Internal Fighting, What Will Win?

It is kind of like the battle between good and the dark side, being pulled one side one day and to the other side the next!

It is draining me emotionally and mentally to the point where if I could switch off I would happily just walk away and not look back.

Heart vs head

Is there anything harder to try to separate? even more so when your mental health suffers as a result.

Where either consequence results in suffering.

It has been 7 months since Sheryl left and I still miss her terribly, the past few weeks has been hell because I have been dreaming about her almost nightly, same message albeit different scenarios. Bare in mind that over the last few years it is rare that I remember my dreams, yet each morning I wake up feeling like the dreams were real. This makes me feel disappointed, which sets me off on a down spiral again.

Then of course is the feeling that I should just forget about the whole fucking thing and move on with life, which is a lot easier said than done. Part of me feels the time is right to wash my hands of the whole sorry situation now, obviously as she wont talk to me, let alone see me it is what she wants me to do…. so why cant I?

There is something that still holds me back from making that last step but what is it?

Stubbornness? Love? Fear of what’s next?

Have not got a clue to be honest, dont know what to do next

What I do know is that the sooner this infighting stops the sooner I can concentrate on actually getting my life in some sort of order because right now this is taking up all my time, effort and energy just staying above water…

That being said, if all else fails….. some of you lovely readers must have a few single friends to send my way :D

 

Ending The Chapter…

This will be the last word on this subject until I have something to report in terms of an outcome. It has been  suggested that keeping something inside is preventing me from starting the new chapter in my life and I wholeheartedly agree.

There are things I have wanted to say but held back, things I needed to confess to help explain but more importantly I need to use my writing as a way of closing the chapter to enable me to find the strength to move on.

Let me make this clear before we begin, I love Sheryl still and would love to have her come back. This has to be something she wants though because I am done with fighting a battle that is not winnable currently.

However the five months since Sheryl left have been hell for me, as the time has gone by and I found myself getting better I made me want her here so that we could go out and enjoy each others company, have a drink and a laugh being Garry and Sheryl and not Mum and Dad. Then when the darkness came back it made me realise that I needed Sheryl to help me climb out of it.

There is difference between wanting and needing someone, and at my worse I NEEDED her to look after me, mother me in many ways. This is not good for a relationship but it was the illness not Garry. I have loved Sheryl since the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one for me. I wanted her, wanted to be with her and wanted to make her happy but the neediness depression cursed me with destroyed that.

I was guilty of treating her terribly, neglecting her needs and making her feel inadequate. I have to live with that fact. I could not provide for her emotionally, expecting to take not give. I spent too much time doing things on my own and not as a team, not involving her.

I was ill, although this may not be an excuse in some peoples eyes, believe me the depression has changed me in so many ways.

I stopped being the man she married.

I have held on to ALL the blame for it going wrong.

I completely understand why she left, although I do not know the reasons fully.

However

There are two sides to every story and it takes two to work on or break a marriage.

When you are rejected nightly for years and not allowed in the marital bed it will give any man self esteem issues, it ate away at me and is a big reason behind me being the way I am now, in terms of confidence.

When you are constantly checked up on, to see if you are doing things you shouldn’t be, it causes resentment.

When you have to question if you are loved, something is not right.

I can walk away knowing I tried, boy did I try, to reconcile. I never wanted to lose Sheryl but in her own words “don’t bother fighting – It’s over. This was said 3 days after she walked out.

Now as my friends will know, I do not believe you can stop loving someone overnight, sure you can fall in and out of love with someone – that is why it is important to keep working at relationships – but to suddenly feel nothing? sorry call me a fool but I don’t believe it. Be that as it may I have to accept it and can’t keep sitting around waiting for reality to catch up with her. I have to let it go for my sake.

The last time we were physically together was in August and she couldn’t say it was over to my face. The proof has to be in her actions as she wont look me in the eye and say words.

When I took my overdose I text her to tell her what I had done, no I dont know why but when you reach that point you do not think clearly, she did not once try to contact me to find out if I was out of hospital let alone still alive.

That is not the action of someone who loves you.

I have held myself back for too long now hoping for a miracle and now the time has come for me to stop kidding myself.

This is the end of that chapter we shall refer to as “The Breakup” let me now start working on the next phase because I have some plans and changes in mind that will, eventually, see me improved in many areas.

What You Did..

You gave up on me

You walked away

You broke our wedding vows

The day you decided not to stay.

 

You tore my heart out of my chest

it took me by surprise,

you never even looked to see

the tears streaming from my eyes.

 

You turned your back on me,

when I needed you so bad,

I tried so hard to make you happy,

I never meant to make you sad.

 

You took my soul in the black bags,

when you left me that fateful day,

You made me a shell of a man,

The broken mess I am today.

 

You ignore me, You avoid me,

and act like I dont exist,

You treat our love like it never was

You forgot about the bliss.

 

You hate me, You just don’t care,

about the pain I am going through,

You moved on so damn quickly,

You have no idea how much I still love you.

 

You deserve so much more,

than to be with a man so weak,

You forgot your love was what kept me going,

surviving each day or week.

 

You will never find another man,

to love you like I do,

You don’t think of me yet,

I cant stop loving you.

 

You left me broken, scared and alone,

I only ever wanted you,

You have taken my confidence and my heart,

I will never find another you.

 

You were made for me,

I loved you with all my heart.

but you didn’t want to fight for us

You ripped it all apart.

 

You deserve so much more,

than this pathetic fool,

Find someone else if that is what you need,

But I will never get over YOU.

 

 

Thankful for….Mrs Moose

Hopefully by reading this you will understand the change in my mindset that has come about over the last few days, something (thankfully) has clicked and I have new perspective, and attitude towards things.

So lets get this started,forgetting about recent events.

Sheryl aka Mrs Moose, currently Ms Moose LOL

For almost 8 years we had a wonderful relationship, she was my best friend and saw me at my worst and lowest.

I have lots of great memories of our time together, she was responsible for 2 of the best days of my life.

Sheryl inspired me to start writing and was very supportive in the early days of my blogging adventure.

Beyond that though she showed me love and made me very happy.

Without Sheryl there would be no blog, no books on amazon, no creative Garry.

There were, and are, bad times and memories but I am thankful for what we had and the good times we shared. Sad as things are now I will always have fond memories.

I am no longer sad it’s over but thankful it happened.

Although she doesn’t read this blog (as far as I am aware) I hope that when the smoke clears she can look back over our time together and realise that it was good far more than it was bad.

dont-cry-because-its-over-smile-because-it-happened-dr-seuss-610x457

Starting Again..

Firstly ignore the post from last night, you may have noticed I can be slightly temperamental at times. I have avoided posting about things lately but this has come at the detriment of my mental health so here we go..

Nicole and Sandra have provided me with some pretty harsh, but very warranted words today. I appreciate people who tell me like it is rather than saying what they think I want to hear.

So yes currently I am pretty fucked up, I am a mess, my emotions and mental health is all over the place and I don’t know whether I am coming, going or even where I stand.

That is not a valid excuse for giving up and accepting things as they are. Its true I wallow a lot at the moment, but remember I have lost not only my wife and best friend but my daughter. It has been a huge shock to the system, especially the way I have been treated since. Thanks to Cindy I have been able to make a lot more sense of things, although it took a day or so to sink in.

I thought I was the whole problem, but I am a part of it only. She needs to do what she has to do to walk away from me and I need to stop taking it personally, she has changed beyond all recognition to me. This only makes it easier because she is not my wife anymore but a stranger.

I sat down today and wrote down all the mistakes I made over the past few years and believe me there were plenty of them, that I wont talk about here. I wasn’t alone in them though, the difference is that I was prepared to work on them and rectify them. I have learnt that you cannot win a fight that has the odds stacked against you, almost fixed in the fact that I can’t win this battle let alone the war.

My self confidence has taken an absolute hammering over the years because I slept on the sofa, imagine spending four years sleeping in a different room to your partner! At first it was because of insomnia but then it was because of the baby. Now maybe you can understand why my self esteem has suffered, why my confidence is low because I had to suffer nightly rejection! It was not even about the sex, it was about the intimacy of falling asleep with my wife wrapped around me and waking up the same way the next morning!

Four years without this! Without waking up next to my wife…

But naturally its all my fault as the man and she is the victim in all this….

My depression was made worse by the lack of self esteem this caused me, yes I am needy and yes I was hard work at times but this was a big issue for me!

Growing up I was always called cocky or arrogant but this was my mask, as I got into my late teens and mid 20s in between relationships I was always fucking about.

As Nate Dogg once said “I got more ass than a toilet seat!” but I don’t want to be that guy anymore. Going out and having meaningless sex does not appeal to me whatsoever! So when people tell me all I need to get over this shit is to go out and fuck someone it insults me!

What I want is someone who will make some effort with me, treat me with respect, accept my issues and help me not hinder me, make me feel attractive and wanted again.  Above all else is for someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because for all my faults I am a nice guy, a good guy and I wont become the wanker I was 10 years ago.

Amazing how your attitude towards things change over time, and believe me I could share some great stories on here about my past experiences shagging a different person weekly.

It’s not me anymore. Whilst I may be a flirt I am not about taking it further just for the sake of it.

I have to try and forge a new direction, I want to try and experience new things. I want to be able to say that today I did something for the first time and above all else I want to stop this negative thinking about myself that other people have turned into a habit.

So lets start again working my way back up and not forgetting who I am, what I am and that I AM WORTHY!

Hi I’m Garry aka Moosey/Mooseman and I have depression.

Tomorrow we begin Operation Fuck The Haters and those who are not with me are not coming for the ride!

Wanting to be loved is my only crime and if that really is a crime what a sad world we live in!

Shattered But Not Broken

images (5)

Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!

Wanting What We Cant Have

This is an area I seem to specialise in these days, wanting something or, more appropriately someone I can’t have. Problem is the more I am told I can’t have it the more I want it, the more I want it the less likely it is to happen but Moose does like a chase…..

I am in a good place in terms of my marriage tonight, i have finally been able to see things in a new light and accept them for what they are, and all it took was a few simple messages that were a month in the making. Now don’t get me wrong I am very hurt and upset by what has happened BUT more importantly I am not taking the blame anymore.

For the past 2 and 1/2 months I have blamed myself for everything that has happened, been far too sympathetic to her needs and not concentrated on how I actually feel about it all, or more appropriately allowed the grieving process to do its thing.  Lots of people have told me that is where I am going wrong, I am not grieving for the death of my marriage. To be honest I have done enough grieving the past few years to last me a life time! So that is where I am at currently and looking to move on….

Except I fucked that up as well……. But as I am trying to convince myself – Things happen for a reason…

So i have lost Mrs Moose, Miss Naughty and Miss Never Gonna Happen…. and all I wanted was a little bit of effort in return for the hard work I put in..

Miss Never Gonna Happen is a hard pill to swallow but I needed to do what I did for my own sanity, as well as to protect her from a rampaging moose, I doubt she will see it that way though and for that I am sorry.

To cheer myself up and get out of this mini dip I went and got some pain of the nice variety and rewarded my recent good run of form with a new tattoo on my left arm.

Finally I have the “Abide With Me” tattoo I have wanted for many years, the last line to be exact “in life, in death, O Lord, Abide with me”.

Ink by Duane "illumin-eye" Robinson

Ink by Duane “illumin-eye” Robinson

The hymn is played at family funerals and is scheduled to be played at mine – not for many years yet though I hasten to add!

Duane, the tattooist is based in Mile End, 5 minutes away from the underground station and not only is he a great artist but also a top man as well! If you’re in the London area go and see him!! His Facebook page can be found here tell him Moose sent you!

So besides screwing up a good friendship because I wanted more,  finally realising my wife is never coming home and turning into a nervous shitting wreck because of seetec today a few hours of pain has turned a bad day into a good day!