating is the way forward… excuse me while my sarcasm detector explodes! BAD!

Now we all know that I am not coping very well with the whole marriage breaking up issue, I am pretty sure I do not hide it from you as well as I think :D but besides Miss Never Gonna Happen deciding that actually it might happen (this is not going to happen for the record) there is nothing to be gained from constantly putting myself out there to be shot down, but I still do. Yet to me that does show a little belief that I do have something to offer someone…

Money – lets cut to the chases, I have none yet when I do have it I spend it like water. The bills and food ALWAYS come first, but I would like to be able to manage it better and not have the stress involved with Christmas around the corner.

I have taken some steps to rectify the financial crisis I am dealing with, but will take a few weeks/months to bare fruit but if it means I can move forward and have a spare few quid in the bank from time to time then hopefully a little short terms pain will be worth it. However kids if you’re reading Christmas is cancelled this year :D

I am very conscious of how much stress I am under lately and how much of it is actually all coming from within. I am trying to focus on dealing with it in a measure manner rather than guns blazing, which usually gets me nowhere!

Worse of all though is how little care and attention I pay myself, yet can spend hours trying to help others. This has resulted in the beautiful mess that Garry currently portrays. I MUST learn to use the advice I give others for myself, to value myself more and the past few days I have been working on it, even reading self help books that a wonderful person sent my way.

Changes are in the pipeline for 2014, this year has been the worst of my life and the sooner 2013 fucks off the better. All being well I will be starting a course in February on Mental Health Awareness Level 1. Will provide more details if I pass the interview needed to get on the course.

I really have big ideas for next year that I will be investigating between now and the new year. They are ridiculously beyond me and are only a dream but we have to aim high dont we?

So my pledge to you for the rest of 2013 is to stop doing the things I know are bad for me, to work on Garry and to look after myself better.

Then when 2014 joins us I will be in a much better position to help other people, which is what I really want to do.

Drained and Run Down

I am completely worn out. I have very little energy to do anything besides wake up and head back to bed a few hours later.

Stress has just got me so run down to the point that I now appear to be coming down with a cold, which means even less energy than normal. It also means more time “thinking” which is never good for me.

There are things I want to get off my chest and talk about but they are so ridiculous I am embarrassed to talk about them.I have done some very silly things the last few days/week.

Most of the things causing me stress are the usual unanswerable questions and things beyond my control that I like to spend hours worrying about.

On top of this we can now add a new problem to my ever growing list, the stress I have put myself under has resulted in me grinding my teeth again when I sleep. I had this problem about 10 years ago, and it is back.

This means that not only am I sinking lower and lower, my bowels are in overdrive, over thinking everything, tennis elbow that has been killing me for 5 months I now have constant toothache and my face has broken out with a lovely rash so the red blotches are really good for my looks!

I am not looking after myself very well and honestly need looking after.

Is it any wonder that she left me when I am such a fucking mess, why friends avoid me etc

I am well and truly fucked right now

Starting Again..

Firstly ignore the post from last night, you may have noticed I can be slightly temperamental at times. I have avoided posting about things lately but this has come at the detriment of my mental health so here we go..

Nicole and Sandra have provided me with some pretty harsh, but very warranted words today. I appreciate people who tell me like it is rather than saying what they think I want to hear.

So yes currently I am pretty fucked up, I am a mess, my emotions and mental health is all over the place and I don’t know whether I am coming, going or even where I stand.

That is not a valid excuse for giving up and accepting things as they are. Its true I wallow a lot at the moment, but remember I have lost not only my wife and best friend but my daughter. It has been a huge shock to the system, especially the way I have been treated since. Thanks to Cindy I have been able to make a lot more sense of things, although it took a day or so to sink in.

I thought I was the whole problem, but I am a part of it only. She needs to do what she has to do to walk away from me and I need to stop taking it personally, she has changed beyond all recognition to me. This only makes it easier because she is not my wife anymore but a stranger.

I sat down today and wrote down all the mistakes I made over the past few years and believe me there were plenty of them, that I wont talk about here. I wasn’t alone in them though, the difference is that I was prepared to work on them and rectify them. I have learnt that you cannot win a fight that has the odds stacked against you, almost fixed in the fact that I can’t win this battle let alone the war.

My self confidence has taken an absolute hammering over the years because I slept on the sofa, imagine spending four years sleeping in a different room to your partner! At first it was because of insomnia but then it was because of the baby. Now maybe you can understand why my self esteem has suffered, why my confidence is low because I had to suffer nightly rejection! It was not even about the sex, it was about the intimacy of falling asleep with my wife wrapped around me and waking up the same way the next morning!

Four years without this! Without waking up next to my wife…

But naturally its all my fault as the man and she is the victim in all this….

My depression was made worse by the lack of self esteem this caused me, yes I am needy and yes I was hard work at times but this was a big issue for me!

Growing up I was always called cocky or arrogant but this was my mask, as I got into my late teens and mid 20s in between relationships I was always fucking about.

As Nate Dogg once said “I got more ass than a toilet seat!” but I don’t want to be that guy anymore. Going out and having meaningless sex does not appeal to me whatsoever! So when people tell me all I need to get over this shit is to go out and fuck someone it insults me!

What I want is someone who will make some effort with me, treat me with respect, accept my issues and help me not hinder me, make me feel attractive and wanted again.  Above all else is for someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because for all my faults I am a nice guy, a good guy and I wont become the wanker I was 10 years ago.

Amazing how your attitude towards things change over time, and believe me I could share some great stories on here about my past experiences shagging a different person weekly.

It’s not me anymore. Whilst I may be a flirt I am not about taking it further just for the sake of it.

I have to try and forge a new direction, I want to try and experience new things. I want to be able to say that today I did something for the first time and above all else I want to stop this negative thinking about myself that other people have turned into a habit.

So lets start again working my way back up and not forgetting who I am, what I am and that I AM WORTHY!

Hi I’m Garry aka Moosey/Mooseman and I have depression.

Tomorrow we begin Operation Fuck The Haters and those who are not with me are not coming for the ride!

Wanting to be loved is my only crime and if that really is a crime what a sad world we live in!

Shattered But Not Broken

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Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!

Re-Educating Myself

I am starting from scratch again lately trying to remember what it is I can offer people and the world in general having gone through a stage where my confidence was shot to pieces by the actions of others.

It has been a hard journey!

Not only did I forget about my good attributes but I also forgot the steps I had taken previously in dealing with the black dog of depression, foregoing my recovery in the name of wallowing and self pity.

Self loathing, self hatred and general lacking self esteem are tools designed to keep you sinking further into the darkness but what makes it worse is when it is brought about by outside influences that really should be kept at a distance for the sake of your own sanity.

Talk to me, ignore me, pretend I don’t exist it no longer matters to me anymore. I have a fantastic support network who can now see through my acting but, more importantly, they allow me to come out of the malaise at my own leisure without adding pressure. There is nothing better than knowing that someone is content to sit and listen to you, allowing you to let it all out safe in the knowledge that they are not judging you and are genuinely caring about you.

Some people have had so much shit from me thrown at them and stuck to me like glue, whereas others have turned their backs on me, forgetting the good and using the bad as an excuse.

Fuck them is my attitude now, focusing on those who want to walk alongside me is the biggest change I have made recently as well as reaching out again to those people I know are having issues.

I am learning new techniques I use as coping and/or defence mechanisms which are not necessarily good things and need altering. It seems that when I am on the downward slide I tend to push myself further to reach bottom quicker, the sooner I hit bottom the quicker I can work back up again seems to the method to the madness but this means I tend to go from one extreme to the other often within a matter of hours.

Back to the drawing board there I think could be worthwhile BUT it does appear to work for me at the moment, although I would imagine it drives people mad, especially my Facebook friends with the changing mood status updates :D

For now I am seeing things very clearly, and remembering that Garry has lots of positive things, that far outweigh the negatives. I can offer lots to people if only I take that step back at times from the thoughts of being worthless and useless because it really is utter bullshit.

Self evaluation is a bitter task at times but one that really does need doing, it is vital to look at yourself and focus on what you bring to the table rather than allowing the depression to trick you into believing you are nothing but a drain on people and their lives.

What I am learning the most at the moment is that looking for answers is not the best option, I am now working on asking the right question instead of searching for answers that are not forthcoming.

It is not a case of “why?” or “how?” things have happened but more about “what can I do?”

I need to bring about changes myself rather than sitting back and waiting for it to happen naturally. By changing the questions I ask I can bring about a different direction and path for me to travel, be it alone or with someone to enjoy the roller coaster ride.

But more importantly I will be taking people with me who want to be there and that is the biggest realisation, that there are people who want to be there with me.

I’m happy now to wave goodbye to the people who no longer want me around, those who use me for their own gain when it suits them and generally every person who has let me down, because the confidence I have in myself as a person is returning. I don’t have to accept things as they are, I can do something about them and that is what I intend to do from this moment on.

People will always come and go, but the ones who stick around even after you push them away are to be treasure, others who give in and don’t want to be around you, for whatever reason, will only drain you and drag you down. Cut them out and move alone, surrounding yourself with friends is much better than surrounding yourself with people!

I am a good person, I have lots of qualities that are good but I am human and I do make mistakes from time to time, the thing with me is that I do not hide from my mistakes and try to rectify them, some people just want to focus on the errors and not the good things.

So if you feel upset by my mistakes but are not willing to accept an apology, or try to solve the problem keep walking away, don’t look back because all you will see is me heading into the distance and by then it is too late. I am no longer taking that backward glance or slowly walking in your direction.

I am confident enough in my own qualities that around the corner is someone who will appreciate me for me, and I have enough friends and support to not need people in my life who want to drag me down.

Cutting ties is not as hard for me as you may think…

It Might Be Wrong But Its Right For Me

I have spent so much time focusing on the future and what it may bring, as well as dwelling on the past that I have forgotten about the most important aspect – the here and now.

Running at 200 mph into a future because I’m scared of what the present holds has only succeeded in making me feel worse because I’m constantly second guessing what may or may not happen.

So over the past few days I have been trying to focus on standing still rather than walking and/or running. Trying to process the present and what can be done to improve it.  To be perfectly honest thus far I have come up with zilch!

Lets be brutally honest at the moment I am on that slippery downwards spiral but hopefully the returning medication will start taking full effect again and I can begin to refocus on my own mental well being – rather than trying to help other people with their own issues. People who then drop me like a stone when I need them the most..

Distracting myself from me only helps numb the pain temporarily and as people are increasing dropping out of my life at the moment (unless they need me to help them) it really is time I became more selfish.

Time has come for me to do absolutely nothing  and wait for things to come to me rather than trying to force the issues.

I have zero expectations of anything good happening right now, nor do I have any inclination to enforce any change.  From now on I’m just going to sit still and watch the world go by.

But a word of caution…. please do not ask me how I am doing, or if I’m okay.

No Comment is the answer to either question because I don’t want to talk about things, I just want to let things happen naturally – right or wrong I no longer care.

So call me selfish, call me a miserable bastard or call me whatever you want because from now on I’m focusing only on what I think is right for me.  Whether you agree or not I have been too reliant on other people and I need to remember that the only person who can help me is me.

 

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I can wait forever for things, especially when they are right for me…..

I am trying to force things to happen too often and to the detriment of my mental health. Now I sit and wait confident that my luck will change once I stop expecting it too.

Waiting is a stubborn mans game – and I can be pretty damn stubborn when needed…Giving-Up-4

and as we all know – giving up is not an option….

Nothing to Aim for…..

Now the runs that had kept me busy for the past few months are over my mood has completely bottomed out again. The excitement of pushing myself towards the finishing line has been replaced by the sense of having no purpose and nothing to aim for again.

Flooding back is the sense of failure because I can’t get my arse into gear and find something constructive to do with my time. As much as I enjoyed the gym there was a purpose to my efforts, now I can’t motivate myself to go!

I seem to have lost my mojo again!

photo credit: Google Images

photo credit: Google Images

Maybe I need to sign up for next years 10k run, at least then I will have something to look forward to again.

If only I had £28 spare….

In other news tomorrow I get to finally meet someone who means a lot to me for their support and encouragement over the past 12 months. Assuming they turn up of course as meeting the moose in the real world can be quite scary!

Shin Splints, Shits and Success

another medal for moosey

another medal for moosey

 

I can now hang up my running vest, consign the running shoes to the bin and retire gracefully from the running malarkey that has consumed my life for the past few weeks.

Or can I?

Either way I signed up for the Bupa 10k run in October in one of my hyper moods and today I achieved my only target which was to finish the race!

Struggling with shin splints I had to make 2 emergency IBS related toilet stops and a visit to St John’s Ambulance for some pain killers, which made a big difference to my finishing time, but the time taken was irrelevant what mattered was that I finished! There were around 12000 runners and I finished in the top 10000!

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I also raised over £500 for Mind which I know they will be so appreciative off so a massive thank you to those who kindly sponsored me, especially as I know that money is very tight for a lot of people. The support some of you show me is nothing short of inspiring and I am very humbled by the words of encouragement and praise that people shower on me!

Onward and upwards to the next challenge, I fancy a sky dive next time around. At least that will only hurt when I hit the ground as opposed to every step but who knows this running bug may drive me on to something more next year…

If you wish to sponsor me you can still do so via http://www.justgiving.com/garrywilliams

As for me, I am going to allow myself to feel incredible pride at another achievement Moosey has done since having depression. See you at the start line next year?