Nothing to Aim for…..

Now the runs that had kept me busy for the past few months are over my mood has completely bottomed out again. The excitement of pushing myself towards the finishing line has been replaced by the sense of having no purpose and nothing to aim for again.

Flooding back is the sense of failure because I can’t get my arse into gear and find something constructive to do with my time. As much as I enjoyed the gym there was a purpose to my efforts, now I can’t motivate myself to go!

I seem to have lost my mojo again!

photo credit: Google Images

photo credit: Google Images

Maybe I need to sign up for next years 10k run, at least then I will have something to look forward to again.

If only I had £28 spare….

In other news tomorrow I get to finally meet someone who means a lot to me for their support and encouragement over the past 12 months. Assuming they turn up of course as meeting the moose in the real world can be quite scary!

Honest Sunday

Following on from my absolute BS post yesterday about feeling better I have to come clean and admit that I am really struggling again.

I am now completely run down to the point where I now have a cold (please God don’t let it be man flu) and the signs of bronchitis just to compound my misery.

My energy levels are at an all time low due to lack of decent sleep for the past few weeks. My mood is down, my motivation has gone.

Writing anything of note is apparently out of my capabilities currently, the number of posts I have in my trash file has increased 10 fold the last week, my novel has stalled completely and I feel like nothing is ever going to go right for me.

Every single thing that I used to enjoy, like reading my mafia books, does nothing for me anymore!

And my sex drive has gone awol too which doesn’t help my shitty mood either!

I am having second thought about keeping the dog now as well. I am sick of him waking me up early every morning clawing at me, my back looks like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct has been at it!

Last time I had scratches like that down my back was during a rather exciting alcohol fueled romp!

The dog is just too much responsibility than I can handle right now, I can barely look after myself at the moment!

Presently I am just one miserable, angry and bitter person and it pisses me off!

It annoys me that I feel like I have to lie to myself (and you) that I am doing well when it could not be further from the truth. It is funny that I get such a kick out of helping other people with depression but cannot seem to help myself.

The biggest thrill in my life at the moment comes from helping out strangers and knowing that something I have said or written has made them seek help, especially men as I know how hard it is to admit their is a need for help.

To top it all off someone very kindly used the donate button on my blog for me to purchase my paperback books and would you believe the effing things have not turned up yet and appear to be lost in the post! Imagine being so poor you cannot afford your own books LOL

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thus it appears that tricking myself into believing I am better does not work wonders so it is back to the drawing board on that.

 

My Open Book

MY OPEN BOOK

A poem or, as friends prefer to say, my lyrical therapy!

 

Baring my soul,

Showing the real me,

Exposing my inner demons,

For the whole world to see.

 

Like an open book,

In my own unique style,

The intention is simple,

I want to learn how to smile.

 

Emotions and feelings,

Fears and frustration,

Depression and Anxiety,

Shared with the blogging nation.

 

The outgoing Garry,

always talking too fast,

Gregarious and outspoken,

Locked in the past.

 

Not gone forever,

Still locked away tight,

With each daily victory,

He is winning this fight.

 

Finding strength from others,

Their battles much more severe,

If they can do it,

I have nothing to fear.

 

I know I can beat this,

Having depression is not a crime,

With the writing I am doing,

It’s a matter of time.

 

Embracing the good times,

Focusing on the things I do right,

Like the lighthouses at sea,

It blinds me with the light.

 

Removing the bad thoughts,

The process of healing,

Pride in my writing,

Is all I should be feeling.

 

Without this depression,

I would not have the desire,

To help other people like me,

To help set them free.

 

I feel like I have found my place,

All this time it’s been in front of face,

I had the strength and the skill,

Now I have the will!

 

So this my book,

It’s informative and smart,

It’s not full of clichés,

It’s written from my heart.

 

The chapters are filling,

But so much more to see,

Keep turning the pages,

Share this Journey with me!

 

My written Salvation,

My victory will come,

It may take weeks, months or years,

But I will have my day in the sun.

 

An open top bus ride,

Through the streets of my town,

The moose beat depression

Garry has reclaimed his crown.

 

This book is my glory,

Its chapters completed,

When I can finally say the words,

DEPRESSION HAS BEEN DEFEATED!!!!

 

=================================================================================

My other terrible attempt at poetry can be found here

Swimming Against the Tide

For a list of all posts please visit Moose Tracks

Swimming Against the Tide

Apologies to all poetry is not my thing but I had a request by someone close to me who asked me to do a poem to describe my feelings. Go easy on me please the last poem I wrote was nearly 20 years ago in school with the English teacher “forcing” me to do it. Well she didn’t force me as such but I had to do against my will.

I hope you like it! I have not been this nervous about something I have written before in my life…..

Swimming Against the Tide

My eyes tell the story,

They know my mouth just lied,

The clouds are still dark ones,

I’m swimming against the tide

 

Waves crashing around me,

My demons dragging me under,

The black clouds bring not just rain,

Now here comes the thunder

 

I look for a vessel,

To bring me to shore,

That one ray of hope,

Bringing me back off the floor

 

Those sharks they are circling,

Getting ready to bite,

They will not get me,

Try as they might

 

I fight to the surface,

My strength is returning,

Depression wont beat me,

The fire is burning

 

Thinking I’m worthless,

Feeling like a failure,

That bright sky in the distance,

It’s my saviour!

 

I am not a good swimmer,

But I am a fighter,

As I struggle with strokes,

The sky it gets brighter

 

One day at a time,

My day of destiny soon arrives,

A testament to my resolve.

I have reached the blue skies

 

Good days or bad days,

The sharks may come back,

The bad news for them,

I’m ready to attack!

 

Dark emotions or feelings,

having nowhere to hide,

I am coming after you now

I’m swimming WITH the tide

 

 

 

 

 

Motivation, Frustration and Other Ion’s

Words ending in ion seem to weigh heavily in my life at the moment so I thought I would look into them in more detail and turn the negativity of some of them into positives.

Biggest one for me at the moment is motivation

“Motivation is literally the desire to do things. It’s the difference between waking up before dawn to pound the pavement and lazing around the house all day. It’s the crucial element in setting and attaining goals—and research shows you can influence your own levels of motivation and self-control. So figure out what you want, power through the pain period, and start being who you want to be.” 

How do I motivate myself when I don’t know what it is I want to do in my life? Setting goals is an easy enough thing to do, anyone can say I want to do this, that or the other but setting realistic goals is different entirely. Are the goals I want to set myself either realistic or achievable? Are they below my capabilities or am I exceeding my abilities? What I do know is that I am an intelligent person who has spent all of my adult life wasting my abilities – that is assuming I have some of course!

Since school I have had all types of jobs but never what I would call a career, is this because I cannot motivate myself to aim higher?  Can I do better with my life or I am simply happy to accept my lot and let the cards fall where they will? Maybe there is a pathway already set for me but I can’t yet see it or have not reached it yet? (That’s deep isn’t it?)

Some days the only motivation I have is simply to get up in the morning (or afternoon lol)

This leads to my second ion…

Procrastination

Everyone procrastinates sometimes, but 20 percent of people chronically avoid difficult tasks and deliberately look for distractions—which, unfortunately, are increasingly available. Procrastination in large part reflects our perennial struggle with self-control as well as our inability to accurately predict how we’ll feel tomorrow, or the next day.

Procrastinators may say they perform better under pressure, but more often than not that’s their way of justifying putting things off.

The bright side? It’s possible to overcome procrastination—with effort.

Sheryl will agree with this ion – I do tend to put things off until there are either done for me or its a last resort. I do prefer to work under pressure BUT in jobs where that has been the case I couldn’t handle the stress it brought me, it made me ill despite me bringing in results, which in turn earned me commission and like everyone I LOVED the commission!

this leads nicely to my next ion

Dedication - the state of being dedicated

The only thing in life I have ever really been dedicated to was playing football as a kid. I was good and had trials for professional clubs until my knee injury prevented me going any further in the game. Since then I have never shown much dedication to anything career wise, sure with my mafia wars group on Facebook I have been dedicated to that for 3 years but in that time nothing else. Does the lack of dedication come from the problem of motivation? 

Which then creates…

Frustration - 

a. The act of frustrating or an instance of being frustrated.
b. The state of being frustrated.

 Because I’m suffering with a lack of motivation, and anything to be dedicated to I get frustrated that my life appears to be heading nowhere which is a cause of…..yep you guessed it DEPRESSION


This dissection of my depression is fun!

The good news is that this blog is really helping me! I have a new motivation each day to write although I didn’t post yesterday but that is more because of me not wanting to burn out rather than I couldn’t be bothered! For the first time in years I have some inspiration rather than just perspiration!

I love seeing how many people have viewed my blogs but I want more viewers, more comments and a lot more people sharing my link lol. Where is the blog going to take me? who knows but it has reignited my love for writing that left me when I left school in 1995. Teachers always said I had a talent for writing and as long as I keep getting positive comments, messages of support on facebook and twitter then I hope the motivation and dedication continues because what I would like is appreciation, adulation and life free from complication!   

I could probably go on all day with words ending in ion but sometimes less is more! 

 
Until next time
Garry