Trigger Warning…..It (almost) Killed Me…

This has been in my drafts file for a while, not indicative of how I feel or felt at the time.

No suicidal thoughts here before anyone starts to panic, but when the creative juices flow I just let it out.

This is one of many drafts that I will be posting in the coming days.

If anyone has any suicidal thoughts or any issues with suicide I would suggest not reading this

 

 

I left the house with many bad thoughts running through my brain,

My tears falling down my face like the heaviest of rain.

Alone and scared I made my way to the pre-selected place,

The time had come to stop wearing that fake smile upon my face.

 

The light was staring right at me,

I knew the time was right,

Once last look at the world I knew,

On this, my final night.

 

On to the track I hurled myself,

As the train came roaring past,

The pain would soon be over,

the next breath would be my last.

 

I missed the train and landed on the track the other side,

Cursing my luck I sat on the verge and openly I cried.

But there was another way, and other things to try.

I wandered to my next location with a grimace and a sigh.

 

The cars were racing down below me,

I wouldn’t feel a thing,

Released myself from the bridge over them,

and see what the landing would bring.

 

As my luck would have it,

I landed just behind a passing lorry,

It seems I couldn’t time it right,

Another reason to be sorry.

 

Drowning would be the best idea,

because I’m not a swimmer,

I threw myself in to the sea,

Hoping to be the fishes dinner.

 

Alas a passing fisherman saw me in me mid flight,

He dragged me from the water and pulled me up into the light,

He spoke to me with kindly words, tried his best to make me alright.

This was not my real destiny, I had to start to fight.

 

Back home I sat all alone,

The darkness my only friend.

Until I saw all the missed calls, and messages on my phone,

This was not the way for it to end.

 

The more I thought, the more I felt relieve,

that I held on a little longer,

It only goes to show,

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

 

 

 

 

Death of The Depressed Moose

I gave it everything,

I fought my best,

Now I close my eyes

For the eternal rest.

 

No sad songs, no mourners,

Nothing good to remember,

No graveside to visit

From January to December.

 

As my body slowly hits the floor,

Know that I really couldn’t have given more.

And when they find me alone in my peaceful final sleep,

Let the angels take me away and my soul they keep.

 

As the curtain closes and Abide With Me plays

Remember the laughter and carefree days.

Drinking, dancing out having fun,

Raise a Jack Daniels for me, have more than one.

 

Scatter my ashes, let the wind take me away,

On an everlasting journey when I can always stay.

Do not look back and think of what went wrong

Garry is still here but the depressed moose has gone.

 

No grieving, no mourning, no feelings of regret

Life as moose was really as good as it could get.

No flowers, no crying I don’t want your tears

Let me go alone on this journey without holding on to your fears.

 

No more pain and hurt, no more suffering

No more dreaming of what might have been.

The moose has left the building to a final high five

Dont worry about Garry he is well and alive!

 

Laughing and joking, a smile back on his face

Enjoying life, getting out all over the place.

The new chapter beginning, the start of a new race.

Garry taking on the world – WATCH THIS SPACE!

All Cried Out

Apologies for the lack of posts recently!

The past week has been incredibly difficult for me and writing was the last thing on my mind.

It started off last Saturday when Mrs Moose went and stayed with her mum for a few days as things have not been great in our marriage and she needed some time out to think. Unfortunately being married to someone who suffers with depression can be extremely difficult and frustrating especially when that person is in a bad cycle and just wants to sleep!

Sheryl has put up with a lot of crap from me while I battle with this black dog and I can be both exceptionally lazy and useless in equal measures at times. Thankfully after four days we sat down and spoke about what we need and want and about how we can work together to get things back on track. The up shoot of this all is that she has joined the gym with me and we intend to work out together as well as attend yoga classes together once a week.

The harder I work at improving my mental health the more I ignore other aspects of my life and working at my marriage was one of those things I neglected. Thankfully a pep talk from some spiritual sources made me pick up the phone and get Sheryl round for a chat, rather than sitting here alone and wallowing letting my marriage fail.

So marriage back on track and my girls back home where they belong I walked into the kitchen on Thursday morning and found my kitten dead on the floor. The poor thing had been ill for a while as she would eat food really quickly and then spend the day throwing up or choking. It was still a heart breaking moment as she was a lovely friendly cat who used to sleep with me at night and liked to sit on my shoulder when I was here at the computer. Thank God I found her though and not Lilybet, its been hard enough trying to explain Cat Heaven to her the last few days.

So after lots of tears this week I am pleased to say that I made it through the week!

Yes you read that correct the moose cried a lot this week! and I am not ashamed to admit it.

And yet here I am ready to do my first run tomorrow morning and very proud that I have raised over £500 for Mind but at the same time dreading the runs over the next 9 days because they are going to hurt my knees.

I also wanted to give a big shout out to the following people for helping me the last week and being there when I needed them. In no particular order

  • weegee
  • madd
  • Gary
  • Maria
  • Antonella
  • Tracey
  • Adam
  • Jem
  • life on the edge
  • little whizz
  • Bethan

I am always quick to moan that I have dont have many friends but the online ones I have never fail to be there for me and I am very happy for that! It was also nice that my twin brother stepped up as well. The poor thing suffers from terrible moose envy but is a great bloke and his wife is lovely too! Thanks Dave and Deb.

Tomorrow not only will I be celebrating crossing the finish line I will be raising my arms aloft at the victory that this week was over depression. I made it through the hardest week in a long time!

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either  RIP Izzy

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either RIP Izzy

Death and Depression

Dealing with depression is hard enough with the ups and downs that come with it but nothing can cause a slump quite like the death of someone close to you.

The hardest part of coping with the loss of a loved one is the range of emotions that death brings. Anger, sadness, frustration and the constant questioning of whether you could have done more whilst that person was alive are all doubled when depression kicks in, especially if you was already on a downward curve.

That is how depression works though, it waits till your most vulnerable and strikes. Where you think you are strong it pinpoints the exact place where it can hurt you the most and the trick is to try and fight back, or at the very least hold on to something that can stop you being swept away by the tide.

Easier said than done though isn’t it…

When someone dies it is so easy to find yourself sinking. Mourning the loss of someone takes your attention away from your own issues and while the distraction can be welcome at times, it can also cause you to miss warning signs that are usually right in front of you, signs that would let you know that the bad days are returning.

The following information comes from Bereavement Advice Centre and can be found here

 

The effect of grief

 

At times you may feel overwhelmed by the emotions you experience and some of them such as anger can take you by surprise. Grief is the normal response to the loss of someone we love and many people experience numbness, periods of intense weeping and sighing, anger, anxiety and apathy. Some people may find they have difficulty sleeping or lose their appetite.

Everyone’s reaction to grief is unique, and different people in a family may experience different emotions, even when they are mourning the loss of the same person.

Some people find trying to keep to some kind of daily routine helpful but this can be very hard when there is no longer someone there to make an effort for. If your life partner or a parent or child has died, every time you have to do something for the first time without them is very difficult.

This emotional pain is normal and is not a sign of mental illness although sometimes people who are grieving do also become depressed. If you have experienced mental illness in the past do not hesitate to seek help from your GP if you feel you need it.

Often many of us are able to put on a brave face to people around us except those we are very close to (especially if we have to return to work), but it helps if there are some people we can be totally honest with. This is when organisations set up by people who have been bereaved themselves or by people who have training to help them understand the experience of grief can be very helpful.

Over time the less bad days do begin to outnumber the really bad days although this may feel impossible to imagine at the beginning. Many people find inner strength that enables them to come through this experience still very much missing the person who has gone but able to remember them and enjoy life again.

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Here is a little Moose tip for dealing with the loss of someone..*

Celebrate the life they had, the impact it had on you. Spend less time on feeling sadness of their loss and more on being grateful that they were in your life in the first place.

It is okay to mourn, to feel sadness but they would not want you to slip back down to rock bottom.

Remember the times you laughed together, the special moments you had between the two of you.

Regain your strength and use their memory to inspire you to recovery.

* Just because I have given that tip it doesn’t necessarily mean I am following my own advice!

Above all else though the best thing you can do is TALK about that person, share your memories with others who are grieving. Holding everything inside is a one way ticket to an explosion of emotions that will overwhelm you and that can be harder to cope with than any feelings of grief.

A person may have moved on to another place but their spirit can be kept alive by you! By talking about that person you are more likely to share happy memories which will make you smile.

Now if only I could follow this myself…..