The Calm Before The Inevitable Storm

So many things in my head that I need to get out but just cannot!

So many feelings and emotions that I do not want to be experiencing again.

As long as I say I’m fine that’s all everyone wants to hear but the reality is much different yet I can’t talk about it because there is no-one here to force me to let it all out and stop holding it back.

I don’t wanna hear it will be okay in the end, that it takes time. Time is not something I work well with.

All I can do is keep pretending to myself and the world that I am doing great, that I am not broken and falling apart because I keep being told how strong I am, and how proud of me people are.

I have precious time with my daughter which is the calm before the breakdown that follows every time she leaves me again. You know how hard it is when she tells me she is sad because mummy and daddy don’t live together, when she asks me why her friends mummy and daddy love each other. When we play with candles and she blows them out with the wish that “mummy would could back home with daddy and lilybet”

How much that each time she says that my heart breaks even more and the tears fill my eyes yet I cannot let them out because she doesn’t need to see her daddy crying. Every time she walks out the door to go back to her nans it destroys me, I wish I could have her here full time. Being a part time dad is not for me, I want to experience her first day at school, to walk her through the gates and be there at the end of each day for her.

So many more words to be said but no space to say them because I am not able to deal with the emotional fall out that will follow.

The heat certainly doesn’t help as my flat is like a sauna, I don’t care if you like the sun and can lay in it for hours on end give me the rain anytime!

I am struggling to sleep again which is not a good thing! for the first time in months my IBS has flared up again. Walk away from me, run even, it wont be the first time nor will it be the last. It is something I come to expect from people.

Leave me to face it all on my own…

I am worn out. drained and have very little left in the tank to give. A breakdown is coming the question is when and how hard it will hit!


Roller coaster of a day

It has been that sort of day today! A typical day in the life of someone who suffers with depression with highs and lows.

Perfect time for me to share with you the working of my brain and how depression affects it.

Here some examples of how I have been feeling & thinking today.

  1. I’m so proud of myself for publishing a book
  2. I’m so excited about the book
  3. I can’t wait to tell everyone about the book
  4. I really hope people share my link to the book
  5. I hope people are proud of me for finishing the book so quickly
  6. I hope people buy the book
  7. I hope people are positive about the book
  8. I hope I get good reviews

Here is what the depression is telling me in response to the above:

  1. No one cares about the damn book
  2.  no one will read the book
  3. your book is crap
  4. your a failure if no one reads the book.

No amount of people telling me the former as opposed to the latter makes any difference to my mindset.

It has been a long, draining, emotional day battling with depression trying to counter the negative thoughts with positive ones and I feel exhausted!

I am convinced those of you who have depression know exactly where I am coming from with this whereas, those who don’t suffer think I am going mad but this is how depression works believe me.

Days like this take a hell of a lot out of you when your so determined to not let depression get the better of you leaving you mentally and physically drained!