Guest Post – Mark

I have followed Mark for a long time on twitter and he is someone I have great respect for! I was delighted when he agreed to write a post for my blog and I hope you enjoy this as much as I have.

Music is helping Mark in is recovery and you will be pleased to know I have added his songs to the blog below.

This post may be triggering for some as it talks about suicide so please be careful if this subject may be too much for you… now over to Mark

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My story starts on Oct 17th 2001. The day my life changed forever.  I was working as a musician and working for a production company. I also ran 4 performing art schools for children. That day was a normal working day for me another gig another show. During that day we were on the road driving towards the venue when I was involved in a severe road traffic accident. I was a passenger and we were hit by a drunk driver coming round the corner at high-speed. That’s the moment the lights went out and one life ended and another life began. People were killed but I ended up in hospital seriously injured.  So began a long dark journey. I suffered broken bones and a brain injury. After months of recovery it became very apparent that I was not the same anymore. Headway got involved and so began the long slow process of starting life again and trying to recover only now it was different.  I suffered a frontal lobe brain injury. My emotions and everything about my personality had changed. I also found I couldn’t do what I used to do so on that day I had my life stolen from me. Another way of putting it is I was raped of my life. Months went into years and years. I was diagnosed with clinical depression PTSD and borderline personality disorder.

During the following years I attempted to take my own life on several occasions.  From taking overdoses to standing on a train track waiting for a train to come. The train didnt come. Once I was allowed to drive again I also drove to the lake district and took another overdose but some how I was found by the police and was rushed to hospital. We lost our house our cars are savings and most of what we owned .During this time I spent a lot of time inside an acute psychiatric hospital on a secure ward . I did not want to live any more because my life had ended as I saw it , I couldn’t earn the money I was earning and I couldn’t look after my family. My family went through hell my wife wanted to leave me and my children needed counselling. Such was the damage on our lives. During this time I was given a CPN called Kelly Perkins . She turned out to be an angel a saviour . I now owe my life to her. Along with many talking therapies  CBT and others. She along with Lyn Atkins another angel from headway kept us together as a family. Without their help we would not be together today.
Another problem I encountered was the lack of understanding from some family members. Often stigma is very close to home and  on one occasion drove me to another suicide attempt.

In 2010 we decided that the best thing we could do was to move to try and start again as everything around us reminded us of our old life. We moved from Bedfordshire to Dorset.  We settled into a quiet life by the sea. This was the first time I was trying to live a new life with some hope. Sadly during the spring of 2013 I suffered a relapse and ended back inside an acute ward. I was again suffering extreme anxiety depression and suicide thoughts again.
During my stay I found an old guitar and for some reason I started to play a bit again. This resulted in my wife bringing in my guitar.  I now found I had words and songs pouring out of me so I started to write and write.

During this time I had also started to become aware of Dorset Mental Health Forum. Somehow through my recovery this time I found a new purpose and that was that I had a passion for mental health issues and all the songs I was writing was about my lived experience , I had found a new voice and so I started to talk more openly about it. I was on a new meds regime and these were starting to work. I then found myself having meetings with Dorset Mental Health Forum. This led to me getting involved with something called Tea and Talking in conjunction with Time To Change leading to becoming a peer specialist for the forum now I had found a new purpose in life and that was to spread the message of recovery and to tackle stigma. I have been recording all the new material which is now nearly finished and will be available soon. Recently I was inspired to write a song for the Time to Talk campaign which I have done. I have also been asked to write a song for Blue Apple Hero’s about PTSD .
My passion and focus is now on raising awareness and sending out a message through music and speaking that recovery is possible even from the darkest place. I will live with what I have for the rest of my life but thanks to some great people and of course my wife who has suffered greatly  and family I move on to a new life, one that is wanting to see and help others who suffer . That’s my lived experience and I share it in the hope that it brings you hope.

Mark Storey

Mark can be found on twitter here

If you would like to submit a post for this blog please get in touch with me via twitter/facebook or email using the contact page

Breakeven (Falling to pieces) – The Script

One song more than any other perfectly sums up how I feel lately..

 

“Breakeven”

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
(Oh I’m falling, falling)
I’m falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

I Bruise Easily..

I love how the radio feature on Spotify can throw up a song at you that you would not pick up on yourself.

So I am the first to admit that behind the hard exterior I am a big softie..

This song resonates with me

 

“I Bruise Easily”

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I’m learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can’t scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you’re leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I’ll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle…

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

The Storm Is Over

The storm is lifting, the sun is breaking through the clouds again after a rough period

and more importantly the meds seem to be working again :D

And then I heard this song today… And who doesn’t appreciate a good ole session of sing-a-long-with-moose

Ps Ant you have been immense the past few nights, considering how shit you have been feeling yourself I really appreciate it

 

 

 

I was in a tunnel

And couldn’t see the light
And whenever I’d look up
I couldn’t see the sky
Sometimes when I’m standin’
It seems like I done walked for miles
And my heart could be cryin’
Dead in the middle of a smile

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help ’cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
Heard a small voice sayin’

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Now in the midst of my battle
All hope was gone
Downtown in a rushed crowd
And felt all alone
Every now and then
I felt like I would lose my mind
I’ve been racin’ for years
And still no finish line, oh

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help ’cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
And then a small voice sayin’

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Somehow my beginnin’ stepped right in
Then faith became my friend
And now I can depend
On the voices of the wind
When it’s sayin’

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won’t you come and set me free?
Won’t you set me free?

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won’t you come and set me free?

Won’t you come and set me free
Just like, if that guy can see the light, shinin’
Somewhere beyond the clouds
If that guy can see the light, shinin’
Take it down, down
If that guy can see the light, shinin’
The day is going, world is runnin’
The clouds moving, the sun shinin’
I made it home, I made it home
Prayin’ for a pot of gold

The storm is over now
I’am telling you I could see the light
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven over me
Heaven is over me
Come and set me free
Come and set me free
Won’t you come and set me free?

Read more: R. Kelly – The Storm Is Over Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Ipod Dangers….

When you are have a good day like I have had today, you can happily sit on the bus and lose yourself in the music playing on your Ipod. Singing away oblivious to the people on the bus, day dreaming out the window not noticing that someone has sat next you…

And when that happens life is very good indeed… unless the song you are singing at the top of your voice happens to be….

 

and the person sitting you to is a pensioner!

Still on the plus side I will be getting a call from her later……

 

 

Twinkle Twinkle

The ever shy Lilybet found the flip camcorder again and was very kind to allow me to film her again.

This time she is singing so you are very honoured to hear her!

She also appears to be suffering from too much energy as she is bouncing off the walls tonight LOL

 

Somewhere out there is an advertising company looking for a cute kid to be part of a commercial! well look no further!

Enjoy…

Right Said Moose

Today I sent a tweet to the lead singer of Right Said Fred, Richard Fairbrass, directing him to the post where I changed his song “I’m too sexy” into “I’m Too Depressed”

Click here for a reminder of my genius on that particular post

Anyways I was both surprised and delighted to receive a reply from him!

my twitter conversation with Richard Fairbrass

my twitter conversation with Richard Fairbrass

 

He also retweeted my blog to his followers as part of my competition to win a signed copy of my book so the delightful Life-on-the-edge has won the copy of the book

Meanwhile I am heading to the barbers to get my right said fred haircut then waiting for Mr Fairbrass to agree to being a backing singer for the new single :D

 

This Moose’s Work…

Ok  The song is actually called This Woman’s Work but I am allowed some poetic licence aren’t I?

I love Maxwell and his music, hell I seduced many a woman back in the day with Urban Hang Suite playing in the background. If you love soul music seriously go and hunt Maxwell down on Spotify and have a listen, the guys voice is just incredible. This is his version of the song originally done by Kate Bush who I cannot stand as she looks like an old Maths teacher we had in school.

I love how the lyrics from songs can just hit you!

 

“This Woman’s Work”

Pray God you can cope
I’ll stand outside
This woman’s work
This woman’s world
Oh it’s hard on the man
Now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the Father

I know you’ve got a little life in you yet
I know you’ve got a lot of strength left
I know you’ve got a little life in you yet
I know you’ve got a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show
I should be hoping but I can’t stop thinking
All the things we should’ve said that I never said
All the things we should’ve done but we never did
All the things we should’ve given but I didn’t

Oh, darling, make it go, make it go away

Give me these moments
Give them back to me
Give me your little kiss

Give me your…
I know you have a little life in you yet
Give me your hand, babe
I know you have a lot of strength left
Give me your pretty hand
I know you have a little life in you yet
Oh oh oh
I know you have a lot of strength left

My love child
I know you have a little life in you yet
Whatever you need me
I know you have a lot of strength left
Give me your hand
I know you have a little life in you yet
Give me your hand
I know you have a lot of strength left

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show, baby
I should be hopin’ but I can’t stop thinkin’
Of all the things we should’ve said that we never said
All the things we should’ve done that we never did
All the things that you wanted from me
All the things that you needed from me
All the things I should’ve given but I didn’t

Oh, darling, make it go away, just make it go away

Music and Moose

Music plays an important part of my life, I have a strange mix of likes ranging from Rod Stewart, Elton John, Robbie Williams through to the likes of Dr Dre, Eminem. My Ipod has music from each of the last 5 decades!

But when I am down it is interesting how much more of the lyrics you hear as opposed to the music/song overall.

As I have always said to Sheryl hearing me singing is a sign that I am in a good frame of mind but recently I am just sitting listening rather than singing. (Btw this is good news for those with delicate hearing as apparently the noise I hear in my head when singing is not the same noise other people hear!)

Anyhoo…. These lyrics hit me tonight and struck a chord

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don’t stop,
This train don’t stop,
This train don’t stop there anymore

Yep that was me, once the main express – one day it will be the case again I hope and pray!

Here is the song in full – the video is awesome with Justin Timberlake as Elton John

And the lyrics for you to singalong with the moose

You may not believe it
But I don’t believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don’t believe I ever did for sure
All the things I’ve said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality’s just black and white
The sentimental things I’d write
Never meant that much to me
chorus
I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don’t stop,
This train don’t stop,
This train don’t stop there anymore
You don’t need to hear it
But I’m dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read ‘em as they say and weep
I’ve never felt enough to cry
[repeat chorus]
When I said that I don’t care
It really means my engine’s breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground
[repeat chorus]
But this train don’t stop,
This train don’t stop,
This train don’t stop there anymore

“Lord I’m Doing All I Can – To Be A Better Man”

I’m not ashamed to admit this but I love Robbie Williams!

Not only does he have a great surname but he is a great entertainer, while he readily admits his voice is not the best he always entertains and has me laughing when he on TV. I have a lot of his tracks as favourites as mine but today I was reminded of an old favourite that I hadn’t heard for a while and I am now adopting it as my official anthem!

Video and lyrics are below as always have a look at the lyrics and see how they relate to me (and possibly you!)

 

 

 

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I’m getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I’m doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
‘Cause it’s not my fault
I know I’ve been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I’m in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I’m doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you’ve found that lover
You’re homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I’m getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I’m doin’ all I can
To be a better man