Starting Again..

Firstly ignore the post from last night, you may have noticed I can be slightly temperamental at times. I have avoided posting about things lately but this has come at the detriment of my mental health so here we go..

Nicole and Sandra have provided me with some pretty harsh, but very warranted words today. I appreciate people who tell me like it is rather than saying what they think I want to hear.

So yes currently I am pretty fucked up, I am a mess, my emotions and mental health is all over the place and I don’t know whether I am coming, going or even where I stand.

That is not a valid excuse for giving up and accepting things as they are. Its true I wallow a lot at the moment, but remember I have lost not only my wife and best friend but my daughter. It has been a huge shock to the system, especially the way I have been treated since. Thanks to Cindy I have been able to make a lot more sense of things, although it took a day or so to sink in.

I thought I was the whole problem, but I am a part of it only. She needs to do what she has to do to walk away from me and I need to stop taking it personally, she has changed beyond all recognition to me. This only makes it easier because she is not my wife anymore but a stranger.

I sat down today and wrote down all the mistakes I made over the past few years and believe me there were plenty of them, that I wont talk about here. I wasn’t alone in them though, the difference is that I was prepared to work on them and rectify them. I have learnt that you cannot win a fight that has the odds stacked against you, almost fixed in the fact that I can’t win this battle let alone the war.

My self confidence has taken an absolute hammering over the years because I slept on the sofa, imagine spending four years sleeping in a different room to your partner! At first it was because of insomnia but then it was because of the baby. Now maybe you can understand why my self esteem has suffered, why my confidence is low because I had to suffer nightly rejection! It was not even about the sex, it was about the intimacy of falling asleep with my wife wrapped around me and waking up the same way the next morning!

Four years without this! Without waking up next to my wife…

But naturally its all my fault as the man and she is the victim in all this….

My depression was made worse by the lack of self esteem this caused me, yes I am needy and yes I was hard work at times but this was a big issue for me!

Growing up I was always called cocky or arrogant but this was my mask, as I got into my late teens and mid 20s in between relationships I was always fucking about.

As Nate Dogg once said “I got more ass than a toilet seat!” but I don’t want to be that guy anymore. Going out and having meaningless sex does not appeal to me whatsoever! So when people tell me all I need to get over this shit is to go out and fuck someone it insults me!

What I want is someone who will make some effort with me, treat me with respect, accept my issues and help me not hinder me, make me feel attractive and wanted again.  Above all else is for someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because for all my faults I am a nice guy, a good guy and I wont become the wanker I was 10 years ago.

Amazing how your attitude towards things change over time, and believe me I could share some great stories on here about my past experiences shagging a different person weekly.

It’s not me anymore. Whilst I may be a flirt I am not about taking it further just for the sake of it.

I have to try and forge a new direction, I want to try and experience new things. I want to be able to say that today I did something for the first time and above all else I want to stop this negative thinking about myself that other people have turned into a habit.

So lets start again working my way back up and not forgetting who I am, what I am and that I AM WORTHY!

Hi I’m Garry aka Moosey/Mooseman and I have depression.

Tomorrow we begin Operation Fuck The Haters and those who are not with me are not coming for the ride!

Wanting to be loved is my only crime and if that really is a crime what a sad world we live in!

Re-Educating Myself

I am starting from scratch again lately trying to remember what it is I can offer people and the world in general having gone through a stage where my confidence was shot to pieces by the actions of others.

It has been a hard journey!

Not only did I forget about my good attributes but I also forgot the steps I had taken previously in dealing with the black dog of depression, foregoing my recovery in the name of wallowing and self pity.

Self loathing, self hatred and general lacking self esteem are tools designed to keep you sinking further into the darkness but what makes it worse is when it is brought about by outside influences that really should be kept at a distance for the sake of your own sanity.

Talk to me, ignore me, pretend I don’t exist it no longer matters to me anymore. I have a fantastic support network who can now see through my acting but, more importantly, they allow me to come out of the malaise at my own leisure without adding pressure. There is nothing better than knowing that someone is content to sit and listen to you, allowing you to let it all out safe in the knowledge that they are not judging you and are genuinely caring about you.

Some people have had so much shit from me thrown at them and stuck to me like glue, whereas others have turned their backs on me, forgetting the good and using the bad as an excuse.

Fuck them is my attitude now, focusing on those who want to walk alongside me is the biggest change I have made recently as well as reaching out again to those people I know are having issues.

I am learning new techniques I use as coping and/or defence mechanisms which are not necessarily good things and need altering. It seems that when I am on the downward slide I tend to push myself further to reach bottom quicker, the sooner I hit bottom the quicker I can work back up again seems to the method to the madness but this means I tend to go from one extreme to the other often within a matter of hours.

Back to the drawing board there I think could be worthwhile BUT it does appear to work for me at the moment, although I would imagine it drives people mad, especially my Facebook friends with the changing mood status updates :D

For now I am seeing things very clearly, and remembering that Garry has lots of positive things, that far outweigh the negatives. I can offer lots to people if only I take that step back at times from the thoughts of being worthless and useless because it really is utter bullshit.

Self evaluation is a bitter task at times but one that really does need doing, it is vital to look at yourself and focus on what you bring to the table rather than allowing the depression to trick you into believing you are nothing but a drain on people and their lives.

What I am learning the most at the moment is that looking for answers is not the best option, I am now working on asking the right question instead of searching for answers that are not forthcoming.

It is not a case of “why?” or “how?” things have happened but more about “what can I do?”

I need to bring about changes myself rather than sitting back and waiting for it to happen naturally. By changing the questions I ask I can bring about a different direction and path for me to travel, be it alone or with someone to enjoy the roller coaster ride.

But more importantly I will be taking people with me who want to be there and that is the biggest realisation, that there are people who want to be there with me.

I’m happy now to wave goodbye to the people who no longer want me around, those who use me for their own gain when it suits them and generally every person who has let me down, because the confidence I have in myself as a person is returning. I don’t have to accept things as they are, I can do something about them and that is what I intend to do from this moment on.

People will always come and go, but the ones who stick around even after you push them away are to be treasure, others who give in and don’t want to be around you, for whatever reason, will only drain you and drag you down. Cut them out and move alone, surrounding yourself with friends is much better than surrounding yourself with people!

I am a good person, I have lots of qualities that are good but I am human and I do make mistakes from time to time, the thing with me is that I do not hide from my mistakes and try to rectify them, some people just want to focus on the errors and not the good things.

So if you feel upset by my mistakes but are not willing to accept an apology, or try to solve the problem keep walking away, don’t look back because all you will see is me heading into the distance and by then it is too late. I am no longer taking that backward glance or slowly walking in your direction.

I am confident enough in my own qualities that around the corner is someone who will appreciate me for me, and I have enough friends and support to not need people in my life who want to drag me down.

Cutting ties is not as hard for me as you may think…

Down But Not Quite Out

It appears I am much better at helping other people than I am at dealing with my own shit!

But even then I tend to fuck things up so all round I’m pretty damn useless around people.  So a quick apology to anyone who I have pissed off – you know who you are!

Back to my shit though.

This week after a chat with Mrs Moose it was decided that it would be best if she went to her mums, unfortunately this is the second time in the past month so I cannot tell you if it is a separation or the end at this point.  I am hard work, I am moody, needy, selfish and downright lazy and for her to be unhappy makes my depression even worse so mutually we came to this decision. What the future holds is anybodies guess but after almost 8 years of struggling with money worries and my mental health it has taken its toll on the both of us and the fight appears to have gone.

Where this leaves me currently is even harder to decipher, the prospect of adding a failed marriage to my list of failures is real and I am sure this makes me even more desirable to any potential partner.

What has been nice is that a few people have really stepped up in the last few days and made themselves available to talk if I need someone. It is great that people want to return the support I have given them in the past…

My low self esteem continues to eat away at me, add this to being frankly shit scared of what happens now and you can understand why I have been quiet the past few days.

I don’t see myself as desirable, lovable or attractive and I guess until I learn to like myself again I cannot expect anyone else to either. I can go one of two ways now though, I can go back to the gregarious Garry who was in all honesty a complete wanker! or I can sink into my shell even further – it appears that there is no middle ground and again this is something that I need to work on.

Certainly I am not that same 18 year old who would have a different woman a week and just didn’t care what people though of me, after all now I have a reputation as Moose to protect! but wouldn’t it be awesome for me if someone actually wanted me and lusted over me, made me feel like I was attractive. Who doesn’t want to feel wanted and needed? I know I do.

I am now working on being strong and trying to improve my mental health as poor old Brandon worries about his dad! He forgets it was me and him on our own for a few years before Mrs Moose came on the scene, but again I am different these days and he is an incredibly sensitive boy. Not many 13 year old kids have his sensitivity (or dramatic flair!) but he makes me very proud of him.

a rare photo of Brandon and  The Moose

a rare photo of Brandon and The Moose

 

I don’t talk much about Brandon because he isn’t as cute as Lilybet! but in all honesty it’s more about not wanting to embarrass him as he likes to read this blog – I don’t mind him reading it either as it educating him on mental health, something I wish my mother had done with me as she suffered from depression when I was growing up.

 

Lack of Confidence

New Vlog for you all to enjoy (or not as the case may be!)

please leave some feedback on this and my other vlogs so i know if they are worth doing or not. Feeback is important to me!

and now for some uplifting, hopefully inspiring music!

a reminder as well that the ele website from Mind is available here

Bullied….By Myself

I am a victim of bullying.

As a kid I was bullied for wearing glasses, I was bullied for being good at football, i was bullied for having a twitch with my nose that made me look like a bunny rabbit! I was bullied for being mouthy as well. I was one of those kids who could never keep his mouth shut and got a few well deserved good hidings as a result of my big mouth.

Only these things were, to me, a part of growing up and did not really impact on my life as a kid/teenager. Those days I could counter any abuse with my own vicious tongue and gave as good as I got more often than not!

But now I am bullied and tormented daily.

Everyday I am told how useless I am, that I am a failure, a waste of space, a shit father and husband and how my blog and books are awful etc.

The difference now is that the person bullying me is myself!

So the question is how do you deal with the self esteem issues that eat away at you?

There has always been 2 Garry’s. There was the one who wore glasses and there was the one who wore contact lenses.

The difference between the 2 of them was one had confidence and the other did not.

One was capable of talking to and approaching women in night clubs etc and did not give a shit about rejection etc. The other would sit in the corner.

One would dance the night away not caring what anyone thought of his “unique” moves. The other wouldn’t even be in a club to begin with.

So when did the change from being confident person (albeit a front) to this person know who I barely recognise?

I know which person I prefer being!

People who have met me in real life recently will be surprised to know about my self esteem issues as I think I carry myself off as a confident, self assured person. To an extent I am, especially when surrounded by other people.

I am surprised myself that I suffer from low self esteem! it really does make me laugh because I know it is not the real me! but then when was the last time I was the real Garry?

With this in mind I am going to try a different approach for the next month and focus on everything positive that I do or have done! A post explaining more will follow shortly!

Anyways I heard this song written by Jessie J about bullying and I wanted to share it with you. I am playing this as my confident self to the Garry who bullies me because as of this moment I am putting a stop to it and standing up for myself!

One of those songs where lyrics jump out at you and inspire you!

 

Oh, so you think you know me now
Have you forgotten how
You would make me feel
When you dragged my spirit down?
But thank you for the pain
It made me raise my game
And I’m still rising, I’m still rising

Yeah Yeah

So make your jokes
Go for broke
Blow your smoke
You’re not alone
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now
So raise the bar
Hit me hard
Play your cards
Be a star
But who’s laughing now
But who’s laughing now

Down, Down, Deeper and Down

It has been a really tough few days, not sure what kicked this cycle off but since Thursday morning I have been in a bad way.

Started off looking forward to attending another Mind workshop and headed off feeling okay. Half through between home and the underground station my stomach was in knots and anxiety kicked in, to the point where I almost went home again. It didn’t help that the central line was suspended when I got there but I jumped on a bus to a different station and made my way there.

I am always quite vocal at these workshops and every time I contribute I feel like I come across as too overbearing and eager to be heard, I’m sure the people at the workshops would disagree but while I am chatting away or contributing I can hear my brain telling  me to shut the hell up and let others have a say.

I can’t fight this feeling of self loathing no matter how hard I try. I only have to look at a mirror to feel unhappy.

I hate the way I look, I hate wearing glasses, hate going grey, hate being fat and pretty much despise everything about my appearance.

I am desperate for some new glasses, the ones I currently have are a few years old now but the problem I have is that my vision is so bad I have to get my lenses thinned. If I keep the lenses as they come they look like coke bottles as they are so thick and I would never wear them out but it costs a small fortune to get the lenses thinned which rules out any new glasses in the near future.

I used to wear contact lenses but they cost money too and Lilybet wont come near me without my glasses on, yet I feel like a much more attractive person without glasses. When I was younger and out on the town with the boys I would never go out wearing glasses. I used to get zero attention from women wearing glasses, in fact one time I was approached by a woman in a club when I was wearing my contacts, unfortunately for her the previous week I approached her whilst wearing glasses and she practically laughed in my face! great for the confidence!

It’s not about making myself feel more attractive to the opposite sex though, after all I have a beautiful wife but all the knock backs over the years are playing havoc with me now. Don’t get me wrong I have had plenty of success too but only a couple of people ever really saw me in glasses!

So how can I get over this issue with my appearance? any suggestion because it is bringing me down. I can’t seem to lose any weight, exercise doesn’t do much besides cripple me because of my knee problems and I am so ashamed of my weight! The other side of losing weight is that I couldn’t afford any new clothes if I lost weight anyway!

Yet it would be lovely to feel like a success and not a failure even if it was for a day!

As I was explaining to someone the other day I don’t look at the fact that I published 2 books as a success, I look at the sales figures and think no one is buying them because I’m a failure and I can’t get out of this mindset.

I have done nothing around the flat the past few days, I have no clean plates because I am too useless to get my fat backside into gear and wash up! Poor Sheryl is rushed off her feet and I do nothing to help her which only increases my self loathing.

Somethings gotta give in the coming days/weeks because I am struggling to deal with this especially during the bad cycles, which are becoming more frequent!

Serves me right for starting to think I was beating this depression!

And don’t get me started on my constant need for validation and reassurance! Believe me it annoys me more than it does you guys on twitter or facebook who have to read my whiny tweets/status seems the deeper I think about my triggers/causes for depression the more issues I reveal!

Caught It!

Having had a good week I was expecting the mood swing to come sooner rather than later. From Monday morning until Saturday afternoon all was good.

I was carefully watching the signs for the changes trying to learn more about what causes my downswing and yesterday I caught the mood change.

It happened over a couple of hours and I could feel it happening, from feeling “normal” to suddenly feeling anxious and low. The IBS kicked off as soon as the anxiety returned so there I was back to square one again.

Only time I knew what had caused it!

At weekends Sheryl goes down to her parents, every other weekend she works a few hours and Lilybet gets to see her brothers (my 2 step sons) and grandparents, meanwhile Brandon goes to stay with his mother leaving me home alone.

Usually at weekends I get to watch as much live football on TV as I want, so enjoy being left on my own without having to watch kids cartoons or even having to interact with anyone besides my online friends. In fact I hate it when people are around at weekends interfering with “my time”.

So it turns out I love being on my own but hate my own company!

How the hell do you solve a riddle like this?

Within hours of Sheryl leaving I was all over the place yesterday, completely low and full of insecurities.

Always questions like why I have no friends in the real world? and lately a real desire to go out for a JD and coke or 17! It has been years since I went out for a good drink, but having no friends makes it impossible as I wont go on my own and will not drink indoors.

So when did it happen that I hate myself or more appropriately being on my own?

I mean besides having a degree in sarcasm and being a piss taker I am a nice guy aren’t I?

The “needy” side of depression kills me at times, why is it I always need reassurance?

I never used to be this way.

Have always been well adept at showing confidence and generally not caring about how others saw me.

One day I will work out this needy issue I am sure it all stems from something locked away from my childhood days.

But for the love of God will someone show me some love :D

The good news is I have got an appointment from the Mental Health team for another initial screening but this time not with a CPN but the next person along the chain so will be able to discuss this self esteem problem I seem to have.

Me, issues with self esteem! Does not make any sense to me!

The fat four eyed depressed man has self esteem issues!

That last part was kind of a joke albeit a bad one