A Shitty Weekend

Quite literally!

So far this weekend I am pretty sure I have broken the world record for number of toilet visits!

More a case of going for a number 222 than a number 2!

This is means that my stress and anxiety levels are going through the roof and I have no idea why.

Just when I get my depression back under some form of control and things start looking up for me my IBS returns and life becomes unbearable again.

You have no idea what it is like to be spending the day in fear of shitting yourself, and if you do then you have my sympathy!

Depression is one thing but it doesn’t mean you spend any time outside the home looking for toilets that are 1) clean and 2) actually have paper in them!

Now if only I could work out what is causing this life would be better again!

Thankfully I am able to laugh at my own misfortune as you can see from the photo below! but it really gets me down at times!


photo credit: Google

photo credit: Google


Guest Post – Elizabeth

7 Surprising Signs You Are Stressed to the Max!

We already know that an upset tummy and symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome are sure signs of being stressed to the Max…yet, there are many other surprising signs that our bodies give us letting us know that we are in a full blown Stress-A-Thon!

Stress is a Killer! I’m not kidding…stress not only leads to digestive distress but also to high blood pressure, stroke, depression just to name a few problems I’m sure you don’t want to experience.

While there are many ways to reduce stress…some of my favorites are: meditation CDs and deep breathing exercises. However, watching out for sneaky stressors is still as important as taking that first deep relaxing breath…Ahhh!

Surprising Sign #1-Weird or Recurring Dreams
You know you are burning the candle at both ends when your stress takes you into SlumberLand. If you routinely dream of missing the bus or your house is burning down, two of the most common stress dreams, then you know it is time to learn how to let go of your stressors.

Surprising Sign #2-Tight Muscles
Turns out that stress causes our muscles to tighten up…leaving us in a more vulnerable spot for injury. It’s time to take a Deep Abdominal Breath in…ahhhh!

Surprising Sign #3-Twitching
While we are on the topic of spasms, have you ever experienced an eye twitch or your calf twitching…then you know yet another sign that you are stressing.

Surprising Sign #4-Tooth Trouble
Grinding your teeth as you sleep or even clenching your jaw while you are awake without realizing it are both ways of “chewing over your problems”, however, these behaviors do not unstress you. Quite the opposite, they cause lots of pain and discomfort.

Surprising Sign #5- Changes in Your Menstrual Cycle
Women commonly complain of unusually bad cramps or even a missed period when stressful times are paramount. When your stress subsides, your menstrual cycle will most likely return to normal.

Surprising Sign #6- Losing Hair or Going Grey
We have heard people say that a stressful or traumatic situation turns you grey…but it is also true that people commonly lose hair, literally the hair follicle becomes lose when we are stressed. Amazing that stress wreaks havoc over EVERY part of our body.

Surprising Sign #7- Super Sniffles
Stress plays an impact on our Immune System lowering our defenses and making us twice as likely to catch a cold over other times we are not as stressed. It all has to do with cortisol, the stress hormone. When cortisol is elevated, the inflammatory response is suppressed  Therefore, when we are exposed to a virus, our body cannot fight it like other less stressful times.

Boy! That is quite the list! I am sure all of you have experienced one of these symptoms before in your life. I am hoping that has subsided for you…and if it hasn’t ..this list may be enough to trigger another stress attack! That’ ok…start breathing deeply…it will pass in no time!


Elizabeth has her own website http://www.letgoofibs.com/ and can be found on twitter here

Revelations, Insights and a Good Telling Off

I finally got to see my Dr having not seen him in an official capacity since October. Three months is  a long time in my world and a lot has changed in terms of my depression since then as well. When you walk into his office and he says “whats happened, you don’t look your usual self?!” then you know its been too long since you saw him.

We talked about my weight issues, knee issues and depression issues and it was great to unload it all. I am lucky to have a good GP. I have spoke before about how helpful he is, there is a new system in place for appointments at the surgery that means you have to phone at 8 am to try and get seen. When I explained to the receptionist that the only time I see 8 am is if I have not slept and that it would make it impossible for to get an appointment she emailed the Dr and asked him to call me. As is always the case when your expecting a call you end up not answering the phone in time but Dr Dhanji then called me again 20 minutes later to make sure he could speak to me and arrange an appointment. This is how good the man is!

Anyways lets get back on track..

On 18th December I picked up my monthly prescription of antidepressants, 28 tablets. It is now 1st February and I still have 5 tablets left that should have been finished on 15th January. This goes a long way to explaining my current mood as obviously I am not ready to come off the tablets yet. It has not been an intentional thing not taking the pills it has just happened, cue a nice telling off from the Dr and one ashamed looking moose!

Lesson #1 from me to you: Don’t stop taking your tablets unless the Dr tells you – forgetting is not an option!

I spoke about my current grief issues with the Dr, and with a friend on Facebook last night when it suddenly hit me why I am having a hard time over the passing of Teresa. When my uncle died I had expected it based on what had happened to him in hospital so I could prepare myself for his death, and although I did not handle it particularly well I did at least expect it to happen. With Teresa it happened within 2 weeks of being diagnoses and was so fast it came as a bolt out of the blue and this is why is has knocked me for six.

Lesson #2: for God’s sake talk about things!!

In terms of my dealings with therapy for my depression etc here is the current situation..

As we know I couldn’t attend my last appointment with the mental health team due to an IBS related accident on the way. I called them and left a message on the answer phone informing them I couldn’t attend so you would think they would reschedule an appointment for me, did they bollocks! Instead they have written to my Dr informing them that I DECLINED 2 appointments and that they do not think I am suitable for them. Meanwhile the counselling service I was referred to in July have told the Dr that I need to be seen by the Mental Health team and not them so I’m left in between the 2 with no one looking out for me!

Lesson #3: Don’t shit yourself on the way to the mental health team and expect sympathy!

I am now back to monthly appointments with the Dr to make sure I am taking my tablets properly rather than him giving me 3 months worth of prescriptions which is probably best for now, assuming I can get an appointment in a months time!

The Dr is also going to refer me to some sort of weight loss/ exercise program to try and work on my knee issues and is not impressed that I am planning to do the 10k run in May. “No you are not” was his response LOL but we shall see, people have sponsored me already and I feel obliged to do it 😦

New month, forget crappy January lets see what February will bring! fingers crossed that it brings a change of luck!

IBS 1 Moose 0

Today I was meant to be seeing the psychiatrist but having had NO sleep last night, and my IBS playing up something chronic I was forced to leave them a message on their answering machine informing them that I couldn’t attend my 4pm appointment. I had to leave a message as they never seem to be able to pick up the phone in fact it once took me over a week of calling daily before I could speak to someone!

So imagine how pissed off I was when I get a phone call at 3.20 asking why I haven’t arrived for my 3pm appointment!

The appointment was for 4pm I know this because I wrote it down while I was on the phone to them arranging an appointment for that specific time!

Then when I told them about the message I left all I get is “oh, they haven’t picked it up then”

And you wonder why we have little faith in our mental health services!

Besides these issues my IBS has been terrible today, I have lost count of the number of visits to the toilet I have had to make today but as an example I had a sandwich earlier and had to go toilet 5 times in the space of an hour after eating it!

So depression is getting its ass kicked but anxiety and IBS are returning – this is just my luck!



“One Step Closer”

It is going to be one of those days today!

Firstly a big thank you to the people who sent me birthday messages via Facebook, Twitter and WordPress. I had over 100 messages which really took the edge of a shitty birthday!

Actually the blame lies with me because I am superficial and materialistic and expect more than people can give.

It is wrong at my age to want presents really isn’t it but that is how I roll I am afraid.

Anyway back to today and I had to rush out to put gas and electric on the meters as we were about to run out. Grudgingly I headed down to the shops got halfway down the road and had a coughing fit which resulted in me soiling myself and having to go back home and change clothes.

Yep, another day when I leave the flat and shit myself in public!

And yet soon the government will be forcing me to work or punish me!

So today I am listening to the following song on repeat and feeling shitty indeed!





“One Step Closer”

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you’ll say
You’ll find that out anyway

Just like before…

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Just like before…


Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

I’m about to BREAK


Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Normal Service Resuming

Last night I thought I would treat Brandon and myself to pizza hut.

After I managed to dry out the pizza from the river of grease it arrived in we sat and ate our pizza but boy oh boy am I regretting it this morning!

The IBS has kicked in big time, guess I should be pleased that it took around 12 hours as normally its down one hole and out another in record time!

But to celebrate things returning to normality with the IBS I wanted to share a little song with you this morning…


Lucky I can laugh at myself really!

Oh it feels good to be back to the old me again!

3 Am…

Once again the clock turns to 3am and I am sitting awake with a million thoughts running through my head.

None with any actual good suggestions as to where to go from here and how to improve my situation though.

I’m sick of being sick!

The man flu has been downgraded to a cold and a chest infection and it has drained me completely all I want to do is sleep at the moment. Problem is I get so tired during the day I end up sleeping for a couple of hours which makes it even harder to sleep come night time. But I have basically been ill since the 24th October so it is no wonder I am having a rough time recently is it?

It even got to the point where I was sitting at the table eating dinner the other night when I shit myself! barely a warning and not even time to make my world famous toilet dash! How is that for bringing you down another level when you cant even eat your dinner anymore!

So despite my best attempts at trying to be positive it seems everything is conspiring against me and once more my body is letting me down!

As it is getting colder and colder my arthritis in my left knee is playing up causing me pain that keeps me awake as well as the inability to shut my brain off come night time. Sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa is not helping matters either but im stuck there until a miracle happens and a suitable council property comes up and we are not in the 80s on the list! By that time the kids will have grown up and moved out!

But as it is thanksgiving time in America this week I wanted to say thanks to people who have stuck by me and seem to genuinely care how I am doing

In no particular order I give you

Liz Draper









debby aka saz




only one man in that group tells an interesting story although another does deserve a little mention as he has been there for me with messages of support so cheers to


thank you all for your support and kind words when I need them!

Hopefully November can go out on a high note because its been worse than October and that is saying something!

And as for my birthday – officially cancelled due to lack of interest and money!

IBS Woes

Gotta love having IBS up top of all my other problems! so here is a shitty ditty for you all


Just once let me wake up in the morning

and not have to run for a shit

my life is hard enough lately

and this is getting me down quite a bit


I’ve only been up 20 minutes

and already on my 3rd visit

this is no way for a young man to live

please say it will get better, but will it?


It affecting all aspects of my life,

and its caused changes I dont like

I once would have been sponsored by durex

now I’m writing to Andrex


Wish I knew what was causing this problem

the stress and anxiety thats causing it

but for now one thing is for certain,

in more ways than one my life is shit!


Anxiety Be Gone!

Yesterday I attended a workshop run by Mind in relation to their elephant in the room community on Facebook. I have mentioned this little sanctuary before and if your on Facebook and not a part of this you really should be it is a place where people post about mental health and are not judged, it is a real welcoming community and one of my favourite places on Facebook!

Add the Elephant as a friend here you wont regret it!

So off I went traveling on the underground to Oxford Circus, arranged to meet someone at Nike Town in case she needed help and merrily we went on our way to the workshop! I even made sure I wasn’t it my comfy tracksuit bottoms for a change and dug out my new jeans!

And the interesting thing about this?

I felt no anxiety AT ALL!!!

For the first time in months, maybe longer, I was quite happy to be so far away from home, from a toilet, and meeting new people.

So why is no anxiety a good thing? Because no anxiety equals no IBS, which equals me not shitting myself in the street! Hopefully this will continue as the workshop is running for the next 2 Thursday’s as well as me having to attend a work placement session on Monday.

This week has been really good in terms of lack of anxiety and negative feelings yet today I am aware of a slight change in mood since I have woken up. Could be that it took a lot more out of me yesterday than I expected or anticipated but it won’t get to me. Being aware of the change makes it easier for me to attempt to fight back.

One thing that really made me smile was when a lady walked into the room yesterday, looked at me and said “you’re the depressed moose!” exciting huh my first moment of recognition woot woot



D.I.S.C.O Moose

If I spent less time playing songpop and more writing maybe I would be over the writers block still troubling me however this song came up today and made me laugh!

My own lyrics are added beneath the video – I bet you will be singing along to this and hating me after for putting this in your head 😀



Here is my own version for the Moose


he is disco


He is D -depressed

He is I – irrational

He is S – slightly mental

He is C – somewhat crazy

He is O – out of his mind oh ohhhhhhhhhh



He is disco


He has D – diarrhea

He has I – IBS

He has S – stress and anxiety

He has C – change of underwear

He is O – oh ohhhh feck not again



He is disco


He is D- Determined

He is I – Inspirational

He is S – Supportive

He is C – Creative

He is O – Outstanding  oh ohhhhhhhhh


Now imagine me sitting here giggling away to myself at my own genius!