Moose’s 30 days..Day 2

Day 2 is all about pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Last month I took part in a tough mudder and the Vitality 10k in London.

I used to be sporty, playing football 7 days a week until I suffered an injury which took 2 operations to make worse ( not that I’m bitter about it of course)

In terms of exercising I can run about 200 yards before the pain kicks in. Yet I completed both events. I didnt quit despite every bone, muscle and joint screaming at me to stop.

10k and tough mudder completed

It wasnt about proving others wrong. It was all about proving myself wrong. Showing myself that if I set my mind to a challenge I can get through it no matter the hurdles, no matter the pain. The sense of pride I felt at the finish line made the agony worth it.

Having said that 6 days on from the 10k and I’m still walking like I’ve shit myself but sacrifices are needed at times.

Who Am I? or Who I am!

The question of all questions.

The question that keeps me awake most of all.

The question without a real definitive answer

Can you really answer this question?

Here is what I know… I am a (in no particular order)

  • Father & Step Father
  • Son
  • Brother
  • Grandson
  • Nephew
  • Husband
  • The Moose (to my Facebook friends at least LOL)

But even this isn’t really helpful. I am a son yes but neither parents talk to me, I’m a brother but my siblings only talk to me if I initiate contact,

I am a hunky,spunky,funky,chunky monkey!

I am a complex series of contradictions that much I do know as this list shows

  1. I’m happy but I’m sad
  2. I’m up but I’m down
  3. I’m pessimistic but I’m an optimist
  4. I’m sociable but I’m reclusive
  5. I’m likable but I’m loathed
  6. I’m friendly but I’m alone
  7. I’m confident but I’m insecure
  8. I’m smiling but I’m crying
  9. I like my own space but I don’t like being alone
  10. I’m strong but I’m weak

we will stick with 10 for now but there are more and I know people will have their opinions of these especially those who know the REAL me (it’s a small number in comparison to those who know me)

This doesn’t make me any different from any other person on the planet. Except when you are battling depression it manifests itself into bigger problems. The feelings of worthlessness is hard to shake “I am a failure” is easier to say than “I achieved something”

If I look back on my life though could I really list things that I have achieved that have made me proud? Thinking hard and honestly I can’t think of anything from the top of my head. As a kid I played football for Arsenal, West Bromwich Albion and Norwich junior teams but so did hundreds of others. It didn’t take me anywhere, I am not a professional footballer which was the only dream I had as a kid. Does this make me a failure? Or do I celebrate the fact I played for these teams in the first place?

And there it is the only real thing I can call an achievement and it’s not a lot for 33 years lived is it?

But what is an achievement? defined here

a·chieve·ment

n.
1. The act of accomplishing or finishing.
2. Something accomplished successfully, especially by means of exertion, skill, practice, or perseverance.
So am I missing accomplishments as well as achievements?
Being depressed means there are things that I should be adding to my list but don’t think are worthy? Should writing this blog be added as an accomplishment?
The hardest thing about trying to define who I am is my career. As you know I am currently off work sick but have been out of work now for 2 years! Since leaving school in 1995 I have had lots of jobs from retail, selling pc’s and laptops, being an at home loan provider and collector to working in a school as a Learning Support Assistant. I have coached kids football teams for 5 years in my free time as a labour of love is it an achievement to be a qualified football coach even though it’s a course that you really cannot fail unless your incredibly stupid! (an example of this was the man who turned up for the course drunk!)
I have no idea what I want to do work wise! I am 33 and do not have a clue! My favourite job was working in the school I loved seeing how much difference I made to the kids there but I am not qualified to do the job anymore. Government cut backs meant lots of people in these jobs were laid off so schools can be more selective in who they hire and they want people with the qualifications!  Of course I could do the course to get the qualification BUT you need to work in a school to be assessed as part of the course! Catch 22 or what!
Yet the prospect of going back to school then college terrifies me! I am a clever person but I am not academic as one teacher wrote in my school report “Garry is more street wise than academic” which is true to an extent. Take maths for example I am great at arithmetic but failed because I couldn’t get my head around the formulas required to measure a circle!
Just the thought of going back to work causes me to become anxious again – The Dr said I have “High Intensity Depression” and stress and anxiety are big factors in this! I kind of envy you who are at work with depression but I don’t think I could cope with it at the moment… Does this make me a failure?
I guess I can call my marriage an achievement! People thought we wasn’t going to last one person even said it was a “sham marriage” next month we celebrate 7 years together and 4 years married and I have to say since I got diagnosed with depression and started communicating with Sheryl our marriage is stronger than ever! I am lucky to have her!
So thinking positive we found something I can be proud of lol
Now back to question of Who I am…..
I am lonely above everything else, despite my wife’s efforts. She is busy with the kids and can do without me acting like one too but I admit it I’m needy! I need reassurances, attention, affection not just from her but everyone. I like to be in people’s thoughts in a positive way and it seems like since I left my Facebook family I have got worse! I am trying to escape the moose persona I have had for the best part of 4 years and trying to find myself again.
Blogging is changing me for the better it has only been 3 weeks but its made me so proud of myself. Yet my needy side is screaming out for more viewers, more likes, more followers.
A moment of clarity has arrived and I can conclude the following….
I AM AN ATTENTION SEEKER!!
That was like an eureka moment HA HA!
What I want to be able to say when people ask me WHO I AM is
I AM GARRY!!!!!