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My recovery has gone backwards over the last 10 days or so to the point where I could actually spot all the warning signs and have moved quickly to work towards stopping the slide.

Friday I went back to the Dr and spoke to my new GP for the first time. I didn’t want to give her too much information as she is new to me and doesn’t know my background – losing Dr Dhanji is a huge blow for me because he could tell within seconds how I was actually doing before I even told him.

I had been two weeks medication free and thought I was doing well, I WAS doing well if I am honest, BUT I could see little things happening again that were giving me reason to be concerned that the spiral was starting again.

It started with an innocent question from someone “how are you REALLY doing?” and 10 minutes later I was still opening up to her, someone who doesn’t really know me outside of her professional capacity yet I opened up the dam and couldn’t plug it. She asked if I was okay because suddenly I was shaking and emotional, almost like a panic attack…

Mentally I had been feeling much better and improved, but emotionally everything that has gone on over the past 3 months have taken a toll on me and obviously in hindsight coming off the meds was not the best idea at this time – please no told you so’s!

Losing Mrs Moose has been like a death to me, trying to accept her decision and move on, let her go, has sent me back into a state of grieving that I did not fully prepare myself for. Let alone not seeing Elizabeth everyday, when I do see her it breaks my heart because I have to let her go again. We play a game where I light a candle for her and she has to blow it out and make a wish, every time she does this her wish is the same “I wish mummy would talk to daddy and come home!” – hearing that coming out of her mouth hurts plan and simple!

I’m losing friends at the moment as well, some because I have pushed them away, others because they have backed away and it all adds up to more rejection, which then feds the self esteem demon that plagued me for years.

My sleeping is causing a problem as insomnia has returned which in turn means I am sleeping during the day again – something that I worked bloody hard to eradicate as I know this was an issue for Sheryl in the past.

IBS has also returned which shows that i am stressed, I had managed to control this for a month or so and could actually go out in the mornings without fear of accidents – that is not the case anymore.

So welcome back sleep issues, IBS, stress and anxiety…. bad enough I have had to cancel my gym membership as money is so tight again, so add hermit back to the list……


I caught it all happening BEFORE it escalated and prevention is much easier than the cure. The fact that I have asked to, and been put back on anti-depressants does not make me a failure. It means I was aware of my symptoms to the point that I could ask for help before I ended up back in the clutches of depression and can start again with my recovery.

As I have said before, asking for help shows strength not weakness and at the moment I am happy to admit I need more help than I thought, and now I have it!

The thing with recovery is that you need to be able to go at a reasonable pace and unfortunately for me I went straight into the fast lane before I was fully ready.

I need to make changes, want to make changes but I need to make sure that I can walk properly before sprinting off into the distance and that is a lesson I have learned the hard way…

So back to the start of my recovery with more experience and a better idea of what to expect. The important thing is to be proud that I spotted the signs before they got too bad.


Sex and Depression 50 Shades style

Warning Contains Sexual Content!!

Just for fun…

If 50 Shades was written by a man with depression……


She looked lovingly into his eyes as he announced to her that he had been shopping for gifts to treat her. Her eyes widened as he produced a bag with the distinctive Ann Summers logo on it and proceeded to pull out treat after treat. She gasped as he finally pulled out a huge vibrator. She thought she saw a seductive grin appear on his face and she imagined the fun she could have with the toys now at her disposal.

“you’re gonna have to fuck yourself tonight!” he said “I can’t be bothered!”

She was determined to have him though, she remembered him when they first met. The charming, handsome man with that cheeky smile and sparkling eyes. Well dressed and smelling heavenly with just the right amount of aftershave. She waited till she thought he was asleep and crept into his bed. Slowly she kissed his neck whilst her hand moved down his chest playing with his hair and circling his nipples. He shifted in his sleep as she moved her mouth lower down his chest, her head disappearing under the duvet. She could feel his legs parting as if to make her access easier, and then as she was tantilisingly close to his manhood he lifted his legs up and farted! Whilst holding the duvet over her head so she couldn’t escape.¬†She withdrew from the bottom of the bed, as if the smell from his arse was not bad enough she had to fight off the stench from socks that he had been wearing for weeks! so long that had almost become apart of his skin! Furious she yelled at him but the sound of his snoring drowned out her screaming.

The next morning whilst she sat on the sofa with a face like thunder he appeared as if nothing had happened last night, “what’s with the miserable face?” he asked her¬†innocently. After she explained everything that had taken place,”be grateful I didn’t follow through” was his reply, how upset she had been and, more importantly, how badly she felt the relationship had been progressing recently because he had let himself go so much he looked her in the eyes, took a deep breath and replied “well fuck off then if your unhappy” and he went back to bed!

Later that afternoon he finally got up out of bed, he looked at himself in the mirror and decided today he would make a start on some improvements.

Out went the tracksuit bottoms, t-shirt and underwear that had been on for weeks. He treated himself to some fresh clean clothes after a long soak in the bath. She would be home from work in less than an hour and he wanted to surprise her by being dressed and out of bed for a change.

He text her a grovelling apology and promised tonight he would make it up to her when she got home. He finally removed the beard from his face, washed his hair and, having spent ages admiring himself in the mirror was feeling great when she walked through the door. With almost animalistic lust he pounced upon his prey, kissing her as he peeled her out of her clothes, before leading her into the bedroom and forcefully pulling her onto the bed.

Only there was a problem, try as he might he could not get an erection. Even after she tried with her mouth to arouse him there was no sign of life…

“Fucking anti-depressants!” he moaned, before rolling over in a sulk, and drifted back to sleep.