I am constantly being asked what caused my depression. I wish it was as simple as finding a “cause”. As most people with depression know, it’s a brain thing; my GP said that my brain misfired a bit and it will eventually repair itself. I like that, it makes the guilt that I am not “ fully functioning” a lot less painful.
I had a hard time in work in 2010, did that cause my depression? Probably not, it didn’t help that’s for sure but I doubt it was the cause.
I got divorced in 2011, did that cause it? Again, probably not; when you’re already depressed which my ex reckons I was for years then everything that ends up being less than good makes it worse. Bit by bit, your depression takes you over, you don’t notice it but it’s there like the drips that cause stalactites and stalagmites.
After my divorce, my life changed. Not just because I no longer had a husband but because I only had to look after myself and my cat. No one would moan at me if things didn’t get done, I only had myself to blame and that was liberating. After the house was sold, I moved into a temporary apartment as it was just before Christmas and I hadn’t had a chance to do any flat hunting. While there, I made a drastic, some say brave, decision. I moved away from the area I had lived in for 10 years and relocated myself to a town where I only knew 2 people. It was a revelation, I have rented a little 1 bedroom flat with a garden and I finally feel settled. Sounds like I’m cured right? Wrong! I still struggle with the depression and every day at the moment is a struggle.
In the summer, I applied to study part time at the University of Kent, never believing for a moment that they would accept me but I was wrong. In September last year, I started my course, it lasts for 6 years but I don’t care, as long as I do as well as I can and graduate I will be happy.
Also in the summer I did something that I can only describe as crazy, I abseiled down my local church tower (100ft tall!) I hate heights, with a passion. I froze on the ladder on the way up the tower but was more scared of going down it than out onto the roof! After a lot of persuading I did it, I didn’t enjoy it and got told off for saying it to someone but I did it! I lived on that high for a few weeks.
So to cap all this off, in the last year or so, I have changed my life, partially because of necessity but mostly because I wanted to. I don’t want to be the person I was when I was with my ex, I need to get my confidence back and I need my brain to fix itself. Until that happens, I will cope, life will get tricky but I will see a way through it because I have to. Depression is not going to beat me, I can’t allow it to and I have to graduate in 2018 so nothing can stop me doing that. You hear that depression? You have been warned!