I’m still not right, I’m battling every day but still somethings wrong. I haven’t managed to get to the Dr yet as its easier to find rocking horse shit than get an appointment when it doesn’t impact on work. They suggest calling in the morning to get an appointment but after 38 calls on my last day off by the time i get through all the days appointments are long gone.
So each day I get up leave for work and arrive at least hour and half earlier than necessary just so I’m out the house and not tempted to just go back to bed. But I’m stressing out over silly things short fused and bloody exhausted mentally and aching physically.
I need a holiday!
Which is exactly what I have treated myself too. For the first time since 1998!!!! I will be heading out of the UK and going to Majorca for a week. I’m slightly worried that I’m going on my own but hopefully it will do me the world of good.
It’s been a year since my world fell apart and I’ve reached the point of feeling worse than in a long long time so getting away is kinda like make or break for my head. Worst year of my life to be honest and sometimes I’m amazed I’ve got through it.
Despite what people may have been told Im a good person, sociable etc so should meet people out there but in case I dont I have bought myself a decent camera so can use photography as an outlet assuming I can figure out how to use it.
I don’t need drama in my life right now. I dont need people disappearing on me or people suddenly contacting me out the blue. I’m vulnerable and struggling. I want stability, love and effort. I need my outlets back to help me and I know I have to do more for myself but sometimes just ensuring I’m up out the house and at work is accomplishment enough.
I’m my own worst enemy and maybe, just maybe the fat ugly person I see in the mirror isnt the image others have of me. My self esteem is very low and its taken an absolute hammering over the past year.
Hopefully this long time coming holiday in Majorca will be the making of me again.
The photo above is taken from the biggest newspaper in the UK. The Sun has gone with this unbelievable story which shows just how much ignorance there is when it comes to depression.
Who knew that you were immune to depression because you are a premier league footballer with millions in the bank.
It is as if depression knocked on their door, stepped inside their luxury homes and decided that they were actually to rich to have depression. It is after all an illness that only attacks the dregs of society like the cholera of this century.
And thus the cure has been revealed by The Sun and I can exclusively tell you all today
Having a model as a wife and being a millionaire will stop you being depressed!
Now I am off to see the Doctor and pick up my prescription of £50 notes as the antidepressants obviously wont work and once I have seen him I will see what Kelly Brook is up to.
I feel great this morning, the relief of making it through my medical unscathed has lifted the weight of my shoulders today.
As we know I think it is important to celebrate every little victory when it comes to battling depression and removing this stress from my life, for the short term at least, will hopefully allow my stomach to settle down slightly so I can stock up on toilet roll for the next time 🙂
Now I can focus on my writing again as I have barely written anything over the past two weeks, after 20000 words in the previous 2 weeks I have added around 5000 in the last fortnight.
Hoping that the “mojo” is still there when it comes to starting up again, I know how the story will finish and a few other plot lines but tying it all together is causing me difficulties.
I may even surprise the wife today by getting off my backside and doing the housework for her so when she gets back from her mums later she can relax, lord knows she could do with the break. I’m not I WILL do it but I am seriously considering it :0)
My depression has been well behaved the past few days it has been the anxiety and IBS that has caused the most difficulties but as I am feeling relatively stress free things are looking good. Proof of this is the fact I have only been to the toilet once this morning compared to 6 times by this time yesterday.
Maybe I will have a little sleep first though as I am still feeling exhausted from lack of sleep over the last few weeks.
What plans have you got for the weekend? maybe buying a book? (yeah I know, but I couldn’t resist a little plug) :0)