It appears I am much better at helping other people than I am at dealing with my own shit!
But even then I tend to fuck things up so all round I’m pretty damn useless around people. So a quick apology to anyone who I have pissed off – you know who you are!
Back to my shit though.
This week after a chat with Mrs Moose it was decided that it would be best if she went to her mums, unfortunately this is the second time in the past month so I cannot tell you if it is a separation or the end at this point. I am hard work, I am moody, needy, selfish and downright lazy and for her to be unhappy makes my depression even worse so mutually we came to this decision. What the future holds is anybodies guess but after almost 8 years of struggling with money worries and my mental health it has taken its toll on the both of us and the fight appears to have gone.
Where this leaves me currently is even harder to decipher, the prospect of adding a failed marriage to my list of failures is real and I am sure this makes me even more desirable to any potential partner.
What has been nice is that a few people have really stepped up in the last few days and made themselves available to talk if I need someone. It is great that people want to return the support I have given them in the past…
My low self esteem continues to eat away at me, add this to being frankly shit scared of what happens now and you can understand why I have been quiet the past few days.
I don’t see myself as desirable, lovable or attractive and I guess until I learn to like myself again I cannot expect anyone else to either. I can go one of two ways now though, I can go back to the gregarious Garry who was in all honesty a complete wanker! or I can sink into my shell even further – it appears that there is no middle ground and again this is something that I need to work on.
Certainly I am not that same 18 year old who would have a different woman a week and just didn’t care what people though of me, after all now I have a reputation as Moose to protect! but wouldn’t it be awesome for me if someone actually wanted me and lusted over me, made me feel like I was attractive. Who doesn’t want to feel wanted and needed? I know I do.
I am now working on being strong and trying to improve my mental health as poor old Brandon worries about his dad! He forgets it was me and him on our own for a few years before Mrs Moose came on the scene, but again I am different these days and he is an incredibly sensitive boy. Not many 13 year old kids have his sensitivity (or dramatic flair!) but he makes me very proud of him.
a rare photo of Brandon and The Moose
I don’t talk much about Brandon because he isn’t as cute as Lilybet! but in all honesty it’s more about not wanting to embarrass him as he likes to read this blog – I don’t mind him reading it either as it educating him on mental health, something I wish my mother had done with me as she suffered from depression when I was growing up.
It is about learning to love yourself again or at the very least liking yourself, accepting and feeling good about what you have achieved over the past year. I told you once and will keep telling you that – do not underestimate it. The amount of people you have helped, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you, is brilliant. I’m glad I found the Moose and I’m sure there are others who would agree with me. And btw Go Brandon! Go Brandon! 🙂
thanks Mary! im glad you found the Moose too 😀
Moosey, down but never out. Just climb that ladder back out one rung at a time. Relationships are so complicated. We don’t have the black and white of our parents’ generation which makes things much more fluid. Which is good because that means there can be ebb and flow. Hope things feel more hopeful soon.
thank you! it can make or break me but i expect it to be the making 😀
Garry, first let me say how proud I am of you for putting all this in your blog for others to learn from and grow. What courage that takes from anyone!
Second, I am reading a book about how we are conditioned as kids to believe and alter our lives based on the truths or lives that are spoken into our lives. How we are always meaner to ourselves than others and that our true road to joy is in accepting and loving ourselves. The first step is speaking positive loving things to ourselves. I do not suffer from the serious issues you address everyday, but I do suffer from insecurity and self esteem issues which are rampant everywhere. If we could just all learn to love and be our true selves them others would love us in turn. Too bad it’s easier said than done. Love you moose.
thank you Juliana
Brandon is a good boy and that is because you brought him up to be so! 13 is a funny age, they think they are all grown up (especially mine as he’s so tall 😐 ) but still want and need lots of reassurance and cuddles and want to be tugged up in bed for the night. You are there for him, he’s there for you. The 2 of you will be fine 🙂
thanks Tina 😀
Although its sad what’s going on perhaps it gives you and Brandon a chance to get to do things together again
but he is sooooo annoying 😀
Wonder where he gets that from
As someone who also has Bipolar and has been divorced twice now I feel I can say with a fair amount of certainty that it’s not the end of the line for us. Most Bipolar marriages end in divorce, which is quite sad. But you are a good guy and you’ve got a lot to offer the right lady moose. Spend some time focusing on taking care of yourself and getting as well as possible and make sure that the kids know that no matter what the living arrangements may end being, their parents still love them very much. Hang in there, I know it’s hard.
I’m sorry things are so tough for you right now. I’m sending you good vibes that it gets better. xx
thank you Viv all good thoughts/prayers/vibes needed and appreciated x
Garry
You know I love ya and you know I’m around I may not be very visible but I am around. I’m sorry what you’re going through and know the pain as I have been through it.
Just stay strong for the kids mate.