How Depression Makes Me Feel

I love writing, I love being someone who openly talks about suffering from depression and being seen as someone who helps others talk about mental health. Whilst I don’t use my blog as much as I need to I often post on my Facebook page and it generates plenty of discussion. I have people who always contribute on there and it inspires me to continue when at other times I feel like if I disappeared from view no one would notice, of course that’s bollocks but an example of the lies depression tells you.

Since the start of December I have been on a downward spiral, out of control at times and emotionally burnt out and its noticeable the changes in my personality caused by the black dog.

I’m naturally outgoing and gregarious and crave attention (there I said it!) I love being around people and bounce off of them. However at times I go from one extreme to the other, either quiet and sullen or more and more outrageous. In fact there are times when I’ve gone so far past over the line that I can no longer see it…..

It stems from low self esteem, wanting to be liked and loved….

I know that i have great people in my life who want me to be happy and who watch out for me and I’m lucky in this regard. I’m loyal to those people and will do anything for them.

When I am down like this I feel insignificant, almost like an irritant to people. I struggle with the concept of 400+ people liking my page, 600 people following this blog and being considered as inspirational to others, especially as I took such a long break from this part of my life.

I need to go back to my roots in terms of coping with depression and stripping myself down (photos available on request)….

I’m hurting, have been hurting for a long time and throwing myself into cocktails is not the answer. I’ve always been able to enjoy myself without the need of enough alcohol to stun a moose yet I’ve drunk more in the last 8 weeks than i have in the past 8 years. I can take or leave drink though, im not concerned by it although others have expressed their fears.

I’m big and ugly enough to acknowledge my mistakes and make amends to people I have wronged and apologise where necessary and yet there is one person I have never apologised to, one person Im nasty to and unforgiving to and thats myself.

So I need to be kind to me, to see myself how others see me. To not believe the things depression tells me I am And show people the real side of me, not just the front. Or at least give someone the opportunity to break down the walls without worrying about getting hurt….

And make this blog great again….

2 comments on “How Depression Makes Me Feel

  1. Thanks for sharing this. I can relate to so much, and thank you for reminding me that the person we need to like is ourselves. So hard, but we have to keep trying

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.