Antidepressant Withdrawal

I knew it was coming, that it wouldn’t be plain sailing. Despite people thinking, and treating me like I am an idiot I went into cold turkey with my eyes wide open expecting the worse but hoping that it wouldn’t be that bad.

And in all honesty it has gone a lot better than I expected…but the last few days have given me a big reminder that the battle is a long way from over.

As everyone knows – because I have had so much expert opinion sent my way… it is not advisable to just give up antidepressants and I am not advocating it for anyone, but it was something that I needed to do and in the main I am feeling a lot better mentally as a result.

There are some symptoms of Antidepressant Withdrawal that I am dealing with, so thought it would be a good chance to share with you how things are.

The following comes from webmd.com the full article can be found here

Symptoms of Antidepressant Withdrawal

Symptoms of antidepressant withdrawal depend on the specific medication you have been taking. Studies have not revealed factors that predict the chances of developing antidepressant discontinuation symptoms – including how long someone has been taking an antidepressant – although some research has found that discontinuation symptoms may be more likely in people who have had a more complete initial response to their antidepressant.

Symptoms most often occur within three days of stopping the antidepressant. They are usually mild and go away within about two weeks. Symptoms can include:

  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Depression and mood swings
  • Light-headedness
  • Dizziness and balance problems
  • Electric shock sensations
  • Fatigue
  • Flu-like symptoms
  • Headache
  • Loss of coordination
  • Muscle spasms
  • Nausea
  • Nightmares
  • Tremors
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Vomiting

Currently the biggest issue for me is the Electric shock sensations which is irritating to say the least, as someone who has had a fucked up sleep pattern for years the trouble sleeping is a pain in the arse but one that I am used to but 2 out of 16 symptoms is pretty good and I will take it!

According to the article these should last for a few weeks from stopping the medication so as we approach week 2 of “cold moose” I am hoping they will soon disappear.

I have not had a single “dark” thought since coming off the medication..

The mood swings are not an issue, but what I am finding is that I am getting pretty frustrated with people lately, the cause for this seems to be that my bullshit detector has returned! I am thinking so much more clearly in regards to the attitude of people towards me and this is leading me to frustration. A crossroad if you will between giving people the benefit of the doubt or simply walking away from them, however I have spent the past few years accepting shit because I felt that was what I was entitled to…

Wouldn’t it be lovely if people were honest all the time instead of this game playing, bullshitting, say what I think you want to hear, selfish, need you when it suits me, talk to you when it suits me attitude so many people seem to be afflicted with…and breath

I can tell I am on the right track when people get offended, rightly or wrongly, by what I say and I couldn’t care less. I am actually sick of apologising all the time just for a quiet life. Do I ever get an apology when they are in the wrong? Of course not..

I want to surround myself with more positive people, people who want to bring the best out of me again. I would rather have 2 friends who pick up the phone, or knock on my door than have 100s of people who are passengers on the moose train. I have been very lucky this year to have already seen around 20 people in real life, not just connecting via social media.

Sadly some of them have moved on without me and as much as I miss a certain person I will not be reaching out to them, dropping me was their choice and I respect them for that, even though I don’t agree and if you are reading this (and 100% they know who they are) I hope you are well.

So with that in over…. I do have some good news

Operation Fat Bastard is a go..

I have rejoined the gym and cannot wait to get my winter coat off! Getting out the flat and back into the swing of the treadmill and yoga was one of the things I wanted to achieve for 2014 – so that’s one tick on the “to do” list

All in all I can’t complain too much, I am ready for the fight and feel like coming of the meds has thus far been a success. I am not naive enough to think the storm has passed and the black clouds will not try returning but I am confident that the future is looking positive because I am back in control.

Like it or not the Garry that I used to be is becoming more and more vocal and breaking though the barriers that depression had put in front of him…

 

 

7 days

Before you start singing Craig David or Sting songs – depending on your age I thought now would be a good time to update you on the Cold Moose Experiment.

A week medication free for the first time in almost 2 years, yes it was risky to do this and while I am aware that it is still early days I can truly say that I have not felt so strong mentally in at least 5 years!

The best thing personally is that I have spent some awesome time with Brandon. He has been away at his mums due to being ill but when we have been around each other we have laughed so much – it has been great.

I have laughed and smiled so much lately – forget that strange looking yellow thing in the sky everyone is asking about, the new phenomenon is the lesser known smiling moose currently doing the rounds of Woodford/East London.

I have been out and about the past few days, visiting relatives even going to the cinema. My stomach woes are currently gone! I feel like a normal person in terms of the IBS issues. The early morning spells of being locked in the bathroom being scared to leave the flat again appear to have disappeared. Now its worth mentioning that the IBS issues were a problem BEFORE the medication entered my life, but I am convinced the stress was as a result of the meds, the anxiety and panic attacks were as a result.

There has been a few problems since I stopped taking the meds – it is not all plain sailing

I have been having dizziness problems, especially when I am out walking. Not enough to make me lose my balance or worry – but every now and again I have to stop in my tracks for a few seconds. Hopefully this will ease as my body readjusts to “normality” in terms of a lack of chemicals.

Secondly is the return of the sex drive! this is not good when you have tennis elbow :D

On the plus side I may have to seriously consider moving to Canada – click here to find out why!

_73510716_moosesexbuttons

Anyone else out there willing to support moose sex? if so please wear one of these badges so I can identify you!

Any Canadian readers please find me one these badges! I must have one!!!!

I feel alive, I want to get out again – hit the gym again and keep this fighting spirit going.

It may have cost me some friendships but I feel like this has been the right decision – so far.

Long may it last…. if not then please let the sex drive stay! priorities are in the right order..

Cold Turkey (Moose)

I realise this post is going to cause a few people to worry and panic but please just support me and not lecture me….

I was in bed for 4 hours before I actually managed to sleep last night, my head was full of ifs, buts and maybes about my current situation and I had a damn good thinking session and have come to a big decision. No idea how it will turn out but I need to try something.

I have decided that I am no longer going to take my antidepressants (pause for dramatic effect)

I can’t get any lower or feel any worse than I do at the moment and this is WITH the meds..

So what if

the meds are making my anxiety worse?

the meds are making my stomach worse?

the meds are making me reliant on them?

by increasing the dosages it just makes me feel more addicted  dependant to them and I have an addictive personality as it is

I feel like giving them up may make me have to fight some more as I feel like a quitter lately because I have let the depression overtake me, safe in the knowledge that the meds would do the job..

I have to try this at least and see where I am in a few weeks time because something has to give, and I dont want it to be me!

Asking For Help – Eventually

Okay I will admit it, I am pretty fucked up at the moment, and by pretty fucked up I mean REALLY REALLY fucked.

Denial of how bad things are in mooseland has reached breaking point and “fake it till you make it” just does not work for me so grudgingly I went to the Dr today. Garry made an intervention on behalf of moose if you will….

So what exactly is wrong?

in simple terms – FUCK KNOWS..

I am in a mess if truth be told and hiding has become a specialty, hiding away in bed from the world outside, barely setting foot outside the flat, still I guess in someways it can be seen as progress that I am actually sleeping in the bed and not the sofa… I am averaging about 18 hours a day in bed at the moment not all sleeping, lots of frankly bizarre dreams which wake me up a lot. It is unusual that I remember my dreams as it is but lately some of them are just insane. The theme of them has changed recently but not for the better! Before they were constantly about Sheryl, now they all revolve around me being alone with no where to turn. I would love to describe them fully but to be honest they freak me out a bit..

I am tired of fighting constantly, fighting to keep going forwards when I feel like I am in reverse. It feels like I am in a boxing fight with my hands tied behind my back and my energy levels are at an all time low.

It seems the harder I try to move on with life and fight the worse things get!

On top of this is a few revealing insights that have been given me to, all meant in the right way yet devastating in the truth that lies within them

I do try to be a good person and to help others, but is there really a hidden agenda behind my willingness to do this?

Do I really just help others because I want them to notice that I need help?

Do I really push people away to see who comes back? if this is the case how many times can I keep doing it before I end up with nothing and no one?

I know I am desperate for therapy and help but its still not forthcoming from the mental health team. It is nearly 2 years since I was referred to them and in all this time I have had 2 appointments. One was a 30 minute chat with a cpn who simple said I was not bipolar – I still have my doubts about that! and the other was with a psychologist in November who said I would hear from them “soon”. Thankfully my dr is writing to them today to try and chase this up as she can see that I would benefit from therapy and that I am getting worse and not better.

Is the only way to get help for mental health problems to access them via  A and E? thankfully I am not considering a visit there anytime soon but how long is soon for fucks sake.

I need help and I need it sooner rather than later

and worryingly this is just the tip of the iceberg…..for now lets hope doubling up my medication will have some effect or have I just become immune to them now as well….

 

 

 

sdrawkcaB gnioG

My recovery has gone backwards over the last 10 days or so to the point where I could actually spot all the warning signs and have moved quickly to work towards stopping the slide.

Friday I went back to the Dr and spoke to my new GP for the first time. I didn’t want to give her too much information as she is new to me and doesn’t know my background – losing Dr Dhanji is a huge blow for me because he could tell within seconds how I was actually doing before I even told him.

I had been two weeks medication free and thought I was doing well, I WAS doing well if I am honest, BUT I could see little things happening again that were giving me reason to be concerned that the spiral was starting again.

It started with an innocent question from someone “how are you REALLY doing?” and 10 minutes later I was still opening up to her, someone who doesn’t really know me outside of her professional capacity yet I opened up the dam and couldn’t plug it. She asked if I was okay because suddenly I was shaking and emotional, almost like a panic attack…

Mentally I had been feeling much better and improved, but emotionally everything that has gone on over the past 3 months have taken a toll on me and obviously in hindsight coming off the meds was not the best idea at this time – please no told you so’s!

Losing Mrs Moose has been like a death to me, trying to accept her decision and move on, let her go, has sent me back into a state of grieving that I did not fully prepare myself for. Let alone not seeing Elizabeth everyday, when I do see her it breaks my heart because I have to let her go again. We play a game where I light a candle for her and she has to blow it out and make a wish, every time she does this her wish is the same “I wish mummy would talk to daddy and come home!” – hearing that coming out of her mouth hurts plan and simple!

I’m losing friends at the moment as well, some because I have pushed them away, others because they have backed away and it all adds up to more rejection, which then feds the self esteem demon that plagued me for years.

My sleeping is causing a problem as insomnia has returned which in turn means I am sleeping during the day again – something that I worked bloody hard to eradicate as I know this was an issue for Sheryl in the past.

IBS has also returned which shows that i am stressed, I had managed to control this for a month or so and could actually go out in the mornings without fear of accidents – that is not the case anymore.

So welcome back sleep issues, IBS, stress and anxiety…. bad enough I have had to cancel my gym membership as money is so tight again, so add hermit back to the list……

BUT SOME GOOD NEWS….

I caught it all happening BEFORE it escalated and prevention is much easier than the cure. The fact that I have asked to, and been put back on anti-depressants does not make me a failure. It means I was aware of my symptoms to the point that I could ask for help before I ended up back in the clutches of depression and can start again with my recovery.

As I have said before, asking for help shows strength not weakness and at the moment I am happy to admit I need more help than I thought, and now I have it!

The thing with recovery is that you need to be able to go at a reasonable pace and unfortunately for me I went straight into the fast lane before I was fully ready.

I need to make changes, want to make changes but I need to make sure that I can walk properly before sprinting off into the distance and that is a lesson I have learned the hard way…

So back to the start of my recovery with more experience and a better idea of what to expect. The important thing is to be proud that I spotted the signs before they got too bad.

 

Keep On Keeping On

To coin a phrase the wonderful weegee likes to throw at me now and again….

Haven’t written for a few days and feel I should update you as to whats been happening in terms of depression and life for me the past week.

I can say quite openly and confidently that I am no longer depressed – yes you read that correctly!

What I am suffering now is the loneliness of being on my own, having no kids here bar the odd day here and there I am often alone in the flat. There is a massive difference between being depressed and being sad and alone. This is how I feel at the moment. There are times when I feel low and sad but these last for a few hours as opposed to days/weeks/months and I can live with that!

I just post a few little things to get them off my chest and move on…. simples :D

I had my final talk with the amazing Dr Dhanji on Monday before he goes to Australia (another GP sick of the red tape of the NHS and moving away). He was amazed at my progress and also proud of how far I have come despite the difficult times I have had in the past few months, which a year ago would have destroyed me mentally and sent me spiraling towards sectioning!

I told him exactly how I was feeling about being lonely, to be honest I find admitting I’m lonely harder than talking about depression.

And best of all he said that the time was right for me to stay on the reduced medication as things are going so well. I didn’t have any medication for a week following my OD and all was well, I am back taking the medication though before you panic.

 

Life is great but would be even better with someone to share the good times with, the fact that I go out on my own shows how well I am doing, but would be much more fun with someone to talk to beside Jack (Daniels)..

Here is a pic taken last week at the local pub..

Moose on a night out

Moose on a night out

 

Next Friday I head off for a holiday with Brandon and cannot wait to spend some quality time with him away from these four (freshly painted) walls , despite not having spending money (donations are still accepted LOL)

Going to stay with my twin brother and his wife and I am looking forward to it immensely the Isle of Wight here we come!

So if you see a post with negativity or melancholy undertones remember that it’s just me letting off some steam, the reality is that I will feel sad having gone from having a wife and children around to it suddenly being just me and the cats. It wont always be this way and in time things will be better, especially if I can get a grip on this issue of feeling isolated and alone.

I have some good friends, and great virtual friends who I know are a message away but please don’t always be a stranger, my door is always open to friends.

After all a stranger is a friend you have yet to meet….

Today i am off to see a therapist for the first time – gonna be interesting..

And now for some music…

 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

 

ps if you haven’t liked my page on Facebook please do pop over there and say hi! click here

Moose meets Celebrities and Talks Medication

Yesterday I attended the Sapphire Stigma Summit where he was pleased to be able to listen to talks about stigma, discrimination and other aspects of mental health.

Along the speakers were Frank Bruno and Clarke Carlisle. I have a lot of time for Clarke as he is a professional footballer but is also speaking out about depression in football, something that people have little sympathy for due to the wages that the players earn and how out of touch with the real world some of them appear to be. Of course depression couldn’t care less about your colour, gender, income and any other aspects of your lifestyle but I do often see a lack of sympathy for the rich and famous because of their money, that they are somehow immune to mental health illnesses.

I introduced myself to both gentlemen and as Clarke is someone I have tweeted occasionally I was gobsmacked that he knew who the depressedmoose was let alone that he actually reads my blog (I told you I was famoose didn’t I!)

"know what I mean..Garry"

“know what I mean..Garry”

clarke

During my little chat with Clarke Carlisle I told him that I was preparing to come off my medication and he was concerned about the timing, as I know a few people are as well so please let me explain the reasoning behind my decision so you don’t have to worry.

The fact is I no longer feel depressed! I wake up each morning at 7 looking forward to the day and what it may bring, knowing that I will be heading out to the gym or even just going out for a walk because I want to get out and about. I am no longer the hermit I had become always wanting to be close to home and my bed!

I have started doing things again that I hadn’t done in years – I want to go out socialising and meeting new people, reconnecting with friends again and even searching for work again!

I have NEVER felt this strong mentally despite the emotional upheaval of the past month or so and I know that I will never allow myself to fall into the clutches of the black dog again. In fact the last time it came near me I growled back and it soon went running.

I have been to hell and back the last 3 years especially and have survived through all the dark times and emerged a better person on the other side, fitter and stronger both physically and mentally and the time is right now for me to continue this journey medication free safe in the knowledge that things will never be that bad again.

Stubbornness can be a nightmare at times but not when it comes to me and my mental health! I survived 4 years of depression without meds before finally seeking help and can do so again believe me.

My days are now spent proactively and productively not wallowing waiting for sleep to take over me again. I have settled down into a good sleeping routine so no longer am I too tired to fight off the thoughts and fears that depression can bring. I have more energy and motivation these days in small part due to my wonderful kids especially Brandon. our relationship has been amazing again through all thats been going on and they need the strong Garry to remain to show them that no matter how hard life can be you never give up fighting.

I am all too aware of the battle ahead and that there may be times when I feel depressed again in the future, it is like giving up drinking sometimes you can fall of the wagon, but with this new attitude towards life and strength there is nothing I can’t face head on now and defeat.

What I have been going through recently is a mixture of different emotions and feelings that are natural to my current situation and not depressive reactions like feelings of failure and suicide and when I do get a bad spell these last hours rather than days! I just simply dust myself off and start again.

So please don’t worry about the moose instead worry about the rest of the world as I make up for lost time and attack the future all guns blazing!

Couldnt Stay Away Moose

Ok so I really tried to stay away but in the words of Michael Corleone “everytime I think I am out they pull me back in”.

So an update for you as to what has been going on since last we saw each other.

Marriage wise it is all over, and my heart is broken. I don’t blame her for walking away from me as my depression obviously took a huge toll on her. The poor thing must be completely worn out physically, emotionally and mentally and whilst I wish things were different and that I could wave a magic wand and make things better I know life doesn’t work that way. I will always leave the door open in the hope that we can talk one day but at the moment it’s not an option and I have to accept that. It is not what I wanted and I worded things wrongly in the heat of the moment, wasn’t the first time and probably wont be the last time I fuck up when my intentions are good.

So bad news out the way back to the depression….

what depression!

For the past 4 weeks at least I have had no depressive thoughts or fears. My phq9 score has sat on zero for the whole time. I have been going to the gym 5x a week and have lost 20 lbs since February and currently weigh the lowest I have in years!

I have seen my GP about coming off my medication too. He was amazed at the change in my persona when I walked into his office let alone the weight change, and this was before I told him what had been going on in my private life! He nearly fell off the chair at how well I was doing and we are now in the process of gradually decreasing my medication in preparation for coming off completely.

It works like this

2 days normal dosage, 1 day half dosage the gradually increase the number of days I have the half dosage. 1 day a week, then 2 days a week, then 3 and so on. It will take a few months to come off the medication and I expect that some days/weeks will be worse than others but now is the time for me as I haven’t felt this good for years!

One thing you all know about me is that I am a fighter and the depression has been knocked from pillar to post the past few weeks and we are now entering the last few rounds and the strongest will survive, that will be me! I’m not going for a quick knockout I want this to be a battle to the last bell when depression will have so much knocked out of it that it wont want to face me again in a rematch!

To paraphrase Charlie Sheen

I have moose blood in me and I am winning!

 

Guest Post – Rose

My name might be fake but my story isn’t, my struggle with depression began when I was about 13.

another thing you should probably know is that I am diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, communication (especially verbal) is difficult for me and expressing how I feel was until my 16th or 17th nearly impossible.

When I got depressed for the first time I didn’t know what hit me, I was just a child so I didn’t know what depression was, I just knew that I felt bad, very bad.

It hit me in the spring, I was still going to school and doing what I had to but in the break times I mostly just sat on a curve away from everyone till it was time to go back into class. That summer-break the gloom that fell over me didn’t go anywhere, it didn’t go anywhere for about 2 years.

I was alone in this time, there must have been a million times when I wanted to let anyone know how I felt but the words never came past my lips. And how do you say, I don’t know why but I feel sad all the time, I want to die just to make it stop? I didn’t understand it at all so how could I explain ? I woke every day sorry that I woke at all, I thought about dying all the time and looking back I don’t really understand why I didn’t die.

I didn’t get help back then, no one knew. Some noticed I wasn’t all that happy but didn’t do anything to help.

Since then I have been dealing with these depressed feelings on and of for years, it mostly just lasted days maybe a week or two but I got more or less use to feeling bad every now and then.

In my last year of school I found some people online who seemed to understand how I felt and I found comfort in knowing I was not alone.

After school I went to work, in the first years I was, despite my problems, a good worker as I worked very hard. But in 2011 it went down hill, I got depressed again and this time it didn’t leave me for months. I couldn’t keep up the quantity or quality of work and my bosses started to complain, time after time they told me I needed to be better but I just couldn’t. After a kind of intervention of my bosses telling me to get myself together, it was Christmas-break and I was alone at home.

Being alone might seem like a good idea when you are depressed but it doesn’t make you feel better, just lonely really. It was the night before Christmas and I had gone to a film to kill the time and got a bit intoxicated and went home again. My bosses had suggested to me that I depressed everyone around me and I believed them fully hearted, how could I live with myself wile I was hurting others with my presence, I couldn’t.

So I took out a razor blade and put it against my wrist, I was fully intentioned to end it all when I suddenly remembered that it would be Christmas when people (probably my parents) would find me. I couldn’t ruin Christmas for those who I loved so I didn’t do it and went to sleep.

Both Christmas days I spent with my family and was feeling a bit better by doing that, so I decided to finally made an appointment with my GP the day after Christmas. Making that appointment was the hardest thing I have ever done, did the call and hang up thing about 20 times before I was brave enough to stay on the line long enough to speak to the assistant.

I made a point of saying what was wrong to her because I knew that it would have been even more difficult to say with the good doctor (who I saw on my own for the first time) staring pitiful at me.

It was very hard to say “I think I’m depressed” to someone, I couldn’t tell you where I was exactly afraid of but afraid that I was. The appointment went about how I thought it would, I was unable to really speak, managed to answer a few questions and that was about it. As I was clearly in a very poorly state the GP prescribed some anti-depressants for me and made a follow up appointment in two weeks time. I was glad he took me serious enough to help me and the next day I started my first dose. The GP did forget to mention 2 things, 1 anti-depressants don’t work instantly and 2 you get the worst side-effects before they work (in the first week). I am not saying not to get on them but do recommend that you let someone know that you are on them, someone who can help you through it all because its worth it but its also very hard. I had (still have) a very good friend who kept reminding me that it was important to stay on them and that was mainly the thing that got me to take them every day.

They did help, for a couple weeks but then it went downhill again.

I informed my employers of my depression but they where not all that understanding, they kept pressuring me to get better soon and I couldn’t make them understand that it would take time.

After increasing my dose it became clear that I needed more help then I was getting and I got a reveal to a psychiatrist. The intake is pretty much answering a whole lot of questions, the questions where not even asked by the psychiatrist himself but by a GP in training. Some of the questions made me wonder how crazy do they think I am ? But they are just the standard questions everyone has to answer. Then she went to the psychiatrist and they talked alone for a wile before I was called back in. he said I was indeed depressed but also probably lonely and he had a point there, so he said I should talk to someone, I was reluctant to do so as talking isn’t exactly my thing. But I agreed to make an appointment with a psychiatric nurse, was a little disappointed to find out that the waiting time was 6 weeks, 6 weeks is about a lifetime when you are feeling badly. I cried my eyes out when I left the office, it had been very tiring and nothing was solved yet.

Later that day I called them again and told them that I wasn’t coming to the next appointment, then it seemed just too much effort at the time but they didn’t let me go that easy, later I was called back by the GP in training and she convinced me to at least try the talking thing.

So, I waited the 6 weeks and showed up by the psychiatric nurse. She was kind and all that we could really talk, it helped me to take a note with me with the things that where bothering me so we could talk about it. Even though the talks where nice, I got just more depressed and it was decided that my meds didn’t do the trick. The psychiatrist changed them but before I could start the new anti-depressants I needed to get off the old once. This would also be something you need someone by because withdraw symptoms will make a bad time worse.

It was when I was completely off meds for a week and my nurse was out for two weeks that I really couldn’t cope any more, I was crying all the time and just a mess really. Because my employer had said that I wouldn’t be believed if I called in sick again and if I wasn’t doing better soon I would be fired I was afraid to stay at home. My father made the call and told my boss to leave alone.

I called the psychiatric office to get to see the replacement nurse but she wasn’t working that day, so I called back the next and she made an appointment with me for the next day.

When I got there I did something I never thought I would, I allowed them to admit me. I made that choice because I couldn’t predict what would happen if I went home again, I was suicidal

I was in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital and being in an unfamiliar place with people I have never met was a very scary thing for me. I was trying to cope with it all really and it went okay the first day because I was left alone that day. The next however I was woken up then after breakfast I was told it was time for the day-opening, no idea what that was I went with the nurse who told me that and was sat in a room with a group of other patients and they all went round telling how they have slept and how they felt, it seemed very weird to me not knowing that a wile later I would be doing the same, everyday.

Then there was on the program “movement on music” I was like what? I have to do stuff in the hospital? My idea of an hospital was lying on bed mostly and maybe reading a bit but the psychiatric ward just doesn’t work that way. After the therapy hour “movement on music” I had enough, I wanted to go home again but when I told a nurse that the answer was just NO. I was very upset by this but there seemed to be nothing I could do about it. Then I was told I was being moved to another hospital because for some reason the psychiatric ward in this one would close during the weekend. I wanted still to go home but even my parents thought it was better if I just stayed for a wile so I did. It took a wile for me to settle but I went with the program and the routine was quite nice. I started at K1, the critical care unit, the program there was a bit more relaxed then the other group and was easier in my condition to follow. Then after about a month I think I went to the K3, something I fought at first because I can’t handle change very well but after a wile I settled again and it became like a second home. It was nice to have people around me and stuff to do everyday.

In total I was in hospital for 3 months, did get out during the weekend on leave and later I worked 2 afternoons a week but I always came back “home”. I began to like talking to the nurses that I got to know pretty well and was generally feeling better. But then the doctors wanted to sent me back to

the other hospital, I didn’t want that because of the change and so I refused and went home instead.

At first it was weird being home again and having to well entertain myself again, in the beginning I missed having people around me all the time and that there was always someone (day or night) where I could talk to.

I am 25 now and I wish I could say that my fight is over but it isn’t, I still talk to the psychologist once a week and am under treatment of a psychiatrist who is specialist for people with autism.

I went through several psychiatrist in a year and even though changing wasn’t my wish it has learned me an important lesson, not every psychiatrist is the same. My first talked as much as I did so that where very quiet sessions and the second never seemed to have enough time. What I want to say is that not every healthcare worker is going to be right for you, you need someone you can trust and who you feel understands you.

Tomorrow I will increase my dose of anti-depressants again in hope that I will feel better. I still often think that I will feel this way forever and that I never get better but that is what depression does to you, it makes you believe that it will last forever.

It won’t, depression is a horrible disease but it also very curable, you just need to stay alive to see it and that is very very hard I know. The choice to die is one I can always make but I just want to make sure I tried everything before I do cause there is no taking back death.

Rose can be found on twitter here