Asking For Help – Eventually

Okay I will admit it, I am pretty fucked up at the moment, and by pretty fucked up I mean REALLY REALLY fucked.

Denial of how bad things are in mooseland has reached breaking point and “fake it till you make it” just does not work for me so grudgingly I went to the Dr today. Garry made an intervention on behalf of moose if you will….

So what exactly is wrong?

in simple terms – FUCK KNOWS..

I am in a mess if truth be told and hiding has become a specialty, hiding away in bed from the world outside, barely setting foot outside the flat, still I guess in someways it can be seen as progress that I am actually sleeping in the bed and not the sofa… I am averaging about 18 hours a day in bed at the moment not all sleeping, lots of frankly bizarre dreams which wake me up a lot. It is unusual that I remember my dreams as it is but lately some of them are just insane. The theme of them has changed recently but not for the better! Before they were constantly about Sheryl, now they all revolve around me being alone with no where to turn. I would love to describe them fully but to be honest they freak me out a bit..

I am tired of fighting constantly, fighting to keep going forwards when I feel like I am in reverse. It feels like I am in a boxing fight with my hands tied behind my back and my energy levels are at an all time low.

It seems the harder I try to move on with life and fight the worse things get!

On top of this is a few revealing insights that have been given me to, all meant in the right way yet devastating in the truth that lies within them

I do try to be a good person and to help others, but is there really a hidden agenda behind my willingness to do this?

Do I really just help others because I want them to notice that I need help?

Do I really push people away to see who comes back? if this is the case how many times can I keep doing it before I end up with nothing and no one?

I know I am desperate for therapy and help but its still not forthcoming from the mental health team. It is nearly 2 years since I was referred to them and in all this time I have had 2 appointments. One was a 30 minute chat with a cpn who simple said I was not bipolar – I still have my doubts about that! and the other was with a psychologist in November who said I would hear from them “soon”. Thankfully my dr is writing to them today to try and chase this up as she can see that I would benefit from therapy and that I am getting worse and not better.

Is the only way to get help for mental health problems to access them via  A and E? thankfully I am not considering a visit there anytime soon but how long is soon for fucks sake.

I need help and I need it sooner rather than later

and worryingly this is just the tip of the iceberg…..for now lets hope doubling up my medication will have some effect or have I just become immune to them now as well….

 

 

 

Operation Get My Arse In Gear Is All Systems Go

Despite the year starting as the last one finished I have now started the process of getting my shit together again and trying to move forwards, making up for lost time spent under a black cloud the past few weeks.

Today I went back to the Dr and finally told them how things REALLY are and what a struggle it has been, and still is to an extent. The great thing about doing this blog is that I can go back over the posts and spot the signs of when things are heading downhill so I am fully aware when the cycle changes from average to shit again. Okay maybe sometimes they are good too…

This week has been really positive in terms of shaping the future, short term at least because that is what needs concentrating on.

It is amazing how much the mood can turn when someone goes out of their way for you, my confidence has gone through the roof since miss cougar stayed. It was lovely to realise that I AM attractive and do have something to offer and that feeling of the shackles being snapped off in terms of the past few months was as much as a relief as knowing I do not have blue balls anymore…..

I have wallowed in low self esteem for too long, but in many ways I tend to force myself to rock bottom from time to time and I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to my depression. If I ever get of the fucking waiting list for therapy I will make sure this is explored further.

Speaking of therapy, surely almost 2 years of waiting is long enough? In that time I have had 2 “initial assessments” but the wait goes on.. something that I mentioned to my GP today.

I have a few ambitions for this year, money allowing and want to visit some places in the UK at some point. Once I get these poxy loans paid off I intend to start booking train tickets. I especially want to visit Newcastle as I have a HUGE thing for the geordie accent so would be in heaven up there. Bournemouth, Ireland and Liverpool (Irish and scouse accents are 2 and 3 on my list!) are also must see places this year for me. So any readers with a spare room and a love for jack daniels and cleaning up moose sick please get in touch!

As far as the loans go it is amazing how people with such bad credit get accepted in the first place but I have managed to clear 2 so far with 2 to go, I am touched at the people who sent me donations via this blog which were used to clear some of the payments off.  I am working my butt off to clear the others asap. Another example of being my own worst enemy. I am pleased that there is only one arsehole who tries to put me down via this blog, Asylum Heaven kindly fuck off with the comments they are trashed before approval anyway. Most people are not judgmental and understand  the issues I have are linked to my cycles of depression but for those who want to try and make me feel worse with your comments..I wouldnt waste your time because your comments wont be approved so you are wasting your time.

Things are improving day by day, I am in contact with more people and have had a few visitors to Moose Mansion already this year with a big one next weekend when a great friend from Ireland is coming to stay! It is important to have something to look forward to and I know she cannot wait to spend time with me :D

Being famoose does have it perks! I will be strolling into Macdonalds with her using the old “dont you know who I am?” line to get a free bigmac or 2, failing that I will be walking out with more straws than I will ever need, who doesn’t love a freebie!

While I remember I have a facebook page that you should like if you are on there – for no other reason than I am a numbers whore click here to find it and share with the world! I am also still looking for guest posts for this blog, on any subject about depression, how you deal with it, if you look after someone with depression, how you cope with a partner etc etc

I love being able to give people a voice and cannot recommend enough trying to write to release some shit from your chest, it has worked wonders for me time and time again so dont be shy get in touch and send me your words of magic!

As we leave January behind and enter February remember that the year has still only just begun, things can get better if we give ourselves a little time and not expect overnight change – hard as that can be at time.

Here is hoping that I can create plenty of memories this year to share with you, even involving some of you as well – what would be better than a mooseketeers get together in London at some point!  Imagine that we can all wear something moose related and take the big smoke by storm!

And if miss cougar is reading this….maybe you can work some magic on the antlers this weekend!

flaccid-moose

 

I Forgot…Now I Remember

So in between the worst week in memory I suddenly was hit by a thunderbolt.

Oprah Winfrey was on the Jonathan Ross show last night here in the UK and said something that hit me right between the eyes.

She told about how she was sexually abused at 14 and ended up pregnant, she lost that baby and her father told her

“You have been given a second chance, DON’T WASTE IT”

She said it was there and then that she knew that she wanted to help others using her experience.

This was the reason that I started blogging, to help other people by sharing my daily battles.

It took a kind message from someone on Facebook (you can add me here to remind me that people DO care about what I have to say and that it DOES help others.

For those regular and long-term readers you may have noticed every now and again that I have a degree in wallowing and self loathing.  It stems from years of rejection by various people and sometimes the walls we have had built for 20+ years need to be pulled down and rebuilt. Rebuilt with better materials, modernised to allow people in…

The problem I have is that I take every little rejection personal. Someone who I thought was a good friend has just dropped me like a stone which hit me hard, where I go wrong is that I forget that it is the other party that has issues and not me (all the time!)

I like to go that extra mile for people and forget to look after myself properly, although being concerned for other people is a good thing in my eyes. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, and when people do send praise my way to accept it. Dismissing praise is a bad habit and one I need to work on – so keep the praise coming, all in the name of research of course.

The point though is that this blog has had nearly 80,00 views with an average of 100 views a day. This means people look up to me, sometimes this idea blows me away that I have so much interest in little old moosey. I do have a sense of purpose, I WANT to be viewed as someone who people can look at as an example of how depression can ruin your life but still somehow we survive, even if at times the dark can be overwhelming.

I focus on what I want not what I need. What I want is often not obtainable because it is out of my control, what I need is what I allow to come to me. The world has a way of bringing things/people into your life when you least expect it. I am now working on allowing nature to take its course, or God’s plan to show rather than forcing everything.

When people are struggling yet take the time out to message me with ideas, advice, the offer of an ear it shows that I do actually have more than I admit at times. While I expect too much from people I know that this is an unrealistic approach to life, there are lots of people who message me via social media to offer warmth, sincerity or a swift boot up the backside!

I focus on those who DON’T contact me….. from this moment on that will change.

If I am so forgettable to them then surely that means they are forgettable to me right?

I need to fill my days again, the worst thing that happened to me and my recovery was having to quit the gym because it helped me so much, enhanced confidence at the weight loss but more importantly I was leaving the flat and doing things everyday.

The question again today is WHEN will I get better and no longer WHY wont I get better.

And who would’ve thought that Oprah Winfrey would be my inspiration…

One final thing, I want to extend a huge thank you to the person who donated to me today via the paypal option on the home page. It humbled me that you would be so generous and means the world to me!

especially for any runners behind me in the races

Why Do You Share EVERYTHING?

A question I was asked earlier today based upon a tweet I sent.

IBStweet

 

As I walking home from the shop earlier today I was lucky enough to shit myself!

So why tweet about it? share it on facebook? and blog about it? after all it really is a bit of a shitty subject isn’t it!

Who really wants to hear about someone who’s life is ruined by not being able to control his bowels?

But what if there is just one person out there who has the same condition and can’t talk about it with anyone?

what if they see what I have written and it makes them seek help?

This is why I hold nothing back on my blog. I want to be able to help someone.

Embarrassment does not keep me awake at night, my issues are all brought about by my own criticisms of myself.  What people think about me is not a factor in my mental health because I can guarantee that I think less of me than anyone out there.

Regular, and older, readers of this blog know I talk about issues that a lot of men dare speak about. From erection problems to bowel issues if I suffer with it I will share it because all it takes it just one person to get the ball rolling and suddenly it is not so taboo.

I would like to think I have earned respect from people as a result of my openness , in almost a year of blogging I have never received a negative message from anyone about the subject matters I write about.

What is embarrassing to others is, unfortunately, everyday live for me. Depression and the stigma attached to it is nothing compared to the suffering of IBS. All the blood tests and other tests have shown that I am not intolerant of foods and that it’s all stress/anxiety related, yet I carry on regardless because I inspire to help other people. Where I let myself down is post accident where I let my confidence suffer and get drawn back down.

My concern comes from the runs (yes in more ways than one am I concerned by runs!) I have to do this month. Not content with the Bupa 10k run on 27th I have also signed up for The Superhero Run a week earlier. What if I have an accident on the way round the course?

Well thank God for my sense of humour!

I may just order this t-shirt from vistaprint to cover that eventuality (I designed it earlier!)

especially for any runners behind me in the races

especially for any runners behind me in the races

So if you find a post on here that you find embarrassing, remember that it is something I have to deal with. If I have to suffer than other people are suffering as well.

This Moose is an all guns blazing kinda mammal and deep down I suspect you would not want me any other way!

Don’t Talk…Just Listen

Have you wanted to reach out to someone with depression but didn’t know what to say or how to act?

Try saying nothing beyond the opening contact.

Giving someone the opportunity to vent is a great gift. Saying “how are you?” and genuinely meaning that you’re ready to hear more than the standard “I’m OK” is what sets you apart from other people.

If someone contacts me to ask how am I it normally gets the standard “fine” response depending on my feelings that day. Do you just accept that and think “well I made some effort”? and move on from there?

It is a natural human reaction after all, but how many times have you followed that up by letting the person know if they want to talk then you are there for them?

It is a difficult position to be in because you feel like you may need to give advice to something that makes you feel uncomfortable, or simply because you are worried about saying the wrong thing.

This is where it is good to just allow the person to get things of their chest. I often don’t want to open up to you to get advice or sympathy but simply to unload things. Getting it off my chest makes me feel better in a matter of minutes because it means I am not keeping it inside waiting for the bomb to go off.

Offering an outlet for your friend, or family member, gives them the chance to feel better. Something this simple is often overlooked, often because people feel they are likely to open Pandora’s box of problems but it is very rarely that this is the case.

Another issue with people who have depression is the impression that they are all about depression! I have depression but I am still Garry, I can still talk about other things besides depression and how I am feeling. There seems to be the feeling that once we are suffering from depression it is all we want to talk about, believe me that is far from the case but without the interaction from other people it doesn’t give us much opportunity to discuss other things.

One thing I am proud of since starting this blog is the number of people who feel like they can open up to me about their problems knowing that I will not judge them or belittle them. More often than not I offer zero in terms of productive advice I simply allow them to have a space to vent.

Sometimes saying nothing is the most helpful thing you can do.

It’s not the fact that you can instantly make my depression better with your words of wisdom that matters, it is the fact you care enough about me to really be interested in how I am.

Remember people say I have depression, not I am depressed. There is a big difference between the two statements. Be there, offer words of comfort and understanding if required. Usually we know what needs to be done but need to work this out for ourselves at times. What matters is knowing you have our backs when the times comes for us to need you.

Image credit: Google images

Image credit: Google images

Dial-a-moose

I have been thinking of ways I can support other people especially those in a position where they feel like they have no one to turn to in times of desperation.

With that in mind I have a mobile phone contract up for renewal and have decided that I want to do more for people and use the number as a little support option for people to ring me or text me if they need someone to talk to.

It would be nice if people could have a number they could text or call if they felt the samiritans could not help them wouldn’t it?

But…

Is it something people would be interested in or am I just overestimating my abilities to help others? Is it too much of a commitment?

I am well aware of amount of work involved but feel like it could benefit other people if there was someone at the end of a phone who knew what they were feeling or going through.

Interested to hear your feedback because I would love to be able to reach out and help more people.

 

The Moose Strikes Back

I have lost my light saber so cannot take a picture and recreate the image from the empire strikes back so just use your imagination.

Today I am all over the place with restlessness up and down more times than a whore’s knickers but strangely I feel incredibly positive.

There are a million and one ideas flying around my head today and nearly every single one is about how I can help other people.

Be it just a gentle tweet of encouragement or a message to someone I feel like I have plenty to offer people in their own battles and I hope people know that if they ever feel alone I am always a tweet, DM or email away.

Now the issue is what to do with all these ideas in terms of settling on just one and making it work as opposed to starting loads of things. My brain doesn’t work too well with lots of unfinished things going on so while I work out the next project or plan of action I am going to focus on making YOU feel better. How does that sound?

I actually really want to start a new book maybe a second part of the diary is due the feeling of pride you get from turning your random posts into a paperback that inspires others is hard to explain.

So how can I help you today?

Talking or Listening?

What helps people with mental health issues more?

someone talking about their issues or having someone to listen while YOU open up?

I have not written much recently because I have really tried hard to be there for other people lately. Whilst my issues are still there I get so much out of helping others. People contact me via this blog or via twitter or sometimes I reach out to them myself. I know how much a simple message from someone can help bring even a tiny bit of comfort or hope.

Naturally it is down to my misguided belief that I can help people after all I am pretty messed up myself but recently I can feel my old self returning. I really should think about looking into courses for counselling or something because it is becoming a real area of interest for me but I am just not clever, patient and able to deal with anything educational. Now don’t get me wrong I am intelligent in my own way but as I have mentioned before I have always been more street smart than academic.

I have to admit it is so nice that someone feels like they can open up to you because you have been through a similar experience, or simply because they know you will not judge them, talk down to them or even because you will just allow them to vent in your inbox!

Some days I don’t want to talk about myself and my battle and on days like this I much prefer listening to others and hopefully helping them.

I guess I am just lucky that other people’s problems do not trigger me in anyway. If anyone ever feels alone and needs someone to talk to please don’t be afraid to message me. You can contact me here

What would be nice though is if I could use the advice I give to others for myself but is that not always the case!

What do you prefer? talking or listening?

“Famoose”

Yep you read that right after yesterdays shenanigans I am now famous, or to spell it correctly famoose!

Well that of course is not true in any sense but it sure as hell was an exciting day, luckily I was prepared today for being back to “normal” and had no expectations of a repeat performance. This is an important step for me though because usually I would have been on a complete negative day today trying to live up to the figures of yesterday.

It appears I am finally making progress with the negativity that plagues me!

Of all the symptoms of depression this is my biggest challenge, trying to fight the inner demons of feeling like a failure and so this week I make a pact with myself to focus on the positive of everything that I attempt for the whole of the week.

It is a big challenge but one I am determined to do because I feel it will help me the most with my recovery if I can remain positive, or at the very least be more positive than negative.

It will involved looking at things from an entirely new perspective but should be an interesting opportunity to really take stock of how far I have come in 6 months.

Here is a top 10 list of things I can be positive about in the 6 months since my diagnosis

  1. Helping other people with depression
  2. Inspiring people to write blogs to help themselves
  3. Attempting to raise money for Mind through Stepping into the Light – Poems from the Darkness book
  4. Learning how to self publish books
  5. Learning how to communicate with my wife about my problems
  6. Asking for help when I need it
  7. Making new friends via WordPress, Facebook and Twitter – more new friends in a real sense not a gaming friend who I never speak to.
  8. Letting go of things from my past that have held me back – like visiting my Uncles old home
  9. Being open and honest about my illness instead of holding it all in
  10. Accepting that I have an illness and trying to beat it rather than wallowing in the self pity state I lived in for 18 months previously

Thats not bad for starters is it?

And best of all I can still accept yesterday as a great day without it impacting on the rest of my week and how I feel.

Onwards and Upwards folks for tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new challenges.

Finding My Role

Something interesting happened to me on twitter yesterday that surprised and delighted me at the same time.

I received a message in my inbox from someone who wanted me to contact someone she followed because she was concerned about his tweets and the content of them.

Why is this a good thing? well to me it is fantastic because it means I am getting known as someone who can help others with depression. This is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place after all.

It was a really proud moment for me!

I spoke to the man and gave him the link for the depression questionnaire and he was surprise at his score. It had never occurred to him that he could have depression as he himself said

I guess my vision of a severely depressed person was someone who had just stopped living life all together,never leaving their home.”

Job done by the moose he intends to see his GP and talk to them about how he feels etc.

It is hard to describe how happy it made me that someone came to me to help someone else.

I really enjoy that aspect of this blog, I certainly do better helping other people than I do myself at times.

I just wish I knew where I could go in terms of my role. I would like consider myself as a writer but lets be honest I am not that good and the depression always rears its negative side when it comes to sales figures. It cannot be helped it is just human nature and something that will never change in my head until the sales are so high I can just sit back and count the money :D

Or am I happy to help other people?  I sure do like it but I am not a professional and just someone coping with the illness, some days not very well.

Either way there needs to be something in my future where I can combine my writing and helping others and earn a living in the process!

Today I am in a good place and all negative thoughts have been locked away in the cupboard and I intend to keep them there for a while.