I haven’t had a “good” day for so long now, it feels like weeks since I felt positive about anything that is going on.
I really just cannot shake myself out of this negative frame of mind that I am in and expect everything to go wrong lately, as I said in the past if I did not have bad luck in my life I wouldn’t have any luck whatsoever but just lately everything is grinding me down. I feel like I am slowly being sucked in a whirlpool.
All I seem to be doing lately is sleeping during the day. I don’t sleep at night until 3am, on average, and usually wake up after 4 hours. Within 2 hours I just want to head back to bed and stay there all day.
I have no energy, I am emotionally drained and physically I have nothing to offer.
And it is pissing me off!
I should be happy with the things I have done lately, but with all the crap that is going on with every other aspect of my life I just cant focus on anything good.
To be honest depression is walking all over me at this moment in time and I do not have the strength to fight back. I am so much more content when helping other people because I can take my mind off my own issues.
Issues that are getting worse. Financially between Sheryl and I we have a bank balance of -£180, yes that is a minus sign.
I miss having a car because I cannot do public transport, it is too traumatic for me with the IBS and worrying about any potential accidents I may have (with the IBS not any traffic accidents)
I feel like I could give up very easily which goes against everything I stand for, How can I claim to help others when I cant even help myself?
But fighting back and pretending to be positive is too draining, I have nothing left in the tank.
Too many things are getting to me, If Elizabeth makes that whining sound again today I think I am gonna go mental!
I want my focus back that I had when working on the books, I am at a standstill on my romance novel because I just cant be bothered to do anything!
It’s a tough time in my world at the moment and hopefully this is the “got to get worse before it gets better” stage because if things get any worse I may just go to bed and hibernate until next year.
Sorry if I am letting people down at the moment, I certainly feel that is the case. I am trying get better but at the moment it’s not happening in the way I would like.
5pm as I write this, soon be tomorrow and who knows maybe it will bring with it some new resolve.