One of the things about depression I hate the most is that feeling of being a failure. I think of all the symptoms this is the one that drags me down the most of all.
I can handle, for the best part, most of the other symptoms except the negative ones. Always in the back of my mind is that little voice chirping away at my insecurities. In many ways I wish I had not published books because I am constantly checking for sales and seeing none makes my feelings of failure and worthlessness grow.
There has been sales though that’s the annoying thing about it – although not as many that I can start to employ a team of staff to cater to my every whim.
Below is an image of my smashwords dashboard which shows sales from my books
This does not take into account sales from Amazon or paperback sales which are all done separately but as you can see Diary of The Depressed Moose has sold 13 copies since 10th August. However all my brain focuses on is that it has been downloaded 50 times. With smashwords you can preview 20% of the book and that counts as a download, this means that 37 people have downloaded the book and previewed it and then not purchased it. This makes that little voice scream failure.
Stepping into the Light has sold a lot more copies but 35 of them were free copies given to people who submitted poetry.
Try as hard as I can the positive fact that 13 people have purchased the book does not seem to get through to me.
I should be screaming from the roof tops with pride that I have sold 21 books overall shouldn’t I? so why can’t I do it?
The same logic applies to my time job hunting. In 18 months I applied for over 400 jobs and was only selected for 2 interviews! Failure or rejection do not work well in the mind of someone suffering from depression!
As you know I am attempting to write a novel, it is a romance one so would appeal to a wider audience but if the truth be told I am scared of completing it and self publishing it. The fear of it failing eats away at me, in the previous two weeks I had written an average of 10,000 words a week, and yet in the past 8 days I have written 2000. I am scared of what happens after I finish. I will have no other project to work on to take my mind away from depression, as well as my obsessive need to check sales reports several times a day!
Too interested in numbers is my curse, not being able to read between the lines and see the positive is my problem.
But the good news is I am not in denial of my issues 😀
I guess I am just too damn needy for my own good. Always seeking reassurance and validation of my writing will only drive me and my friends mad.
When I am low I am needy. Receiving praise seems to work wonders for me as it would anyone I guess.