Internal Fighting, What Will Win?

It is kind of like the battle between good and the dark side, being pulled one side one day and to the other side the next!

It is draining me emotionally and mentally to the point where if I could switch off I would happily just walk away and not look back.

Heart vs head

Is there anything harder to try to separate? even more so when your mental health suffers as a result.

Where either consequence results in suffering.

It has been 7 months since Sheryl left and I still miss her terribly, the past few weeks has been hell because I have been dreaming about her almost nightly, same message albeit different scenarios. Bare in mind that over the last few years it is rare that I remember my dreams, yet each morning I wake up feeling like the dreams were real. This makes me feel disappointed, which sets me off on a down spiral again.

Then of course is the feeling that I should just forget about the whole fucking thing and move on with life, which is a lot easier said than done. Part of me feels the time is right to wash my hands of the whole sorry situation now, obviously as she wont talk to me, let alone see me it is what she wants me to do…. so why cant I?

There is something that still holds me back from making that last step but what is it?

Stubbornness? Love? Fear of what’s next?

Have not got a clue to be honest, dont know what to do next

What I do know is that the sooner this infighting stops the sooner I can concentrate on actually getting my life in some sort of order because right now this is taking up all my time, effort and energy just staying above water…

That being said, if all else fails….. some of you lovely readers must have a few single friends to send my way :D

 

Hanging On…Barely

Well the black dog has returned bringing an army with it this time, black clouds, thunder, lightning and darkness not seen for a long long time.

The pretending and putting on a brave face only works for so long before the eventual breaking down comes and the longer the game of pretense the harder the fall.

So here is where I am at currently..

Stuck in the payday loan nightmare where I had to borrow to survive post xmas and now have to attempt to repay the monies borrowed – of all the shit that has come with depression the fact that I am so bad with money is the biggest and most demoralising issues for me. For the next month I will be surviving on pretty much fresh air and handouts..

The other main issue is the fact that I am so  eager desperate to reach out to someone and remind them how I feel in the hope that the feelings are going to be reciprocated, even though I am 100% sure they are not… thankfully each time the long email/essay has been written I have yet to send it (thank fuck!)

Hiding away from the outside world because I just can’t face going out again – even though I am in need of a full-blown alcohol induced night out! but I have no one to go out with let alone money to spend on it.

My IBS is playing havoc with me again, I had a great friend come visit me yesterday and sadly for him he got an insight into how bad my stomach can be on days like this – a sure sign that I am highly stressed out/ anxious

I feel like I have to just get on with pretending to be alright because people expect me to be by now!

On top of this I received a letter from Atos with the dreaded medical form enclosed so lets look back at how things have gone since my last medical.

In Sep 2012 I had a lovely woman from Atos who did my medical (and yes she has probably been fired), who gave me 18 months to get my shit together, which I was doing up until the last six months…

I have lost my closest ever friend to cancer, my marriage broke up and I still don’t know the ins and outs which causes more issues, I attempted an OD, I am STILL waiting for therapy despite being on the waiting list for nearly 2 years and the GP I had so much faith and confidence in left leaving me with two new doctors to start building a relationship with. I am yet to feel like I can fully confide in both the new GPs so when I do see them its all about smiling and pretending to be fan-fucking-tastic..

Honestly I feel more like breaking down than carrying on at the moment and the more I try to fight this shit the harder it appears to be getting.

Thank God for Maria who comes round and gives me a hug from time to time because virtual hugs do not just cut it despite the well-meaning intentions…

It has been a long time since I gave in and let the tears out but at the moment I just can’t seem able to, why I do not know but maybe I am slightly worried that once they start they wont stop. If someone would only offer me a shoulder and an ear..

I am getting to the stage where I am well and truly sick of having to type about things via social media when I would rather talk about things..

So if you ask me how I am and I say OK, don’t be upset that you know I am not being honest, just know that I need more than the virtual right now…

Drained and Run Down

I am completely worn out. I have very little energy to do anything besides wake up and head back to bed a few hours later.

Stress has just got me so run down to the point that I now appear to be coming down with a cold, which means even less energy than normal. It also means more time “thinking” which is never good for me.

There are things I want to get off my chest and talk about but they are so ridiculous I am embarrassed to talk about them.I have done some very silly things the last few days/week.

Most of the things causing me stress are the usual unanswerable questions and things beyond my control that I like to spend hours worrying about.

On top of this we can now add a new problem to my ever growing list, the stress I have put myself under has resulted in me grinding my teeth again when I sleep. I had this problem about 10 years ago, and it is back.

This means that not only am I sinking lower and lower, my bowels are in overdrive, over thinking everything, tennis elbow that has been killing me for 5 months I now have constant toothache and my face has broken out with a lovely rash so the red blotches are really good for my looks!

I am not looking after myself very well and honestly need looking after.

Is it any wonder that she left me when I am such a fucking mess, why friends avoid me etc

I am well and truly fucked right now

sdrawkcaB gnioG

My recovery has gone backwards over the last 10 days or so to the point where I could actually spot all the warning signs and have moved quickly to work towards stopping the slide.

Friday I went back to the Dr and spoke to my new GP for the first time. I didn’t want to give her too much information as she is new to me and doesn’t know my background – losing Dr Dhanji is a huge blow for me because he could tell within seconds how I was actually doing before I even told him.

I had been two weeks medication free and thought I was doing well, I WAS doing well if I am honest, BUT I could see little things happening again that were giving me reason to be concerned that the spiral was starting again.

It started with an innocent question from someone “how are you REALLY doing?” and 10 minutes later I was still opening up to her, someone who doesn’t really know me outside of her professional capacity yet I opened up the dam and couldn’t plug it. She asked if I was okay because suddenly I was shaking and emotional, almost like a panic attack…

Mentally I had been feeling much better and improved, but emotionally everything that has gone on over the past 3 months have taken a toll on me and obviously in hindsight coming off the meds was not the best idea at this time – please no told you so’s!

Losing Mrs Moose has been like a death to me, trying to accept her decision and move on, let her go, has sent me back into a state of grieving that I did not fully prepare myself for. Let alone not seeing Elizabeth everyday, when I do see her it breaks my heart because I have to let her go again. We play a game where I light a candle for her and she has to blow it out and make a wish, every time she does this her wish is the same “I wish mummy would talk to daddy and come home!” – hearing that coming out of her mouth hurts plan and simple!

I’m losing friends at the moment as well, some because I have pushed them away, others because they have backed away and it all adds up to more rejection, which then feds the self esteem demon that plagued me for years.

My sleeping is causing a problem as insomnia has returned which in turn means I am sleeping during the day again – something that I worked bloody hard to eradicate as I know this was an issue for Sheryl in the past.

IBS has also returned which shows that i am stressed, I had managed to control this for a month or so and could actually go out in the mornings without fear of accidents – that is not the case anymore.

So welcome back sleep issues, IBS, stress and anxiety…. bad enough I have had to cancel my gym membership as money is so tight again, so add hermit back to the list……

BUT SOME GOOD NEWS….

I caught it all happening BEFORE it escalated and prevention is much easier than the cure. The fact that I have asked to, and been put back on anti-depressants does not make me a failure. It means I was aware of my symptoms to the point that I could ask for help before I ended up back in the clutches of depression and can start again with my recovery.

As I have said before, asking for help shows strength not weakness and at the moment I am happy to admit I need more help than I thought, and now I have it!

The thing with recovery is that you need to be able to go at a reasonable pace and unfortunately for me I went straight into the fast lane before I was fully ready.

I need to make changes, want to make changes but I need to make sure that I can walk properly before sprinting off into the distance and that is a lesson I have learned the hard way…

So back to the start of my recovery with more experience and a better idea of what to expect. The important thing is to be proud that I spotted the signs before they got too bad.

 

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either  RIP Izzy

All Cried Out

Apologies for the lack of posts recently!

The past week has been incredibly difficult for me and writing was the last thing on my mind.

It started off last Saturday when Mrs Moose went and stayed with her mum for a few days as things have not been great in our marriage and she needed some time out to think. Unfortunately being married to someone who suffers with depression can be extremely difficult and frustrating especially when that person is in a bad cycle and just wants to sleep!

Sheryl has put up with a lot of crap from me while I battle with this black dog and I can be both exceptionally lazy and useless in equal measures at times. Thankfully after four days we sat down and spoke about what we need and want and about how we can work together to get things back on track. The up shoot of this all is that she has joined the gym with me and we intend to work out together as well as attend yoga classes together once a week.

The harder I work at improving my mental health the more I ignore other aspects of my life and working at my marriage was one of those things I neglected. Thankfully a pep talk from some spiritual sources made me pick up the phone and get Sheryl round for a chat, rather than sitting here alone and wallowing letting my marriage fail.

So marriage back on track and my girls back home where they belong I walked into the kitchen on Thursday morning and found my kitten dead on the floor. The poor thing had been ill for a while as she would eat food really quickly and then spend the day throwing up or choking. It was still a heart breaking moment as she was a lovely friendly cat who used to sleep with me at night and liked to sit on my shoulder when I was here at the computer. Thank God I found her though and not Lilybet, its been hard enough trying to explain Cat Heaven to her the last few days.

So after lots of tears this week I am pleased to say that I made it through the week!

Yes you read that correct the moose cried a lot this week! and I am not ashamed to admit it.

And yet here I am ready to do my first run tomorrow morning and very proud that I have raised over £500 for Mind but at the same time dreading the runs over the next 9 days because they are going to hurt my knees.

I also wanted to give a big shout out to the following people for helping me the last week and being there when I needed them. In no particular order

  • weegee
  • madd
  • Gary
  • Maria
  • Antonella
  • Tracey
  • Adam
  • Jem
  • life on the edge
  • little whizz
  • Bethan

I am always quick to moan that I have dont have many friends but the online ones I have never fail to be there for me and I am very happy for that! It was also nice that my twin brother stepped up as well. The poor thing suffers from terrible moose envy but is a great bloke and his wife is lovely too! Thanks Dave and Deb.

Tomorrow not only will I be celebrating crossing the finish line I will be raising my arms aloft at the victory that this week was over depression. I made it through the hardest week in a long time!

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either  RIP Izzy

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either RIP Izzy

The Joys Of Work Related Activity Group (WRAG)

For those of us who were fortunate enough to have been deemed unfit for the work, yet able to work soon by ATOS we were placed into the Work Related Activity Group (WRAG) as part of receiving our Employment Support Allowance (ESA) benefit.

This mean our futures were in the hands of work program provides and I was blessed to find myself in the (in)capable hands of Seetec.

Not content with being spoken to like shit, being forced into attending degrading training sessions, being ignore when emailing my adviser it seems impossible for someone to actually change me from being on Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) onto the correct benefit of ESA.

Today I had to go into their office for a “mandatory” appointment, by mandatory it simply means if you do not attend your benefits will be sanctioned for 4 weeks! yep 4 weeks of zero money!

So getting myself into a state, as normal when I have to attend appointments with Seetec I made my way there. Thankfully a friend took me as I did not have the £3 needed for bus fares! I walked into the office…

No talking to an adviser, no suggestions of how to get back into work or anything helpful like that….

It turns out I had to attend the meeting to collect a fucking letter!!!! yes the type of letter than can be sent in the post for the price of a stamp! but hey fuck doing thing easy for people, lets make them panic and spend money on travel instead!

Taken from Seetec’s website –  www.seetec.co.uk

Seetec is one of the UK’s largest and most experienced providers of Government ­funded employment and skills training programmes, helping thousands of individuals find employment or gain qualifications every year.

Seetec employs hundreds of dedicated and experienced staff across a national ­network of training centres to ensure that our customers and business partners benefit from an innovative and high quality service.

With a reputation for integrity, innovation and quality, our vision is to work with you to aspire towards, achieve and sustain your objectives through our training, employment and consulting services.­

if you put a shirt and tie on a piece of shit is it not still a piece of shit?

Now bare in mind I have been on  ESA since March 28th 2012 and we are into May 2013 is it really too much for me to have expected someone to notice that I am not on JSA? not forgetting the number of times  I have told them!

So now having picked up my letter I am being told that if I don’t attend on the following days I will have my JSA sanctioned!

14/05/13 1.00

16/05/13 1.00

20/05/13 1.00

22/05/13 1.00

24/05/13 1.00

28/05/13 1.00

30/05/13 1.00

03/06/13 1.00

Despite the facts that

  1. I am not on JSA
  2. I am deemed unfit for me
  3. I am not supposed to be searching for work

but lets not get the truth involved in this when we can instead make someone with mental health issues suffer!

Thankfully before I had even opened the letter I made the point of once again mentioning that I am not on JSA so I have been asked to attend at 12 next week to try and get this matter resolved with the job centre. History tells me I should not bother holding my breath.

Still as I am a benefit scrounger I can afford £3-£5 a day three times a week for bus fares!

Just another success story in the work related activity group that Ian Dickhead Smith swears by!

 

Exercise On Referral Scheme (EORS)

Having had my initial appointment with a member of the exercise on referral scheme I can now provide you with further information, although remember that the prices I show may not be the same in your area so please do not quote me on them.

The scheme is a national service which relies on referrals from your GP to gain access to it, it is not something that has been advertised massively but has been running for around 5 years. All GP’s are aware of the scheme and can be signed up to it if they have not already done so.

The idea behind it is to help people gain the benefits of exercising but it is a lot more than that. As I spoke to Steve yesterday he emphasised that it is just as important to them to help people get back into the outside world again, and finding a new routine. This is ideal for someone like me who, besides shopping and the nursery run, rarely leaves home unless essential.

Having been weighed, blood pressure taken and hips and waist being measure we spoke about what goals and plans I have for the length of the course. The EORS scheme for me is 6 weeks long with 2 sessions in the gym a week. This means that I HAVE to go out at least twice a week, out of my normal comfort zone but it also gives me something to look forward to and we all know how much I love having something to focus on!

For the 12 sessions I have to pay £12, £1 a session, which is very very reasonable for attending a gym twice a week if you ask me!

Once the 6 weeks are up I get the option of discounted gym membership for 12 months, the fee is reduced to £17 a month, which gives me unlimited access to the use of the gym. This will be perfect for me especially with the 10k run only being 2 months away and I still have not been able to train! and £17 a month for gym membership is bloody cheap especially around these parts of Essex/London where some places ask for £70+!

So besides the benefits of exercising regularly, leaving the house more often and the feelings of increased self worth gained from my exertions what is the downside of this scheme?

If you can find one let me know because I cannot think of any. The instructor will not push me to levels outside my capabilities and is more worried about making me enjoy the sessions – what more can you ask for? no pain no gain is not something i believe in, pain = moose stops :D

Do you think this is something that may help you? Speak to your GP about the scheme and find out if it will benefit you, its not just for helping fat gits like me but people with depression/stress/anxiety as well!

And if it does not work for you then at least 6 weeks down the line you can at least say you tried.

As for me I can’t wait till my first session next week! The gym wont know what hit it!

 

 

 

A Shitty Weekend

Quite literally!

So far this weekend I am pretty sure I have broken the world record for number of toilet visits!

More a case of going for a number 222 than a number 2!

This is means that my stress and anxiety levels are going through the roof and I have no idea why.

Just when I get my depression back under some form of control and things start looking up for me my IBS returns and life becomes unbearable again.

You have no idea what it is like to be spending the day in fear of shitting yourself, and if you do then you have my sympathy!

Depression is one thing but it doesn’t mean you spend any time outside the home looking for toilets that are 1) clean and 2) actually have paper in them!

Now if only I could work out what is causing this life would be better again!

Thankfully I am able to laugh at my own misfortune as you can see from the photo below! but it really gets me down at times!

mooseshit

photo credit: Google

photo credit: Google

 

Guest Post – Elizabeth

7 Surprising Signs You Are Stressed to the Max!

We already know that an upset tummy and symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome are sure signs of being stressed to the Max…yet, there are many other surprising signs that our bodies give us letting us know that we are in a full blown Stress-A-Thon!

Stress is a Killer! I’m not kidding…stress not only leads to digestive distress but also to high blood pressure, stroke, depression just to name a few problems I’m sure you don’t want to experience.

While there are many ways to reduce stress…some of my favorites are: meditation CDs and deep breathing exercises. However, watching out for sneaky stressors is still as important as taking that first deep relaxing breath…Ahhh!

Surprising Sign #1-Weird or Recurring Dreams
You know you are burning the candle at both ends when your stress takes you into SlumberLand. If you routinely dream of missing the bus or your house is burning down, two of the most common stress dreams, then you know it is time to learn how to let go of your stressors.

Surprising Sign #2-Tight Muscles
Turns out that stress causes our muscles to tighten up…leaving us in a more vulnerable spot for injury. It’s time to take a Deep Abdominal Breath in…ahhhh!

Surprising Sign #3-Twitching
While we are on the topic of spasms, have you ever experienced an eye twitch or your calf twitching…then you know yet another sign that you are stressing.

Surprising Sign #4-Tooth Trouble
Grinding your teeth as you sleep or even clenching your jaw while you are awake without realizing it are both ways of “chewing over your problems”, however, these behaviors do not unstress you. Quite the opposite, they cause lots of pain and discomfort.

Surprising Sign #5- Changes in Your Menstrual Cycle
Women commonly complain of unusually bad cramps or even a missed period when stressful times are paramount. When your stress subsides, your menstrual cycle will most likely return to normal.

Surprising Sign #6- Losing Hair or Going Grey
We have heard people say that a stressful or traumatic situation turns you grey…but it is also true that people commonly lose hair, literally the hair follicle becomes lose when we are stressed. Amazing that stress wreaks havoc over EVERY part of our body.

Surprising Sign #7- Super Sniffles
Stress plays an impact on our Immune System lowering our defenses and making us twice as likely to catch a cold over other times we are not as stressed. It all has to do with cortisol, the stress hormone. When cortisol is elevated, the inflammatory response is suppressed  Therefore, when we are exposed to a virus, our body cannot fight it like other less stressful times.

Boy! That is quite the list! I am sure all of you have experienced one of these symptoms before in your life. I am hoping that has subsided for you…and if it hasn’t ..this list may be enough to trigger another stress attack! That’ ok…start breathing deeply…it will pass in no time!

 

Elizabeth has her own website http://www.letgoofibs.com/ and can be found on twitter here

Quiet Moose

You may have noticed the silence from me over the past few days, if you haven’t why not :D

Truth be told I am having a difficult time dealing with financial issues resulting from my stupid gambling problems. When I went mental a few weeks ago I basically wiped out Sheryl’s overdraft and since then we start every week with a balance of minus £200 and benefits are getting swallowed up trying to play catch up.

As we speak today I got my benefits yesterday and have a grand total of £50 available for the next 2 weeks once all bills were covered (and by all I mean the essentials), food shopping is not an option so we are working our way through whats left in the freezer as the fridge is empty and the cupboards almost bare.

I can cope with most aspects of mental health but the stresses of poverty are dragging me under as usual especially as we approach the dreaded C word period.

I am asking for help in publicising my books to at least try and help me earn a few quid pocket money.

Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that cremations cost so much money!

I am working hard emotionally to keep a brave face on things and I appreciate all the people who have gone above and beyond trying to support me, one person actually donated some money to me yesterday an unbelievable act that had me in tears at the gesture.

For once I would love to be able to not worry about money and the stresses lack of it brings, after all I am on benefits and we are meant to live the life of a king according to the media! The truth is much different though, sure my rent is paid and for that I am grateful as I have the security of a roof over my head but what about other things in life, should I really have to contemplate disconnecting the internet and my only real lifeline in terms of the outside world? yes its getting that bad!

Without internet access obviously that means no blog and this is such a passion of mine let alone the social interactions I have via Facebook and Twitter.

I am sick of reading about how easy life is for people on benefits would love to see Mps living on what money we receive especially as it is paid fortnightly so your living on fresh air for the week before and the week after you get money because bills and shopping takes it all away soon as you get it. In fact I haven’t done a proper food shop for weeks now but it’s Okay because I am on benefits and therefor extremely well off! IF ONLY

Of course it is easy for people to tell me to find a job but in case your not aware I am too ill to work!

Looking at things to sell to make money and only thing I have of value is my body! any offers?