An Insight into my head right now

No editing, No deleting just free writing letting out the contradictions and emotions….

Impulsive, reckless and not reading the signs

What consequences? It’s my life and my journey

Its about living in the present not the past or the future

One decision making a seismic change to your attitude in general

See me? I’m changing for nobody. I am who I am and what I am

I smoke too much i weigh too much i swear too much and I fuck too much but…it’s on me to change the things I want changing

Your opinions are valid to you unless i ask for them I will dance to beat of my own drum

If I want you in my life in loyal to the end. Karl Amy Ant Mary Maria Ali Debbie and my brother (and his family) no matter what im there if you need it no questions asked. We bury the evidence and never speak of it again.

I’m not broken im just never going to be the same. Improved? That’s up for debate but never again the person I once was

Missing, loving,wanting, hating, angry, disappointed

Growing, adapting, recovering, changing

If I told her that I loved you

You’d maybe think there’s something wrong
I’m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
But those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost” (shape of heart-sting)

“Are you lost

In your lies?
Do you tell yourself “I don’t realize”?
Your crusade’s a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives
I’m aware of what you’ve done
No, no more sorrow
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced
I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abused power with greed
I had hope
I believed
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived
You will pay for what you’ve done (no more sorrow- linkin park)

Changes are coming, for better or for worse. I fight I struggle I smile I keep going

Defeated momentarily yet one step ahead

Those who know me see the signs, they know when to reach out.

I’m here for those who need me, yet not there for myself

And yet…..maybe just maybe….The shoots of recovery are leading me back to a version of myself I liked, flirty, fun, inappropriate, the life and soul and when the day comes i can once again look in the mirror and be happy with what i see…. I will thank you and show my gratitude in ways you didnt expect

My friends, my family, my kids never stopped believing in me, time i realised why.

Im a winner, my time is coming and I need to make sure im ready.

I’m not ready how can i be when i dont even know what i want

I wasn’t going to post this. It’s random jumbled up letters and words forming sentences in a way thats confusing for me let alone you…..

But it clears space in my head for the pieces to fall into place..eventually.

And just like that…The black dog barks a little less viciously..

If I Were..

I have seen this “game” on a couple of blogs and thought I would give it a go..

If I were a politician I would be

Firstly I don’t have the ability in me to be a politician, I care too much about other people and I am too honest to be able to look myself in the mirror after a day of bullshitting the public that elected me and screwing them whilst claiming thousands in expenses!

But that being said I would close the borders and stop mass immigration. I would stop the bankers from ruining the countries finances and being rewarded with millions in bonuses and I would remind every other politician that they are meant to serve the people not fuck them on a regular basis!

If I were a pop star I would be

a bed hopping, jack daniels swilling paparazzi dream! heck I’m 34 not 94! now if only i could sing, not that singing appears to be a requirement these days.

If I were a film star I would be

Al Pacino. I am similar to him with my ability to scare people with my sudden switch of temper and loud voice!

If I were in a soap opera I would be

The person women want to have and men want to be like, respected and feared at the same time.

If I were a writer I would be

Spending my time counting piles of money from royalties and movie deals, instead of trying to flog my crappy books now LOL

If I were a book I would be

the kind that you couldn’t put down. A romance novel with a strong masculine hero who saves the day and the girl

If I were a TV show host I would be

A talk show host like Johnathon Ross – near the knuckle but able to get people to open up. The stars would all want to appear on my show. The title would be Moose Meets..

If I were a criminal I would be

As a mafia nut the only answer here would be a mafia family boss!

If I were a religion I would be

I would be a religion that promoted tolerance but actually meant it – one open to all regardless of gender, colour and sexuality. All Hail Moose

If I were a mythical beast I would be

I would be a politician that cared!

If I were a Disney character I would be

I would be Aladdin – the street rat with a heart of gold

If I were a drug I would be

I wouldnt know where to begin here never touched drugs so couldnt really say. But to coin a song “love is the drug” so i would be love! Apparently it’s all you need, if it works for The Beatles it works for me.

If I were an animal I would be

Obviously I would be a moose! As my good friend Cindy once said “strong and graceful but vulnerable in the circle of life”

If I were a piece of food I would be

I would be comfort food, something that makes everything all better. Chocolate, hen i would be a chocolate moose 😀

If I were an illness I would be

Something that is curable, an illness that makes you feel vulnerable but once cured stronger than ever before

If I were a mood I would be

delirium but in a happy had too much sugar kinda way

If I were a holiday resort I would be

i would be vegas! lots of neon, bright lights and strippers and what happens there stays there!

If I were a pattern I would be

i wouldnt be a set pattern, I would be a big dollop on the middle of paper that is then folded in half and spread across the paper, bright colours though to reflect my loud personality

If I were a tree I would be

I am already a tree as people say I’m TREEmendous!

Have a go at this would love to see some answers!