In the Trenches
From the moment I wake up to the quiet midnight hours when I finally convince myself to seek sleep, often with unbrushed teeth and the days tired makeup still in place,
-it’s presence is tangible.
The empty hole just beneath my chest weighs heavy with its handiwork and the uncomfortable pressure pushing in on my lungs like a poorly fitted corset is a constant reminder that all is not well.
Like a snake the depression twisted its way in, poisoning my mind and crushing all life from my heart. It is from this place that I write today..
My name is Natalie and I’m 41 years old. I was diagnosed with Bi Polar 1 13 years ago, but I suffered with severe depression for years before that. My adult life has been rudely interrupted on numerous occasions with lengthy stays in hospital psych wards, countless sessions with well meaning Psychologists and crazy concoctions of mountains of medication.
It has been an exhausting ride, a roller coaster ride that I’ve been strapped into for life, and so a few years ago I decided to learn to use each depressive episode to make me stronger, more compassionate, and more prepared for the future.
Right now I’m worn out.
The depression I’m in has had me in the trenches for 3 weeks now with no sign of relief. The enemy bullets are flying in fast and low; self loathing, ruminating, low self esteem, anxiety, hopelessness…
My Doc increased my anti depressant, but to no avail.
So we wait,
And we hope,
Because this too shall pass.
In the meantime, take courage in the trenches. I know you feel alone ( I know I really do), but you’re not so don’t isolate yourself. Safety in numbers! Also, keep your helmet pulled on tight to protect your mind from enemy attack. (Often I’m my own worst enemy).
This war on your mind and body will end, the bullets will cease… think back, they eventually always do.
And then once again the sky will be blue for me and you.