You can bet your bottom dollar that I will either be doing it, have done or in the process of considering doing it.
Even though I know it is bad for both me and my mental health.
Let me give you some examples:
Obviously lets start with the hardest one.
Sheryl wants nothing to do with me, hardly replies to any effort to communicate with me.
So what do I do? I send her a message now and again, then stress that she has ignored me again. What am I expecting from this? Well we all know what I am expecting, it’s called the impossible. BAD!
I want her to divorce me, not because I want a divorce but because I don’t feel like I can truly move on until it happens. If she doesn’t want me why not just file and get it done? Almost six months is plenty of time to miss someone enough to want to try again, as that has not happened then cut ties for both our sakes..
Speaking of moving on…
what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for online dating? Low esteem is always helped when you are constantly being ignored by strangers who think they are better than you, above you etc. I am pretty sure it is in the “how to help your confidence” book that online dating is the way forward… excuse me while my sarcasm detector explodes! BAD!
Now we all know that I am not coping very well with the whole marriage breaking up issue, I am pretty sure I do not hide it from you as well as I think 😀 but besides Miss Never Gonna Happen deciding that actually it might happen (this is not going to happen for the record) there is nothing to be gained from constantly putting myself out there to be shot down, but I still do. Yet to me that does show a little belief that I do have something to offer someone…
Money – lets cut to the chases, I have none yet when I do have it I spend it like water. The bills and food ALWAYS come first, but I would like to be able to manage it better and not have the stress involved with Christmas around the corner.
I have taken some steps to rectify the financial crisis I am dealing with, but will take a few weeks/months to bare fruit but if it means I can move forward and have a spare few quid in the bank from time to time then hopefully a little short terms pain will be worth it. However kids if you’re reading Christmas is cancelled this year 😀
I am very conscious of how much stress I am under lately and how much of it is actually all coming from within. I am trying to focus on dealing with it in a measure manner rather than guns blazing, which usually gets me nowhere!
Worse of all though is how little care and attention I pay myself, yet can spend hours trying to help others. This has resulted in the beautiful mess that Garry currently portrays. I MUST learn to use the advice I give others for myself, to value myself more and the past few days I have been working on it, even reading self help books that a wonderful person sent my way.
Changes are in the pipeline for 2014, this year has been the worst of my life and the sooner 2013 fucks off the better. All being well I will be starting a course in February on Mental Health Awareness Level 1. Will provide more details if I pass the interview needed to get on the course.
I really have big ideas for next year that I will be investigating between now and the new year. They are ridiculously beyond me and are only a dream but we have to aim high dont we?
So my pledge to you for the rest of 2013 is to stop doing the things I know are bad for me, to work on Garry and to look after myself better.
Then when 2014 joins us I will be in a much better position to help other people, which is what I really want to do.