Attack of the ANTs

Only way to describe the past few days would be “a right shitty spell”.

The ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) have been working their hardest to break me and sadly for me I allowed them to get the best of me.

As much as I try to stay positive, every now and again I crash and burn. Usually in to a heap hidden under the duvet.

I don’t like asking for help, not because of the man issue but because the people who I consider close to me usually just fuck off and leave.

Thankfully I am not bitter, yeah right!,  and I have pushed people away recently but that had to be done for my own good.

The problem I have with ANTs is that it prevents me for being a good father, allow me to explain and you can all tell me how ridiculous I am being.

Elizabeth is only 4 years old, I only see her for a few hours a week although that has increased to 2 days a week because I miss her so much.

But

She tells me things that hurt, and I don’t always handle it very well. Here are some examples of things that she has said to me recently…

“Mummy told me she hates you”

“Mummy said she doesn’t love you”

“Mummy doesn’t want to talk to you”

“I wish mummy loved you and came home”

“I don’t love you”

“I dont want to see you”

so imagine how much that bothers me when I am already suffering from low self esteem and struggling to stay afloat at times.

I know it is not necessarily the truth but she must hear some of these things to come out with them, she couldn’t just pluck it out of thin air could she?

The problem is that when I am really down it makes it hard for me to see her because it upsets me, this then makes me feel like a shit dad because I am not spending enough time with her, which then sends me spiraling further. I didn’t see her last night because I felt so low.

Today is the first day since Saturday that I have felt “okay” which is an improvement believe me.

It helped that someone picked up the phone and called me, it really does make a difference to hear a voice as opposed to reading a message, some days I do not want to keep writing the same old shit. At times it feels like Groundhog Day with every day being the same. Whizz took time to call me and listen, it really made a difference and in my mind has helped me to feel better today.

I have said it many times before but I will repeat until people do it…

Pick up the phone and call someone. Talk to them and it will mean so much to that person. It was the first incoming call that was not my mum or Brandon’s mum in over a month!

As for Lilybet and her comments, I know I need to not focus on them and just enjoy our short time together. I cant help being a softie, I am lonely and this only increases my sadness.

But one thing she did say at the weekend which made me laugh

“Daddy you need to go out tonight and get a new girlfriend” so she picked out my outfit for the night…

The night was a disaster but thats another story for another time.

For now if anyone has any ANT killer please send it my way… oh and the ability to not be so damn miserable and alone would not be turned away either…

 

 

Making the Moose Out of Life

Dodgy pun aside the past few days have been wonderful as Lilybet has been staying with me since Wednesday evening and life is great. Having Brandon and Elizabeth with me really does a wonderful job of filling the void and I have loved every second of them both being here.

Brandon has been amazing the past few weeks, at 13 he has really shown a great deal of maturity in a difficult situation for the both of us, and assuming I can manage the finances I am treating him to a holiday next month as we have never had one together, donations are welcome LOL

Lilybet and I have been working on Operation Decoration and have a great time decorating the front room of the flat into a nice bright colour from the darker one previously, the front room looks bright and welcoming again to reflect my new state of mind and despite half the carpet now being a different colour the place is looking great! I have been impressed with  myself in terms of becoming domoosticated (domesticated) and keeping the flat clean and tidy.

 

I even managed to put her hair into ponytail LOL

I even managed to put her hair into ponytail LOL

 

Besides a little wobble on Saturday evening I am still maintaining my good mental health and have even started the decrease in medication this week without any problems! Wobbles are allowed, and I wont be too harsh on myself when they come because my wobbles these days last hours as opposed to days/weeks!

For an ugly bloke I have great looking kids :D

For an ugly bloke I have great looking kids :D

Its amoosing (amusing) to me how I could be so content with my kids around me when my world is upside down currently but they give me the strength to continue this path to recovery safe in the knowledge that “I love you Dad” is never far away, and what man doesn’t want to be told that!!

The good thing about having Lily for a few days is that it allows Sheryl time for a complete break as well and I hope she has had a good time, because I have had an amazing time and have been practicing my “crazy faces” with Lilybet as seen below, you all know by now I have no shame when it comes to photos but lately I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks because the man I see in the mirror now is someone I love and like after a long battle!

"crazy faces"

“crazy faces”

 

I have no idea whats around the corner right now, but frankly I don’t care because I can handle it all as long as my children love me.

Life is great and I love it!

Twinkle Twinkle

The ever shy Lilybet found the flip camcorder again and was very kind to allow me to film her again.

This time she is singing so you are very honoured to hear her!

She also appears to be suffering from too much energy as she is bouncing off the walls tonight LOL

 

Somewhere out there is an advertising company looking for a cute kid to be part of a commercial! well look no further!

Enjoy…

No Love like a Daughters Love

I am very lucky to have wonderful children and they certainly help me in my recovery - especially my daughter “Lilybet” who at the age of 3 has Daddy well and truly wrapped around her little finger!

The poor thing is desperate for dance classes which are well out of our budget but she happily dances away and likes to show of her ballet skills – mainly taught to her by Angelina Ballerina and not her twinkled toed father!

With that in mind once she found our mini camcorder today she insisted that I interview her whilst she showed off her ballet, naturally in her outfit! a girl’s gotta look the part after all!

and here it is for you to enjoy

 

oh and btw this was not scripted she came out with this all herself!

and for those who really wanna see the moose in a tutu

31837-Masculine-Moose-Ballerina-Dancing-Ballet-In-A-Pink-Tutu-Up-On-Tippy-Toes

Lilybet the Therapist

image

The amazing picture above was done by Lilybet at nursery today.

Everyday she comes home with a painting for Daddy but today’s painting was more special than the others.

When Sheryl asked her what it was my 3 year old princess replied “it is for Daddy to look at when he is moody!”

She is such a daddies girl its a beautiful thing! She always looks after me.

One day I asked her why she looks after me so much and she said “because I don’t want you to fall apart as I don’t want a new daddy!”

Life is good when Queen Lilybet is looking out for her daddy!

Would it be wrong to exploit her and sell her work on ebay? :-)

Shamed by a 3 Year Old

As we all know Manflu is one of the most serious conditions out there with no known cure and that moose suffer from it terribly.

Day 4 of the illness and I have bravely pulled myself off my death bed to update you as to my well being.

This morning I woke up at 7.30am having finally gone to sleep at 5am!

Not content with being bunged up with a sore throat and a stinking headache i woke up with the worst pain in my bad knee since i had the operation in 2009 and could barely walk. Then I started the coughing which is never a good thing when you have the bowel problems i have! In fact at point I have to go and sit on the toilet to cough!

If a vet came to check on this moose he would be putting me down!

Remember to pray for moose!

Meanwhile Lilybet who is even worse than me is really trying to put on a brave face and show of things. Even while she was being sick she was smiling away and even tried running around like a normal 3 year old despite a temperature, really bad cough and blocked nose!

So you would expect the moose to be ashamed of his wallowing in self pity and dying on the sofa wouldn’t you!

But you would be wrong it’s all about me <evil laughter> pray for moose folks I need you!

sniff sniff cough cough woe me woe me etc etc

Lilybet Looks Like?

need help here please above are 2 photos of the beautiful Lilybet one with her ugly dad and one with her beautiful mum.

Who does she look like the most?

people say she looks like me (heaven help her!)

what do you think?

doesn’t matter either way just curious to see what others think

A Day in my Life With Depression

Using my beautiful daughter Elizabeth “Lilybet” I have created a story about living with depression and how each day contains different scenarios.

 

Happiness can sometimes seem like it is far away, in the distance and over the horizon.

 

 

You feel isolated, miserable and wondering where the next happy moment will come from.

Suddenly happiness edges closer to you tantalisingly within your grasp

 

 

Each day is like a bumpy ride

 

Emotions and moods swinging around the place

 

 

A day with ups and downs

 

 

some days you are up

 

But soon you feel on a downward slide

You can feel like you’re in a tunnel

 

And that there are some obstacles that seem impossible to overcome

 

But working hard, being brave and taking little steps, you can achieve anything

 

 

And accepting help you can remain on top

But at the end of the day working hard to combat depression brings with it some great rewards like falling asleep with loved ones