Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

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Holiday and Miss Naughty….

Back home from the beautiful Isle of Wight and I feel relaxed, which is surprising considering how much I was panicking about coming back home to an empty flat again.

The batteries have been nicely recharged and I am ready to move forward into the next big challenge for me, finding a job. I have worked in retail, in sales, as a provident agent (which could be a blog all by itself!) – for those who don’t know what provident are they are a company that offer cash loans at sky-high interest rates which agents then go round to their houses on a weekly basis to collect installments. I was also a teaching assistant but have been out of work for 3 years unless I can claim that I was a self-employed blogger, author and mental health campaigner…

To be perfectly honest I would be willing to be an arse wiper for a sumo wrestler with the shits if it meant I was earning a wage! I just want to get back out there again and earn some money.

Back to the holiday..

The Isle of Wight is a beautiful place with lots of nice beaches and some stunning scenery and I cannot recommend a visit highly enough, shame about the cost of the ferry to get there but it is worth staying a week or so to lose yourself in the calmness and beauty of the place.

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Taken on Brading Downs

The Needles at Alum Bay

The Needles at Alum Bay

coloured sand at Alum bay

coloured sand at Alum Bay

coloured sand at Alum Bay

I am very happy to have spent some quality time with my twin brother David and his wife Debbie and can’t wait for next years visit – although I haven’t told them that yet..

The island is bloody expensive though as it is geared towards tourism but the best £4 spent was on this… especially when I saw the look of horror on Brandon, David, Debbie and Jacob’s faces as I disappeared for a while and came back looking like this..

money well spent! yes I'm a big kid at heart..

money well spent! yes I’m a big kid at heart..

although to be fair I did feel slightly sorry for all the little kids queuing up waiting for their face to be painted while a 34-year-old man sat in the chair….

I am now ready for the next chapter of my life to begin and hopefully I find work sooner rather than later, I am getting the bug to travel now having had my first holiday since 2006 and there are plans in the pipeline to go further afield….

Moving forward is the next step and I intend to go 2 steps at a time to make up for lost time once someone takes a chance on me and gives me a job!

Meanwhile I have been having a wonderful time getting to know Miss Naughty who has kept me thoroughly entertained over the past week since she contacted me via this blog, it is nice to feel attractive again and lots of fun learning about someone new who wants to spend time communicating with me. Thank you “Bridget”  for making me laugh and smile a lot , and taking my mind off other stuff that had been threatening to bring me down again!

The future is starting to look brighter again once I can fully learn to stop looking behind me on what has been, focusing on what I can do and what changes I can make is the goal from here on in…

Buckle up for the ride folks it may well get bumpy but with some amazing people behind me ready to pick me up if I fall how the hell can I not succeed?

Thank you again David and Debbie for having Brandon and I for the week, I appreciate it a lot, its great to have a close relationship with you both again – another positive to take from recent events!

Nowhere To Hide

The whole point of this holiday was to escape from the issues back home, to try to clear my head and focus on moving forwards without you. Accepting that you don’t want me was the idea..to spend quality time with Brandon and David and his family.

Except I haven’t been allowed to switch off

So why ring me on 3 of the first 4 days?  In total I have had 4 phone calls in the time I have spent here, sure I get that Lilybet has missed her dad but then when she misses me and I’m back home I don’t get called this often to speak to her!

Are you ringing me because you miss me? if so for the love of God just say that and yet when I attempt to strike up a conversation with you via text you just ignore me after 2 messages, so it has to be when you want to talk to me and not the other way round?

I just don’t have you down as someone who plays games, the Sheryl I used to know wasn’t like this but maybe this is the new you?

You’re either reaching out to me in your own way or just simply trying to head fuck me, I would like to think it’s the former not the latter but to be perfectly honest I really do not know anymore but what I do know is that I deserve better than to be played like this when you know how vulnerable I am when it comes to you and Lilybet.

Even not answering your phone calls isn’t an option for me because I don’t want to upset Lilybet by not answering in case it is her calling.

So let me make this perfectly clear for the final time

Do I miss you and want you home? yes I really do

Am I sitting around waiting forever? not a chance, I am trying to move on with my life and get my head straight

You ended the marriage (via text!) not me, you told me you don’t love me anymore, you walked away, you took off your wedding rings after two days.

If you want me then YOU have to put the effort in to show me with actions not words, and if you don’t want that (as you have already said) then stop fucking with my head and my heart because it is simply not fair.

 

Moosey on Holiday

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Moose and his twin brother

It feels so good being away from reality and my crappy life inside the four walls of misery, or home as it’s more commonly known. Being surrounded by family is awesome, having people to talk to or simply just laugh at is good for the soul and reminds me how much of a people person I am!

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is it a bird? a plane? no it’s supermoose

It’s also a good reminder to me of how far I have come over the past few months, going from being a recluse to surrounding myself with great company as well as bonding with my brother and his wife, both have been a tower of strength for me recently and I’m so pleased I have come down.

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Debbie my sister-in-law

Although I feel bad that this is the first time I have been to visit them for 12 years!! still good things come to those who wait :D

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treating myself to a new top and feeling guilty in the process!

Hell I even treated myself to some new clothes yesterday, once I got over the guilty feeling of spending money on me for a change! oh and did I mention how good I am looking lately?

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not many people can carry off a hat like this – myself included :-)

The hat above was from the poundstore but you will be pleased to know I didn’t buy it – I just walked around the store wearing it :D

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Sandown Beach

Beautiful beach – the isle of wight has some amazing views, the landscape is amazing! Hopefully I will remember to take my camera out with me and get some photos at some point.

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had to be done…

no British holiday is complete without these sort of photos taken on the pier

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my figure before all the weight loss

told you i lost lots of weight, now im on the beach in a thong (photos available on request LOL)

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on the ferry

So here I am having a great time, relaxing (as much as my brain lets me) and trying to focus on clearing my head of the stresses of life – to a point its working because when you have people around you who love you it makes things that much easier!

Nothing To Say

nothingtosay

There really is nothing to say, things are good and my recovery continues.

The problem is each day repeating the one previous and losing track of the days because they are all the same.

The medication decrease is working fine and so is the therapy that I waited so long for, despite the emotional turmoil each session brings, but I am gaining more knowledge about the why’s and how’s of certain issues and this is very positive for when in terms of the blame game. Now at least I am learning that there are things beyond my control that will happen and to try and just roll with the punches as and when they arrive, rather than accepting the right and left hooks straight to the head!

Holiday time is almost here and in 2 days I will be just arriving on the Isle of Wight, I chose Friday as the day to go away as it is my wedding anniversary and thought it would be the perfect day to escape for a while, to be somewhere other than indoors on what should be a special day for me.

Luckily I will be around family in the shape of David, his wife Debbie, my nephew Jacob, and of course Brandon who is coming for our first proper holiday together.

All I need now is that change of luck/fortune to take the next step into moving forward with my life and leaving the hell of June and July behind me.

They say fortune favours the brave and I have certainly been that over the past few months…..

Keep On Keeping On

To coin a phrase the wonderful weegee likes to throw at me now and again….

Haven’t written for a few days and feel I should update you as to whats been happening in terms of depression and life for me the past week.

I can say quite openly and confidently that I am no longer depressed – yes you read that correctly!

What I am suffering now is the loneliness of being on my own, having no kids here bar the odd day here and there I am often alone in the flat. There is a massive difference between being depressed and being sad and alone. This is how I feel at the moment. There are times when I feel low and sad but these last for a few hours as opposed to days/weeks/months and I can live with that!

I just post a few little things to get them off my chest and move on…. simples :D

I had my final talk with the amazing Dr Dhanji on Monday before he goes to Australia (another GP sick of the red tape of the NHS and moving away). He was amazed at my progress and also proud of how far I have come despite the difficult times I have had in the past few months, which a year ago would have destroyed me mentally and sent me spiraling towards sectioning!

I told him exactly how I was feeling about being lonely, to be honest I find admitting I’m lonely harder than talking about depression.

And best of all he said that the time was right for me to stay on the reduced medication as things are going so well. I didn’t have any medication for a week following my OD and all was well, I am back taking the medication though before you panic.

 

Life is great but would be even better with someone to share the good times with, the fact that I go out on my own shows how well I am doing, but would be much more fun with someone to talk to beside Jack (Daniels)..

Here is a pic taken last week at the local pub..

Moose on a night out

Moose on a night out

 

Next Friday I head off for a holiday with Brandon and cannot wait to spend some quality time with him away from these four (freshly painted) walls , despite not having spending money (donations are still accepted LOL)

Going to stay with my twin brother and his wife and I am looking forward to it immensely the Isle of Wight here we come!

So if you see a post with negativity or melancholy undertones remember that it’s just me letting off some steam, the reality is that I will feel sad having gone from having a wife and children around to it suddenly being just me and the cats. It wont always be this way and in time things will be better, especially if I can get a grip on this issue of feeling isolated and alone.

I have some good friends, and great virtual friends who I know are a message away but please don’t always be a stranger, my door is always open to friends.

After all a stranger is a friend you have yet to meet….

Today i am off to see a therapist for the first time – gonna be interesting..

And now for some music…

 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

 

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