Accountability and responsibility

Two key elements that have been disregarded since Christmas time. I pretty much downed tools and did the usual Moose thing in terms of self neglect, impulsiveness and recklessness. If I wanted to do something because the idea was in my head I would simply do it. For example one morning I woke up and decided to get my chest and back waxed, so I did. Never again lol and hats off to those of you who get other parts waxed! A new tattoo? Sure why not 4 hours later sitting in tattooists getting an awesome new but of ink, holiday for my birthday in November? Booked and nearly paid for within a few weeks.

Am I harming anyone? Hurting people with my actions? The answer is a resounding no.

It seems that it’s more about rebelling against the shit that’s happened over the years and living my life, my way.

So why self neglect? It’s about ignoring my mental health, and when I take my eyes off the prize I sink. This blog has made me hugely aware of triggers, signs and symptoms of the black dog taking hold and for 2 months I ignored it. I’m great at being there for my friends, and even strangers who contact me via this blog or the Facebook page and it gives me a huge amount of pleasure knowing people see me as someone they can reach out and be heard without judgement, and just be listened to.

It was one of the main reasons I started blogging and a huge part of why I returned.

Depression can make you feel like you’re the only person in the world with those thoughts and feelings and while it’s not seen as bad as bipolar, personality disorders etc it’s still something that affects so many people.

The point is that ultimately I am responsible for maintaining good mental health, it’s up to me to take my tablets regularly, it’s on me if I make impulsive decisions to sign up for tough mudders (what the fuck was I thinking!!???)

Accountability comes from taking responsibility for the things I have, or have not done. I need to get my arse back into exercising again, back on the healthy eating. If I want to look in the mirror and like what I see then that’s down to me to put the effort in and maintain the discipline required.

For the past 3 months I’ve been guilty of just doing the opposite of what made my mental health better.

I love my Saturday night drinks with karl, good music, dancing, women and cocktails and look forward to it. The difference now to say a month ago is I’m going there to enjoy myself and not to self medicate.

The tide is turning back my way again because I’m taking responsibility for it and full accountability.

Watch this space because I’m determined, injuries allowing, to get all that weight back off again and reach my goal weight by end of this year at the latest.

Exercise is very good for my mind even if it cripples my body. It’s the lesser of two evils. The injuries occur because my body cant handle the weight I’m carrying, yet prevents me from exercising properly to get it off. This means that diet is massively important.

The 30+ group will help, inspire, nag, motivate and drag me through the pain to reach my goals. Now I just need to get back on it…..

Exercise On Referral Scheme (EORS)

Having had my initial appointment with a member of the exercise on referral scheme I can now provide you with further information, although remember that the prices I show may not be the same in your area so please do not quote me on them.

The scheme is a national service which relies on referrals from your GP to gain access to it, it is not something that has been advertised massively but has been running for around 5 years. All GP’s are aware of the scheme and can be signed up to it if they have not already done so.

The idea behind it is to help people gain the benefits of exercising but it is a lot more than that. As I spoke to Steve yesterday he emphasised that it is just as important to them to help people get back into the outside world again, and finding a new routine. This is ideal for someone like me who, besides shopping and the nursery run, rarely leaves home unless essential.

Having been weighed, blood pressure taken and hips and waist being measure we spoke about what goals and plans I have for the length of the course. The EORS scheme for me is 6 weeks long with 2 sessions in the gym a week. This means that I HAVE to go out at least twice a week, out of my normal comfort zone but it also gives me something to look forward to and we all know how much I love having something to focus on!

For the 12 sessions I have to pay £12, £1 a session, which is very very reasonable for attending a gym twice a week if you ask me!

Once the 6 weeks are up I get the option of discounted gym membership for 12 months, the fee is reduced to £17 a month, which gives me unlimited access to the use of the gym. This will be perfect for me especially with the 10k run only being 2 months away and I still have not been able to train! and £17 a month for gym membership is bloody cheap especially around these parts of Essex/London where some places ask for £70+!

So besides the benefits of exercising regularly, leaving the house more often and the feelings of increased self worth gained from my exertions what is the downside of this scheme?

If you can find one let me know because I cannot think of any. The instructor will not push me to levels outside my capabilities and is more worried about making me enjoy the sessions – what more can you ask for? no pain no gain is not something i believe in, pain = moose stops 😀

Do you think this is something that may help you? Speak to your GP about the scheme and find out if it will benefit you, its not just for helping fat gits like me but people with depression/stress/anxiety as well!

And if it does not work for you then at least 6 weeks down the line you can at least say you tried.

As for me I can’t wait till my first session next week! The gym wont know what hit it!

 

 

 

Exercise does not help everyone

I did a brave thing today. I dusted off the scales in the bedroom and inserted batteries in them.

Well I say brave but probably stupid is a better term. Who knew that scales could talk! Mine said “ouch” when I stood on them.

So here is the bad news

MY SCALES LIE

yep that’s correct turns out denial is not just a river in Egypt

Okay Okay the truth

My weight as of today stands at a whopping 16 stone or 224lbs

Its official I am a fatty :0( well I have known that for a while but now I am telling the world

Naturally the easy thing for everyone to suggest is to exercise, after all it releases chemicals that improve moods etc etc

Here is the thing though Exercise is a massive trigger for me!

Let me tell you more, are you sitting comfortably? good then I will begin….

When I was a teenager football (soccer) was my life and I was pretty damn good at it too! I spent 4 years on the books of professional football teams, even went on tour with West Bromwich Albion and they wanted me to sign for them.

One day playing for my local team my studs got caught in the ground and my body went one way and my knee went the other!

I had an operation at 17/18 and the hospital lost all the notes from the op and basically that was the end of that. I continued to play for a local mens side until I was around 23 but the knee problems basically forced me to quit football altogether.

It got to the stage where I would train on a Tuesday and not be able to walk for 3-4 days afterwards, then play Saturday and the cycle would continue.

When you have played football from the age of 8 until 23 every week, as a kid 365 days a year and to have it taken away from you is devastating. Even something simple like walking causes me pain even worse in the coming months as I have arthritis now in my knees.

What makes it worse is the fact that I have not learned to deal with the change. I feel worthless because I cannot do the simple things like kick a ball with Brandon because of the pain. Imagine how that makes me feel as a parent always having to say no to playing football with him.

Anything that is considered an “impact” sport is out! which pretty much leaves swimming.

Except for 2 problems

1) I can’t swim

2) I am scared of getting in the water

This pretty much leaves dieting as my only option and thus far the “Junk Food Diet” I am on is doing nothing for the waistline despite improving my moods!

DAMN YOU CHOCOLATE AND CRISPS

This BMI crapola doesn’t help me either – according to them my BMI is 34.1 which makes me obese.

If I search online my ideal weight for my height should be 154 lbs or 11 stone!

Check out the photos of me here and imagine me 5 stone lighter? I would look ill!

I am going to start an exercise regime of sorts with my weights and see if I can start dropping some lbs! If I can get down to around 12 1/2-13 stone I will be happy with that. Time to cut out the chocolate methinks

If we could all observe a minutes silence for chocolate…..

I will keep you updated. If i can get to 15 stone by Christmas I will be very happy thats a reasonable target isnt it? a stone in 3 months?