Following on from my absolute BS post yesterday about feeling better I have to come clean and admit that I am really struggling again.
I am now completely run down to the point where I now have a cold (please God don’t let it be man flu) and the signs of bronchitis just to compound my misery.
My energy levels are at an all time low due to lack of decent sleep for the past few weeks. My mood is down, my motivation has gone.
Writing anything of note is apparently out of my capabilities currently, the number of posts I have in my trash file has increased 10 fold the last week, my novel has stalled completely and I feel like nothing is ever going to go right for me.
Every single thing that I used to enjoy, like reading my mafia books, does nothing for me anymore!
And my sex drive has gone awol too which doesn’t help my shitty mood either!
I am having second thought about keeping the dog now as well. I am sick of him waking me up early every morning clawing at me, my back looks like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct has been at it!
Last time I had scratches like that down my back was during a rather exciting alcohol fueled romp!
The dog is just too much responsibility than I can handle right now, I can barely look after myself at the moment!
Presently I am just one miserable, angry and bitter person and it pisses me off!
It annoys me that I feel like I have to lie to myself (and you) that I am doing well when it could not be further from the truth. It is funny that I get such a kick out of helping other people with depression but cannot seem to help myself.
The biggest thrill in my life at the moment comes from helping out strangers and knowing that something I have said or written has made them seek help, especially men as I know how hard it is to admit their is a need for help.
To top it all off someone very kindly used the donate button on my blog for me to purchase my paperback books and would you believe the effing things have not turned up yet and appear to be lost in the post! Imagine being so poor you cannot afford your own books LOL
Thus it appears that tricking myself into believing I am better does not work wonders so it is back to the drawing board on that.