I have spent so much time focusing on the future and what it may bring, as well as dwelling on the past that I have forgotten about the most important aspect – the here and now.
Running at 200 mph into a future because I’m scared of what the present holds has only succeeded in making me feel worse because I’m constantly second guessing what may or may not happen.
So over the past few days I have been trying to focus on standing still rather than walking and/or running. Trying to process the present and what can be done to improve it. To be perfectly honest thus far I have come up with zilch!
Lets be brutally honest at the moment I am on that slippery downwards spiral but hopefully the returning medication will start taking full effect again and I can begin to refocus on my own mental well being – rather than trying to help other people with their own issues. People who then drop me like a stone when I need them the most..
Distracting myself from me only helps numb the pain temporarily and as people are increasing dropping out of my life at the moment (unless they need me to help them) it really is time I became more selfish.
Time has come for me to do absolutely nothing and wait for things to come to me rather than trying to force the issues.
I have zero expectations of anything good happening right now, nor do I have any inclination to enforce any change. From now on I’m just going to sit still and watch the world go by.
But a word of caution…. please do not ask me how I am doing, or if I’m okay.
No Comment is the answer to either question because I don’t want to talk about things, I just want to let things happen naturally – right or wrong I no longer care.
So call me selfish, call me a miserable bastard or call me whatever you want because from now on I’m focusing only on what I think is right for me. Whether you agree or not I have been too reliant on other people and I need to remember that the only person who can help me is me.
I can wait forever for things, especially when they are right for me…..
I am trying to force things to happen too often and to the detriment of my mental health. Now I sit and wait confident that my luck will change once I stop expecting it too.
and as we all know – giving up is not an option….