Medication, Pain and Drama

Been a long time since I have even attempted to write something, so much is going on in my little world that my head is all over the place lately. This blog used to be a place of solace for me, somewhere I could let things out and try to work through all the issues one by one. I miss being able to write…

So where am I currently..

I am still medication free, but unsure how much longer that will last if truth be told. Fighting is getting harder when outside influences keep getting in the way. One source has intimated to me that I like drama in my life, that I thrive on it because it gives me a chance to help other people and not have to deal with my own stuff. It is possible there is some truth in this, I do like helping other people but not at the detriment of my own mental health, the less drama around me the better at the moment – unless it happens to be drama that I particularly want to get involved in, that is my choice though and I will choose the battles I want to get into myself…

I feel toothless at the moment, in terms of how I am dealing with issues. All bark no bite. By nature I am fiery, short fused and act now question later but I just seem to let the blows rain down on me from all sides. It’s not even a case of rolling with punches and throwing out a few counter shots now and again. Am I actively encouraging this because its what I feel I deserve?

Is it more a case of allowing it all to bubble under the surface until one day it all comes out like an eruption from a volcano? I hope not because frustration is difficult to deal with and the end result will not be pretty if I continue to stem the tide, eventually the dam is going to crack and I worry about the fall out.

As for the pain issue.. as my long time readers will know I was once a footballer, playing football 7 days a week as a kid has resulted in me having knackered knees – two operations on my left knee is a factor behind my weight issues as I find it hard to exercise. Despite this last year I was going to the gym daily in preparation for the runs I did for charity but at the moment its impossible.

I have pain in both legs, all the muscles and joints and what appears to be shin splints in both legs. There are days when I am almost in tears with each step I take. It’s new to me and I am concerned about what the cause could be because I am desperate for an outlet again, I need to get out the flat but even walking to the shops leaves me in agony let alone trying to get on the treadmill again… this is not helping but I am seeing my GP tomorrow and hopefully she will be able to find a reason for this because it is currently ruining my life….

It has not been this bad for a long long time, but there is a glimmer of hope and someone who makes me smile. That is nothing short of eventful though and not sure if anything is going to come out of it, I hope so – its nice to feel that butterfly sensation when your phone goes and its a message from someone…. and good things worth having are worth the effort and drama, be nice if it was easy but when do I ever do thing easily..remember I attract drama

waitingI need to distract myself by writing again, any ideas you have please send my way because the gym is a no go zone until the pain in my legs goes…

and to think I always assumed I was a pain in the arse

Drained and Run Down

I am completely worn out. I have very little energy to do anything besides wake up and head back to bed a few hours later.

Stress has just got me so run down to the point that I now appear to be coming down with a cold, which means even less energy than normal. It also means more time “thinking” which is never good for me.

There are things I want to get off my chest and talk about but they are so ridiculous I am embarrassed to talk about them.I have done some very silly things the last few days/week.

Most of the things causing me stress are the usual unanswerable questions and things beyond my control that I like to spend hours worrying about.

On top of this we can now add a new problem to my ever growing list, the stress I have put myself under has resulted in me grinding my teeth again when I sleep. I had this problem about 10 years ago, and it is back.

This means that not only am I sinking lower and lower, my bowels are in overdrive, over thinking everything, tennis elbow that has been killing me for 5 months I now have constant toothache and my face has broken out with a lovely rash so the red blotches are really good for my looks!

I am not looking after myself very well and honestly need looking after.

Is it any wonder that she left me when I am such a fucking mess, why friends avoid me etc

I am well and truly fucked right now

Back To “Normal”

Phew what a day yesterday was!

I can honestly say that it was one of my worst days in months! No idea why either but then that’s the beauty of depression for you. There are no set rules, no rhyme or reason it just changes your mood like the flick of a switch.

The beauty of this is that it works in my favour in terms of writing this blog as my best work comes on my worst days! see how is that for putting a positive spin on my situation?

It helps me documenting my feelings on the awful days so that on days like today I can look back and try to find any causes or triggers.

My Poor Left Ankle!


Check out my left ankle in the photo! it has swollen up and hurts when I put weight on it and I have no idea what I did to hurt it or how it happened!

I don’t do pain very feel as I have spent the last 15 years with knee pains and pain always brings my mood down. It is definitely a trigger for me and may explain why I was so bad yesterday.

One thing that does stand out for me one the dark days is I always end up with a feeling of isolation from people. That no one wants to know me , or hear about my problems. Thankfully people reached out to me yesterday and made a real difference to my mood and I soon felt brighter.

Today I feel positive and again feel proud about my book. I have now sold 14 copies and have had three 5 star reviews. I can look at the reviews today and feel good about myself, yesterday that was impossible.

Depression works in mysterious ways and I guess sometimes hitting bottom can be a good thing because then there is nowhere else to go but up.

You have to accept the bad days to appreciate the good ones and more often than not my days are good, despite the hiccups of the last 2 weeks.

So for the rest of the day I intend to get back to my “normal” routine of reading and writing blogs, tying to remind people to submit poems for my book and keep annoying people until they buy my book! (by the way it is half price until Saturday as Smashwords, did I mention that? Click here for info!

Remember the more people who buy the book, and review – don’t forget the review it will get me more buyers, the bigger the moose tattoo I can reward myself with 🙂

In the words of the great Ron Burgundy

“You Stay Classy”

A New Tattoo Please

I want a tattoo! No I really really want a new tattoo.

I feel so numb the pain of a tattoo will at least bring some feeling back into me.

Something like this that would take a few hours and give my brain some peace!


Another dream that will go unfulfilled.

Any tattooists in East London want a guinea pig in exchange for a free tattoo? Lemme Know 🙂