I am starting from scratch again lately trying to remember what it is I can offer people and the world in general having gone through a stage where my confidence was shot to pieces by the actions of others.
It has been a hard journey!
Not only did I forget about my good attributes but I also forgot the steps I had taken previously in dealing with the black dog of depression, foregoing my recovery in the name of wallowing and self pity.
Self loathing, self hatred and general lacking self esteem are tools designed to keep you sinking further into the darkness but what makes it worse is when it is brought about by outside influences that really should be kept at a distance for the sake of your own sanity.
Talk to me, ignore me, pretend I don’t exist it no longer matters to me anymore. I have a fantastic support network who can now see through my acting but, more importantly, they allow me to come out of the malaise at my own leisure without adding pressure. There is nothing better than knowing that someone is content to sit and listen to you, allowing you to let it all out safe in the knowledge that they are not judging you and are genuinely caring about you.
Some people have had so much shit from me thrown at them and stuck to me like glue, whereas others have turned their backs on me, forgetting the good and using the bad as an excuse.
Fuck them is my attitude now, focusing on those who want to walk alongside me is the biggest change I have made recently as well as reaching out again to those people I know are having issues.
I am learning new techniques I use as coping and/or defence mechanisms which are not necessarily good things and need altering. It seems that when I am on the downward slide I tend to push myself further to reach bottom quicker, the sooner I hit bottom the quicker I can work back up again seems to the method to the madness but this means I tend to go from one extreme to the other often within a matter of hours.
Back to the drawing board there I think could be worthwhile BUT it does appear to work for me at the moment, although I would imagine it drives people mad, especially my Facebook friends with the changing mood status updates :D
For now I am seeing things very clearly, and remembering that Garry has lots of positive things, that far outweigh the negatives. I can offer lots to people if only I take that step back at times from the thoughts of being worthless and useless because it really is utter bullshit.
Self evaluation is a bitter task at times but one that really does need doing, it is vital to look at yourself and focus on what you bring to the table rather than allowing the depression to trick you into believing you are nothing but a drain on people and their lives.
What I am learning the most at the moment is that looking for answers is not the best option, I am now working on asking the right question instead of searching for answers that are not forthcoming.
It is not a case of “why?” or “how?” things have happened but more about “what can I do?”
I need to bring about changes myself rather than sitting back and waiting for it to happen naturally. By changing the questions I ask I can bring about a different direction and path for me to travel, be it alone or with someone to enjoy the roller coaster ride.
But more importantly I will be taking people with me who want to be there and that is the biggest realisation, that there are people who want to be there with me.
I’m happy now to wave goodbye to the people who no longer want me around, those who use me for their own gain when it suits them and generally every person who has let me down, because the confidence I have in myself as a person is returning. I don’t have to accept things as they are, I can do something about them and that is what I intend to do from this moment on.
People will always come and go, but the ones who stick around even after you push them away are to be treasure, others who give in and don’t want to be around you, for whatever reason, will only drain you and drag you down. Cut them out and move alone, surrounding yourself with friends is much better than surrounding yourself with people!
I am a good person, I have lots of qualities that are good but I am human and I do make mistakes from time to time, the thing with me is that I do not hide from my mistakes and try to rectify them, some people just want to focus on the errors and not the good things.
So if you feel upset by my mistakes but are not willing to accept an apology, or try to solve the problem keep walking away, don’t look back because all you will see is me heading into the distance and by then it is too late. I am no longer taking that backward glance or slowly walking in your direction.
I am confident enough in my own qualities that around the corner is someone who will appreciate me for me, and I have enough friends and support to not need people in my life who want to drag me down.
Cutting ties is not as hard for me as you may think…