Internal Fighting, What Will Win?

It is kind of like the battle between good and the dark side, being pulled one side one day and to the other side the next!

It is draining me emotionally and mentally to the point where if I could switch off I would happily just walk away and not look back.

Heart vs head

Is there anything harder to try to separate? even more so when your mental health suffers as a result.

Where either consequence results in suffering.

It has been 7 months since Sheryl left and I still miss her terribly, the past few weeks has been hell because I have been dreaming about her almost nightly, same message albeit different scenarios. Bare in mind that over the last few years it is rare that I remember my dreams, yet each morning I wake up feeling like the dreams were real. This makes me feel disappointed, which sets me off on a down spiral again.

Then of course is the feeling that I should just forget about the whole fucking thing and move on with life, which is a lot easier said than done. Part of me feels the time is right to wash my hands of the whole sorry situation now, obviously as she wont talk to me, let alone see me it is what she wants me to do…. so why cant I?

There is something that still holds me back from making that last step but what is it?

Stubbornness? Love? Fear of what’s next?

Have not got a clue to be honest, dont know what to do next

What I do know is that the sooner this infighting stops the sooner I can concentrate on actually getting my life in some sort of order because right now this is taking up all my time, effort and energy just staying above water…

That being said, if all else fails….. some of you lovely readers must have a few single friends to send my way :D

 

Breakeven (Falling to pieces) – The Script

One song more than any other perfectly sums up how I feel lately..

 

“Breakeven”

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
(Oh I’m falling, falling)
I’m falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

Flutterby Damn Butterflies

I saw a photo today and straight away the butterflies returned…

This is why I HAD to remove all photos from the flat because the daily reminders were too painful, I would love to be able to have a look through the albums etc but just one single image and the cracks reappear.

If only she knew how I feel..

This is not going to be easy, especially as we approach my birthday at the end of the month and then Christmas.

I know I am weak, foolish and delusional.

I also know I still love her with every part of me.

Time is meant to be a great healer, hurry up time and let me heal.

Image Credit: Google

 

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

 

Shattered But Not Broken

images (5)

Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!

No Apologies…

I wont apologise for who I am, and the way sometimes I act.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and say things that I know you don’t want to hear, but it’s how I am. If I feel it I say it whether it needs to be said or not.

I told you how I feel and you chose to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t said – and that is fine, it doesn’t mean I will switch it off or keep holding on to any hope that you will one day change your mind and see me for who I am, what I could be, and how good things could be between us.

Yet I am still chasing hard, doggedly persistent because I know what i feel is true – as crazy that may be to you.

Yes I’m brash, annoying, needy, overwhelming at times and all manner of things but that is who I am and the good far outweighs the bad.

I can see you for who you are, beyond the exterior and into the person inside, and I like it!

There is something about you that I just cant walk away from, no matter how hard I have tried.

No matter how much I push you away you are still there…

So take me as I am, fault and all because the reward is you being treated like a queen. Fine I cannot offer you materialistic things, I have no money and no job, but what I can offer is arms to hold you, shoulders for you to cry on, hands to wipe away your tears, and a heart that’s longing for you.

Friendship, respect and love cost nothing but mean so much more than anything money can buy.

So yes, I may drive you mad but think about why…

Why don’t I just walk away when you so clearly state you don’t want what I can offer?

Because I can’t that’s why!

I wont apologise whatsoever for being me and I never will.

Take me as I am, the whole package, the good the bad and the ugly… It will be the best decision you ever make…

If you know anything about me it is that I never give up…

And one day you WILL see the potential in me..

 

I Hate….

I hate the way you walked away,

so easily and carefree,

I hate the way you could so readily,

Feel nothing over me.

 

I hate the fact I meant so little,

so easy to forget.

I hate the fact that I’m the only one hurting,

and you have no remorse or regret.

 

I hate the way you could move on,

without a backwards glance.

I hate the fact I tried so hard,

And you never gave it a second chance.

 

I hate the fact I cry at night,

While you’re out with friends having fun.

I hate the fact I always knew,

That you were my special one.

 

I hate the fact I can let go,

no matter how hard I have tried,

I hate the way you changed so much,

full of stubbornness and pride.

 

I hate the fact you do not care,

that the love we had has gone.

I hate the way you flicked a switch

and can just carry on.

 

I hate the fact that 3 months on,

I miss you more each day.

I hate knowing you ignore me,

never listening to what I have to say.

 

I hate the fact you treat me this way

and no matter what you do…

I hate knowing that despite all this

I can’t stop loving you!

The Ring…

Placed on my finger,

with tenderness and love,

In my head I hear a choir singing,

Like the angels up above.

 

 

A symbol of commitment,

For all the world to see,

I belong to you,

How it was always meant to be.

 

 

Worn with pride and happiness,

My own lucky charm,

With the ring on my finger,

I would come to no harm.

 

 

Love, honour and cherish,

In good or in bad health,

The ring once on my finger,

Sits in its box on the shelf.

 

 

My finger naked without it,

My heart broken and torn

The ring now in it’s box

Never again to be worn.

 

 

Time to move on,

Let go of the past,

I thought this was forever

Never dreamed it would not last.

 

 

The word “divorce” scares me,

But do what you need.

Let me go and find someone else

I have to be freed!

 

 

You made your choice,

You decided not to fight,

I can hold my head high

and say I tried with all my might.

 

 

Release me back into the world,

free from this torture and pain

Someone else with want me,

I will find love again!

 

 

The options are clear now,

Come home or stay away.

I’m ready for both choices,

It’s just another day!

 

 

But don’t keep me waiting,

Decide one way or the other.

Mistake number 1 was walking away,

Thinking I’m waiting forever will be another.

 

 

Image credit : Google

Image credit : Google