Trigger Warning…..It (almost) Killed Me…

This has been in my drafts file for a while, not indicative of how I feel or felt at the time.

No suicidal thoughts here before anyone starts to panic, but when the creative juices flow I just let it out.

This is one of many drafts that I will be posting in the coming days.

If anyone has any suicidal thoughts or any issues with suicide I would suggest not reading this

 

 

I left the house with many bad thoughts running through my brain,

My tears falling down my face like the heaviest of rain.

Alone and scared I made my way to the pre-selected place,

The time had come to stop wearing that fake smile upon my face.

 

The light was staring right at me,

I knew the time was right,

Once last look at the world I knew,

On this, my final night.

 

On to the track I hurled myself,

As the train came roaring past,

The pain would soon be over,

the next breath would be my last.

 

I missed the train and landed on the track the other side,

Cursing my luck I sat on the verge and openly I cried.

But there was another way, and other things to try.

I wandered to my next location with a grimace and a sigh.

 

The cars were racing down below me,

I wouldn’t feel a thing,

Released myself from the bridge over them,

and see what the landing would bring.

 

As my luck would have it,

I landed just behind a passing lorry,

It seems I couldn’t time it right,

Another reason to be sorry.

 

Drowning would be the best idea,

because I’m not a swimmer,

I threw myself in to the sea,

Hoping to be the fishes dinner.

 

Alas a passing fisherman saw me in me mid flight,

He dragged me from the water and pulled me up into the light,

He spoke to me with kindly words, tried his best to make me alright.

This was not my real destiny, I had to start to fight.

 

Back home I sat all alone,

The darkness my only friend.

Until I saw all the missed calls, and messages on my phone,

This was not the way for it to end.

 

The more I thought, the more I felt relieve,

that I held on a little longer,

It only goes to show,

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

 

 

 

 

An Update for You

I am still wifeless – she wants space so I am leaving her in peace.

I am coping pretty damn well though if I do say so myself. The flat have been hoovered, there is no dirty laundry and all washing up has been done. It appears I can be domesticated how would have thought….

My depression is not being allowed to affect me, as much as I am hurting right now I HAVE to stay strong for my own sanity as well as for Brandon and Lilybet.

I know a few people are concerned about any thoughts of suicide so let me reassure you all that the thought has never even crossed my mind! All I am focusing on is dragging the old Garry out from where he has been hiding, kicking and screaming if necessary!

I am Moose I AM STRONG!!!!!

I have been through enough over the past 2 years to know I can survive anything if only I realise how fucking awesome I actually am! There I said it I am awesome! I have helped lots of people through my battle and who am I to deny the public its craving for moose!

This brings me nicely to my next point….

How do you help someone with depression when they are going through hard times?

Judging by the lack of messages from people I have known online for many years it appears that doing nothing and saying nothing is the best way…

Now let me tell you this, if I am going through shit times nothing and I repeat NOTHING brightens my day more than a message from a friend asking if I am ok, and letting me know they are there if I need/want to talk.

It is not a case of saying the wrong thing, it is all about letting that person know you are there for them. By doing nothing you are only adding to their issues because it makes them think that you couldn’t care less. Believe me I am talking from experience!

It takes a few minutes to send someone a message yet that could have such a positive reaction and make a huge difference to that person.

As much as I moan about not having any friends in the real world I have some brilliant folks in the online community who have been checking up on me and listening to my wallowing…. as for those who haven’t bothered well that is their loss not mine I am not bitter about it, I would say more vindictive is my nature <evil cackle>

As I have tweeted many times before make effort with people with depression and it will help. I don’t always wanna talk about depression! I am depressed but I am still Garry/Moose I can still take the piss out of you like I used to :D

Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing prevents people from getting in touch but my experience is that I would rather have someone accidentally say the wrong thing but with good intentions than being ignored..

So to summarize for you

1) I have no suicidal thoughts or feelings

2) Moose is fucking awesome and starting to realise it!

3) Don’t be a stranger

 

 

One Year Ago..

This coming weekend is a tricky one for me. This time last year was the lowest point of my life when I was ready to do something silly and end it all!

Thankfully the really negative thoughts I have been dealing with the past few days have subsided enough for me to be able to look back at how far I have come in the last 12 months with a sense of pride and achievement.

I have said it many times before but cannot emphasis enough how important is can be to realise that hitting rock bottom does not have to be the end. The challenge of fighting back and seeing a new day brings it’s own rewards.

At times it has been a struggle, especially as I am someone who finds it difficult to see the positives, but I am still here! I am still fighting and I have not given up.  And that is reason to celebrate a new improved Garry since the dark days of March 2012.

In a strange way dealing with depression has made me into a better person. I am more tolerant of other people and their problems and certainly more open and honest about my own issues, as opposed to the person who took years before admitting he needed help. I certainly feel more creative since I decided to embrace my illness and try and turn it into something that could provide other people with a point of reference in terms of how someone copes with depression.

The biggest difference for me though is that I am not afraid. I am not afraid to ask for help when I need it, not afraid to talk openly about my depression and not afraid to face anything depression can throw at me.

I know there are bad days and good days and the important thing for me is that I know that mood cycles do change. When I am going through bad cycles I know that good ones are just around the corner and this helps me get through them.

A trick I like to use when I am having a bad day is to use the clock to my advantage. One day has only 24 hours in it so when I am having a bad day I work out how many hours are left in the day and wait for tomorrow to begin when it may be a good day! It may not work for you but worth trying out at least.

Here’s to another year of never feeling so low I think about not being alive anymore!

6 Months Ago Today…

6 Months ago today…

 

I was sat in the office of my Dr crying my eyes out as I finally revealed the depth of my depression to someone for the first time.

I had finally overcome my stubbornness and stopped pretending everything was okay.

I can still remember the sense of relief when the Dr told me I had depression like it was yesterday, finally I knew there was actually something wrong with me and that it was not all in my head. I had lived in denial for so long I was convinced there was nothing really wrong me and I was simply going mad.

This is why I feel so strongly about helping other men in my situation, knowing how bad I felt inspires me to make sure that it does not get to the suicide attempt stage before asking for help.

Six months is not really a long time in the grand scale of things but for me it has felt like a lifetime and I am very proud of how far I have come in that time. More good days than bad, although the bad are very bad, but I am learning more each day about how to combat the symptoms and triggers of the bad days to ensure that as bad as they get they will never again tempt me onto the window again.

Yet there is still a long way to go starting with my visit to the mental health hospital on Thursday for my “initial screening” as it is possible I have bipolar disorder according to my Dr following on from our last appointment.

If I can continue on the current path I am on I have faith all will work itself out in the end, one way or another but without the appointment with my Dr on 28th March one thing is for sure and that is that I would not be here to help others.

If I can seek help then what is stopping you?

 

Embarrassing Things I Can Share to Help Others

The issue of why people don’t talk to their GPs, especially men, is one that I would love to address.

Why would we rather hide things than speak to someone who can help us and address the issues at hand?

Is it the embarrassment factor that holds us back? Doctors have seen plenty and I would imagine they are pretty unshockable when it comes to health matters.

As someone who pledged to be open and honest about my depression and related illnesses here is a list of things that I have seen my Dr about recently that would be embarrassing to others.

These are not embarrassing to me because I have done them but believe me at the time it was

1) Telling the Dr about how often I have “accidents” from IBS.

Talking about #2 is never an easy subject to bring up. Trust me it is easier to talk about than telling people that you shit yourself a lot!

For a lighthearted look at “poop” watch this video

 

 

2) Erection problems

Ok stop giggling yes i said erection

 

The biggest and most difficult issue for a man to talk about – especially to a male Dr!

But alas I had to make an appointment and tell the Dr that the meds he had prescribed me had sent “Garry Senior” into hibernation*

I would rather stand in the center circle of a packed wembley stadium and announce I had soiled myself than have to speak to another person about problems with my manhood!

But I did it because I needed to.

3) Finding a lump on my left testicle

Probably even more embarrassing because this involved actual prodding and touching! Not just by the Dr but by the specialist and eventually the surgical team who had to remove the lump, which turned out to be a cyst.

It has left a nice scar but I decided for the sake of your eyes not to upload a picture :D

 

4) Explaining that I wanted to kill myself

 

Embarrassing because men are meant to be the strong ones aren’t we? what a load of phooey! Best thing I ever done was admit how bad things had become for me.

 

Why am I sharing these with you?

It is because if I can have the strength to speak to my Dr about these things then why can’t someone like you?

I am no different to any other person out there, if you need help go and ask for it. It will not come and find you.

I can assure you that your Dr has seen it or heard it all before!

Remember asking for help is a sign of strength not a sign of weakness and it could be the best thing you have ever done and be the start of the recovery you was desperate for.

* Garry senior is not his real name. :D

More About Depression

Moose:

Originally posted on 18th June this was my second ever post! contains some helpful information about depression for those who would like to learn some more.

Originally posted on The Depressed Moose:

Why am i writing this blog? well to be honest i am not 100% sure! I would like to think that lots of people will read my words and have an “eureka” moment and realise that depression is something that doesn’t care about class, gender, wealth or any social status. Maybe your reading this and thinking “this sounds like me and how I feel” if I could help one person then I feel justified in writing and if no one reads this whatsoever then at the very least I am helping myself!

Taken from the NHSDirect website

Depression is a very common problem.

Many people feel ‘low’ or ‘down in the dumps’ at times, but for some people the problem becomes much worse and ‘normal’ life becomes difficult.

In its mildest form, depression does not stop a person from leading a normal life – however, there is cause for concern if it affects your daily life.

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Six Months is a Long Time

This weekend marks 6 months since I hit rock bottom see here for details of how low. Whilst I do not want to keep bringing up what is now known as “the window incident” I can look back with an overwhelming sense of pride and achievement at how far I have come in that time.

It got to the point where my life could have ended but with the help of good friends, spirits looking over me and a new relationship with Jesus I have been on a steady incline since that day, despite the highs and lows of the past 6 months I have never again been as bad as I was before.

So lets look back at how far I have come because it is important with an illness like depression to celebrate the steps made in recovery.

  1. Started this blog in June – yep still only a newbie in the blogging world it feels like a lot longer but I’m still learning bits and pieces and (hopefully) improving as a writer!
  2. Published 2 books on mental health illnesses – now I am not sure if I have mentioned my books before but what the hell it’s a bloody good achievement despite my doom and gloom over the sales, The fact is (including around 35 free copies) I have sold 90 books! holy crap 90 books! Thats in paperback and ebook formats
  3. ok this has to be said again 90 books!
  4. I am helping people – I have received numerous messages from people who have read my blog telling me how they have been either inspired or helped by what they have read! Complete strangers have reached out to me! The sense of pride I feel when people contact me is unbelievable.
  5. I am raising money for charity with the poetry book. If I raise only £10 then it is still an achievement.
  6. I am making new friends on wordpress, twitter and facebook and becoming “known” for my blog.
  7. I am raising awareness about depression and getting people educated in the process.
  8. 90 books! seriously that’s blown me away 10 away from 3 figures I am gonna have to find a way to celebrate, maybe a signed copy or two as a competition LOL
  9. My marriage has never been better since I sought help about my depression. I see couples breaking up over mental health illnesses and a reluctance to talk about it. I am hoping to break down some barriers about the importance for men in particular to seek help and open up.
  10. I feel like my kids, and step sons are proud of me for having published books. More importantly I am proud of myself for being brave enough to post everything without being anonymous and holding nothing back. It gives people a face to the illness and makes them realise they are not alone.

 

as lists go this is not bad for 6 months work is it? considering if I did a list for the previous 10 years it would not be more than 1/4 long.

Heck I even managed to quit mafia wars!

So my message to you all is list your achievements, stand back and look at them and get that sense of pride you deserve for all the work you put into recovery. It’s not about how many is on the list it is all about the fact that there is something there for you to be proud off!

 

The Point of no Return

Moose:

Reblogged for world suicide prevention day! this talk about my own battle with suicide and how close I came to it,

Originally posted on The Depressed Moose:

image

View of my flat from the gardens

The photo above was taken from the gardens of my flats. My flat is the one on the top floor.

The window on the top right is where I lean out off and smoke. It is the window I stare out of and think, sometimes deeply, about my life. It is where I watch the foxes with their new cub, the pigeons and the squirrels fighting over the bread we throw out.

It is also the most important window in my life!

It is the window I considered throwing myself out off during my darkest days and on more than occasion! On the last one I had one leg up on the window sill and was ready to go but something pulled me back, what it was I do not know but that night was the day I decided to see my Doctor and get help.

image

The open window

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The Funeral – world suicide prevention day

 

 

The hearse entered the gates of the cemetery, followed by an almost endless stream of cars each one heading to the cremation of a lost friend.

Every person was shocked at the turn out of well wishers and mourners, there were hundreds of people in attendance.

Somberly each seat inside was filled with people until there was standing room only. The sound of a river of tears could be heard as the coffin was slowly brought into the crematorium.

A lone figure was sat on his own in the back of the room, no one acknowledged him as he arrived and he could not see anything of the service, just hearing the vicar conducting the ceremony. There were so many faces he recognised as he scanned the room, people he considered friends as well as family. All shedding tears at the sadness and sudden loss of the person they had all come to say goodbye to.

He could make out snippets of conversations from people each one asking the same question, none of them able to come up with an answer.

A few people stood in front of the gathered people and spoke about how much they would miss the deceased, how wonderful he was, kind and considerate he was truly loved dearly by those who struggled to speak. In between tears the general consensus of the people here was that this person had so much to offer the world and his loss would be felt by everyone in attendance.

Finally a voice he could hear clearly, it was his mother speaking. He could not understand why she was so upset. She spoke about the sadness of finding this person dead in his house, an overdose of pills and alcohol. The empty feeling in her heart that the suicide had caused her.

Suddenly the voice became quiet, he could not make out what she was saying. He wanted to reach out and hold his mum in her time of need. He fought his way to the front of the room and stood still in horror. The photo on top of the coffin was him! He was attending his own funeral and seeing the devastation first hand that his death had caused.

“Where were all you people when I needed you?” he screamed.

“Why didn’t any of you contact me when I was alive and desperate?” he was becoming angrier at the people who had neglected him while he suffered in silence. Yet they had all come to say goodbye.

By the time he realised how loved he was by so many people it was too late!

He wished they had taken five minutes out of their lives to be there for him, a quick phone call, a surprise visit, an invitation to a night out. Any of those things may have prevented this tragedy but they were all too busy for him.

As “Abide with me” played and the coffin disappeared behind the curtain the man headed outside to the bright light that was calling his name.

He took one last look at the people crying and wished he could’ve had the chance to undo this all.

 

 

Today is world suicide prevention day!

This story is my little way of saying that maybe that person you have not spoken to for weeks or months may be desperate for your call. Life is too short as it is without feeling so alone that the only option you feel is suicide.

 

World Suicide Prevention Day 10th September

Moose:

I intend to write a short over the weekend to promote on monday. It is an issue close to my heart with my aborted attempt, my uncles threats and a friend who committed suicide 8 years ago, with me being the last person she ever spoke to.

Originally posted on Voices of Glass:

The fact that suicidal thoughts and ideation has been part of my life since early childhood is no secret and I have written about it on this blog several times before.

It is a subject dear to my heart as it is a very real spectre that can haunt the mind of many a person.  Not only those of us who suffer from poor mental health, but many a person and it  can and has also cast very dark shadows over the lives of those who have lost a loved one through suicide.

World Suicide Prevention Day 2012 is on September 10th this year and it is something I am encouraging everyone to get involved in.

The world Health Organisation state that…

The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined.

Its a staggering statistic isn’t it?  And we…

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