It Might Be Wrong But Its Right For Me

I have spent so much time focusing on the future and what it may bring, as well as dwelling on the past that I have forgotten about the most important aspect – the here and now.

Running at 200 mph into a future because I’m scared of what the present holds has only succeeded in making me feel worse because I’m constantly second guessing what may or may not happen.

So over the past few days I have been trying to focus on standing still rather than walking and/or running. Trying to process the present and what can be done to improve it.  To be perfectly honest thus far I have come up with zilch!

Lets be brutally honest at the moment I am on that slippery downwards spiral but hopefully the returning medication will start taking full effect again and I can begin to refocus on my own mental well being – rather than trying to help other people with their own issues. People who then drop me like a stone when I need them the most..

Distracting myself from me only helps numb the pain temporarily and as people are increasing dropping out of my life at the moment (unless they need me to help them) it really is time I became more selfish.

Time has come for me to do absolutely nothing  and wait for things to come to me rather than trying to force the issues.

I have zero expectations of anything good happening right now, nor do I have any inclination to enforce any change.  From now on I’m just going to sit still and watch the world go by.

But a word of caution…. please do not ask me how I am doing, or if I’m okay.

No Comment is the answer to either question because I don’t want to talk about things, I just want to let things happen naturally – right or wrong I no longer care.

So call me selfish, call me a miserable bastard or call me whatever you want because from now on I’m focusing only on what I think is right for me.  Whether you agree or not I have been too reliant on other people and I need to remember that the only person who can help me is me.




I can wait forever for things, especially when they are right for me…..

I am trying to force things to happen too often and to the detriment of my mental health. Now I sit and wait confident that my luck will change once I stop expecting it too.

Waiting is a stubborn mans game – and I can be pretty damn stubborn when needed…Giving-Up-4

and as we all know – giving up is not an option….


Zero, zilch.

This currently best describes the following

  • energy
  • enthusiasm
  • motivation
  • creativity
  • willingness to do anything besides crawl back into bed!

I feel empty, useless and worthless all rolled into one bundle of miserable bastard.


Thankfully the need to spend hours on the toilet has subsided for now so I no longer have to fight with my onesie to get it off before my EAS kicks in. EAS is my own diagnoses for IBS – it stands for Exploding Ass Syndrome! Thankfully I do not have any images to share with you!

I woke up today at around 2.45pm and could quite easily stayed in bed all day were it not for people unknown kicking the bed waking me up, and even after around 10 hours sleep I still feel exhausted and drained!

I guess its the usual case of the down cycle coming after the excitement of doing things last week and now I have nothing to look forward to again.

I try reaching out to people but I am the first to admit that I wait for people to message me rather than me message them, I guess it comes from not having the patience to wait for a reply LOL but then there are people who I reach out to who simply ignore me and that makes things worse. So if I haven’t messaged you don’t take it personally it’s just that I don’t think people want to hear about my depressing life!

Fingers crossed things start looking up soon before I start spending all day in bed!