Caught It!

Having had a good week I was expecting the mood swing to come sooner rather than later. From Monday morning until Saturday afternoon all was good.

I was carefully watching the signs for the changes trying to learn more about what causes my downswing and yesterday I caught the mood change.

It happened over a couple of hours and I could feel it happening, from feeling “normal” to suddenly feeling anxious and low. The IBS kicked off as soon as the anxiety returned so there I was back to square one again.

Only time I knew what had caused it!

At weekends Sheryl goes down to her parents, every other weekend she works a few hours and Lilybet gets to see her brothers (my 2 step sons) and grandparents, meanwhile Brandon goes to stay with his mother leaving me home alone.

Usually at weekends I get to watch as much live football on TV as I want, so enjoy being left on my own without having to watch kids cartoons or even having to interact with anyone besides my online friends. In fact I hate it when people are around at weekends interfering with “my time”.

So it turns out I love being on my own but hate my own company!

How the hell do you solve a riddle like this?

Within hours of Sheryl leaving I was all over the place yesterday, completely low and full of insecurities.

Always questions like why I have no friends in the real world? and lately a real desire to go out for a JD and coke or 17! It has been years since I went out for a good drink, but having no friends makes it impossible as I wont go on my own and will not drink indoors.

So when did it happen that I hate myself or more appropriately being on my own?

I mean besides having a degree in sarcasm and being a piss taker I am a nice guy aren’t I?

The “needy” side of depression kills me at times, why is it I always need reassurance?

I never used to be this way.

Have always been well adept at showing confidence and generally not caring about how others saw me.

One day I will work out this needy issue I am sure it all stems from something locked away from my childhood days.

But for the love of God will someone show me some love 😀

The good news is I have got an appointment from the Mental Health team for another initial screening but this time not with a CPN but the next person along the chain so will be able to discuss this self esteem problem I seem to have.

Me, issues with self esteem! Does not make any sense to me!

The fat four eyed depressed man has self esteem issues!

That last part was kind of a joke albeit a bad one

 

13 comments on “Caught It!

  1. I am so impressed that you caught it! What an awesome thing you have done that is going to help so many others as well as yourself. Now that you know the cause, which from my point of view is not that you hate being alone, you can start doing things to combat it. Personally I think you had put up a defense mechanism for yourself each weekend knowing that everyone was leaving you at home, but really you enjoy their company in the house. Now that Lilybet goes to school somedays you have more of your me time during the week and the weekend is different. Again you are amazing to have discovered this!!!! Way to go mooseman!

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  2. Depression seems to bring out a needy side in all of us. But while we just seem stuck with it, Moose has grabbed it by the throat, given it a shake and seen what falls out. And what’s left, is a stronger, clever , and (if possible) more loveable. Please keep inspiring us to rise with you Moose. You are the best. xx

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  3. That alone time can be bliss but it can be the scariest of all. We have only ourselves. We can seek distraction and bury ourselves in it and sometimes it works. Other times, however, we see ourselves. Over the last few months I’ve had so much time to reflect on myself. I’m learning now to take myself as I am. Day in day out, moment to moment. I have unattractive qualities, which I acknowledge, but I also have good traits, which I shouldn’t be shy to claim as mine!

    You have a fantastic sense of humour and a wonderfully caring and embracing nature. Now, sure, I don’t know your less positive qualities (perhaps, god forbid, you’re a nose picker, a belly button fluff grower!) but, all those things are YOU! Your lovely wife and children love the whole package!!

    Learn to face all of you. Learn to acknowledge the parts you’re not so happy about, change them if you can and want to and, if not, forget about them! Be proud of who you are, what you’ve achieved.

    Keep being you; just as you are.

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