Quick Update

I am still here, still struggling to write and still dealing with more shit than I can currently handle – as always most of it self inflicted but moose is still fighting and just about clinging on.

Things have been improving in terms of how I am viewing myself, I am starting to get my confidence back again, helped by actually having a sex life again! yep moose has found his game again and rutting season is in full flow…

Hard enough (pun intended) to believe that one person finds me attractive but even better is when its a few people

BUT even better than having a few admirers is when they actually come over and visit! So besides being worn out by “moose meating” (I LOVE this phrase, thanks Mary for coining it) and an attack of the deadly man flu I do feel fairly positive again.

So much so that I am actually driving myself mad by a lack of activity! I have no plans currently, all the things I wanted to do have had to be held back until September/October time in terms of courses. Financially I am fucked and cant afford to implement any of my other goals until I get rid of this huge debt I am paying off – for someone who has such bad credit how the hell these companies keep giving me loans I do not know! but 3 out of 5 are paid off and slowly but surely I am getting the others down… I would say I am currently on the bread line but I cant afford bread… Money and Moose is not a good mix at the moment but I am proud that I have managed to clear nearly £800 of debt since the turn of the year although the struggle feels never ending!

I have had some amazing moments of clarity the last few days and can start to see a bright future, once I get this fucking debt cleared! I am very grateful to a few people who I wont name who have kindly donated via this blog to help me out – you have no idea how much this has meant to me. The friendships I have made since I started writing have been wonderful and I am honoured to have you in my life as friends and “mooseketeers”

My down moments are actually horrendous at present BUT with each one comes a new strength and peace of mind as I can process all the issues that are holding me back. Stepping back and being able to look at things as an outsider is a real positive and one that came from this blog.

At some stage who knows I may even take the advice I hand out to people and use it for myself! but I am taking Janes advice and working on a list of things I want to do and although I am two months behind schedule this year I am already doing things this year that I havent done for a long long time.

I want to get more involved with charities this year and get myself back out there again, these four walls in my home are starting to depress the hell out of me, once this poxy weather improves I intend to make the most of the sunshine again. I have places I want to visit, friends far away that I want to annoy in person and dare I say it…find a new Miss Moose.

Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt able to actually sit here and write a post,  this is a good sign because I have missed blogging! It has helped me so much, made me grow as a person and I want thedepressedmoose to be more famoose than ever! I am starting to realise that the only person who is hurt by my hiding away is me!

The penny is dropping again that I DO have a lot to offer and now I want to strike while the iron is hot.

It also helped seeing my face on Mind’s facebook page! who doesnt love a bit of fame now and again!

Moose in his first modelling shot for Mind!

Moose in his first modelling shot for Mind!

 

what has also been fun is people actually interacting with me via my facebook page! I need to pay more attention to it and get people talking- after all its how I have turned many of you from readers to friends! drop by the page, like it and say hi! find it here

so much for a quick update! but was good to feel the writing bug come back again!

so tell me, how are you REALLY doing?

Moose and Mind

As you all know by now I am a big supporter to the charity Mind having raised funds for them with my 5k and 10k runs.

Recently I was pleased to see they were looking for some new people to be the face of their new campaigns and what with me being reluctant to be in the spotlight (cough cough) I put my name forward and applied.

It was a great moment when I received an email back saying I had been selected to attend a photo shoot along with around 16 people.

It is a real honour to have my face on Mind literature, adverts etc, to be associated with the charity in this face. Knowing my ugly mug will be seen by lots of people in connection with mental health is really a proud moment for me.

So, having watched Zoolander for tips on my poses and how to “make love” to the camera of I headed today for the shoot.

The highlight of the day was meeting fellow supporters of Mind who were all there because we want to make a difference, we want to be a human face to people to show that anyone is susceptible to Mental Health Illness and that it can affect anyone regardless of race, gender and class.

Heck even us mammals are known to suffer with depression from time to time :D

I cannot wait to see the finished photos with me smiling out to show the world that I am proud to be known as a mental health illness sufferer. I am already anticipating lots of magazines/tube adverts being thrust under my nose with a pen and I will happily sign any of them – once the donation has hit my Paypal account – after all I can’t be having my autographed items popping up on eBay.

But more importantly, if one person sees the photos and it makes them seek the help they need then all the pain and suffering endured under the glare of the camera today will have been worth it. Oh how I suffered for my art today, tea and food on tap….

As well as the photos I was interview on camera and via audio – I loved every minute of it – This moose does not do bashful or shy in front of a camera.

A massive thank you to everyone at Mind for organising the day, especially the staff at Greenwich Mind who made the day fly by with their friendly atmosphere and chat.

It really was a wonderful day and I am proud of myself for applying and actually going through with it.

My plan for world domination and became “famoose” is taking shape….

The depressed moose, mental health campaigner and now model extraordinaire – for more photo shoots please contact my agent directly….

Shin Splints, Shits and Success

another medal for moosey

another medal for moosey

 

I can now hang up my running vest, consign the running shoes to the bin and retire gracefully from the running malarkey that has consumed my life for the past few weeks.

Or can I?

Either way I signed up for the Bupa 10k run in October in one of my hyper moods and today I achieved my only target which was to finish the race!

Struggling with shin splints I had to make 2 emergency IBS related toilet stops and a visit to St John’s Ambulance for some pain killers, which made a big difference to my finishing time, but the time taken was irrelevant what mattered was that I finished! There were around 12000 runners and I finished in the top 10000!

buparesult

I also raised over £500 for Mind which I know they will be so appreciative off so a massive thank you to those who kindly sponsored me, especially as I know that money is very tight for a lot of people. The support some of you show me is nothing short of inspiring and I am very humbled by the words of encouragement and praise that people shower on me!

Onward and upwards to the next challenge, I fancy a sky dive next time around. At least that will only hurt when I hit the ground as opposed to every step but who knows this running bug may drive me on to something more next year…

If you wish to sponsor me you can still do so via http://www.justgiving.com/garrywilliams

As for me, I am going to allow myself to feel incredible pride at another achievement Moosey has done since having depression. See you at the start line next year?

SuperMoose

I did it!! I did it!

I completed my 5k superhero run(walk) today!

Despite the stresses of the last week I actually got myself up and out the door at the crack of a sparrows fart and headed to Regents Park to meet my running buddy Gary – a fellow wordpress blogger who writes here

We arrived early eager to get our hands on the superhero costumes and changed into possibly the most unlikely superhero duo since Del Boy and Rodney!

the streets of London were safe for another day!

the streets of London were safe for another day!

There was a mass warm up for the 1700+ superheros and the first song that was used was….

so whilst everyone was dancing around the field Gary and I continued our pre run ritual of a cigarette and left them too it. It was hard enough coping with the poxy moose head smacking me in the nose every time I moved around.

At the start line I took off like a bullet from a gun (in my head at least!) and within 1k the pain kicked in like someone was running alongside me with scissors but I carried on moaning my way round the course until finally the finish line was in sight and I raised my arms wearily aloft as I crossed it in a new personal best time of 36 minutes!

After hitting the floor and finally being able to take off the moose head I was able to fully recognise what I had achieved. Five Km doesnt seem a big distance to lots of people but for me it is a huge goal I reached and hopefully next weeks 10 Km run in London wont seem so daunting now – depending on how my knees feel in the morning!

Thank you to wonderful people who have donated money for Mind, a wonderful charity. I even managed to meet the Big Cheese of Mind Paul Farmer today. The Moose did a great job networking.

Moose with his medal!

Moose with his medal!

Gardening and Depression – Garden Envy

As the warm weather returns (and hopefully stays!) I start to wish that I had a garden for me to go and enjoy the sunshine in.

Alas I am stuck on the top floor (2nd or 3rd depending how you count them) and have to look out at other people enjoying their own little space, in a flat that will soon double as a sauna once the real summer arrives.

As I continue on my journey to recovery I am thinking more and more about distractions that could help people with depression and gardening would seem to be a trick I miss out on.

Recently a good friend asked me to help clear her garden as it was overgrown. I say garden loosely as when I got into it the first thing that I thought about was the hidden tribesmen and their spears attacking me as we headed deeper into the jungle.

I am not green fingered either, unless you include an awful nose picking and cold incident but I will not elaborate!

There was something incredibly therapeutic about taking all your built up frustration onto that poor defenceless weed that needs pulling up or removing a big stump that wont budge until you really get angry! (think Incredible Hulk angry – although more Incredible Bulk!)

With each push of the spade into the earth I was thinking about something that had caused my depression and the poor roots of the trees did not stand a chance. Not only was it a great form of therapy it was also hard work so bingo! 2 for the price of one in the same afternoon. I also discovered I’m a bit of a madman with a pair of secateurs and overgrowing ivy.

It is nice to be outside in the fresh air and sunshine as opposed to the same four walls and darkness, it can improve your mood to have a bit of warmth beating down on you and a bit of hard work to get the blood racing. I am more and more aware of the benefits of  embracing different ideas to work on bringing my mood up and gardening is something I wish I had the opportunity to do more off.

Distractions are important when dealing with depression, having something to do to take your mind off the daily stresses and worries that weigh us down. If you are lucky enough to have a garden get out there and enjoy it, if it needs working on even better as you have a target to aim for and reach. My great aunt has asked me to go around and help her with some gardening and I cant wait to get out there!

If you do not have a garden how about Ecominds? Its a project run by Mind to get people outdoors

The following is taken from the Mind website

Ecominds projects

Through Ecominds, Mind has funded 130 environmental projects in England to provide a range outdoor of outdoor green activities for people with mental health problems. Some projects are open to all, others require you to phone up for more information, and some require referrals from your GP. Ecominds is part of the Big Lottery Fund’s Changing Spaces programme.

You can search our map to find a project near you.

why not look into it? there are lots of projects around the UK

Let me know how you get on with it, how it makes you feel, and if you have a garden does it help with your mental health?

Even better if your in London/Essex area get in touch and I can help! Im fairly cheap

If you have shrubs that need working on and are unsure how have a look at http://www.gardenhealth.com/plant-care-and-propagation/projects/how-to-prune-shrubs  it certainly helped me with my Aunts shrubs!

Mind Media Awards 2013 – Mind

Mind Media Awards 2013 – Mind.

Entires for the Mind Media Awards are now open.

Before entering, please take a moment to find out more about thecategories and the criteria.

Entries must be submitted directly for the following categories:

The following categories are free to enter and we welcome nominations as well as submissions:

Gym Update

As my training for the 10k run picks up pace (did I mention my run? have you sponsored me yet?) I am feeling pretty damn proud of myself lately.

In the past 2 weeks since I joined I have been to the gym 9 times, thats 9 days out of 15 which is pretty damn good considering my state of mind and physical problems.

I allowed myself a check on the progress I have been making and have, so far done the following

  • lost 2 inches from my stomach
  • lost 11lbs (or 5kgs)
  • shaved 10 minutes off my personal best for 5kms
  • spent obscene amount of money on running clothing! but seriously those running tights rock!
  • felt a new sense of self confidence about how I look

 

that’s not a bad list is! to be fair I am only walking on the treadmill as too much jogging sends far too much pain shooting down my legs so I stick to a brisk walk. In terms of the 10k run all I am aiming to do is start and finish. I have no time goal whatsoever, I’m more interested in raising some money for Mind and actually crossing the finishing line in one piece.

But it is rather nice to feel a sense of achievement for a change and going to the gym is certainly helping my self esteem!

A Month of Stepping into the Light

Today is a month since my book of poems was published.

For those new to my blog the idea was for a collection of poems written by people with mental health illnesses with 50% of the proceeds being donated to Mind a charity based here in the UK.

I am disappointed to say the least that Mind have not helped me to promote the book, especially as more sales equals more money for them but my last contact with them was on 3rd September so I will assume they have forgotten about me and the book.

In terms of sales here is the breakdown for you – not including the free copies I gave to the people who contributed poems.

Smashwords - 8

Amazon – kindle version - 4

Amazon – Paperback – 22

So a grand total of 34 sales in 1 month which is not to bad really. Hopefully if Mind can get behind me it will increase the word of mouth and get people at the very least aware of the book. I guess I can cope with an average of 1 sale a day over a year that’s 365 books! (see I can look on the bright side)

The only blemish is that on smashwords 38 people were given copies of the book in return for a review to be written and thus far only 5 people have done that.  From what I can gather though it is pretty rare for a review to be done anyway so I wont hold it against people because I am nice like that!

The other good news is that my own book is outselling this one and the profits from that one are mine ALL MINE! (evil laugh)