The Head Fucked Moose

I’m still not right, I’m battling every day but still somethings wrong. I haven’t managed to get to the Dr yet as its easier to find rocking horse shit than get an appointment when it doesn’t impact on work. They suggest calling in the morning to get an appointment but after 38 calls on my last day off by the time i get through all the days appointments are long gone.

So each day I get up leave for work and arrive at least hour and half earlier than necessary just so I’m out the house and not tempted to just go back to bed. But I’m stressing out over silly things short fused and bloody exhausted mentally and aching physically.

I need a holiday!

Which is exactly what I have treated myself too. For the first time since 1998!!!! I will be heading out of the UK and going to Majorca for a week. I’m slightly worried that I’m going on my own but hopefully it will do me the world of good.

It’s been a year since my world fell apart and I’ve reached the point of feeling worse than in a long long time so getting away is kinda like make or break for my head. Worst year of my life to be honest and sometimes I’m amazed I’ve got through it.

Despite what people may have been told Im a good person, sociable etc so should meet people out there but in case I dont I have bought myself a decent camera so can use photography as an outlet assuming I can figure out how to use it.

I don’t need drama in my life right now. I dont need people disappearing on me or people suddenly contacting me out the blue. I’m vulnerable and struggling. I want stability, love and effort. I need my outlets back to help me and I know I have to do more for myself but sometimes just ensuring I’m up out the house and at work is accomplishment enough.

I’m my own worst enemy and maybe, just maybe the fat ugly person I see in the mirror isnt the image others have of me. My self esteem is very low and its taken an absolute hammering over the past year.

Hopefully this long time coming holiday in Majorca will be the making of me again.

A Quick Update

Hi all apologies for lack of posts and visibility for few weeks. Truth be told is that I’m currently suffering from depression and struggling to function let alone write, and believe me I have tried writing lots of posts.

Some event has triggered me and I’m not quite sure what it was or why but for the last few weeks I have isolated myself from people – not sure if its been noticed by many but the usual suspects have.

It’s even reached the point now where I feel like I need to get my arse down to the Dr and discuss medication again. Whilst I haven’t been on antidepressants for years I think it would be a sensible option right now.

Insomnia, self doubt, exhaustion mentally and now physical symptoms are all the same old issues that have reappeared and its time to do something about it for my own sake.

I seem to be more worried about other people and their battles and helping them than looking after myself and to be blunt I’m fucking sick and tired of these people ignoring me and stressing me out. If you are not going to look after yourself who else will?

It could be just a bad spell, it could be the start of a long spiral out of control but now I have realised I need to start taking some steps to deal with it.

After the past 12 months its only to be expected that a crash would happen eventually…. maybe time to stop blocking out shit thats happened and deal with it once and for all.

Story of The Depressed Moose – A Children’s book

A while back I did a little photo strip story based on a day in my life with depression, see here to remind yourself of it.

I had a few people suggest I try writing a children s book back on that post so here is my attempt at a little children’s book for you to enjoy.

This is the story of a little moose.

The moose was popular with lots of friends all happy to play with him.

Moose with all his friends

Over time though his friends noticed that he was different. He was always unhappy and sad. His friends stopped playing with him and the poor moose was left all alone.

Friends of the moose

The poor little moose had to watch from the side as his friends all played without him.

Moose being left out by his friends

This made the moose even more sad, he started to hide away from everyone so they could not see how unhappy he was.

Moose hiding in his tent

On good days he would try really hard to make an appearance.

Scared Moose trying to leave home

He would sit at the window sadly watching the world outside, wishing he could be outside again.

Moose looking at his friends playing outside

One day he spotted a little girl playing outside and she looked up at the sad little moose and wanted to play with him.

The little girl was pleased to see the moose

She tried to encourage him to come outside, that there was nothing to be afraid off. The moose was scared especially when he came across a stranger.

The stranger was not sure of the moose. He took an instant dislike to him because he was different.

The stranger wanted to harm the poor little moose.

Luckily for moose the little girl came to his rescue and saved the day. She took him home and patched up his injuries.

Bruised and battered little moose

She took great care of him checking to make sure he was OK

Nursing the moose back to full health

Everyday she made sure he had his dinner ready

yummy dinner time!

and she loved sitting down with him to enjoy a nice cup of tea.

a cuppa to cheer the moose up!

They did everything together, The girl did not mind that he was unhappy and sad at times. She tried lots of things to make him happier. She read him books…

Reading to the moose

They went on bike rides together

Getting ready for a nice bike ride together

But best of all, what the moose loved the most was when the two best friends would just sit down together and enjoy a cuddle!

cuddles were the best thing ever for the moose!

In fact because the little girl showed so much love to the moose he was even able to make a new friend

The moose and his new friend

The moral of this story? If you know someone who is sad and unhappy why not try and make them happy with your friendship!

Big thanks to the camera shy (yeah right!!!) Lilybet for kindly agreeing (cried until i agreed) to have her photo taken.