The truth is I can’t do it anymore, can’t keep pretending I am doing better. I am tired, exhausted emotionally.
I am throwing myself into other projects, trying to take my mind of depression. Attempting to write a novel, already at 6000 words, using the escape from reality to justify the pretend smile on my face.
The strategy was working for a while, I was feeling happier. I really enjoy writing, no I LOVE, writing. This book I am writing is gonna kick ass! A best seller you mark my words (of course the reality is going to be different but I have to try some reverse psychology or I will never finish what I have started)
I’m back in the expecting too much from people phase. I don’t tweet unless it’s about my book, desperate to push people in its direction. The reason why? The royalties from any sales would cover Christmas. Yes I said that word and it’s only August. A lot can happen between now and December but honestly I cannot see anything good happening in that time.
Since Sheryl and I have been together we have had nothing but bad luck. Things breaking that we cannot afford to replace, cars being broken into you name it and it has gone wrong for us. I cant see a way out today.
The weather has cooled down significantly today, it is now 7.40pm as I write this and of the 19 hours so far today I have been asleep about 12 of them. Not a big sleep of 12 hours though wake up after a couple of hours, feel miserable so go back to bed. I don’t want to do anything, no writing, no interacting with people nothing. I want to be left alone to wallow but I am desperate for someone to do something to help me. Fine poke away on Facebook but I would really appreciate a 2 line message asking how I am instead.
Today I feel like a broken man devoid of any passion, energy, motivation. Empty is probably the best way of describing me today.
I know it will pass and tomorrow could be different, if only I have the energy to plaster my smile on. Smile and the world smiles with you.
IBS has been visiting again the past few days, it had been gone a few weeks. I know its back because I ate cheese and then broke the land speed record trying to get to the toilet. Something else to bring me down. I’m tired of being positive, it is draining.
This week I have to go back to the work program again, albeit this time with the ESA specialist who seemed really nice when I spoke to him on the phone. He told me there would be no pressure on me to look for work as long as I am claim ESA but I don’t trust these people, don’t trust anyone in positions like this, designed to catch people out.
Surely it is not a coincidence that I feel like shit on the week that this appointment takes pace.
So I have some questions that I am hoping some of you can answer
1) if you had a laptop that you did not use anymore because 2 years ago you bought a new one, (in that two years you never touched the old one just kept it in the cupboard). If your brother asked for the laptop, even offered to buy it from you would you say no? If the roles were reversed I would give the laptop to my sister! am I being unreasonable?
I have found a little place, a secret bench tucked away from the world. I want a laptop so I can sit there and write with no distractions from internet, tv, kids & the world. Sigh….
2) why am I so desperate for people to talk to me, but so good as pushing people away?
3) why are am I either really up or really down? there is no medium ground its on or the other. 4 good days are ruined by 1 single bad day – thats how bad the bad days are!
Here is hoping tomorrow will bring a better day but seeing as the appointment that stresses me out is on Thursday I am not looking forward to this week!
The truth is today I feel lousy, alone and angry with myself.
And I am going to force myself back into my book and maybe answer some of my questions while I am at it.