I’m still not right, I’m battling every day but still somethings wrong. I haven’t managed to get to the Dr yet as its easier to find rocking horse shit than get an appointment when it doesn’t impact on work. They suggest calling in the morning to get an appointment but after 38 calls on my last day off by the time i get through all the days appointments are long gone.
So each day I get up leave for work and arrive at least hour and half earlier than necessary just so I’m out the house and not tempted to just go back to bed. But I’m stressing out over silly things short fused and bloody exhausted mentally and aching physically.
I need a holiday!
Which is exactly what I have treated myself too. For the first time since 1998!!!! I will be heading out of the UK and going to Majorca for a week. I’m slightly worried that I’m going on my own but hopefully it will do me the world of good.
It’s been a year since my world fell apart and I’ve reached the point of feeling worse than in a long long time so getting away is kinda like make or break for my head. Worst year of my life to be honest and sometimes I’m amazed I’ve got through it.
Despite what people may have been told Im a good person, sociable etc so should meet people out there but in case I dont I have bought myself a decent camera so can use photography as an outlet assuming I can figure out how to use it.
I don’t need drama in my life right now. I dont need people disappearing on me or people suddenly contacting me out the blue. I’m vulnerable and struggling. I want stability, love and effort. I need my outlets back to help me and I know I have to do more for myself but sometimes just ensuring I’m up out the house and at work is accomplishment enough.
I’m my own worst enemy and maybe, just maybe the fat ugly person I see in the mirror isnt the image others have of me. My self esteem is very low and its taken an absolute hammering over the past year.
Hopefully this long time coming holiday in Majorca will be the making of me again.
Well technically until about 6pm Christmas day when back came the black cloud after 3 week of feeling great!
Thankfully we had a great Christmas, the kids said it was the best ever for them but by the evening I was feeling lousy again and it has continued since then.
I guess the excitement of having something to look forward to, as in the kids opening presents, had to go once they had finished unwrapping them all but now I feel empty again. I have nothing to look forward to unless I start getting excited about the visit of the Easter bunny!
Now the reality of having spent all our money has set in and I am back to wondering where the next spare £1 will come from as for the next 2 weeks at least we will be working on clearing Sheryl’s overdraft and trying to start the week on a + balance instead of the -£200 that we do currently.
The 4 kids together in a photo at last!
I even did the whole smiling thing and was actually happy for a while. On Christmas eve I managed to attend the midnight service at church where I enjoyed a wonderful service and came out feeling amazingly connected spiritually (hard for me to put into words how I felt spiritually) but I could feel the depression circling and just about spared it from encompassing me until the evening.
Boxing day was a non event for me, Sheryl was out from 3 pm until 2.30 am so I was left alone with my thoughts which is never a good thing on the bad days.
Moose and the 2 lovely ladies in his life
And so I have decided the time is right for The Diary of The Depressed Moose 2 to be worked on, just to give me something to take my mind off reality for a while.
Hopefully will be finished and published before new years Day but all depends on my mood and how long this cloud hangs over me.