Lately on Facebook I have started to feel like I am invisible to all but a select few people. I guess it comes from no longer playing mafia wars and therefor not having anything in common with most of the people who are still on my friends list (130 people).
One thing I have noticed about myself, especially on the days when I feel most depressed is how needy I am. I like to feel like people are interested in me as a person and crave attention and affection. Let me give you an example of this, I posted the following as a status update on Facebook yesterday
“How would you know how I am, you never ask!”
This was posted over 24 hours ago and ONE person responded to it! one out of 130 “friends”!
I am the sort of person who doesn’t like always having to make the first contact because I feel like people should want to know how I am, as opposed to me forcing onto them. Does this make me a bad person? I have had this chat with many of my female friends on facebook and they all say it should be down to me to initiate contact but why should that be the case? Shouldn’t people who know I have depression be trying to see how I am?
My Facebook page dedicated to this blog has 85 “likes” and to me it pisses me off that some of my “friends” haven’t liked it. Why haven’t they? Would it really hurt them to take 1 minute out of their game playing time to click like? Because it hurts me that they haven’t!
This shows me how depression is really a lonely illness. We all need someone who is going to take 5 minutes and ask “how are you?” and really mean it, really want to know the truth as opposed to the automatic “I’m ok thank you” response. The more people who ask the better it makes us feel because we don’t want to feel like we are invisible. I am not going to rip your head off for asking neither am I going to open the flood gates and drown you with tears!
Later on I posted the following status message
Had a great day today for those who asked! 2 in a row here’s hoping it continues tomorrow!
In less than 10 hours 7 people have liked this and one person has commented.
What does this tell me? Quite simply that people are only interested in the “positive” comments and not the ones where they can sit there and roll their eyes thinking “here we go again Garry is in a mood”.
Now don’t get me wrong although this appears to be a rant its really an observation into how people deal with others with depression. I am sure some of you will comment about the same sort of issues, HINT HINT please comment :-). So I assume from now on the need to only post positive things will draw people back to me ?
I wonder how many of these people would notice if my account was suddenly deleted, would they care? would I be missed?
What I do know is that the wordpress community feels more like home to me these days than Facebook! So maybe you lot should be adding me on Facebook and keeping me busy 🙂
I am not invisible but on the depressed days I sure as hell feel like it!