Most of you don’t know the REAL me, you are learning snippets to form the picture but let me say I am usually a confident person. Not always a true reflection of how I am feeling but I am very good at painting the picture of confidence to hide the insecurities I feel on the inside.
On Monday I have to attend a “back to work session” appointment that has been made for me. As far as I am aware failure to attend will result in a loss of my benefits, BUT I started these sessions when I was on Job Seekers Allowance and now I am on the new Employment and Support Allowance or what is more commonly known as “on the sick”.
The problem here is that I will now be grilled about why I am not looking for work, how ill I really am and made to feel like a failure and a fraud all in the name of “helping me”.
To put across a balanced view this may not actually be the case however you try telling my head that because it is all I can think about and it is causing me a lot of stress!
I know I have signed up for a training course with Mind but that is different because I chose to sign up for it as opposed to being forced into it!
So here is the really “shitty” part of the problem, excuse the language but all will become clearly in a minute.
When I get stressed out over things like this my bowels go mental! I can’t leave the flat for too long as I constantly need to go to the toilet, and not for a number 1. I am averaging around 15 toilet visits a day at the moment and the only thing that has changed in the past few weeks is this appointment and it’s impending arrival!
This is a big part of my reluctance to leave the flat and go to far because I have soiled myself whilst out on more than a few times in the past year or so! Too much information I hear you all screaming but it is a major source of embarrassment for me as well as a massive worry!
Had the tests from the Dr and he can find nothing medically wrong so I know it is stress causing this problem. So now you understand why I don’t like going out or why just going to the shops is a big deal for me!
Yet I have to get on 2 buses there and 2 buses back with money I don’t have and travel for an hour each way whilst trying desperately to control my bowels. One stray cough and it will be the day from hell!
Hopefully Monday won’t be the daunting experience I expect it to be but in the meantime I still have 2 more days of stress, panic and toilet seats! The plus side is that Andrex are making a killing at the moment!